health

Friends.

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I have a few close friends; some that I see monthly, others that I see every couple weeks, and some I don’t see for several months. We are all adults who have our own busy lives, and luckily all my friends are very understanding of this. However, as we grow older our needs change, what we want/need in our lives is always shifting, and sometimes friends drift apart.

I struggle sometimes with what I am looking for and needing in a friendship, because of course I want to surround myself with positive people who are wanting to progress in life, but I also am not saying I never want people to express their emotions/feelings to me; I mean we all need to vent!

I guess I just don’t agree with a lot of my friends with certain things, but at the same time we are still able to see through those things and continue a regular friendship; I think more-so it comes down to that I feel like I cannot support a behavior that I do not agree with. But then I’m also like, I can ignore that and remember that everything happens for a reason/it is what it is.

I guess that’s where I struggle, as part of me is like “am I too judgemental with my friends who I don’t agree with?” or are they truly not good for my progress in life? I guess it comes down to, would I rather be alone than have them as friends? That gets hard too because I am a person who enjoys solitude, so it’s hard to say if I’d be cutting people off for the right reasons or not.

I had a best friend years ago, we were friends in high school and we were friends for a couple years after that. I called her my best friend, but in reality we never had any real conversations. One of the reasons we aren’t friends anymore was because I couldn’t deal with her immaturity anymore, but I had also been coming to a realization toward the end of our friendship that she never had her own opinions on anything, which made it hard for any real conversations to happen.

It felt like she just said what other people were saying, but had no idea why she was doing that or how she actually felt about it. She prioritized drinking/partying as well as taking pictures for social media. I’ll admit, I fell into that with her in that friendship; I was new to social media as my parents wouldn’t let me have Facebook until I was 16, and I enjoyed taking/posting pictures of myself having a good time with friends, and she was my best friend for that.

Over time she started disrespecting me, and I’d honestly usually let it go. She’d make fun of me, she’d talk all about her sex life but if I said anything about me and my boyfriend she’d gag and tell me to stop talking about it, but overall she had no respect for me whatsoever. The last straw was when I went to visit her at her college campus to celebrate my 21st birthday.

We celebrated a week after my birthday since her dad and I share a birthday, and I drove up to see her and she said we would have a girls night out drinking and we’d just stay at her sorority house that night. I met one of her other friends and we started bar crawling. At the last crowded bar there was a dance floor, and she wanted to go in and dance. I’m all for dancing with my girls so I said yes, but that quickly turned into her finding some guy to start grinding on. Mind you, I am in a committed relationship and had been for five years at that point, so I’m not out here trying to having dudes dance all over me.

So I exited the dance floor and hung out by the bar talked to a couple girls I met (you know how drunk girls always become friends? LOL), well eventually my “bff” comes out from the dance floor with that same dude she was all over, and she tells me she is going home with him. I am freshly 21 in a college town that I’m unfamiliar with, and she just told me she’s leaving me there. I asked her “where am I supposed to go??” and she gave me the code to her sorority house and left with this dude.

I called my boyfriend (mind you, it’s like 2am) and asked him to stay on the phone with me while I walked a couple blocks back to her place. He was infuriated of course, and I was too, but the alcohol likely helped to keep me more calm. I was very observant on my walk and truly just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to get attacked/raped because you hear all these horror stories about college campuses. Luckily I made it to her place safely and have obviously lived to tell the tale, but safe to say that was basically the end of our friendship.

We did talk afterwards as she got mad at me that my boyfriend messaged her telling her she was a shit friend (which I didn’t know he was going to do), and she said that I didn’t want to be her friend because my boyfriend convinced me of that. Like no girl, you left me alone in the middle of the night in an unfamiliar area while we were celebrating MY BIRTHDAY! But once she was mad about that we had a text argument back and forth where I ended up just blocking her completely, and that was finally the end of a five year friendship.

The problem for me is that it took five years for me to realize that she was not a good friend to me, even when my boyfriend had been somewhat telling me that the whole time. He also says that about current friends, and my mom does too, which makes me feel like I am possibly just settling for friends again when I really don’t even need them. I don’t mean that in a malicious way, I more-so mean that I’ve grown to know and love myself a lot more over the last few years, and I am very content with being alone and having minimal friends.

