mental health

Refreshed

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I had an amazing weekend with one of my best friends from high school! I went up in northern WI to visit her and she lives five minutes from the lake, so we had quite a fun-filled adventure of a weekend!

The Wisconsin State Fair was in town which was absolute perfect timing, as they announced the dates after we had already planned this weekend. So our weekend was full of concerts and fair rides, as well as funnel cakes and cheese curds! We also went out on her boyfriend’s boat and jet ski which was honestly the most fun thing I’ve done in quite a while!

We also went hiking and to the zoo in her town, and she made a nice crab dinner which was heavenly. We went to the beach, we went to the bars… it was just a total blast! I got home last night and was so happy to be able to snuggle with my boyfriend (I missed him like crazy even though we were having fun)!

Today my boyfriend had to go back into the office after over a year of working from home. I had the day off as I feel you always need a day after vacation to catch back up on life and recharge. I did laundry, grocery shopped, made a sh*t-ton of bacon (LOL), and also finished up making gifts for my friend for her wedding that I’m in this upcoming weekend! Oh, I also learned a tik-tok dance (cringe, I know), but to be honest, it was fun!

This month is super busy for me, and normally I’d be overwhelmed but I have been feeling relatively good lately! I’m planning to keep this mindset as the days go by! I hope everyone is having a good Monday!

July

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July is my favorite month. It is my birthday month which may have a little to do with it, but overall I just love being in the sun! This year I am busy every weekend; I’m visiting family and friends in far(ish) places, I’m in a wedding in a couple of weeks, and then I get to celebrate my 26th birthday at the end of the month!

I always feel more motivated in the summer, and I need to use this fuel to create discipline and habits. I keep reading about how people wait for motivation to do things, and how terrible it is to do that because us humans are not always motivated; we have to be disciplined.

We’re not always going to be motivated to go to the gym or eat healthy, but we know it’s what is good for our physical and mental health. I’m not saying never have a cookie or a bowl of mac & cheese, but be mindful about the decisions and make a better choice for the next meal, or work out for an extra 30 minutes.

I’ve been doing arm workouts at home every other day, and I’ve been going to the gym a bit more frequently. With it being so nice out I’ve been at the pool a few times already this summer, and I’ve been going on more walks which is also great for my mental (and physical) health. I would like to be disciplined in good habits before I get married and pregnant, so I’m trying to keep that in mind.

Anyways, July is going to be a great month! Manifest it and finesse it!

What to do

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I have this itch to start doing something new, like youtube or streaming. My boyfriend and I have talked about doing a podcast type thing together or a reaction video channel, but I think I have a fear of both failure and even success. It would suck to put a bunch of time and effort into something for it to flop or not be fun, but it would also be insane if it took off for some reason and then you have to keep up with that.

I’ve always wanted to do things to help people deal with their mental health, but I also feel like I am not in a position to help people when I’m still learning how to help myself. Humor and making people laugh can also help those give a relief of pain for a while, so maybe we should just start with reaction videos.

Another thing is I’ve always enjoyed singing, but not many people have heard me sing. I have thought about singing and posting that too, but also I’m hesitant. A part of me wants to re-download tik tok because simple one minute or less videos sounds much easier and quicker, but I also feel like I will waste a bunch of time scrolling.

I don’t know I just feel motivated, but also not because I’m clearly not focused and don’t know exactly what I want to do. I just need to do something!

Father’s day

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Father’s day has never been my favorite. I never feel like I can say that since I know there are people out there who have lost their dads, and I also know there are people who are close with their dads who are still here. My dad and I have an improved relationship now that I have been out of the house for about six years now, but it’s still not my favorite.

I do love my dad, but I cannot say that I really like him entirely. I’d like to say I have forgiven him for what he’s done in the past, but that’s probably a lie and I definitely haven’t forgotten. I don’t sit and dwell on the past anymore like I used to, but I also won’t pretend that my dad was a great parent.

Apparently in my younger years he was very involved and happy to be around me, but once I turned seven everything changed. My dad’s cousin brought us a computer for my seventh birthday, and although it was for me, my dad said it was for him. I was able to use the computer sometimes, but for the most part my dad got lost in music and MySpace. When he’d get home from work, he’d go right to the computer and stay there for the remainder of the evening.

Another thing that happened was my grandpa (mom’s dad) died when I was seven. This sent my mom spiraling into alcoholism which my dad willingly followed her. My parents drank every single night, and although this was to “help my mom sleep,” instead it left me with restless nights of listening to their drunken rages against each other. The weekends were always worse because the drinking started earlier.

