Wedding Weekend.

This weekend was interesting to say the least. My boyfriend and I were in our good friends’ wedding and it was stressful as fuck. Don’t get me wrong, we love them so much and are so happy for them, but it was so much work and so exhausting.

After having to get up at 6:45am and working until 1:00pm, my boyfriend and I drove to the rehearsal dinner on Friday, and we were all supposed to start at 6:00pm, but the main people needed were running late to this got delayed to 7:15pm. That unfortunately kind of set the tone for the rest of the events to come.

With starting late, the actual dinner part of the “rehearsal dinner” didn’t happen. Instead we all went back to the hotel to set up for the wedding. The bride and groom ordered us all pizzas and we got to work- setting up tables, blowing up balloons, decorating the reception area, and so on.

My boyfriend and I were so tired, and especially me because on Thursday night I went over to the bride’s house to help her and her MOH with last minute wedding crafting and then I had to retwist my boyfriend’s hair so I didn’t go to bed until about 1am. I’m sure running on 5 hours of sleep and then the schedule running behind really added into my stress levels.

We ended up going to bed around 11, while others stayed back to continue helping. The coordinator had already left so they were just finishing up the balloon arch, but I still felt bad leaving. However, when I spoke to the bride she said that she was up doing stuff until 3:00am! Then I felt even worse, but also we had to be at her hotel (different one than we were staying at/where the reception was) at 8:00am to start getting ready.

Once everyone was there and getting ready things were pretty smooth sailing when it came to timing, but then shit started hitting the fan. I honestly don’t want to go into details, but the poor planning and feeling everyone stress levels for HOURS was so draining. I started having a panic attack on the trolley where the whole bridal party was minus the bride), but was able to stop crying and calm myself down. I was also lucky enough to have my boyfriend with me, which helped tremendously.

After her horse-drawn carriage entrance, and the live butterfly release, we took 8 million photos and were late for the grand march and delayed the whole reception by 45 minutes. Once we were there I was just so happy for all of this stress and timeline shit to be over. I was so triggered because I hate running late and I hate when things don’t go as planned and everyone else was feeling stressed and angry, and I could just feel everyone’s negative energy.

So now that we were finally where the open bar was, I was just so happy to finally get food and drinks. My boyfriend and I loved the greek buffet food, and we really enjoyed drinking and dancing the night away with each other. He really doesn’t like big events or being around people, but we truly had a wonderful time together once all the stress was gone (other than having to help clean up everything at the end of the night).

I truly hope the bride and groom didn’t feel all of this stress, but I know for sure the bride was stressed a few times. I can say they will have great pictures from the wedding, but this whole thing really reinforced my thought that big weddings are really about trying to impress other people and I think people get lost in it.

I’ve never wanted a big wedding, and my boyfriend agrees. We decided years ago that we will have an elopement ceremony once that time comes. When we went to Aruba in 2019, we decided that we want to get married there! We’ve been ring shopping in the last couple months, and last night when we did our video message to the newlyweds he said that our time was coming soon (to be fair I caught the bouquet)!

We are coming up on our ten year anniversary in October, but we’ve been together since we were 16, so we’re still young! I’m okay not being married right now, but I mean we’re basically married already. We have been living together for seven years, we bought a house together, and we take care of our cats together lol! I get so happy when I see my friends getting married and having kids, but I’m also so happy that we still have those things to look forward to. Weddings always make me emotional, and I’m so happy that I have such a great life partner.

Ups and Downs.

Today the sun was finally shining which was much needed. I had lunch plans with one of my friends today so I decided I would get up and go to the gym before I showered and did my makeup. I went to the gym yesterday too, and both days I just did a 30 minute treadmill workout (speed of 3, incline of 12). I’m not gonna lie, my inner thighs are feeling it today.

This past Friday I saw my therapist again, and we came to the conclusion that it may be a good idea to increase my medication and/or add in a new one. She also mentioned that although she sees a lot of obvious anxiety in me, she has a small inkling that I may have hypomania. Immediately after our session I went to make an appointment with my PCP since they’re in the same building, and she happened to have a 9am on Saturday. So yesterday we decided to increase my dose another 20mg.

It’s probably a good thing we increased my dose, because Friday night my boyfriend told me that his work asked him if he would be willing to work as a trainer for three weeks… in the Philippines!! Now, obviously I am very excited for him as this is a great opportunity. Not only that. but them asking him to do this just shows how well he’s doing at work and it’s so great to see him be given these opportunities!

My initial reaction (and current feeling) is happiness and excitement for him- but of course the anxiety in me quickly made itself known. I started to panic. I felt the tears coming to my eyes almost immediately, and I felt like I was starting to hyperventilate. I literally told him that I felt like I might throw up. Luckily I didn’t, but I did get dizzy so I had to sit down, and I cried a lot.

I cried because I know I’m going to miss him like crazy. I cried because I know how bad my anxiety gets when I just spend a couple nights away from him and I’m scared of what three weeks will do. I cried because I was upset with myself for how I was reacting when this is a happy time for him. I cried because I was upset with how codependent I am/feel I am. I cried because he comforted me and calmed me down and was so kind the entire time I was panicking. I finally stopped crying and then made a joke about how it’s a good thing that my meds are gonna be increased and we laughed together.

I obviously have some stuff to work on, especially with this happening in a couple months. I’m gonna have to set a good routine for that time that he’s away, so I don’t go crazy and I can avoid getting depressed/anxious. I thought about maybe visiting while he’s there, but I looked at the flights and I’m not sure I’ll be able to afford it. Oh well, I know he’ll be coming home eventually, and for now I’ll enjoy the time I have with him while he’s here. ♡