mental health blog

Thought Vomit (Random)

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Human beings are complex and are not meant to be labeled and put in boxes. People seem to love putting other people in this boxes and then getting mad when they don’t fit in them. Having conversation and asking questions about another person’s life or experience would help to deepen connection and release the need for labels and boxes. Not everything is black and white, mostly everything lies within the shades of grey.

I struggle with keeping myself in my own box. How can I be someone who is uncomfortable with attention, yet wants to start a podcast and connect with people all over the world? How can I be someone who prefers to spread love and kindness, yet has such judgmental thoughts at times? The same way that someone who is generally kind to others can be in a bad mood sometimes. The same way that those healthy fitness influencers enjoy a sweet treat every so often. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with being contradicting, in fact it is quite normal. For me personally, I think that what matters is that you are always true to the values you hold. But do most people even know what their values are?

I value privacy, especially with anything I find to be intimate. I don’t think there are certain things that are meant to be shared with just anyone and everyone; with that being said, I also truly believe that everyone knows what is best for themselves and what makes them happy, so I don’t think it is “bad” or “wrong” for others to share things with the world that I normally wouldn’t. I struggle with when it is okay to share these opinions, mainly when I am faced with someone sharing how happy it makes them. I am allowed to share how I feel, but it is appropriate if it could offend them? In reality, if the intention is just to be authentic and share how I feel, as a true friend would want me to be, then it isn’t inappropriate to do. I’d never want someone to feel shamed for what they do, so I guess I just fear that stating my own opinion could make them feel upset.

But also, if I am not sharing my true response and I am keeping it inside, is that not just hurting myself and telling myself that my opinion doesn’t matter? Honestly, is it even not hurting them because I am hiding a part of me (my opinion) to make me appear agreeable and likeable? If I share my opinion, I have to remember the intention behind it. If it is to express my own feelings and/or stand up for myself or my belief, then that is worth it. My goal is to be more authentic in all of my relationships, and in any and all content I create in my future. It starts with speaking up for myself and learning how to handle these conversations with different types of people. I can only learn by starting, and truly starting to connect to myself and my intuition.

If I could easily stand up for my friends or family in any situation, why is it to hard to do for myself? Does part of me still feel like I don’t deserve that? Is it because I felt like I never had that? I felt alone in my home at a young age. My emotions were too much, but that is what was modeled to me. I had no one to back me up, and I didn’t feel like anyone was on my side. I had no power or control; I understand that in general, kids don’t need power or control in their household, but when the role models didn’t seem to be in control after 5pm, someone needed to be.

That young girl needed someone to stand up for her, but she was too scared and to shameful to tell anyone who could help. That young girl still lives within me, and she needs to know that today we can stand up for ourselves. Today, we can speak our mind and do so freely without anyone telling us that we can’t. The truth is the truth, and the intention is to heal, but also to help others to see that life can get better and you get to choose your own path in life. It starts with choosing my own path, and choosing myself every step of the way.

Finally Friday

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This week has been very stressful and chaotic, and I’m excited to end it on a good note and head into the weekend. I know that being on my period doesn’t help with the stress, in fact it 100% makes it worse, but it’s no longer day one or two so I am feeling a lot better.

As I reflect on all of the things that have happened that set me into my bad moods, in reality none of them were really detrimental concerns. Just aggravation/annoyance really, and the hormones exacerbate the reaction. I even caught myself during one of my rage fits and yelled at myself: “Jena, you’re literally making it worse by not stopping to breathe!” And boy was I right!

It’s crazy how pausing and taking a few deep breaths can help. Slowing the heart rate and also your thoughts definitely makes a difference, but I can’t lie and say I didn’t get frustrated again shortly after. Once I was able to address all of the stressful things (aka cat puke, spilled food / water, putting away groceries, etc), I took a shower and did a meditation and it helped to reset my mood before I went to bed.

Last night I definitely needed some rest though, as a tension migraine hit me around 8-8:30pm and I just decided to lay on my heating pad and I fell asleep. I feel a lot better this morning after good rest, and I am excited for my massage after work because it is much needed (I decided to book that yesterday after being very stressed at work).

