progress

Open, Hopeful and Grateful. ♡

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This Thanksgiving is going to be another lowkey holiday, mainly because I just got over a cold and now my boyfriend is working through his. We don’t want to spread this to any family members so we will be staying in, enjoying each other’s company, and relaxing. My idea of relaxing is bouncing between different tasks that bring me joy, such as reading, watching Netflix/YouTube, journaling, and of course I always enjoy some cuddles with my love. I am excited for today, and honestly I am excited for this next chapter in my journey.

As I had stated before, I decided to take a social media detox this month, and I am very likely extending this into December. The reason I want to extend it is that I feel like I just now started realizing how much time I spend distracting myself from the life I want to be living. I had an appointment yesterday and I learned a harsh truth: I gained 10lbs in the last three months! Like what the fuck?! How did I do that? Of course this news upset me immediately, and I felt myself entering one of my shame cycles-but this time was different. I definitely felt overwhelmed by this information and I could tell because I started basically vomiting out this information to every person I spoke to (which I am now already laughing about so feel free to join in LOL). I found myself thinking about it alone in my car and I decided to try to switch my perspective and mindset towards this information, and I am so glad I did, because I have much more confidence in myself this time around when it comes to health journey!

I made the decision to look at this new information as a new test from the universe. I had been in this position before: years ago I had a weight-loss / ketogenic journey that resulted in me losing weight relatively quickly, but it was all fueled by shame and self-hatred. I had family, friends, and coworkers complimenting my progress as I continued to drop all the weight I had put on, but they had no idea what was truly going on. I was extremely strict with myself on this diet; I was counting my carbs daily to make sure I stayed under the 20 net carbs that was recommended to stay in ketosis, which meant I was going to lose weight/fat faster. I never let myself go past that 20 carbs, and if I did I felt like a failure and was very upset with myself. I felt like I was ruining all of my progress and took out all of this frustration on myself, sending myself into a self-loathing spiral. When I look back at this now, I don’t know how I thought that this was a healthy way of living. I mean, I couldn’t even eat an apple on this diet because that apple alone would take up my entire carb intake for the day! After a day of eating only proteins and fats, I would look in my app and realize that I only took in 600-700 calories for the entire day, but I just kept going because the weight was falling off and that was the goal I had. Once I reached my goal weight, I completely let go of the diet and it was back to old habits, and now here we are today.

That whole keto journey was a few years back, and since then I have not gone on any diets, however I do go through phases of intermittent fasting as I definitely feel an increase in energy, and I decrease in bloating- but again, I have not been consistent with that. My therapist and I have discussed my need for control and how diets/counting carbs is not a healthy thing for me to do, so I will not be doing that this time around. Instead of shaming myself into losing weight and being harsh and hateful toward myself along the way, I am looking at this as a new start and new opportunity to show myself how much I do love and care for myself. As the quote goes, my past doesn’t need me, but my future does. I know that I want children in the future, and as my friends and family like to tell me, I am going to be an “older mom,” (which I really don’t think 30-33 is “old” but whatever LOL), so if I want to be able to be active and keep up with them, I need to prioritize my health. I always say I want to be the mom who cooks healthy meals and has healthy snacks for my future family, so what better time to start practicing?

This journey already feels different because I am focus on the love I have for myself and my body. I am grateful that I can walk, that my heart beats and my lungs breathe all without me having to think about it. My body digests and knows which nutrients to hold on to, while also regenerating and replenishing cells all automatically while I just live my life. I can help my body by providing it with more fuel from proteins and vegetables, and also by decreasing the amount of sugar intake. As I can choose healthier foods, I know they will make me feel better physically and mentally. I also learned that a sedentary lifestyle leads to a lack of joy and also shorter life and more risk for injury, so as I prioritize walks on the treadmill and focus on my physical therapy stretches, I will increase my longevity and my overall happiness! As I continue to show up for my health, I will only increase the trust I have in myself.

