THIS!! This is hard ass work and I understand why most people don’t want to do this, ESPECIALLY when there are already issues of self-doubt and negative self-talk. If you’re already feeling low and critical of yourself, why would you want to sit and learn about how terrible you really are??
In reality that is how it can feel, but the most important thing I have learned over these past few years in my healing journey is to be able to observe myself with compassion and understanding, rather than harsh judgments. I know that may sound impossible, and for me it definitely felt like it was at first, but once I was able to recognize and learn about the brain and how so much can stem from childhood / past traumas, I was able to understand my patterns and where certain behaviors came from.
I have been lucky enough to have been able to find a therapist who I love, but know that unfortunately not everyone has access to a good therapist. I am glad there are apps like “Better Help” to allow people to have a more affordable option for therapy, but there are other options that have personally helped me as well.
Finding @the.holistic.psychologist here on instagram was a game-changer, and then realizing she has a podcast (@selfhealers.soundboard) and books (@howtodothework and @howtomeetyourself and her new one coming out @howtobetheloveyouseek) just opened the door to non-judgment and self-awareness. She has so much knowledge and experience and shares it with everyone for little to zero charge! I also have had amazing realizations when listening to other podcasts such as @themelrobbinspodcast, @jayshettypodcast and @deargabbypodcast! those are only a small amount of the millions of podcasts out and available for all to listen to!
I truly believe that once we can truly learn about ourselves and learn to see ourselves through the lens of non-judgment and compassion, that is when we can allow ourselves to truly heal and be free. I also know that it’s then easier to see others with compassion, as most of our judgment of others stems from something within ourselves (yeah I know… that one hurts).
Sending love and healing to all on their journey- you got this! 🤍✨
I am taking this time to actually practice what I preach, as I feel like I have been out of my element for a bit. I am going to take this blog post as time to acknowledge my growth and progress, as a way to remind myself that I have not regressed, and healing is not linear. What is important is that I continue to come back to myself, and so I am.
I used to never allow myself to rest. I remember I’d wake up on Sunday mornings and immediately hop out of bed and start doing chores. Whether that was washing/putting away dishes, or taking out garbage, or reorganizing the closet… no matter how many tasks I scratched off the list, I always made more for myself. I would not allow myself the luxury of lying down next to the love of my life and just enjoying his warm embrace for a few minutes. I wouldn’t allow myself to have time to think about my intention for the day, or take time to do something for myself, because I always said that I would relax or reward myself after the (never-ending) chores were done.
Now I have a better mindset about relaxing and self care, and I allow myself to do something for myself prior to starting any to-do lists there may be. I understand the importance of setting yourself up for the day and taking time for yourself right in the morning, as I have heard in a podcast before: it’s like putting on your armor for the day. When you don’t start your morning off right, the day can easily get out of control, and it can feel more overwhelming. Although I do not have a set morning routine, I find that on the days that I do wake up early enough to stretch or even do a 5-10 minute meditation, I just feel calmer throughout the day. On my weekends when I can cuddle with my love for a bit, I now look forward to and enjoy those moments. Whether its taking time to read a chapter of a good book, having a cup of coffee or tea in silence, or taking a walk around the neighborhood, taking time to participate in self care is important. I am happy to say that this is the new mindset I live by, and I am glad I recognized that self care isn’t selfish, it is necessary.
I often remember feeling trapped in the endless chaos in my brain. I felt like I was constantly in a battle with what I previously called “rational me” and “irrational me,” and I could never feel at peace or confident in any of my decisions or emotions. I was keeping myself busy with working full time, doing school part time, and constantly over-extending myself in my social life in order to avoid my own issues and try to keep up with my dysregulated nervous system. I also remember feeling very insecure in my relationship; I felt like I was a burden who was always crying and worrying about “what ifs,” I assumed I was awful to be around because it sure felt awful in my head. I felt stupid, confused, full of rage and I didn’t even understand why I felt these things, but now I do.