I am trying to take my own advise of filling my own cup first, because I know that is what will help me. I’ve been slacking on my own self care and listening to my needs, and I am done with this now. I need to take care of myself, as it will help me to handle the days better. Now here’s to a great Friday and weekend!

Still Shooketh

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I am still kinda shook after reading my old journals and having all these memories flood back. I’m also very proud of myself for writing back then, because I expressed several times that I had to get my emotions out somehow and if I didn’t I would die. The amount of suicide notes I found was alarming, and I clearly blurred a lot of that out.

I was such angry, confused child. I was so overwhelmed by the thoughts I had and the anger that I had no clue how to deal with. I couldn’t talk to my parents about my anger, because they were too busy dealing with their own emotions. When I’d express my feelings or opinions after letting them bottle up, I was met with “stop being so dramatic” and just more rules and control.

I love my parents and know they did the best with what they knew and had, and I know they love me and just wanted to protect me. I have a new appreciation for them as I am in my late twenties, and I do truly believe everything happens for a reason. I am proud of the woman I am today, and I am proud to be breaking cycles, even though it’s quite difficult.

I still have a habit of keeping things inside, as it was a normal thing in my life. It’s hard to speak up for myself as I assume it will end in shame and more conflict, but I know deserve to express my feelings. My inner child deserved to be defended and listened to and cared for, and I am determined to do that for her. If I feel disrespected or bothered, I am allowed to express how I feel, and my intention is never to shame others or make them feel uncomfortable, but I also don’t need to feel shame or discomfort.

Life is all about balance and growth and as I evolve I will continue to write and check in with myself so I can continue to make progress and focus on my goals. I am an empathetic person and I enjoy connecting with people, and I know the more that I am able to understand myself and my own emotions, the more I will be able to connect with others.

The other day, I asked for a sign

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A sign that you were still watching and guiding me. I asked for something that would absolutely make me know it’s you, but couldn’t give too many specific examples.

I went to write in my blog today and noticed two drafts: one with a prompt as the title and the other was untitled. In that untitled draft was a post I started a month ago when I was feeling emotional; It was a post I had written about going to your wake, and remembering seeing a letter I wrote to you for our 8th grade graduation. I couldn’t finish the post, and I still haven’t.

Seeing this draft today made me want to dig into my old memory bin, where I kept old concert tickets, notes from school, projects and whatever else I felt was worth keeping for a lifetime. I was searching to see if I had the letter you wrote me on that day. I opened the dusty bin to see my rocket power backpack on top of a bunch of children’s books, binders and journals.

I grabbed the journal that my aunt gave me when I was young. I opened the journal and out fell some photo booth photos, and there was four photos of us in a vertical line. We were so happy and silly; I remember we spent so much time at the mall because we saved our money from babysitting (and you saved from your your dog-walking), and we had that money to spend! I also will never forget when we got personalized airbrush T-Shirts made. I still have mine.

After sifting through some cringy journal entries and digging through photo albums, I found some Lisa Frank stickers (SCORE!) that I immediately needed to put on my phone case. I had a nice design on the phone case I was using so I decided to go into my bedroom to grab another phone case. I opened the drawer to my nightstand and before I even could reach for another case, I saw your photo. It was the memorial card from your funeral; and that’s when it hit me… you were giving me the signs.

The photo booth photos falling out, having to look for a phone case that I never would have needed if I hadn’t dug through my memory bin looking for the letter your wrote me- which I unfortunately I didn’t find, but maybe I will one day. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t logged in to write in my blog and looked in my drafts, but it all happened.

Some will say coincidence, neuroscientists will say it’s the reticular activating system (which tbh, they are right), but I also truly believe this is my sign from you. I appreciate knowing you’re still here, even if not physically, and I am grateful for these signs. Sending love up your way, and thank you for sending yours.

Sending love to all who need it, and I hope you get your signs. ♡

Interdependent > Codependent

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I read a post this morning on Instagram by an author named Vex King, and I wanted to take a moment to reflect on it:

This post immediately made me think about codependency and what that looked like for me early on. I started dating my current boyfriend at age sixteen, and he was the first person that I ever dated seriously. At the time I was obviously still living with my parents, and since I was a moody teenager and my parents were functioning alcoholics, the environment was less than ideal. There would be nights of loud fights where cops were called and my boyfriend would drive over to pick me up, and he’d just drive around to different towns as I cried and vented about my life. He’d comfort me and listen to me, and I knew I had someone good in my life.

