mental health blog

Grateful Monday

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I didn’t want to start the day on the wrong foot, and that was where I was headed since my cat decided to annoy me starting at 5:45am and ruined my last half hour of sleep. I decided to do a small ten min meditation to calm myself, which I only ended up doing a little over seven minutes but those few minutes honestly made me feel so relaxed.

I am ready for a good week ahead to get me into the three-day weekend! I want to focus on myself and how I am feeling, and just continuing to be vocal about what it is I need. I don’t want to fall back into habits of being a people-pleaser or abandoning myself, which is why it’s important that I am in tune with what I am feeling and I express those feelings when needed.

I am thankful to be awake and have my health on this beautiful, sunny morning. I got to wake up next to the love of my life, I have a reliable vehicle to get me to work which allows me to live my life and also pay my bills. I have clothes on my back and food in the fridge, and (as usual) I am going to treat myself to an iced coffee this morning! I am ready for the day and I am ready to be unapologetically me. Happy Monday!

Appreciating Myself.

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I am proud of myself.

I am proud that I can recognize my self-defeating patterns quicker and that my default now is to immediately start seeing what to be grateful for in any moment.

I am proud that I can face the darker parts of me and give them compassion and understanding instead of shoving them away with anger and resentment.

I am proud that I see that I am living the life I have always wanted, and although there is so much more good to look forward to, I am very happy and aware of the precious present moments.

I am proud of the fact that I have a wonderful group of friends who love and support me, and I’m so grateful we can all celebrate our growth and accomplishments together.

I am proud of my patience and my resilience in my own healing / self-love journey; I stay giving myself grace and love every day.

I feel so very blessed today and every day, and I never want to take it for granted.

5:59am

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It’s about to be 6am, and I’m about 95% sure I will fall back asleep after I write this. I’m enjoying this moment as I lay here listening to rain ASMR on youtube while my boyfriend sleeps peacefully next to me. I just put the heating pad under my neck and shoulder as I woke up having my pain again, likely due to stress and lack of movement.

I’ve been so tired the last couple of weeks. I find myself taking naps, such as the three hour one I took yesterday. I also have just been taking it easy as I have had some random nausea and dizziness happening as well. This seems to happen every so often, and to be honest I’m pretty sure all of this happened to me the same time last year as well.

I am going to see an ENT at the end of this week as I want an overall consult. My main issue to discuss would be tonsil stones as I absolutely hate them and honestly would prefer to just have my tonsils removed. I am going to bring up the recent dizziness as well as the fact that I have had motion sickness my entire life. I want to bring up the vertigo I’ve been getting lately as I am wondering if it has to do with my inner ears.

Lately I get so discouraged about going to doctors because they just want to treat symptoms and they don’t ever want to figure out the root issue. It blows my mind that I can be someone who gets these random symptoms where basically my body acts like it’s pregnant, yet no one can tell me why or what I can do to prevent it; instead they shove nausea pills at me and tell me to rest. That’s why I haven’t even gone for these current dizzy/nausea spells… I already know how it goes.

For now I have just been resting on my own and staying hydrated. I do my best to listen to my body, and right now my body wants me to close my eyes again, so back to sleep I go.

It’s the way…

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It’s the way I’ve changed the inner narrative. I’m not stupid, nor have I ever been. I am growing and learning, just as every human is. Instead of being hard on myself, I learn to give myself patience and understanding.

It’s the way I practice gratitude. I’ve never been ungrateful, but I often was not present, therefore I was not as appreciative. Taking time to acknowledge what is good in my life is grounding and brings me back to the present moment.

It’s the way I am becoming more patient. All happens as it should and it it’s own timing, therefore stressing about outcomes and time is pointless. I do my best to let it go and focus on good that’s here now.

It’s the way I am better at communicating. I am learning how to speak up when I am uncomfortable or upset, and also still listen to whoever it is I am speaking with. I deserve inner peace, and I no longer have room for resentment.

It’s the way I take time to prioritize myself. I give myself time to recharge and spend time relaxing, rather than packing my schedule. I understand how rest is a necessity and depriving myself from it is not healthy, nor is it something to celebrate.

It’s the way that I have stepped out of my comfort zone. Joining a writing community, being on my first podcast, speaking on a virtual mental health panel… I am really taking steps towards my dreams, and I love that for me.

It’s the way I am choosing to celebrate myself and acknowledge my growth. I am proud of the work I have put in and continue to put in, and I am excited to see the progress I’ve made.

