Thanksgiving

I don’t like Thanksgiving. I never really have, and I don’t feel bad saying or feeling this way. I feel happy for those who enjoy the holiday, I just don’t happen to be one of those people. The food isn’t my favorite, getting together with my family isn’t exactly my favorite either. I don’t know… I just really don’t like it. I feel blessed and thankful every day of my life, and I don’t think me not liking the holiday makes me a shitty person.

I’m not exactly feeling right. I don’t want to say I feel depressed, but I just don’t feel as energetic and motivated as usual. Yesterday, I organized the cabinets under the bathroom sinks and I felt really accomplished after that. I also did my laundry yesterday and the dishes. I went to the grocery store today and it’s my day to relax, but instead my brain is running a million miles a minute.

One of my good friends is going through a lot right now, and I feel bad that I’m not around to help. At the same time though, I feel like if I were around it wouldn’t be good for me because I get too involved and literally forget about myself and my feelings. I know that I will start to feel what she’s feeling, and I don’t think I can do that right now. I’m trying hard to work on myself. I’m trying to remind her how strong she is on her own and that she doesn’t need shit people in her life. I want to help, but also have to do so at a healthy distance.

I’m also already really annoyed by my family Christmas plans. We had a whole group chat exchange today about the Christmas get-together date that was literally just a bunch of pointless sass just to end up picking the same day we had originally picked. I’m also annoyed that we revolve everything around the people who aren’t even technically family, but whatever.

I’m really looking forward to everyone asking me where my boyfriend is at the Christmas event like they do every year. (BTW that was complete sarcasm in case you couldn’t tell). Literally it’s always the same answer, but they ask like I’m going to have some new reason. Honestly, I don’t even want to be there. I like visiting family members one on one, but when we get together as a big group it makes me anxious and someone always ends up bickering. Overall, it’s just not that great of a time to me.

I am thankful that I have family members around and in my life, but I can only handle them in small doses. And, again, I’d rather hang out with one or two family members at a time than all of them at once. I’m annoyed with myself for feeling so shitty around the holidays. Christmas eve should be fun because my best friend is moving back in town and we’re going to start Christmas Eve traditions together with her son!

I can’t wait (and also totally can) for when my boyfriend and I have our own family in the future and have our own holiday traditions. Right now I just want to buy a bunch of cute stuff for our house and make it all festive. I want a white/grey area rug and an electric fireplace that we can mount on the wall. We also want a new bed though and a new TV. I keep spending a bunch of money though so I’m trying to stop myself from doing that.

I feel like I keep spending money and I really need to stop. My credit card is so high from the cruise and then my new tattoos. But also I just want to get new stuff for the house so when I’m busy hibernating this winter I’ll at least enjoy my surroundings. Not that I don’t already, but there’s so much I want to do to our house. I keep thinking about going to Walmart and looking at desks and area rugs, but I’m also lazy as hell and don’t feel like putting a bra back on. I was almost too lazy to write on this today but I don’t want to let myself down because I’ve been very consistent with posting every Sunday. At least I did that today, despite how weird I’ve been feeling.

Today I got myself my favorite holiday drink from Starbucks, and I turned on the Christmas lights hanging in my living room. Honestly, just those small touches of Christmas really made me feel better. ♡

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