I’m now twenty-five, and they still drink every night. Luckily I moved out at 19, and it took time to stop the obsessive worrying about if my mom was okay or not, but now I know it is not my problem and there is nothing I can do about it. People will only change if they want to. Not once have they tried to get sober, and I hope they realize that this will have quite an effect on them once I decide to have children, because I cannot trust them to watch my child with their alcohol addiction.

Recently during a phone conversation, my mom tried to tell me that my dad “was nice for the most part,” to which I simply told her that was not true. I reminded her of the time where during an argument my dad screamed at me and said “who pays for the health insurance that you’re about to need if you don’t shut the f*ck up.” Of course she didn’t remember this (as they both are always drunk) and started apologizing. The intention was not to guilt trip, I was simply stating a fact.

Just because I have grown up and done well with my life, doesn’t mean that we can just pretend the traumatic shit that happened didn’t happen. Yes, I have moved on and the relationships have been civil, however that does not erase history. I don’t really prefer to talk about what happened with my parents, because my dad lives in denial and my mom lives in guilt; it’s not worth having a conversation over.

Despite everything I have been through, I did see my dad for father’s day, and I also gave him a gift that I made him which he appreciated. I do wish that he would do some self-reflection and realize what he did and how he needs to change, but at the same time it’s not my problem.

Monday Motivation

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I’m happy to be writing this today in a much better state of mind than I was in the last post. I am taking my duloxetine prescription every other day right now, and I added in daily B6, B12 and Magnesium supplements that were recommended by my therapist. I’m planning to go on a walk after this post and soak up the sun and just pay attention to the beautiful world around me. My therapist recommended that I work my stresses/anger out with meditation and working out, which is something I have been meaning to start doing but haven’t actually done.

In a way, I think me coming off my medication and realizing how NOT okay I am has been a great thing! I thought I was making so much progress, and although it was a hard pill to swallow when I realized that I hadn’t, it is better to know now so I can do the work that is needed. I may add another therapist into the mix, as my current therapist is extremely busy, but I also am thinking about seeing someone who is more holistic in practice. It can be nice to get different viewpoints and advice, and I also know I don’t want to be on any more medications so if I can avoid that I will.

I am also looking at self-help books and podcasts, as I feel like the more I immerse myself in healing and learning about how to deal with anxiety, the better I can help myself. Us humans have been living in a social media world for decades at this point; we constantly are scrolling and absorbing post after post, switching from angry to sad to happy and I am sure this has some effects on mental health. I downloaded all of my data and deactivated my Facebook last week, and I am proud of myself for cutting that off as it truly was an addiction. I already have noticed a positive difference in how I feel and how I use my time.

I keep saying I am going to write more, and I will. This is going to help me with my healing and will keep me focused on the goal. If I find myself scrolling, I will work on redirecting myself to writing, reading, meditating, or getting some exercise. All I want is to be able to truly love myself, and in order to do so I have to actively practice self-love. I know I am not perfect, and I will not do this all the time, but as along as I remind myself how important this is and keep coming back to it, I will make progress.

Fcking rough

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Well, I apparently cannot handle being off my meds completely. Today after multiple breakdowns, crying uncontrollably, having sudden waves of anger followed by hateful thoughts toward myself, I took my anxiety pill. Honestly it makes me upset, because this means I am NOT ready to come off of it and clearly I haven’t been working on myself enough.

It’s hard for me to not be angry with myself and my brain, but I keep trying to remind myself that it is an imbalance and I am only human. I know I can’t be okay all the time, but I definitely cannot be off of this medication full time yet. I haven’t felt these feelings in so long- just complete rage toward myself for not being strong and not knowing myself enough.

I am so lucky to have a wonderful man in my life who is accepting of me always, but also is very honest with me (which I need). He has been my rock through it all, and even when I’m feeling so terribly about myself, he reminds me that I am deserving of love. Everything today, every emotion, has felt completely earth-shattering even though literally nothing happened.

I have since calmed down, and after talking with my boyfriend we decided I should take the medication every other day as I was when I was weaning off. Hopefully this way, I can still have these emotions that I haven’t had in a while so it’s easier to tell the therapist where I am struggling and what I need to work on. I am not defeated, I obviously have survived a lot so I can get through this too, it just feels like a huge step back for some reason.