It’s the way that I still get lost scrolling through Instagram and have days where I feel overwhelmed. I still get defensive and struggle to communicate at times. It’s the way that I still have things I need to work on, but I am giving myself permission to take it one day at a time, and I am loving myself along the way. ♡

Dream Life

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Just thinking about how I dreamt of the days that my boyfriend and I would wake up next to each other each day and do life together. I always imagined us laughing a lot and always feeling in love every day, the way we felt then in the beginning. I dreamt of having cats and having a garage and being able to pay our bills and still go out when we wanted to… I dreamt of the very life that I have today, and I never want to take that for granted.

What we focus on becomes our life. If I am constantly complaining about something or always annoyed by someone, I am wasting time and energy on the very things that I am bothered by. If I feel uncomfortable or disrespected in any manner, then it is up to me to speak up about my feelings to the people who can make a difference; harboring anger and building resentment will only prevent my growth. Setting boundaries is important and I refuse to make myself small in order to keep others comfortable- I don’t deserve that. I’d rather focus on all of the good in my life and what I am grateful for, as that will help me to succeed.

I am done treating myself like I don’t matter, like my opinions aren’t just as important as anyone else’s. I am done worrying about if someone is going to think I am “rude” for speaking up for myself. I know my intentions, and I know that I care about other people. I also know how that can be a weakness in some regard, so I am making sure I am aware and I set appropriate boundaries. Instead of focusing on the outcome or how someone will respond, I will focus on what the goal is and my intentions behind it.

I enjoy the life I have, and am grateful for the wonderful people I have supporting me and loving me along the way- now I am choosing to also become one of those supportive people for myself. I am cheering myself on every step of the way, and I am so proud of the work I’ve done and how much I’ve learned on this healing journey. I have plenty more work to do, but I am excited to continue to learn and grow in this life.

Proud of Me

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I wanted to take a second to pat myself on the back. I spoke up about something that was bothering me at work and felt a huge relief once it was done. I don’t want to go too much into detail as there’s definitely elements that I am still irritated with, however I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I feel like this was a big step forward in my healing and me recognizing when enough is enough and listening to my body/intuition.

After been super stressed over the past week, I was happy I had some time this weekend to spend with friends, but also with myself. This morning I was up pretty early and I decided to get caught up on the free “Take Control” training that Mel Robbins released a couple weeks ago. I finished the training and felt energized and better than I had felt all week. I even decided to use my extra time alone to do a little dumbbell arm workout and a meditation! It’s nice to remind myself how good it feels to take care of me.

As we stroll into May, I want to prioritize seeking joy in every day life, and also being true to myself. I am finally feeling like I can be more vocal, especially since I know what my intentions are. I do myself a disservice by not speaking up when I feel disrespected or uncomfortable, and I don’t deserve that anymore. Reflecting on the amount of relief I felt when I finally talked to my boss last week, it made me realize it never had to go on this long. Instead of beating myself up for that, I am just going to remember that going forward. I don’t deserve to suffer in order to keep others comfortable, my job is to keep myself safe.

Toxic Traits: See them, love them, then let them go.

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Today I purposely made no plans and I am very grateful for that. I have been spending a lot of my weekends with friends and I enjoy seeing them and having those connections, but I also am the type to feel very drained afterwards. I have talked about this plenty of times on here, but I am just proud of myself for finding ways to still be able to have these great friendships and maintain my own mental health. I used to feel so anxious and resentful and burnt out because of my own lack of boundaries, and now that I am taking accountability and actual steps to keeping this balance in my life, it feels so much easier.

I understand why people don’t want to self-reflect or do the deeper work, it is very hard to come to terms with the toxic parts of yourself. But if we’re being completely honest, that is the only way to truly learn to love every part of yourself. Now I am not saying it’s good to be toxic or that we should just accept the fact that we are that way and continue to be that way, although technically you are able to do as you please. What I am saying is, you can dig into where those toxic traits come from and get a better understanding of why you behave in certain ways. As you learn about yourself and gain clarity, you can then practice healthier behaviors and create more productive habits, rather than just shaming yourself for having toxic traits and then continuing to live in that toxic cycle.

I know that I used to live in a continuous shame cycle, and it honestly made me feel like I was going crazy. I would “argue with myself” in my head all day, and I would constantly be angry with the way that my brain worked. I was upset that all I had in my head was chaos, yet to everyone outside of my home, I made it seem like everything was together. My worth was wrapped up in my achievements, so I got my apartment with my boyfriend, got that associate’s degree, kept a clean home, and I just made sure it all looked great from the outside. I would let friends vent to me, and I would never tell them what I was going through. To be fair, I did feel that they all had their own struggles to deal with and that I didn’t want to burden them with mine, but sometimes I think it was because I was trying to keep up this act like everything was perfect.