Now that I have gone through years of trying different anxiety medications, working with a couple different therapists, and dedicating myself to reading and listening to self-help material, I have a much better understanding of my brain and why I am the way that I am. Being able to understand that the environment I grew up in while my brain was developing had a large impact on my reasoning, coping skills, and habits has allowed me to have more compassion towards myself, rather than continuing with the self-loathing and negative self-talk. I am able to make mistakes without scolding myself or calling myself stupid. I am able to recognize that my thoughts are not me, I can choose which ones I want to connect with and I can release the ones that are not serving me. I also am able to recognize when I am in a state of anxiety, and I have breathing exercises and grounding exercises that allow me to bring myself back to the present, and calm my mind and body.
I still have a lot of work to do, and I am comfortable with the fact that healing isn’t linear, but it is forever. Life will continue to bring new blessings, as well as challenges, but the more I know myself and how I respond to certain triggers and events, I can continue to learn how to better handle stressful situations. There is freedom in the awareness, as hard as it can be to see at first. Seeing the toxic habits, acknowledging the choices that hinder growth, once you can see how you’re holding yourself back, you can set yourself free. I know I silence myself out of fear of disappointing and hurting others, and I still have to work on more self-love and self-trust. I need to dedicate myself to healthier habits and pay attention to what makes me feel whole, and continue to show up for myself and my dreams. This blog is part of it all, so I guess I can celebrate that. ♡
This week has been very stressful and chaotic, and I’m excited to end it on a good note and head into the weekend. I know that being on my period doesn’t help with the stress, in fact it 100% makes it worse, but it’s no longer day one or two so I am feeling a lot better.
As I reflect on all of the things that have happened that set me into my bad moods, in reality none of them were really detrimental concerns. Just aggravation/annoyance really, and the hormones exacerbate the reaction. I even caught myself during one of my rage fits and yelled at myself: “Jena, you’re literally making it worse by not stopping to breathe!” And boy was I right!
It’s crazy how pausing and taking a few deep breaths can help. Slowing the heart rate and also your thoughts definitely makes a difference, but I can’t lie and say I didn’t get frustrated again shortly after. Once I was able to address all of the stressful things (aka cat puke, spilled food / water, putting away groceries, etc), I took a shower and did a meditation and it helped to reset my mood before I went to bed.
Last night I definitely needed some rest though, as a tension migraine hit me around 8-8:30pm and I just decided to lay on my heating pad and I fell asleep. I feel a lot better this morning after good rest, and I am excited for my massage after work because it is much needed (I decided to book that yesterday after being very stressed at work).
I am trying to take my own advise of filling my own cup first, because I know that is what will help me. I’ve been slacking on my own self care and listening to my needs, and I am done with this now. I need to take care of myself, as it will help me to handle the days better. Now here’s to a great Friday and weekend!
I am still kinda shook after reading my old journals and having all these memories flood back. I’m also very proud of myself for writing back then, because I expressed several times that I had to get my emotions out somehow and if I didn’t I would die. The amount of suicide notes I found was alarming, and I clearly blurred a lot of that out.
I was such angry, confused child. I was so overwhelmed by the thoughts I had and the anger that I had no clue how to deal with. I couldn’t talk to my parents about my anger, because they were too busy dealing with their own emotions. When I’d express my feelings or opinions after letting them bottle up, I was met with “stop being so dramatic” and just more rules and control.
I love my parents and know they did the best with what they knew and had, and I know they love me and just wanted to protect me. I have a new appreciation for them as I am in my late twenties, and I do truly believe everything happens for a reason. I am proud of the woman I am today, and I am proud to be breaking cycles, even though it’s quite difficult.
I still have a habit of keeping things inside, as it was a normal thing in my life. It’s hard to speak up for myself as I assume it will end in shame and more conflict, but I know deserve to express my feelings. My inner child deserved to be defended and listened to and cared for, and I am determined to do that for her. If I feel disrespected or bothered, I am allowed to express how I feel, and my intention is never to shame others or make them feel uncomfortable, but I also don’t need to feel shame or discomfort.
Life is all about balance and growth and as I evolve I will continue to write and check in with myself so I can continue to make progress and focus on my goals. I am an empathetic person and I enjoy connecting with people, and I know the more that I am able to understand myself and my own emotions, the more I will be able to connect with others.
A sign that you were still watching and guiding me. I asked for something that would absolutely make me know it’s you, but couldn’t give too many specific examples.
