tired, stressed and blessed.

Yesterday I got a couple of awesome tattoos on my left arm, as I’m working on my sleeve. I should only need two to three more sessions until my arm is done! I absolutely love getting tattoos, and I’m happy that I booked this appointment six weeks ago because I definitely my needed some ink therapy after this shit week.

I’m also happy I had an actual therapy session on Friday after work. Honestly, I did have a nice weekend as I got to visit one of my best friends and her baby girl (aka my goddaughter ♡). We had a fun night out and it was so awesome to see her little one walking and basically talking! I did get my first speeding ticket on the way there, but I honestly laughed it off because this week was absolute shit and it’s just hilarious to me that of course I’d also start the weekend off with a speeding ticket.

Every day this week at work something had to go wrong. Whether it was an angry patient, or an internet outage, it never seemed to end. I felt like I was drowning all week in work and I have just been overly exhausted. To be fair I did just get over a terrible sinus infection, but I feel like the time change really messed with me this year.

Literally on Monday night I was laying in bed with my boyfriend and I felt myself falling asleep. I looked up at him and asked him what time it was and he responded: “7:50pm.” I was like “wait what?? I can’t sleep right now, it’s so early!” Next thing I knew I closed my eyes and woke up again at 10:00pm and then just slept for the rest of the night until my 6:30am alarm on Tuesday. It was only the beginning of the week and I was already exhausted.

In the middle of the week I got starbucks with a friend who I haven’t seen in a while. I always love getting to see her and I’m so proud of the life she is making for herself. I feel like it’s good to surround yourself with responsible, caring people; and she is exactly that. I was of course tired and usually avoid going out during the work week, but she had a couple days off and we don’t really get many opportunities to see each other.

I won’t lie, I feel like I might be slipping a little into my seasonal depression. I feel exhausted and I don’t really want to do anything, even though I’m forcing myself to. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy seeing my friends and spending time with positive people, but sometimes I’d rather just be laying in my hammock or in my bed watching mindless television. I know it’s not good for me or productive, but I feel myself losing my energy and desire to leave the house. I’m trying to not focus on it and just keep making plans to keep myself going. Fake it ’til you make it, right?

I keep spending money that I don’t exactly have, but at the same time money always comes and goes. I deserve to treat myself and am generally responsible with my money. My credit card balance is a little high due to that recent vacation, as well as these new tattoos, but I know I’ll be able to pay a big chunk of it with my next paycheck. As long as I am able to pay my bills, I should be able to treat myself. Some part of me feels oddly guilty, or irresponsible and I can’t really understand it.

My therapist and I talked about guilt in our last session, and she said that no one can make you feel guilty unless you accept the guilt. She also admitted this is something she still has to work on. I often stayed at jobs longer than I should have because I felt guilty for leaving and making other people’s jobs harder. I have family members who love to try to make me feel guilty for hanging out with my friends more than with them. But if I am happy with the choices I’m making, I shouldn’t feel guilty. It seems I struggle most with making myself feel guilty for doing nice things for myself. I’m hoping to work on this and get over it.

Well it’s only 6:47pm, but I’m tired as fuck. I want to try to start editing videos for my future youtube channel that my boyfriend and I will be doing. I am going to start looking at different apps or see if I’d rather do them on my laptop. Not sure if I’ll start editing any tonight because I could literally fall asleep right now, but I’m going to start looking into what apps to use.

This week will be a better week than this past one. I meant it better be, because if it’s any worse I’ll probably have a mental breakdown and buy a plane ticket to somewhere warm with nice beaches. Honestly, I guess that doesn’t sound too bad haha. Well anyways, take a look at my new ink.

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