Good weekend, good week (hopefully)

(Edit: I fell asleep before I finished this yesterday)

I spent the weekend with good company, and I also still made it to the gym, the grocery store, did laundry and cleaned out my closet! Friday night a couple of my friends stayed over; we drank wine and played that “Speak out” game where you have the mouthpiece that makes your mouth stay open really wide! It was hilarious!

When we woke up Saturday morning we all decided to go to Dunkin’ and when we got back to the house we had made the spontaneous decision to go to the WNDR museum in Chicago! One of my friends decided not to come with us because her boyfriend didn’t want to go, and she wanted to spend time with him (which is totally understandable)! My boyfriend also didn’t want to go, but I have been wanting to go for a while now so I felt like this was my chance!

Needless to say, we had an amazing time! I went with my friend, her boyfriend, her mom and her 1 year old son (who had a total blast btw)! My boyfriend had a PT session this morning, so I decided to go to the gym for an hour. I did my treadmill workout, some arms and hips and then went next door to Aldi. I started laundry when I got home and cleaned out my dresser and closet. Tomorrow my boyfriend will do the same thing with his clothes so next weekend we can donate all of our old stuff!

I want to start de-cluttering areas of the house. I feel like this will make me feel better because I’m being productive while also making the space around me more appealing. I have no issue getting rid of things, because I hate when things just take up space. I feel like starting “spring cleaning” early so I can use springtime to spend my extra time outside when I can.

This upcoming week the doctor I work for isn’t going to be in the office on Friday. I’m hoping to be able to get off early and I want to get something for my boyfriend for Valentine’s day! (And yes I plan to do it on Valentine’s day because whenever I get him anything he always wants it right away and I’m not great at keeping secrets all the time). I love buying him little gifts, and Valentine’s day is the perfect time to do it! Honestly, we don’t normally celebrate it, but I was so depressed over Christmas because I didn’t get anyone anything and I just want to do this.

I’m trying to stay positive and happy during this upcoming week and I’m hoping that all goes well because lately it’s been really stressful. I just feel like I need to stop being so hard on myself, and hopefully I can make some progress on that this week.

Ups and Downs.

Today the sun was finally shining which was much needed. I had lunch plans with one of my friends today so I decided I would get up and go to the gym before I showered and did my makeup. I went to the gym yesterday too, and both days I just did a 30 minute treadmill workout (speed of 3, incline of 12). I’m not gonna lie, my inner thighs are feeling it today.

This past Friday I saw my therapist again, and we came to the conclusion that it may be a good idea to increase my medication and/or add in a new one. She also mentioned that although she sees a lot of obvious anxiety in me, she has a small inkling that I may have hypomania. Immediately after our session I went to make an appointment with my PCP since they’re in the same building, and she happened to have a 9am on Saturday. So yesterday we decided to increase my dose another 20mg.

It’s probably a good thing we increased my dose, because Friday night my boyfriend told me that his work asked him if he would be willing to work as a trainer for three weeks… in the Philippines!! Now, obviously I am very excited for him as this is a great opportunity. Not only that. but them asking him to do this just shows how well he’s doing at work and it’s so great to see him be given these opportunities!

My initial reaction (and current feeling) is happiness and excitement for him- but of course the anxiety in me quickly made itself known. I started to panic. I felt the tears coming to my eyes almost immediately, and I felt like I was starting to hyperventilate. I literally told him that I felt like I might throw up. Luckily I didn’t, but I did get dizzy so I had to sit down, and I cried a lot.

I cried because I know I’m going to miss him like crazy. I cried because I know how bad my anxiety gets when I just spend a couple nights away from him and I’m scared of what three weeks will do. I cried because I was upset with myself for how I was reacting when this is a happy time for him. I cried because I was upset with how codependent I am/feel I am. I cried because he comforted me and calmed me down and was so kind the entire time I was panicking. I finally stopped crying and then made a joke about how it’s a good thing that my meds are gonna be increased and we laughed together.

I obviously have some stuff to work on, especially with this happening in a couple months. I’m gonna have to set a good routine for that time that he’s away, so I don’t go crazy and I can avoid getting depressed/anxious. I thought about maybe visiting while he’s there, but I looked at the flights and I’m not sure I’ll be able to afford it. Oh well, I know he’ll be coming home eventually, and for now I’ll enjoy the time I have with him while he’s here. ♡

Stumble

I can feel myself moving backwards in my progress. The anxiety is back; it has been for a couple weeks and it doesn’t seem to be getting better. I feel so exhausted and defeated. I can see my lack of effort around the house, and it upsets me, I just don’t have the energy to fix it.