When I look back at that now, I can see how that attachment / codependency was forming, and it continued once we moved in together at 20 years old. I did rely on him to make me feel better, because I got used to him being there. I also know that younger me would not have handled any sort of break up well, as I definitely felt that I needed him in order to survive. I found myself mirroring his moods, and it felt detrimental whenever we had an argument or disagreement, because I was constantly worried about him being upset with me, because I thought that would lead to him leaving me.

I was very insecure and has low self-esteem for most of my life, even if I didn’t always present it that way. I always thought my boyfriend would find a girl who was “less anxious and crazy,” or “more fun to be around,” because I always felt like a burden. Don’t get me wrong, he would constantly reassure me and tell me: “you’re not as bad as you think you are.” That was something I couldn’t understand at the time, but I am forever grateful that he saw the real me inside, behind all of the built up emotions and anxiety.

With therapy and leaning into the self-healing work, I have been able to learn about myself and my brain in ways that has helped me make leaps and bounds when it comes to my self-worth. I no longer feel confused or frustrated with my thoughts, I feel like I finally understand them and why I am the way I am. I can see my strengths when it comes to perseverance and reliability, and I know that I can take care of myself, just as I did before even starting a relationship at sixteen.

Growing up with alcoholic parents does something to your brain. When the brain is developing, it is constantly learning how to adapt to the environment around you, and you learn habits that help you to survive in life. Unconsciously we develop our own habits and coping skills and when we aren’t aware/conscious of them, we take them with us into adulthood.

As a child, I was used to being quiet and trying to keep the peace, and just tried to stay under the radar- that was until puberty and hormones took over. Once I was a raging teenager, the big emotions and anger became a lot for me. What was confusing is that I’d see my parents have these explosive fights with one another, but then when I was angry or upset I was told I was “being dramatic,” or that I shouldn’t feel that way. I was shamed for having big emotions, yet my parents had them all the time!

When I was able to finally leave that environment, I thought all of my problems would disappear. I knew I’d be living with my best friend/life partner and I knew there wouldn’t be excessive drinking or insane fights. Although both of these things were true, my anxiety and mental health issues still came along for the ride. After months of struggling with my emotions and having pointless fits of rage, with the support of my boyfriend I finally decided to get help.

Although it wasn’t the easiest journey, I am forever grateful that I took matters into my own hands and did something for myself. This was the start of my healing, and I only recently have been able to see how far I’ve come. It’s important to take time to recognize and celebrate growth, and in taking time to reflect on this post, that is exactly what I’m doing.

I love life with my boyfriend, and now we live a very interdependent life. We can rely on each other for support and we enjoy helping one another. We no longer live a life where I am just leaning on him and expecting him to solve all of my problems. I know that I am responsible for my own problems and emotions, and he is not required to fix anything. And even though the plan is forever, I at least know that if something ever were to change, I’d survive on my own.

I find it is important in a partnership to truly listen to each others wants/needs, and be respectful, yet honest about what you can do for them. So many people struggle with mental health, and often times will rely on a partner to fix their problems, when they may also have unresolved issues of their own. There is no shame in seeking professional help, especially if it is to benefit your life and your relationship.

I am glad that I had the courage and support to start my healing journey, and I am proud of how I show up in my relationships today. Whether it’s with my boyfriend or with my friends, or even the relationship I have with myself, I remind myself that we are connected, but not attached. Even as great as I feel now, I am not attached to this version of myself, because I know I am an ever-evolving creature who will continue to learn and grow.

Hello June ♡

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May June bring nothing but good news and abundance to all who are ready to receive.

May June open your eyes and your heart to the beauty in the simple moments.

May June shower you with love and blessings, and may you be present in those moments.

May June give you the opportunities that you’ve been dreaming about, and may you be confident enough to take the leaps you need to.

May June grant your wishes and restore your faith in the magic of the world around you.

May June be everything you’ve been needing this entire year, and may it set the tone for the rest of the year.