I need to do some exploring within myself to see what it is that I am wanting/needing in my life when it comes to friends. As I grow older, my priorities are changing, life is changing, and sometimes you need to let certain people go to allow room for growth. I’ll be sitting with this for a while, as I feel I already have been. Please feel free to share your own story or advice in the comments, as maybe we can help each other.

Wishing Well

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I feel it is important to think of the people we love and care about, and wish them well. I was just sitting here on my lunch break and I know my boyfriend is back to work after a four-day weekend, and I’m just hoping he is having a good day. I know it’s likely stressful for him, but I hope things go as smoothly as they can for him and it’s not too rough; he works so hard and deserves to have good days!

I also hope my friends who are trying to conceive are able to do so soon. There are a couple different people I know who are struggling to get pregnant, and another friend who recently started trying, and all I can do is hope and pray that they can get their wishes granted. I remember watching an old friend go through infertility issues and a miscarriage after IVF, and it was so heartbreaking to see her so upset; but now she has two healthy boys and every time I see photos of them I get so happy for her. I pray my other friends are able to experience that joy.

To my friends struggling with mental health and insecurities, I hope they are able to find the strength to keep going each day and take the time to work on themselves, for themselves. I just want my loved ones to love themselves unconditionally- we all have “flaws,” but they make us who we are! There is so much beauty in our uniqueness if we just take the time to see it in a more positive light. I know it’s a lot of hard work, but it’s the most important work.

I also hope my fellow blog readers/followers are all doing well! I appreciate you taking time to read my posts, and I hope you can find some time for yourself today; whether it’s taking a bath, reading a good news article, lighting your favorite candle, or simply taking a moment to breathe. You deserve time for yourself. ♡

Monday Affirmations

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Happy Monday everyone! I hope everyone is starting off their week on the right foot. If not, try to take a few minutes of your day to focus in on your emotions and what you’re feeling, and then think about how want to feel and write that down or say it aloud (whichever is easier).

I am feeling a little off today recovering from a fun, yet exhausting weekend; so I’m going to list some affirmations for myself. Feel free to write yours in the comments if you feel like it!

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Good energy flows to me and leaves me feeling light and happy.

I attract positive energy and good vibes.

I am thankful for my health.

I am grateful for my family and friends.

I am able to see the good in each day.

I attract positive, healthy friendships.

I release all negative energy and thoughts of self doubt.

I release all heavy, tired feelings.

I already have everything I need to be happy in life.

Good news flows to me in abundance.

Money flows to me in abundance.

Thursday Thoughts

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With the new moon yesterday, I’ve been thinking about new intentions, and I really want to work on non-judgment. I am a very observant person, but this also makes me very judgmental. I find myself judging others for their “bad choices,” when in reality I don’t know what is a “good” or “bad” choice for that person; it just is what it is.

It’s basically like how I am rewiring my angry/negative thoughts to being thankful, I am going to actively start doing that when I find myself being judgmental. I have read about practicing non-judgment before, and I truly wish to master this skill. I know it will take time, and I’ll never be “perfect,” but I feel like a “bad” person when I’m judging others and I don’t like that feeling.

When I find myself being judgmental, I will instead start thinking about why I am grateful for that person or think of a positive way to look at them. I will also remind myself that “it is what it is, and should be,” because everything truly does happen for a reason. Does anyone else have any tips/tricks for this?

Affirmations.

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I have a lovely weekend, although I missed my blog post. Today I’m going to do a little something for me- feel free to join along with some affirmations for yourself! Happy Monday!

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My mind is a peaceful place; I enjoy the time I spend in my head.

I attract what is meant for me, and I release what is not for me.

Good news and positivity flows to me abundantly.

I am deserving of inner peace.

I release all negative energy to make room for positive vibrations.

My circle is filled with positive, motivating people who love me for me.

I do not worry about what I cannot control.