In general, I would say I hold the belief that I don’t trust myself. I mean this in the sense that I seem to give up on myself and my goals too quickly, which always has me wondering why I don’t love myself? But when I actually sit and look back at my past, I have plenty of reasons to trust myself! I think throughout my life I spent so much time in shame and guilt that it became my default emotion, but if I continue to acknowledge and celebrate my growth and progress, that self-love mindset will become my default. When I met and fell in love with my boyfriend at the young age of sixteen, I knew that I wanted this person to be my life partner. I felt it within my bones and my soul that this relationship was worth prioritizing and this person was who I was meant to be with, so I trusted my gut. Here we are, 12 years later still growing together and loving each other every step of the way. We set goals to move into an apartment, and once we did that we made a goal to buy a home within the next two years, and we did it. We had people asking us “Why rush?” and “How old are you again?” but we trusted ourselves and have been in our beautiful townhome for over six years now. I told myself I’d finish my Associate’s Degree, and I did while we were in our apartment and I was working full-time. I told myself I’d start a blog, and I have been consistently posting in one for several years. I told myself I would be a published author, and this year I had two different poems of mine published! I literally always do what I set my mind to, and this mental/physical health journey is no different.

I have made noticeable progress in my mental health and self-love journey, and the most important thing I have learned along the way is that giving yourself grace and patience along the way is a must. When you make a mistake at work, how would you feel if your boss rubbed it in your face and told you how stupid you were for messing up? You’d likely feel shameful and embarrassed and likely wouldn’t even feel motivated or worthy of trying again. Now imagine if your boss took you aside and showed empathy, explaining that they have also made this mistake and it is not that big of a deal. You’d likely feel seen and encouraged, you may even feel more motivated to do better and find solutions. In life, you are your own boss! The way you treat yourself and speak to yourself directly impacts your performance. So, as my own boss, I have decided to promote myself to a level of life where I love and care about myself, and I live a life that reflects that. I am very excited for this next chapter, and although I may stumble along the way as normal humans do, I know that I will focus on the progress and continue to work towards my goals. I am forever grateful for this life I live. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Happy Thanksgiving. ♡

Twenty-Eight

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Today is my birthday, and I have made it 28 years around the sun. In the best way, I still feel very young. Sometimes I wonder how I am able to find balance between being a responsible adult and still enjoying the magic of the world as a child would, but then I think about how this seems like a natural state to me. I have always been highly sensitive, and I believe that allows me to experience those same levels of joy and excitement that young children do over seemingly “small” joys. Seeing cows or horses out of my window while driving still brings me the same level of happiness that it did when I was younger, and I even feel the same childlike joy that arises when I get an M&M Blizzard. Today I was excited to have a free drink from Starbucks and was able to treat myself to my newest guilty pleasure, and this honestly already made my whole day! Being present and aware of my happiness has been important for me, as I used to focus on my anxiety and despair, and I truly believe that mindset shift has changed my life for the better.

I had heard the saying “energy goes where focus flows,” and then after learning about the Reticular Activating System (RAS) in our brains, it made complete sense. Our RAS is a magical tool, as it works based on what we are feeding it. For example, when you are shopping around for a new car, typically you start seeing the car you’re interested in everywhere you go. Or when you are trying to conceive, you may feel like you are seeing pregnant women everywhere, but in reality there aren’t really more pregnant people, instead your RAS is just focused on that right now. When I was first struggling with my panic attacks and severe anxiety, all I could think about is how “horrible” my brain was and how “crazy” I was, and that was really all I could see. It didn’t matter when my boyfriend or my friends told me I wasn’t, I had told my mind that it was true, and now it was doing everything to focus on what made that true. Once I was able to recognize this (which was several years into my therapy/healing journey) my life changed for the better, and gratitude ended up being a huge help.

I recently listened to an episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast where she discussed the difference between being thankful and grateful. What I took away from this episode was that feeling gratitude is much more powerful than just being thankful, because in the gratitude you truly feel it. As I sit here at my kitchen table, I am thankful that I have a laptop to type this on and that I can afford my WordPress subscription, but it is not until I truly pause and focus on the true magic within these privileges that I have that I can step into gratitude. I also had a close friend tell me about what her therapist taught her, and she said that when practicing gratitude to think about events or specific memories where you felt overwhelmed with happiness so that you can easily step into that feeling. It is when we step into the joy and love that we get aligned with ourselves and we can access that magic in the world. Now when I see my signs such as repeating numbers or bunnies, I can feel the ping of joy in my heart, and I allow myself to feel grateful in those moments.

