I have been on a social media break since the beginning of December. One of the accounts I really liked on Instagram has an email signup where they send daily affirmations, so I had signed up over a year ago and I continue to get them. Todays affirmation from Moon Omens was as follows:
“I trust that what is meant
for me is on its way. I am in
alignment with my life path.
I embrace the unknown.
I choose love over fear.”
I definitely needed this today, as I have just been in a little funk with this winter season. I also have been dealing with different health conditions like flu, uti and possible tonsillitis. We also had to take one of our cats to the vet yesterday, so today we will get results from her blood and urine. I’ve just been feeling a bit overwhelmed and when I read this I resonated with it. I figured I also can take this and put my own personal twist on it:
I trust that what is meant for me is on its way; I am allowed to release all of my worries and let go of control.
I am in alignment with my life path, even when I am not feeling 100% myself, I can trust this is all happening for me and a higher plan.
I embrace the unknown, and lean in with curiosity. This had me immediately think of another other quote I stumbled upon recently that says “The only true wisdom is knowing you know nothing.” I am allowed to dive into the unknown and let go of the need to appear smart or perfect.
I choose love over fear. I think we’ve all heard the phrase “the only thing to fear is fear itself,” and that is because if you let it, fear can completely take you over. I’d much prefer to live a life where I see through a lens of love and compassion rather than fear and hatred.
I’m using this weekend as a reset. I want to get back in a good headspace and focus on my goals- I am honestly very excited for it. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! Sending extra love and positive vibes to everyone!
Mel Robbins has talked a lot about this topic: “Let them.” She even wrote a book about it that is available for preorder (which I need to order that at some point). This phrase has become so powerful, because it allows you to take your energy and time back, and it allows you to let go of control.
In reality, we can’t change anyone else; I mean, look how hard it is to make changes in your own life! Yet, even though we know we can’t make anyone else change, we may still spend time and energy being bothered by things they do that we don’t understand. We waste our own time thinking about how others should change or even thinking about how they perceive us, when we cannot control any of that at all!
No matter how mindful or nice I try to be, someone could still think I am annoying or rude. I have no control over how someone else views me, and in reality, it really isn’t my business. How we feel about ourselves is what really matters- and a lot of us carry a lot of shame and guilt that we end up projecting onto our outer world. That is why the more we heal our own wounds, the more we heal the world. If we have less assumptions and projections and we have more discussions and connections, then we recognize how similar we all are and can give each other (and ourselves) grace.
Let people think what they want about you- as long as you know and love yourself, that is what matters. Let people act the way they do; as an adult you can set boundaries and if they break those boundaries, you can decide to let go of that relationship. In other words, then it’s time for “let me.” You are in control of your own decisions and who you decide to spend your time with. When someone is not respectful of your boundaries, listen to them.
We can complain all we want about people crossing our boundaries, but if we never stand up for ourselves, that is also a choice. You get to decide how long you put up with disrespect. We also complain about other people’s choices or actions, but that is literally taking time and energy away from your own life goals. You get to decide if you want to keep thinking about and judging someone’s actions over focusing on your own dreams and ambitions.
“Let them” is powerful, and so is “let me.” This year, I am leaning more into this theory. As I approach my 30th birthday (well, it’s not until July LOL), I am reminded to take a look at how I spend my own time and start to be more intentional with it. I live a very beautiful life and I never want to take it for granted. I am grateful for the countless blessings that surround me, and I am so happy to be present to all of this.
Today I went inside Dunkin’ to order coffee, because the drive thru line was insane. Once I was inside I was able to order right away and went over to the pick up area to wait for my drinks. The cold brew for my fiancé came out quickly, and then I was just waiting on my iced coffee. A line of people start forming by me as they are also awaiting their orders, and the start minutes going by. Turns out they had run out of iced coffee, so they were working on making another batch. The beeping of the machines was so loud and felt never-ending, and the staff was all moving around quickly doing each of their duties as best as they could with the circumstances.