It is what it is, and should be. ♡

Thank You.

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I’ve been on a path of self-growth and gratitude, and it’s truly amazing how much saying “thank you” can do. I’m was reading a book called “The Magic,” which is a daily practice book- meaning you only read a few pages each morning and you follow the steps in the book. I did fall off of reading this when my mother had her stroke, and honestly I haven’t picked the book back up yet, but I have made sure to still do one of the practices daily.

Every morning I was writing down ten things that I’m grateful for, why I am grateful for them, and then said “thank you” three times after each one. After a while I got tired of writing them in my phone notes, so now I actually say them aloud in the car on my way to work. I’ve been noticing some “magic” (and/or coincidences) happening already!

For example, every day a lot of the ten things tend to be the same, but I switched it up a bit and said I was thankful for coffee. I am grateful for coffee, because it tastes good and gives me energy and just makes my day that much better; I spoke this into the universe, said “thank you, thank you, thank you,” and kept driving to work. When I got close to my destination, the line at the nearest Dunkin’ was short, and I actually had time to stop before work! So I went into work happy with my iced coffee, and then one of my coworkers shows up with another iced coffee for me! I was shocked, but boy did it make the day even better LOL!

Today I told the universe I was thankful for money, and then my boss surprised me with a $100 Visa gift card for not getting any “points” (basically penalties) against me for the past year of work. What’s even crazier is that I actually had left this job for a few months and they brought me back in when my other job didn’t work out like I thought it would, and she still rewarded me with the gift card! Again, I know these can be coincidental, but at the same time, believing in a little magic can be fun!

Using free time to remember things that we are grateful for can truly make a world of a difference in our minds. It’s all perspective and mindset; as my mom always told me “mind over matter.” I used to get so mad at that phrase when I was a kid, but wow do I appreciate it now. It’s crazy to think that there truly is a bit of magic everywhere, we are just too distracted and busy to see it. Being aware and present in the moment can really open up a whole new world within you!

I hope everyone has a magical weekend! Abs thank you for being here. ♡

Sappy Sunday

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Maybe it’s because Valentine’s day just passed, or it’s the season of love, but I have been feeling so happy and in love lately! I am always in love with my boyfriend of course, but I have just been intentionally thinking about it more often and appreciating it more, and I have been doing the same in other aspects of my life. I actually am loving myself more and more each day, and that is something I really never thought I would be able to do.

I have been practicing a lot of gratitude, and I feel it has truly helped me to be more present. I’m noticing more small details around me, and I feel myself becoming more in tune with myself and others. I spent Friday night with my best friend and we had such a great night! We laughed so much, and just had a great time like we have since we were in high school. When we parted ways on Saturday, she told me that I was very inspiring for her during the time we spent together, and that she can tell that I feel “lighter,” which was weird as hell because I was just telling a different friend about feeling that way.

There is something about other people noticing your progress that almost makes it feel more “real” in a way. Not that I don’t trust myself when I notice changes I’ve made, but it is nice to know that the people who love and care about me can tell a positive difference in me. Now, I don’t anticipate never feeling down again, I know emotions are real and ever changing, but I know how to cope better when I am having hard times which is honestly relieving. To know that I do have control over myself and how I react and respond to situations. I know I have the power to rewire my brain to think more positively, and eliminate thoughts of self doubt and insecurities; honestly I have been feeling a lot more confident in myself lately.

Feeling this way, making progress that I never thought I’d see, just makes me want to help my friends and loved ones feel this way. Having my best friend tell me that I was “inspiring” truly warmed my heart and nearly brought tears to my eyes; I only want my friends to love themselves and be happy. I honestly want that for everyone, because I feel that would benefit all mankind.

Overwhelmed with Emotions.

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My last post was a week ago, a day after my mother’s stroke. I am blessed to say that my mother is home now and living a normal life. She is still having some minor mobility issues with her left hand/fingers, but overall she is recovering well! I feel so grateful every day that I still have my mother here, and honestly, things have already changed a lot for her since the stroke. My mother has smoked cigarettes for decades now, and she has not had one since her stroke. She will keep an unlit cigarette by her at home and will sometimes do the motion like she is smoking it, but she still hasn’t actually smoked one. She also has only had one beer- this is the woman who has been drinking beer and hard liquor every night since I was seven years old! She hasn’t had any feelings of withdrawal, and she is doing an amazing job.