This year I plan to continue on this healing and self-love journey, as I can see the progress I have made. I know when I need to isolate and take time for myself, and I no longer feel guilty for it. I am better at speaking up when I am bothered, but I am also recognizing when it is not necessary to share an opinion. It all comes down to not only how I feel, but if it directly impacts me or my life. I am actively working on practicing non-judgement with myself, and this will inevitably spill out to the world around me. I deserve to feel happy, and I deserve to do what makes me feel good as long as it is not harmful to myself or my dreams. I honestly believe that everyone deserves to feel good, and although it may mean working through the traumas and toxic traits, I promise the end result is worth it. We deserve love and happiness in this lifetime, so I intend to seek it and be it. Cheers to 28 years!

Interdependent > Codependent

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I read a post this morning on Instagram by an author named Vex King, and I wanted to take a moment to reflect on it:

This post immediately made me think about codependency and what that looked like for me early on. I started dating my current boyfriend at age sixteen, and he was the first person that I ever dated seriously. At the time I was obviously still living with my parents, and since I was a moody teenager and my parents were functioning alcoholics, the environment was less than ideal. There would be nights of loud fights where cops were called and my boyfriend would drive over to pick me up, and he’d just drive around to different towns as I cried and vented about my life. He’d comfort me and listen to me, and I knew I had someone good in my life.

When I look back at that now, I can see how that attachment / codependency was forming, and it continued once we moved in together at 20 years old. I did rely on him to make me feel better, because I got used to him being there. I also know that younger me would not have handled any sort of break up well, as I definitely felt that I needed him in order to survive. I found myself mirroring his moods, and it felt detrimental whenever we had an argument or disagreement, because I was constantly worried about him being upset with me, because I thought that would lead to him leaving me.

I was very insecure and has low self-esteem for most of my life, even if I didn’t always present it that way. I always thought my boyfriend would find a girl who was “less anxious and crazy,” or “more fun to be around,” because I always felt like a burden. Don’t get me wrong, he would constantly reassure me and tell me: “you’re not as bad as you think you are.” That was something I couldn’t understand at the time, but I am forever grateful that he saw the real me inside, behind all of the built up emotions and anxiety.

With therapy and leaning into the self-healing work, I have been able to learn about myself and my brain in ways that has helped me make leaps and bounds when it comes to my self-worth. I no longer feel confused or frustrated with my thoughts, I feel like I finally understand them and why I am the way I am. I can see my strengths when it comes to perseverance and reliability, and I know that I can take care of myself, just as I did before even starting a relationship at sixteen.

Growing up with alcoholic parents does something to your brain. When the brain is developing, it is constantly learning how to adapt to the environment around you, and you learn habits that help you to survive in life. Unconsciously we develop our own habits and coping skills and when we aren’t aware/conscious of them, we take them with us into adulthood.

As a child, I was used to being quiet and trying to keep the peace, and just tried to stay under the radar- that was until puberty and hormones took over. Once I was a raging teenager, the big emotions and anger became a lot for me. What was confusing is that I’d see my parents have these explosive fights with one another, but then when I was angry or upset I was told I was “being dramatic,” or that I shouldn’t feel that way. I was shamed for having big emotions, yet my parents had them all the time!

When I was able to finally leave that environment, I thought all of my problems would disappear. I knew I’d be living with my best friend/life partner and I knew there wouldn’t be excessive drinking or insane fights. Although both of these things were true, my anxiety and mental health issues still came along for the ride. After months of struggling with my emotions and having pointless fits of rage, with the support of my boyfriend I finally decided to get help.

Although it wasn’t the easiest journey, I am forever grateful that I took matters into my own hands and did something for myself. This was the start of my healing, and I only recently have been able to see how far I’ve come. It’s important to take time to recognize and celebrate growth, and in taking time to reflect on this post, that is exactly what I’m doing.