I’m overwhelmed at work which has caused me to make a couple mistakes, which isn’t helping with the constant anxiety and self doubt. I mean, I am aware that I’m too hard on myself… I always have been. In 5th grade I remember getting my report card and seeing all A’s and one big, ugly C and being so upset. I went home to my parents in tears and showed them the horror that was my biggest academic failure yet (I mean, it was 5th grade)! But guess what? They weren’t upset at all. They were proud of my A’s and weren’t angry about the C, but I still was.

I’ve always been like this, and I hate it. I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack by the time I’m 30 with the way I stress myself out. I want to learn to live in the present. I need to be at peace.

Gloomy

It’s just a grey day and it’s making me feel so tired. Luckily I was very productive this morning when I initially got up around 8:30am. Once I finished chores and making myself some breakfast I went back to bed and took a 2.5 hour nap.

I still need to go to the store today but my boyfriend is going with me and right now he’s playing video games so I’m just relaxing for now. The only issue is I feel like I could literally take another nap. I hate winter for this very reason.

I have fun plans these next coming weekends so I’m trying to stay focused on that and hopefully that will get me through the weeks. It blows my mind that it still technically isn’t even winter yet, and that also scares me because I feel like I’m already struggling.

Okay, maybe I am going to set an alarm for 30 min and take a quick nap, because my eyelids are so heavy right now. ♡

tired, stressed and blessed.

Yesterday I got a couple of awesome tattoos on my left arm, as I’m working on my sleeve. I should only need two to three more sessions until my arm is done! I absolutely love getting tattoos, and I’m happy that I booked this appointment six weeks ago because I definitely my needed some ink therapy after this shit week.

I’m also happy I had an actual therapy session on Friday after work. Honestly, I did have a nice weekend as I got to visit one of my best friends and her baby girl (aka my goddaughter ♡). We had a fun night out and it was so awesome to see her little one walking and basically talking! I did get my first speeding ticket on the way there, but I honestly laughed it off because this week was absolute shit and it’s just hilarious to me that of course I’d also start the weekend off with a speeding ticket.

Every day this week at work something had to go wrong. Whether it was an angry patient, or an internet outage, it never seemed to end. I felt like I was drowning all week in work and I have just been overly exhausted. To be fair I did just get over a terrible sinus infection, but I feel like the time change really messed with me this year.

Literally on Monday night I was laying in bed with my boyfriend and I felt myself falling asleep. I looked up at him and asked him what time it was and he responded: “7:50pm.” I was like “wait what?? I can’t sleep right now, it’s so early!” Next thing I knew I closed my eyes and woke up again at 10:00pm and then just slept for the rest of the night until my 6:30am alarm on Tuesday. It was only the beginning of the week and I was already exhausted.

In the middle of the week I got starbucks with a friend who I haven’t seen in a while. I always love getting to see her and I’m so proud of the life she is making for herself. I feel like it’s good to surround yourself with responsible, caring people; and she is exactly that. I was of course tired and usually avoid going out during the work week, but she had a couple days off and we don’t really get many opportunities to see each other.

I won’t lie, I feel like I might be slipping a little into my seasonal depression. I feel exhausted and I don’t really want to do anything, even though I’m forcing myself to. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy seeing my friends and spending time with positive people, but sometimes I’d rather just be laying in my hammock or in my bed watching mindless television. I know it’s not good for me or productive, but I feel myself losing my energy and desire to leave the house. I’m trying to not focus on it and just keep making plans to keep myself going. Fake it ’til you make it, right?

I keep spending money that I don’t exactly have, but at the same time money always comes and goes. I deserve to treat myself and am generally responsible with my money. My credit card balance is a little high due to that recent vacation, as well as these new tattoos, but I know I’ll be able to pay a big chunk of it with my next paycheck. As long as I am able to pay my bills, I should be able to treat myself. Some part of me feels oddly guilty, or irresponsible and I can’t really understand it.

My therapist and I talked about guilt in our last session, and she said that no one can make you feel guilty unless you accept the guilt. She also admitted this is something she still has to work on. I often stayed at jobs longer than I should have because I felt guilty for leaving and making other people’s jobs harder. I have family members who love to try to make me feel guilty for hanging out with my friends more than with them. But if I am happy with the choices I’m making, I shouldn’t feel guilty. It seems I struggle most with making myself feel guilty for doing nice things for myself. I’m hoping to work on this and get over it.

Well it’s only 6:47pm, but I’m tired as fuck. I want to try to start editing videos for my future youtube channel that my boyfriend and I will be doing. I am going to start looking at different apps or see if I’d rather do them on my laptop. Not sure if I’ll start editing any tonight because I could literally fall asleep right now, but I’m going to start looking into what apps to use.

This week will be a better week than this past one. I meant it better be, because if it’s any worse I’ll probably have a mental breakdown and buy a plane ticket to somewhere warm with nice beaches. Honestly, I guess that doesn’t sound too bad haha. Well anyways, take a look at my new ink. ♡