As I was sitting there, I started thinking about the experience as a metaphor for life. Being in that restaurant, as overstimulating as it was, was really just showing me the art of patience and mastering our own minds. Whether the employees decide to get frustrated or customers decide to get angry, nothing was going to change. Yelling and being upset is not going to make the iced coffee come faster. Giving up and throwing in the towel was not going to stop the mobile orders receipts from piling up. As much as it can feel like “when it rains, it pours,” how we shift our mindset and process our emotions is key.
There is so much external sh*t in our lives that we cannot control. The more time we spend trying to control our external environment, the more we are ignoring our inner world. Instead of focusing on how long the wait is or why the staff didn’t make iced coffee “fast enough,” why not focus on the fact that you are still having your iced coffee made for you. Why not focus on the fact that you’re lucky enough to not be behind that counter with the stress of having customers scream around you for things you’re actively trying to fix. When we focus on what is within our control (aka our mindset/perspective) we can become less rigid and overwhelmed by life.
There are things in life that you truly can never prepare for. Things like becoming a parent, having a parent pass away, witnessing an unexpected tragedy- these are beyond our control, yet we still have to live with the results. Life will continue to throw challenges our way, which is why mental health and emotional wellbeing are so important. The more we understand ourselves and how we process certain things, the more we can support ourselves during the journey of life.
Being able to have a more positive perspective or being able to lean into faith and letting go allows for less tension and suffering in our minds and bodies. Worrying about things beyond our control only fuels fear and robs us of the peace and joy we can find in the present moment. I have been actively trying to be more present in my life, and I know that there is so much comfort in stepping back and getting out of survival mode.
I could have become irritable and impatient waiting for my iced coffee, and I could have even used the excuse of all of the chaos that ensued in my life over this past week, but what was that going to do for me? Encourage my misery? Allow me to stay in a victim mentality? Instead I tapped into this “life imitates art” moment and recognized the metaphor in front of me. There is peace in letting go- whether it’s letting go of expectations, outcomes, or the need to control the situations around you, you’ll find that there is a feeling of content that washes over you when you stop and just be.
it’s wild how people who don’t even know you have so many strong opinions about your relationship and future marriage. people get bothered when people wait so long to get married. but people also get bothered when people get married very fast. so in general people are just bothered.
todays thoughts about that draft:
true, people are always bothered. hell, I was bothered when I was writing that obviously LOL. in general, it always comes down to what you believe and what you know to be true for your life. there’s a reason things bother us, and usually it’s to show us what is truly important to us.
I’ve always had this feeling that I am meant for “more.” I have always felt that my words could reach many people and inspire them to live their best, happiest lives, even though the self-improvement category itself has millions of authors and podcasters already. I’ve always dreamed of writing a book and starting a podcast, because I was able to improve my own life with the help of therapy and consuming this very content that I wish to create. But why do I feel the need to spread the word? Is this really for the good of all and helping others, or am I feeding a need for validation that I was constantly seeking throughout childhood? Do I actually crave the spotlight when I have been doing so well at hiding from it my entire life? Do I feel the need to “fix” and “help” people, because I didn’t feel like anyone was there to do that for me as a kid? I’m just going to journal out some thoughts and see if I can get clarity to any of these questions.
From my current perspective, I can acknowledge that I had a traumatic childhood when it came to my home/family life. My parents were functioning alcoholics that seemed to hate each other based on the profane words they screamed at each other every night. I was overly sheltered and controlled, all while my parents were most certainly out of control. As I grew into my teenage years, I started recognizing how abnormal my family situation was, and this is where the anger inside grew. I never rebelled in my opinion, but I did start to have a pretty smart-ass attitude due to the fact that I was not allowed to have the same big emotions that my parents had. I remember being upset about something and my dad mocking me by saying “awwww why don’t you go slit your wrists.” He felt that I was overly dramatic… I wonder where I got it from.