I love life with my boyfriend, and now we live a very interdependent life. We can rely on each other for support and we enjoy helping one another. We no longer live a life where I am just leaning on him and expecting him to solve all of my problems. I know that I am responsible for my own problems and emotions, and he is not required to fix anything. And even though the plan is forever, I at least know that if something ever were to change, I’d survive on my own.

I find it is important in a partnership to truly listen to each others wants/needs, and be respectful, yet honest about what you can do for them. So many people struggle with mental health, and often times will rely on a partner to fix their problems, when they may also have unresolved issues of their own. There is no shame in seeking professional help, especially if it is to benefit your life and your relationship.

I am glad that I had the courage and support to start my healing journey, and I am proud of how I show up in my relationships today. Whether it’s with my boyfriend or with my friends, or even the relationship I have with myself, I remind myself that we are connected, but not attached. Even as great as I feel now, I am not attached to this version of myself, because I know I am an ever-evolving creature who will continue to learn and grow.

Hello June ♡

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May June bring nothing but good news and abundance to all who are ready to receive.

May June open your eyes and your heart to the beauty in the simple moments.

May June shower you with love and blessings, and may you be present in those moments.

May June give you the opportunities that you’ve been dreaming about, and may you be confident enough to take the leaps you need to.

May June grant your wishes and restore your faith in the magic of the world around you.

May June be everything you’ve been needing this entire year, and may it set the tone for the rest of the year.

May June July. 😂 LOL okay, I’m sorry but I literally had to!

On a serious note though, I truly hope June is nothing but good to you. ♡

It’s the way…

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It’s the way I’ve changed the inner narrative. I’m not stupid, nor have I ever been. I am growing and learning, just as every human is. Instead of being hard on myself, I learn to give myself patience and understanding.

It’s the way I practice gratitude. I’ve never been ungrateful, but I often was not present, therefore I was not as appreciative. Taking time to acknowledge what is good in my life is grounding and brings me back to the present moment.

It’s the way I am becoming more patient. All happens as it should and it it’s own timing, therefore stressing about outcomes and time is pointless. I do my best to let it go and focus on good that’s here now.

It’s the way I am better at communicating. I am learning how to speak up when I am uncomfortable or upset, and also still listen to whoever it is I am speaking with. I deserve inner peace, and I no longer have room for resentment.

It’s the way I take time to prioritize myself. I give myself time to recharge and spend time relaxing, rather than packing my schedule. I understand how rest is a necessity and depriving myself from it is not healthy, nor is it something to celebrate.

It’s the way that I have stepped out of my comfort zone. Joining a writing community, being on my first podcast, speaking on a virtual mental health panel… I am really taking steps towards my dreams, and I love that for me.

It’s the way I am choosing to celebrate myself and acknowledge my growth. I am proud of the work I have put in and continue to put in, and I am excited to see the progress I’ve made.

It’s the way that I still get lost scrolling through Instagram and have days where I feel overwhelmed. I still get defensive and struggle to communicate at times. It’s the way that I still have things I need to work on, but I am giving myself permission to take it one day at a time, and I am loving myself along the way. ♡

Proud of Me

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I wanted to take a second to pat myself on the back. I spoke up about something that was bothering me at work and felt a huge relief once it was done. I don’t want to go too much into detail as there’s definitely elements that I am still irritated with, however I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I feel like this was a big step forward in my healing and me recognizing when enough is enough and listening to my body/intuition.

After been super stressed over the past week, I was happy I had some time this weekend to spend with friends, but also with myself. This morning I was up pretty early and I decided to get caught up on the free “Take Control” training that Mel Robbins released a couple weeks ago. I finished the training and felt energized and better than I had felt all week. I even decided to use my extra time alone to do a little dumbbell arm workout and a meditation! It’s nice to remind myself how good it feels to take care of me.