I went to write in my blog today and noticed two drafts: one with a prompt as the title and the other was untitled. In that untitled draft was a post I started a month ago when I was feeling emotional; It was a post I had written about going to your wake, and remembering seeing a letter I wrote to you for our 8th grade graduation. I couldn’t finish the post, and I still haven’t.
Seeing this draft today made me want to dig into my old memory bin, where I kept old concert tickets, notes from school, projects and whatever else I felt was worth keeping for a lifetime. I was searching to see if I had the letter you wrote me on that day. I opened the dusty bin to see my rocket power backpack on top of a bunch of children’s books, binders and journals.
I grabbed the journal that my aunt gave me when I was young. I opened the journal and out fell some photo booth photos, and there was four photos of us in a vertical line. We were so happy and silly; I remember we spent so much time at the mall because we saved our money from babysitting (and you saved from your your dog-walking), and we had that money to spend! I also will never forget when we got personalized airbrush T-Shirts made. I still have mine.
After sifting through some cringy journal entries and digging through photo albums, I found some Lisa Frank stickers (SCORE!) that I immediately needed to put on my phone case. I had a nice design on the phone case I was using so I decided to go into my bedroom to grab another phone case. I opened the drawer to my nightstand and before I even could reach for another case, I saw your photo. It was the memorial card from your funeral; and that’s when it hit me… you were giving me the signs.
The photo booth photos falling out, having to look for a phone case that I never would have needed if I hadn’t dug through my memory bin looking for the letter your wrote me- which I unfortunately I didn’t find, but maybe I will one day. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t logged in to write in my blog and looked in my drafts, but it all happened.
Some will say coincidence, neuroscientists will say it’s the reticular activating system (which tbh, they are right), but I also truly believe this is my sign from you. I appreciate knowing you’re still here, even if not physically, and I am grateful for these signs. Sending love up your way, and thank you for sending yours.
Sending love to all who need it, and I hope you get your signs. ♡
I read a post this morning on Instagram by an author named Vex King, and I wanted to take a moment to reflect on it:
This post immediately made me think about codependency and what that looked like for me early on. I started dating my current boyfriend at age sixteen, and he was the first person that I ever dated seriously. At the time I was obviously still living with my parents, and since I was a moody teenager and my parents were functioning alcoholics, the environment was less than ideal. There would be nights of loud fights where cops were called and my boyfriend would drive over to pick me up, and he’d just drive around to different towns as I cried and vented about my life. He’d comfort me and listen to me, and I knew I had someone good in my life.
When I look back at that now, I can see how that attachment / codependency was forming, and it continued once we moved in together at 20 years old. I did rely on him to make me feel better, because I got used to him being there. I also know that younger me would not have handled any sort of break up well, as I definitely felt that I needed him in order to survive. I found myself mirroring his moods, and it felt detrimental whenever we had an argument or disagreement, because I was constantly worried about him being upset with me, because I thought that would lead to him leaving me.
I was very insecure and has low self-esteem for most of my life, even if I didn’t always present it that way. I always thought my boyfriend would find a girl who was “less anxious and crazy,” or “more fun to be around,” because I always felt like a burden. Don’t get me wrong, he would constantly reassure me and tell me: “you’re not as bad as you think you are.” That was something I couldn’t understand at the time, but I am forever grateful that he saw the real me inside, behind all of the built up emotions and anxiety.
With therapy and leaning into the self-healing work, I have been able to learn about myself and my brain in ways that has helped me make leaps and bounds when it comes to my self-worth. I no longer feel confused or frustrated with my thoughts, I feel like I finally understand them and why I am the way I am. I can see my strengths when it comes to perseverance and reliability, and I know that I can take care of myself, just as I did before even starting a relationship at sixteen.
Growing up with alcoholic parents does something to your brain. When the brain is developing, it is constantly learning how to adapt to the environment around you, and you learn habits that help you to survive in life. Unconsciously we develop our own habits and coping skills and when we aren’t aware/conscious of them, we take them with us into adulthood.
As a child, I was used to being quiet and trying to keep the peace, and just tried to stay under the radar- that was until puberty and hormones took over. Once I was a raging teenager, the big emotions and anger became a lot for me. What was confusing is that I’d see my parents have these explosive fights with one another, but then when I was angry or upset I was told I was “being dramatic,” or that I shouldn’t feel that way. I was shamed for having big emotions, yet my parents had them all the time!