That was a very small blip of the kind words I heard directed towards me, but all to say that I had a lot of anger and self-worth issues within me. Once I moved out of their apartment and into my own with my boyfriend, I thought all my issues would be gone. In my head, I knew that clearly my parents were the problem, so I was confused when my anxiety and anger issues did not dissipate, instead they started to eat me alive. I felt so much shame, and I started taking the anger out on myself in my mind. I repeated phrases I heard from my father repeatedly inside my head. “Dumbass.” “You’re not gonna make it on your own.” “You’re so dramatic.” “You’re the reason we fight.” I never believed any of those drunk words at home, but now as I sit in my own apartment with these uncontrollable thoughts, I can’t help but think that it must have been me the entire time. Why did I still feel like this even though I was no longer under my parents’ control? After months of constant crying and panic attacks, my fiancé finally said to me: “I think you need help.” And I knew I did. I didn’t want to feel that way every single day of my life, and I had no idea how to help myself, so I found a psychiatrist and started my journey.
I know I have talked about my medication journey and all of that before on this blog, but long story short I was not happy with my psychiatrist or the medication I was on. I ended up quitting cold turkey after my doctor refused to allow me to stop the medication, and it took a while for me to consider starting any other anti-anxiety medications again. Over the years, I found help in talk therapy, but also found a lot of help in listening to podcasters such as Jay Shetty, Mel Robbins and Gabby Bernstein. I found help in self-help books, as well as spiritual books such as The Four Agreements and The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. I found help in talking walks outside and focusing on play, rather than perfectionism. To this day, I am still in therapy and thanks to my doctor, I have been able to gain a better understanding of myself and why I am the way I am. I am still practicing being present and allowing myself to try new things without focusing so much on being good at whatever it is I am doing. Life isn’t about being good at everything, life is about being able to handle failure and recognizing that we are here to learn and grow constantly. I used to feel so defeated if I made a single mistake, and I would go down a shame spirals of self-loathing that took a while to dig myself out of. Now I still will have moments where I feel upset with myself or my progress, but it is much easier to pull myself out of that headspace and remind myself to give the same grace and love that I give to others to myself.
I remember how horrible it was to live in my head when it was riddled with abuse and negative self-talk. I remember feeling guilty for being sad and feeling empty when I had such a beautiful life around me. On the outside, everyone saw success, but on the inside I was dying. All of my worth came from my accomplishments and what I was doing with my life, but inside I felt less than worthy of any of it. I felt inauthentic and angry, and instead of allowing myself to just feel through the hard feelings, I kept hating them and shoving them away into a deep, dark shame hole, which only seemed to grow and consume me. It was when I finally recognized that fighting against my thoughts only made everything feel more chaotic that I started to actively just allow the thoughts to just be and then go. When I gave each of these negative thoughts the extra attention, it only made them stronger and allowed them to ruminate around and around; but once I acknowledged the thought and let it pass, it became so much calmer in my mind and body.
I prefer to have a calm mind and body. I prefer to feel control over my thoughts, rather than the other way around. I’d rather feed the positive thoughts and ruminate on good news. I’d rather see the good in the world and the lessons in the chaos, knowing that all is happening for the greatest good. I’d love a world in which we could stop hating ourselves, thus making it easier to love another, bringing peace across the world. This is a dream I have, as I can see the difference in myself and how I interact with the world around me now that I understand and love myself. I truly believe that if humans were in tune with themselves and had empathy and compassion towards others, we could have peace here on Earth. When I started this post, I was looking for an answer as to why I had these dreams to write a book and start a podcast, but that is because those are tools that can be used to assist in this large, seemingly impossible dream. I know in my heart that love always is the answer, and love is always meant to win. No matter how dark the world gets, there is light that can break through and shine brightly. The world needs more light, and the only way to achieve that dream is to do my part and spread light of my own.
I’ve been enjoying all of the love that is surrounding me. From the love within these walls that is shared with my fiancé, to the love exchanged in fun facetime calls with friends, to the love that extends beyond miles and reaches family in far places. I have been so blessed to have such great support, and it’s something I am trying to be present to and truly appreciate in the moment.