I then grew to become very resentful of the fact that I felt that no one actually cared about what I was going through, and that I had friends venting to me but I didn’t feel I could do the same with them… but was that really ever the case? I likely could have vented to them in the same way, but I always kept everything inside. How were they to suspect anything was wrong when I made it seem like my life was just easy and “perfect.” And to be honest, life has always been good, but when my anxiety and intrusive, ruminating thoughts were out of control, I just felt like that was life, because that was life in my head.

I was blessed enough to have my boyfriend by my side as I went through everything, but because my and my anger were so out of control, and he was the person I was around the most and also felt the most comfortable with, I often ended up taking out my issues on him. I’d snap over small things like the dishes being in the sink instead of the dishwasher, or the fact that that garbage was full. I’d get angry because sometimes I would feel like he didn’t help with chores, but I also never even asked for help. It’s nice to wish that people would just know that you need help, but also everyone is going through their own stuff and also likely not communicating it.

So I’d just snap on him, we’d argue about it, and then I always ended up crying and feeling guilty because I hated how I was behaving and didn’t understand why I couldn’t just communicate like a normal person. This cycle continued until I finally realized that I was pushing away someone who was so being so patient and loving with me, and that I truly didn’t want to continue living like this. I didn’t want to get angry over the smallest inconvenience. I didn’t want to feel constantly drained and burnt out because of me constantly over-extending myself. I didn’t want to keep crying every day or feeling like a rage was always sitting inside of me… so I finally got help.

I am grateful that was the decision I made. Although it has taken a lot of therapy, a lot of different medications, and a lot of time and effort, it has been 100% worth it. If someone told me at age twenty that it would take about seven years for me to feel more regulated and at peace, I probably would have looked at that timeline and decided to just give up right then, but honestly, although it has been a lot of time, it has been the most rewarding work I have done. This is why they say to focus on the step in front of you, not the entire staircase. When we look at how far we have to go, we can cripple ourselves and scare us into staying where we are.

The fact that I can now alleviate my ruminating thoughts within a few minutes is incredible, and honestly is something I didn’t know was possible. The fact that I can communicate my needs and ask for help instead of getting to the point where I am boiling over has been a game-changer for my relationship with my boyfriend, as well as my relationships with friends and family. The fact that I no longer look at myself with hatred or keep myself in a loop of shame/negative self-talk has had such a profound impact on my overall look at myself and at life. I now focus on finding the good and finding reasons to be grateful, rather than letting the negative weigh me down.

I am learning balance and I am taking care of myself, which is helping my to show up more authentically and present in every area of my life. I am so grateful that I was able to get help, and that I have had supportive people in my circle who love and care about me. I believe that people can change, but only if they truly want to. I wanted to change for the better, and I am proud of the work I have done. I am excited to continue learning on this healing journey, and I hope I can help some others along the way.

Writing It Out / Random Thoughts

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Part of me feels the need to write a love letter to myself. When I receive compliments, I am always appreciative and they make me feel loved, but in another way I feel like I detach myself from them. I try to take in their kind words and I understand what they are saying to me, but it’s almost as if I cannot apply that to myself. I have always talked about having a battle going on in my mind; sometimes I’d say it’s between “rational me” and “irrational me,” but whenever I’m having this internal struggle, I never know which one is me. As I write this out I know that sounds kind of stupid, because both of them are me, but I often feel like an imposter in my own life.

I know that most of my issue is the fact that I have been a people-pleaser for most of my life, and I still have those habits that I am working through. As I start to open up and share my opinions, I can feel myself shifting and reclaiming my power, but I still struggle to determine when or when not to say things. Now as I write this I am realizing I should probably only say anything if it is something that I feel is negatively impacting me or my mental health, that means I need to set some sort of boundary. Or I can always ask if someone wants to hear my opinion before I just share it, as sometimes people aren’t looking for that at that time, and some people really don’t care.

My thoughts are kind of all over the place right now and I just started thinking about writing this love letter to myself and I remembered that I did that somewhat recently, but that it was written in third person. I then started thinking back to a lot of my writings and poetry and whenever I am creating something, it is most often in the third person perspective. When I am writing a love letter to myself, it’s like I cannot even talk to me, I almost feel like I am hovering over me and witnessing me, but I am not attached to her(me). It’s like I dissociate when it comes to me giving myself love. Could that be because I had abandoned myself for so long by diving into everyone else’s lives? Have I been gone for a long time? Have I been present at all during this healing?