When I was able to finally leave that environment, I thought all of my problems would disappear. I knew I’d be living with my best friend/life partner and I knew there wouldn’t be excessive drinking or insane fights. Although both of these things were true, my anxiety and mental health issues still came along for the ride. After months of struggling with my emotions and having pointless fits of rage, with the support of my boyfriend I finally decided to get help.
Although it wasn’t the easiest journey, I am forever grateful that I took matters into my own hands and did something for myself. This was the start of my healing, and I only recently have been able to see how far I’ve come. It’s important to take time to recognize and celebrate growth, and in taking time to reflect on this post, that is exactly what I’m doing.
I love life with my boyfriend, and now we live a very interdependent life. We can rely on each other for support and we enjoy helping one another. We no longer live a life where I am just leaning on him and expecting him to solve all of my problems. I know that I am responsible for my own problems and emotions, and he is not required to fix anything. And even though the plan is forever, I at least know that if something ever were to change, I’d survive on my own.
I find it is important in a partnership to truly listen to each others wants/needs, and be respectful, yet honest about what you can do for them. So many people struggle with mental health, and often times will rely on a partner to fix their problems, when they may also have unresolved issues of their own. There is no shame in seeking professional help, especially if it is to benefit your life and your relationship.
I am glad that I had the courage and support to start my healing journey, and I am proud of how I show up in my relationships today. Whether it’s with my boyfriend or with my friends, or even the relationship I have with myself, I remind myself that we are connected, but not attached. Even as great as I feel now, I am not attached to this version of myself, because I know I am an ever-evolving creature who will continue to learn and grow.
I always admire how the moon is so beautiful in every single phase, and I do my best to love myself the same way. sometimes I like to isolate myself from the world and hide in the dark, and sometimes I like to shine my light and be loud, but most the time I’m in the middle just finding balance between the two.
I also get excited about angel numbers, mainly because it’s a reminder that I am being present. for a long time I was always overthinking about the future and was worried about being nine steps ahead as an attempt to be “prepared” and to “relieve my anxiety,” but in reality, I was feeding it. you cannot plan the future, no matter how hard you try. things happen unexpectedly, and it’s important that we are not attached to these future plans we have, as that only leads to disappointment and frustration.
putting trust in the timing of the universe and recognizing that you can navigate through any obstacle brings such a sense of empowerment and peace. there’s so much beauty in the here and now, and I never want to take that for granted 🤍✨
I didn’t want to start the day on the wrong foot, and that was where I was headed since my cat decided to annoy me starting at 5:45am and ruined my last half hour of sleep. I decided to do a small ten min meditation to calm myself, which I only ended up doing a little over seven minutes but those few minutes honestly made me feel so relaxed.
I am ready for a good week ahead to get me into the three-day weekend! I want to focus on myself and how I am feeling, and just continuing to be vocal about what it is I need. I don’t want to fall back into habits of being a people-pleaser or abandoning myself, which is why it’s important that I am in tune with what I am feeling and I express those feelings when needed.
I am thankful to be awake and have my health on this beautiful, sunny morning. I got to wake up next to the love of my life, I have a reliable vehicle to get me to work which allows me to live my life and also pay my bills. I have clothes on my back and food in the fridge, and (as usual) I am going to treat myself to an iced coffee this morning! I am ready for the day and I am ready to be unapologetically me. Happy Monday!
I am proud that I can recognize my self-defeating patterns quicker and that my default now is to immediately start seeing what to be grateful for in any moment.
I am proud that I can face the darker parts of me and give them compassion and understanding instead of shoving them away with anger and resentment.
I am proud that I see that I am living the life I have always wanted, and although there is so much more good to look forward to, I am very happy and aware of the precious present moments.
I am proud of the fact that I have a wonderful group of friends who love and support me, and I’m so grateful we can all celebrate our growth and accomplishments together.
I am proud of my patience and my resilience in my own healing / self-love journey; I stay giving myself grace and love every day.
I feel so very blessed today and every day, and I never want to take it for granted.
finding light in the dark 