May June July. 😂 LOL okay, I’m sorry but I literally had to!

On a serious note though, I truly hope June is nothing but good to you. ♡

From My Instagram:

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took this pic the other day🌙

I always admire how the moon is so beautiful in every single phase, and I do my best to love myself the same way. sometimes I like to isolate myself from the world and hide in the dark, and sometimes I like to shine my light and be loud, but most the time I’m in the middle just finding balance between the two.

I also get excited about angel numbers, mainly because it’s a reminder that I am being present. for a long time I was always overthinking about the future and was worried about being nine steps ahead as an attempt to be “prepared” and to “relieve my anxiety,” but in reality, I was feeding it. you cannot plan the future, no matter how hard you try. things happen unexpectedly, and it’s important that we are not attached to these future plans we have, as that only leads to disappointment and frustration.

putting trust in the timing of the universe and recognizing that you can navigate through any obstacle brings such a sense of empowerment and peace. there’s so much beauty in the here and now, and I never want to take that for granted 🤍✨

Grateful Monday

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I didn’t want to start the day on the wrong foot, and that was where I was headed since my cat decided to annoy me starting at 5:45am and ruined my last half hour of sleep. I decided to do a small ten min meditation to calm myself, which I only ended up doing a little over seven minutes but those few minutes honestly made me feel so relaxed.

I am ready for a good week ahead to get me into the three-day weekend! I want to focus on myself and how I am feeling, and just continuing to be vocal about what it is I need. I don’t want to fall back into habits of being a people-pleaser or abandoning myself, which is why it’s important that I am in tune with what I am feeling and I express those feelings when needed.

I am thankful to be awake and have my health on this beautiful, sunny morning. I got to wake up next to the love of my life, I have a reliable vehicle to get me to work which allows me to live my life and also pay my bills. I have clothes on my back and food in the fridge, and (as usual) I am going to treat myself to an iced coffee this morning! I am ready for the day and I am ready to be unapologetically me. Happy Monday!

Appreciating Myself.

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I am proud of myself.

I am proud that I can recognize my self-defeating patterns quicker and that my default now is to immediately start seeing what to be grateful for in any moment.

I am proud that I can face the darker parts of me and give them compassion and understanding instead of shoving them away with anger and resentment.

I am proud that I see that I am living the life I have always wanted, and although there is so much more good to look forward to, I am very happy and aware of the precious present moments.

I am proud of the fact that I have a wonderful group of friends who love and support me, and I’m so grateful we can all celebrate our growth and accomplishments together.

I am proud of my patience and my resilience in my own healing / self-love journey; I stay giving myself grace and love every day.

I feel so very blessed today and every day, and I never want to take it for granted.

5:59am

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It’s about to be 6am, and I’m about 95% sure I will fall back asleep after I write this. I’m enjoying this moment as I lay here listening to rain ASMR on youtube while my boyfriend sleeps peacefully next to me. I just put the heating pad under my neck and shoulder as I woke up having my pain again, likely due to stress and lack of movement.

I’ve been so tired the last couple of weeks. I find myself taking naps, such as the three hour one I took yesterday. I also have just been taking it easy as I have had some random nausea and dizziness happening as well. This seems to happen every so often, and to be honest I’m pretty sure all of this happened to me the same time last year as well.

I am going to see an ENT at the end of this week as I want an overall consult. My main issue to discuss would be tonsil stones as I absolutely hate them and honestly would prefer to just have my tonsils removed. I am going to bring up the recent dizziness as well as the fact that I have had motion sickness my entire life. I want to bring up the vertigo I’ve been getting lately as I am wondering if it has to do with my inner ears.

Lately I get so discouraged about going to doctors because they just want to treat symptoms and they don’t ever want to figure out the root issue. It blows my mind that I can be someone who gets these random symptoms where basically my body acts like it’s pregnant, yet no one can tell me why or what I can do to prevent it; instead they shove nausea pills at me and tell me to rest. That’s why I haven’t even gone for these current dizzy/nausea spells… I already know how it goes.

For now I have just been resting on my own and staying hydrated. I do my best to listen to my body, and right now my body wants me to close my eyes again, so back to sleep I go.