I have been constantly making lemon ginger immunity shots for a few weeks now, as well as putting together lunches for work and fruit jars as healthy snacks. I’ve been slacking when it comes to movement and getting in a good routine with that, but I’m about to have a schedule that is super consistent and I want to plan workouts around then. Even if it’s just starting with 3x a week, I know this is something that my body will thank me for and my future self will as well.
I am feeling another social media detox coming up, and I know that I need it. I remember how great I felt actually taking time to do the things I wanted and feeling like I had more free time and I deserve to have that again. I waste so much time scrolling and I don’t want to keep abandoning my goals and dreams; I am the only one who is standing in my way.
I am excited for this upcoming break and for my time to myself. I am focusing on spending time and energy on things that truly make me feel fulfilled, and I feel so grateful to have so many good people in my life that I can have great conversations with. I am enjoying this chapter of my life, and I am so excited to see what blessings are to come this year!
I am taking this time to actually practice what I preach, as I feel like I have been out of my element for a bit. I am going to take this blog post as time to acknowledge my growth and progress, as a way to remind myself that I have not regressed, and healing is not linear. What is important is that I continue to come back to myself, and so I am.
I used to never allow myself to rest. I remember I’d wake up on Sunday mornings and immediately hop out of bed and start doing chores. Whether that was washing/putting away dishes, or taking out garbage, or reorganizing the closet… no matter how many tasks I scratched off the list, I always made more for myself. I would not allow myself the luxury of lying down next to the love of my life and just enjoying his warm embrace for a few minutes. I wouldn’t allow myself to have time to think about my intention for the day, or take time to do something for myself, because I always said that I would relax or reward myself after the (never-ending) chores were done.
Now I have a better mindset about relaxing and self care, and I allow myself to do something for myself prior to starting any to-do lists there may be. I understand the importance of setting yourself up for the day and taking time for yourself right in the morning, as I have heard in a podcast before: it’s like putting on your armor for the day. When you don’t start your morning off right, the day can easily get out of control, and it can feel more overwhelming. Although I do not have a set morning routine, I find that on the days that I do wake up early enough to stretch or even do a 5-10 minute meditation, I just feel calmer throughout the day. On my weekends when I can cuddle with my love for a bit, I now look forward to and enjoy those moments. Whether its taking time to read a chapter of a good book, having a cup of coffee or tea in silence, or taking a walk around the neighborhood, taking time to participate in self care is important. I am happy to say that this is the new mindset I live by, and I am glad I recognized that self care isn’t selfish, it is necessary.
I often remember feeling trapped in the endless chaos in my brain. I felt like I was constantly in a battle with what I previously called “rational me” and “irrational me,” and I could never feel at peace or confident in any of my decisions or emotions. I was keeping myself busy with working full time, doing school part time, and constantly over-extending myself in my social life in order to avoid my own issues and try to keep up with my dysregulated nervous system. I also remember feeling very insecure in my relationship; I felt like I was a burden who was always crying and worrying about “what ifs,” I assumed I was awful to be around because it sure felt awful in my head. I felt stupid, confused, full of rage and I didn’t even understand why I felt these things, but now I do.
Now that I have gone through years of trying different anxiety medications, working with a couple different therapists, and dedicating myself to reading and listening to self-help material, I have a much better understanding of my brain and why I am the way that I am. Being able to understand that the environment I grew up in while my brain was developing had a large impact on my reasoning, coping skills, and habits has allowed me to have more compassion towards myself, rather than continuing with the self-loathing and negative self-talk. I am able to make mistakes without scolding myself or calling myself stupid. I am able to recognize that my thoughts are not me, I can choose which ones I want to connect with and I can release the ones that are not serving me. I also am able to recognize when I am in a state of anxiety, and I have breathing exercises and grounding exercises that allow me to bring myself back to the present, and calm my mind and body.