Over this week I have had a bunch of emotions come up; I found myself crying randomly at home or driving to/from work. Every time that I found myself crying, I realized that there weren’t sad tears… they were tears of joy. I was feeling so overwhelmingly grateful to the universe that my mother is okay and still gets to live a normal life. I also felt a huge sense of accomplishment for myself, because I am no longer on anxiety medication and I handled this situation better than I ever expected to. My boyfriend said to me: “I am so proud of you. I feel like if this would have happened two years ago, you would have folded up like a lawn chair” (LOL), and he is right!

In the past, I would be thinking so far into the future about “what if she has another stroke and she isn’t so lucky that time?” or “what if she stops taking her medications and starts drinking/smoking again?” To be fair, these thoughts have obviously crossed my mind, but I am able to redirect them and remind myself that we can only take life day by day. The other day when I found myself asking those hypotheticals, I said to myself: “Today my mom is alive. She has not had a cigarette, and she hasn’t had any hard alcohol; today is a good day.” I am finding it easier and easier to rewire my bad thoughts into thoughts of gratitude or positivity, and realizing that made me break down in tears (more than once).

For a long time, I truly thought I would never be able to get off of my medication. I thought I would have to rely on them forever and I would never be able to truly handle my emotions or traumas on my own. And don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being on medications for life, especially if they are working to keep you alive and well. I just always have had this goal of being able to come off of my medications and truly see if I can handle things “on my own.” For this event to occur while I have been off my medication for seven months, and for me to be able to handle it well without shutting down, feeling guilty, or continuously looping terrible future scenarios over and over again in my head, I am impressed with myself.

I always find myself choking up when I tell my boyfriend that I never thought I could handle anything like this without medication or without having panic attacks. I am insanely proud of myself for continuing therapy, reading self-help books, and listening to some eye-opening self-reflection podcasts. I honestly feel like the hard truths and hard questions are what has helped me be able to make progress in my brain. I feel like I’ve just reached this goal that I once thought was unachievable, and I just want everyone else to be able to do the same thing. I want people to cry tears of joy because they can see and feel their own progress. I want people to see life in a new, more positive light. I want everyone to do the hard work for yourself, because you are always worth it! We all truly deserve to be the best versions of ourselves, and we deserve to be proud of ourselves. I hope everyone has a great week ahead. ♡

Thankful

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Last night my mother had a stroke. She’s only 52 and has not had any prior signs indicating that this would happen, however she has high blood pressure that she has not been managing. We’re still waiting on MRI results, but I was able to go visit her in the hospital and am so relieved that she is alert and talking.

I don’t honestly feel like going into all the details, but so far things look good. I hate seeing her worry; I just kept staying positive and reminding her that she’s so lucky and thanked her for being here. I talk to my mom almost every day, and to think that one day she won’t be here terrifies me… but lucky for me, I have her now.

She is still in the hospital and will be until at least tomorrow. We are blessed to have time to get her into healthier habits and get her BP regulated; hopefully I have some more decades with her. For now, I am so thankful that she is here and recovering. Just a reminder to hold your loved ones close and tell them that you love them whenever you can, and be thankful for them while they’re here.

Late/Tired

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It’s late, but I didn’t want to not write at all. I had a good weekend, seeing friends and enjoying time with my boyfriend. I have been watching trash tv (LOL my guilty pleasure is Are You The One on MTV), and it’s honestly been so relaxing.

I have been still practicing the art of gratitude daily and really focusing on the positive side of things, and I can tell an overall difference in my mood. It may we a weird way to describe it, but I feel lighter. Like I just feel as if I am carrying less worry and less stress, and it makes me want to continue on this path.

For now I am going to rest as I have to work early tomorrow- I hope everyone has a great week ahead!