As we stroll into May, I want to prioritize seeking joy in every day life, and also being true to myself. I am finally feeling like I can be more vocal, especially since I know what my intentions are. I do myself a disservice by not speaking up when I feel disrespected or uncomfortable, and I don’t deserve that anymore. Reflecting on the amount of relief I felt when I finally talked to my boss last week, it made me realize it never had to go on this long. Instead of beating myself up for that, I am just going to remember that going forward. I don’t deserve to suffer in order to keep others comfortable, my job is to keep myself safe.

Gratitude

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I’m currently laying in bed with a heating pad under my neck/shoulder because I stressed myself back into pain. I’ve been aggravated as hell all week and I know gratitude usually helps me a bit so here’s my list today:

I am grateful that I woke up in a warm comfy bed next to the love of my life.

I am grateful to have a job that allows me to pay my bills and still enjoy my life.

I am grateful for friends who love me for me and are encouraging and supportive of my dreams.

I am grateful for my boyfriend who respects me and makes me feel so very loved.

I am grateful for our cats who are healthy and who loves us dearly.

I am grateful for our home; I love having a place to call home that is calm and has everything we could ever need.

I am grateful for podcasts and books as they assist me in my healing journey.

I am grateful for my therapist and the fact that I can afford therapy with my current insurance.

I am grateful that it’s Friday and I have a fun weekend ahead of me.

What are you grateful for today?

Enjoying Each Season

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On holidays sometimes I find myself thinking about the future; I think about my boyfriend being my husband, and us having children who see the world as a magical place. I think about the traditions we will have and how I intend for my children to look forward to seeing family and celebrating together. As much as I am excited for those days, I still am very grateful for this slow season in life.

Right now I get to live my life; In any moment I can decide to leave the house to go shopping, or grab coffee, and it’s easy. I can book dinner dates with friends without a second thought, hell I can even book trips as long as the bills are paid! I don’t want to focus so much on what I have to look forward to, and miss out on these moments that I will crave one day.

My boyfriend and I got to enjoy a nice breakfast out this morning, and now he is enjoying a nap as I write this. I am listening to some music, watching the cats sunbathe by the sliding glass door, and just enjoying this day and this present moment. I am so grateful to live this life, and I feel blessed to have gotten to a place where I feel comfort in the peace.

In the past when I had free-time, or any moments of boredom, I would feel anxious. I would feel like I needed to get up and start doing chores or leave the house and just make sure I wasn’t just sitting around. Now I can look at these moments and embrace them. I no longer feel the need to run around and get things done, instead I understand that rest and spending time with myself is where a lot of the healing comes from, and it is necessary.

When I find time alone, I have been trying to scroll less, and instead actually take time to do something that brings me joy. I’m not going to lie, sometimes jamming to music and cleaning does feel quite invigorating, but I have found other ways to spend my time as well. One example is the writing I am doing right now! I enjoy getting in touch with my thoughts and getting them out, as well as remembering the progress I’ve made and celebrating myself.

As it gets warmer out, I am excited to get back outside and doing my regular walks, which I am going to go on one here soon. I usually will listen to a podcast of some sort, but this year I also want to take walks where I am just listening to the sounds around me. I know that can be very grounding and honestly I am sure that is somewhat of a meditative experience as well- guess I will have to find out!

Either way, I am enjoying this period of my life. I always feel that it is important to realize how blessed we truly are, and I love taking time for gratitude, because I truly am living a great life. I get to wake up to the love of my life every day in a warm bed, hearing the sounds of loud cat meows and the pitter patter of their paws. Truly, I am living the life I once dreamed about, and as much as I am excited for our future endeavors of marriage and parenting, I am incredibly grateful for the life we have today. I enjoy the times we can just lay in bed and cuddle, I enjoy our breakfast dates, I enjoy when we get to travel together, and I enjoy living each moment. Thank you.

Sunday-Tarot Pull

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Happy Sunday! I want to start off by saying that this past week I have felt kind of “off.” I haven’t felt as positive or easy-going as I have been wanting to feel; instead I have been tired, emotional, and it’s definitely been easier to spiral into self-doubt and negative self-talk than it has been to focus on the good. I still am working on re-wiring my brain, and I know that I need to take time to rest and just let myself be in peace, and maybe that is just what I am meant to do at this time.