I still have a lot of work to do, and I am comfortable with the fact that healing isn’t linear, but it is forever. Life will continue to bring new blessings, as well as challenges, but the more I know myself and how I respond to certain triggers and events, I can continue to learn how to better handle stressful situations. There is freedom in the awareness, as hard as it can be to see at first. Seeing the toxic habits, acknowledging the choices that hinder growth, once you can see how you’re holding yourself back, you can set yourself free. I know I silence myself out of fear of disappointing and hurting others, and I still have to work on more self-love and self-trust. I need to dedicate myself to healthier habits and pay attention to what makes me feel whole, and continue to show up for myself and my dreams. This blog is part of it all, so I guess I can celebrate that. ♡
Turns out, I also have opinions, and I have been muting them in order keep the peace (aka avoid confrontation). But that is not me being authentic with myself, I instead am keeping myself silenced like I felt as a child. Hearing the words “you’re the kid, you have no say” and constantly being shit on for having emotions was something my brain learned to adapt to. I went into a fawn stage early in life, and I actively made sure to work around people and appear as a “nice girl” at all times. I kept any feelings of anger shoved away to avoid confrontation with others, and I just wanted everything to be peaceful.
As I have grown older and learned about people-pleasing, I have recognized how manipulative it can be. Saying “yes,” to something when I want to say “no” makes the other person think that this is something I want to do, which isn’t true. Saying yes to avoid hurting their feelings or avoid coming off like a “bad friend” isn’t authentic behavior, which creates an internal battle. Something I have learned along my journey that helped in a major way is to make space for myself to be able to take time before I make a decision. For example, if someone asks me to help them with something, instead of immediately saying “yes,” I can say “let me think about it and get back to you.” This allows me to sit with the idea and see what else is on my schedule and decide if this is something I have the capacity for. I found that I was constantly signing myself up for things that I really didn’t want to do or had much time for, and I was burning out quickly which doesn’t help anyone!
I do still find a bit of struggle in speaking up about my opinions or beliefs in conversations with others. I have been quiet for so long that I just let others say their opinions and find myself putting their feelings and needs first. It feels rude and uncomfortable to insert my opinion, which often is a differing opinion, when it wasn’t asked for. Then again, I guess I could easily preface it with “do you want to hear my opinion/perspective on this?” Wow, I may have solved that problem LOL. I guess that is something I may have already known but never really thought of applying it to that type of situation.
This is one of the many reasons I enjoy writing. It requires me to slow down my thoughts as I am writing them out, and I often find the answers I need right inside myself. I deserve to have a voice, and writing also allows me to have that. I am thankful for this blog, and am so proud of my consistency with posting. After reading through my old journals, and even some of my old blog posts, the growth truly shows. I have been slowly rewiring my brain to focus more on the positivity of the world, and also detach myself from unhealthy habits and beliefs. I am happy to finally have a healthier inner dialogue, and even though there is always room for improvement, I am so proud of the progress I have made. I am not stupid nor am I unworthy of sharing my thoughts and opinions. I truly care about others, however I cannot abandon myself for their comfort. I can only keep my own peace, and I deserve my inner peace, as does everybody else. I will never lose my empathy for others, but I will set and protect my boundaries as required. I am the only person who is guaranteed to be with me on my dying day, therefore my relationship with myself is the most important one.
I read a post this morning on Instagram by an author named Vex King, and I wanted to take a moment to reflect on it:
This post immediately made me think about codependency and what that looked like for me early on. I started dating my current boyfriend at age sixteen, and he was the first person that I ever dated seriously. At the time I was obviously still living with my parents, and since I was a moody teenager and my parents were functioning alcoholics, the environment was less than ideal. There would be nights of loud fights where cops were called and my boyfriend would drive over to pick me up, and he’d just drive around to different towns as I cried and vented about my life. He’d comfort me and listen to me, and I knew I had someone good in my life.