I have noticed that I am more present and have been recalling recent memories easier. Another helpful thing I am doing is writing down the good days / memories and putting them in a jar. That way, at the end of the year I can go back and see if I remember much from those times and also reflect on how wonderful the year was. I am taking active steps in being more aware in my life and I slow progress is still progress. I haven’t given up, and I have made it through everything and am still here to post my weekly blog post, so I deserve to celebrate that. Honestly, there are a lot of things I have to celebrate in life and actively taking time to acknowledge and be grateful for them is something that helps me to be more present and feel the love that I seem to detach from. Maybe I will write that love letter later on, but for now I can practice gratitude, and I invite anyone who is reading to comment something you are grateful for today-no matter how big or small. ♡

I am grateful for my health: the fact that I woke up today and am able to breathe, walk, eat, and function without any assistance or need to think about it is truly a blessing. Also having access to podcasts and books that provide important, useful information for both mental and physical health is incredibly helpful.

I am grateful for my relationship: my boyfriend and I have continued to grow together over the past decade and our communication skills and love for one another have only continued to evolve. I am forever thankful to have found my life partner at such a young age, and being able to watch him grow into the hard-working intelligent man that he is has been incredible. I am lucky to have someone who is respectful and honest, and also someone who will be the best father to our future children.

I am grateful for my friendships. I feel blessed to have so many close friends who understand how I am as a friend and still love me for me. I say that because I know I am terrible at reaching out and making plans, but I am always rooting for my friends and wishing them the best. I am also lucky that they reach out to me and make plans too, otherwise I’d likely never leave my house LOL-so thank you guys so much ♡

I am grateful for my job. I am blessed to have a job where I am able to pay my bills, I have health benefits and PTO and I am able to enjoy life. I am happy that I don’t have to work any weekends, as this is the first job I have ever had where that is the case. I also am confident in what I do, and I know I am a reliable, hard-working employee.

I am grateful for my cats. I always had cats growing up, and I am so happy that I was able to continue that into my adult life. I am lucky that they are all healthy and they are happy with their lives. Kitty cuddles and purrs are always soothing and it brings me joy knowing they feel safe and loved.

I am grateful for so many things in my life, and truly feel like a blessed woman. I have days where I feel depleted and off-center, I have days where my emotions get the best of me, but I know am always surrounded by love and support. Even if I am alone, I know that no matter how low I may feel, the strength and resilience within me does not disappear. It may be hard to remember during those times, but those heavy feelings are always temporary, and I know I will come back to feeling myself again. I have so much love to give to everyone else, but I need to focus on also directing it inward. I am someone with pure intentions and I feel that people are more connected than they think, and I plan to stand strong in my values as I continue to progress towards my goals. Even though it is rough sometimes, I am so grateful for my growth and for this life. Thank you. ♡

Release

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It’s so hard to watch loved ones in pain, knowing there’s nothing you can do but listen and send your love. That’s a part of life that will likely never get easier, but having faith and trust in the universe that something better is unfolding gives slight relief.

Everyone you know is going through something, whether it’s a friend or a family member, or even the person you sit by at work… you never truly know their struggles or their pain. All I can say to that is to be kind and compassionate, and remember that there are time where you will struggle too, and it’s important you have the right people in your circle.

I feel grateful for my circle. My boyfriend has been my rock for over eleven years, and the love only continues to grow. I have friends who have been in my life for longer than that, which again is a hell of a blessing. I even have some newer friends who feel like I’ve known forever. I have family who loves me and supports me as well, even if I don’t see them often.

Something I’ve noticed that is super important is now I finally feel like I have myself. I can recognize the strength within me, and I feel more confident about myself and my resilience. I have made it through some tough times in my life, including deaths and other childhood traumas as everyone has, and I am still here.

I am here to share my story and remind others that we are all stronger than we think, and that we are truly here for a reason. I may not 100% know my purpose yet, but as I continue through my own healing, I know that I am meant for more. I am meant to radiate the light that’s inside of me, and I am continuing to heal so that my light can shine brighter.

Years ago, I got a tattoo that says “it is a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” I know that although it can be difficult at times, it is necessary for me to be able to empathize with others, as well as feel all of my emotions. At this time, I am releasing the emotions that do not belong to me, and instead I will love and healing to those who need it. Remember to be kind, and remember you are stronger than you know.

Reminder to Self

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The plan was to go to the gym this morning, but so far I’ve been able to do some stretching and I just keep running back to the toilet. I know it’s because didn’t eat the best this weekend and I want to remember this moment when I am deciding to go for some chips or fries next time.

The short term gratification isn’t worth the long term effects. Now I know I’m not going to be running to the toilet forever, but I more so mean what it is doing to my insides and how I am delaying my own progress.

This morning I had a couple bites of some overnight oats I made myself. This was my first time making them, and although the texture is a bit weird, they aren’t bad! I don’t often want breakfast, but I want to get into the habit of having at least a couple bites right when I start my morning. I can just bring the rest of my oats to work and finish them as a please.

Reminder to self: the small steps matter, and small steps repeated make a big difference over time. Pay attention to your body, and listen to what it’s telling you.