Today I am doing a mind, body, soul tarot card pull for myself from the Black Cats Tarot deck that a good friend got me for my birthday last year, and I thought I’d pull them and write about them here today. I have my cards pulled so let’s get started:

Mind- The Fool-The White cat represents freedom and purity, manifesting no fear in its gait: he always walks ahead serenely without every glancing back. No link and no attachment can stop it. He knows that the most profound wisdom means remaining humble before the mystery of Creation.

My Interpretation: Although I have these attachments to my old ways of thinking, or links of the past voices telling me I was stupid, or fat, or not good enough…I know that none of that will impact how beautiful my future will be. I also read the “remaining humble before the mystery of Creation,” as me doing what I am doing now, by being open and vulnerable about my mental health and showing everyone that it is not always positive rainbows and sunshine, and you have to feel to heal. It is human nature to have emotions and to have ups and downs, I am embracing the waves, rather than fighting them.

Body- Three of Wands: Ascent– This card represents a constructive path. Working to attain one’s own objectives. Ambition and talent collaborate harmoniously.

My Interpretation: It makes complete sense for my body/health; I am working on listening to my body and seeing what works best for me when it comes to mindful eating and exercise. I have found myself comparing myself to friends recently, some losing weight, some gaining muscle, and I had to take a step back and realize that I was working against myself in those moments. My goal is to listen to myself and my body and do what feels good to me, not doing what I see other people doing.

Soul- Two of Wands: Discussion- This card represents our inner and outer conflicts. There is never progress without a struggle. It is necessary to act, trying to take into consideration the various aspects of a problem.

My Interpretation: This came full circle for me, and I love love looovvee that it is my “soul” card. It is normal to struggle, and I need to take this time to do just that. Let me sit and heal the inner conflicts, and that will help me with the outside ones. Progress comes from hard work and sometimes taking a step back and inwards is the hardest work to do.

2•12•23 Tarot Pull

Low

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I believe my last post had to do with my back pain, and I am happy to say that I have had much improvement over the week, but I do still have some pain. I went to my chiropractor and got some new x-rays done, and basically I am making progress which is kind of causing the pain. My hips are off-center because of the 10-degree curve in my spine, and as we are making progress on the curve, my hips are realigning. The way he explained it is that the joint in my hip doesn’t want to continue making progress and it is fighting back, but as we continue with adjustments and my therapies that it will continue to get better.

I am excited to get back in the gym and get back to being active, as I’ve been laying pretty low since having this pain. I have been stretching and still running errands and what not as I want to stay moving, but I can’t wait to be back to 100%! I have a feeling I’ll be feeling that way by the end of this week, considering I’ll be seeing my chiropractor Mon-Wed!

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a little rough for me not to start getting down on myself or anxious. I hate “falling behind” on house chores and I was also super motivated for this new year and to feel like I’ve been spending most of it in pain makes me upset. I have to make sure I take time to remember all of the beautiful things that have already happened this year.

For example, I got to make vision boards with my best friend! We are going to make this a yearly tradition to make vision boards for the new year, and I am so happy with how mine turned out! I also got to hang out with my childhood bff, and just laughing and chilling with her felt healing in and of itself. We’re excited to hang out more this year, and overall I am very excited for this year ahead.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I went to Portillo’s, which was such a yummy treat. I literally was craving their cheese fries for three days leading up to that lunch date, so to say I was excited was an understatement. After that we traveled out to the Dick’s Warehouse Sale, and after sifting through some very interesting products, we each found a pair of shoes we liked! Once we were home I went to hang out with a friend of mine, and just enjoyed a pretty chill night.

This year hasn’t been bad, I am just learning to live slower and more mindfully. I also feel that this pain has taught me that I need to keep moving and take care of myself, which is something I’ve been saying for a long time, but haven’t been doing. I deserve to be healthy and enjoy life, and I am the only one who can give myself that. As I continue to heal, I will remember to keep tuning into gratitude and being present. Happy Sunday!

2023 vision board