When I look back at that now, I can see how that attachment / codependency was forming, and it continued once we moved in together at 20 years old. I did rely on him to make me feel better, because I got used to him being there. I also know that younger me would not have handled any sort of break up well, as I definitely felt that I needed him in order to survive. I found myself mirroring his moods, and it felt detrimental whenever we had an argument or disagreement, because I was constantly worried about him being upset with me, because I thought that would lead to him leaving me.
I was very insecure and has low self-esteem for most of my life, even if I didn’t always present it that way. I always thought my boyfriend would find a girl who was “less anxious and crazy,” or “more fun to be around,” because I always felt like a burden. Don’t get me wrong, he would constantly reassure me and tell me: “you’re not as bad as you think you are.” That was something I couldn’t understand at the time, but I am forever grateful that he saw the real me inside, behind all of the built up emotions and anxiety.
With therapy and leaning into the self-healing work, I have been able to learn about myself and my brain in ways that has helped me make leaps and bounds when it comes to my self-worth. I no longer feel confused or frustrated with my thoughts, I feel like I finally understand them and why I am the way I am. I can see my strengths when it comes to perseverance and reliability, and I know that I can take care of myself, just as I did before even starting a relationship at sixteen.
Growing up with alcoholic parents does something to your brain. When the brain is developing, it is constantly learning how to adapt to the environment around you, and you learn habits that help you to survive in life. Unconsciously we develop our own habits and coping skills and when we aren’t aware/conscious of them, we take them with us into adulthood.
As a child, I was used to being quiet and trying to keep the peace, and just tried to stay under the radar- that was until puberty and hormones took over. Once I was a raging teenager, the big emotions and anger became a lot for me. What was confusing is that I’d see my parents have these explosive fights with one another, but then when I was angry or upset I was told I was “being dramatic,” or that I shouldn’t feel that way. I was shamed for having big emotions, yet my parents had them all the time!
When I was able to finally leave that environment, I thought all of my problems would disappear. I knew I’d be living with my best friend/life partner and I knew there wouldn’t be excessive drinking or insane fights. Although both of these things were true, my anxiety and mental health issues still came along for the ride. After months of struggling with my emotions and having pointless fits of rage, with the support of my boyfriend I finally decided to get help.
Although it wasn’t the easiest journey, I am forever grateful that I took matters into my own hands and did something for myself. This was the start of my healing, and I only recently have been able to see how far I’ve come. It’s important to take time to recognize and celebrate growth, and in taking time to reflect on this post, that is exactly what I’m doing.
I love life with my boyfriend, and now we live a very interdependent life. We can rely on each other for support and we enjoy helping one another. We no longer live a life where I am just leaning on him and expecting him to solve all of my problems. I know that I am responsible for my own problems and emotions, and he is not required to fix anything. And even though the plan is forever, I at least know that if something ever were to change, I’d survive on my own.
I find it is important in a partnership to truly listen to each others wants/needs, and be respectful, yet honest about what you can do for them. So many people struggle with mental health, and often times will rely on a partner to fix their problems, when they may also have unresolved issues of their own. There is no shame in seeking professional help, especially if it is to benefit your life and your relationship.
I am glad that I had the courage and support to start my healing journey, and I am proud of how I show up in my relationships today. Whether it’s with my boyfriend or with my friends, or even the relationship I have with myself, I remind myself that we are connected, but not attached. Even as great as I feel now, I am not attached to this version of myself, because I know I am an ever-evolving creature who will continue to learn and grow.
I am proud that I can recognize my self-defeating patterns quicker and that my default now is to immediately start seeing what to be grateful for in any moment.
I am proud that I can face the darker parts of me and give them compassion and understanding instead of shoving them away with anger and resentment.
I am proud that I see that I am living the life I have always wanted, and although there is so much more good to look forward to, I am very happy and aware of the precious present moments.
I am proud of the fact that I have a wonderful group of friends who love and support me, and I’m so grateful we can all celebrate our growth and accomplishments together.
I am proud of my patience and my resilience in my own healing / self-love journey; I stay giving myself grace and love every day.
I feel so very blessed today and every day, and I never want to take it for granted.
From Dark to Light 