Feels like Summer

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It could be the warm weather and the sun, but I’ve been feeling great this weekend! Of course I still have some irritability with the PMS and lack of anxiety medication, but overall I’ve been feeling pretty motivated!

I deactivated my Facebook since I waste too much time on there, and I want to focus more on writing, reading and crafting! I kept my other socials for now, but I think twitter might be next to go. I will keep instagram as I can use that for marketing my Etsy shop and posting my creations!

Yesterday my boyfriend and I spent most of the day together and then in the afternoon we had his brother over and a couple of friends. We ended up just playing bags and hanging out, it was actually a nice time!

Today my friend came over with her sister and her son and we went swimming across the street from my house. It was a great day to swim, and we all had a nice time catching up on our tans (or sunburns… LOL)! They left a while ago and I decided to go on a walk and I actually found a $10 bill! I’m taking that as a sign that things are heading in the right direction.

I have to work tomorrow, but luckily I make my own hours on Monday so I can really do whatever I want! I just need to get patient insurances for the rest of the week and enter some insurance checks that come in! I am feeling like there is a good week ahead of me!

Never a day off

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Happy Monday! Today I am off of work, but I feel like I have already done so much today. In reality all I did was grocery shop and make a couple phone calls, but it feels productive! I had a busy weekend celebrating my pregnant friends- one gender reveal (it’s a boy!), and one baby shower (her baby girl is due on my birthday)! I also worked on Saturday so I have really just been moving around all weekend!

Today I have a list of tasks, and luckily I am just about finished. Other than going to the grocery store, I made an eye doctor appointment so I can get my contacts and glasses updated before I fall off my parents’ insurance. I reached out to Feldco to get some questions answered in regards to our window financing; we had all 12 windows in the house replaced on Wednesday! I also had to reach out to my current 401k holder and discuss doing a rollover from a previous employer (which I’ve never done before so that was a learning experience)! Luckily I already snuck some laundry in over the weekend between all of the celebrations.

I love when I feel this motivated and on top of getting things done. Granted I am a little stressed as I feel like there is a lot going on, but when isn’t there? As long as I am aware of everything going on and keep it organized in my calendar and work on a little bit at a time, everything will be fine. Since I was able to get a lot done, I told a friend I could help her with some stuff she has to do for her bridal shower next weekend (I know, it never ends! LOL). I am planning to take a walk once I am done with this post as it is a hot, sunny day and I always feel great after soaking up some sunlight.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Monday!

Mind Over Matter

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“Mind over matter.” That expression is something that my mother always says to me; whether I’m feeling sick or I’m overwhelmed with work, she always reminds me of this saying.

I used to get so mad as a kid when I was feeling sick and she would say this to me, because I really just felt like “if I could make myself feel better, then I wouldn’t be sick.” Growing up I am learning that I can control how I respond and react to situations; even in those instances where I feel ill, if I focus more on what’s going on around me, usually I can “lessen” those symptoms.

For now, my focus is to learn how to be at peace. I’m learning to let go of other people’s issues, and even better, not to take them on in the first place. Of course I will always have empathy and sympathy for my friends and family, but I will not allow it to consume me.

Your mind is such a powerful tool, and although we use it daily, there are small things we can do to truly change our way of thinking. Focusing on being grateful and positive, and remembering how blessed we truly are will only benefit us in the long run.

It’s so easy to sit and get down on ourselves, but instead of feeding our minds with negative thoughts and self-doubt, we should encourage ourselves like we do our friends. I never tell my friends that they’re stupid or failing, because that’s rude and hurtful and also untrue- yet I’ll sit and tell myself that over and over again in my head all day. But what does that do for me? Nothing good.

Pushing through

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I know I haven’t been on here, and it has been upsetting me that I missed a couple Sunday’s and barely wrote two sentences in my last post. I have things to talk about, but also don’t always want everything to be written out or posted somewhere, even though this is my place to be the most open and personal.

A couple weekends ago I had a breakdown, but it was also a breakthrough. It has made me motivated to work on certain issues from my childhood I have been avoiding, but also it has been overwhelming. I have issues with feeling guilty, and I have control issues and these things are causing a lot of my anxieties and I have to get to the root of those feelings in order to deal with them.

I often complain about “arguing with myself in my brain,” but I’m basically arguing with my childhood brain-the brain that endured emotional abuse. I am arguing with voices that my traumatized brain held onto, if that makes any sense. As a child and into my teenage years, I was made to feel guilty or stupid for anything I did, even though I was a goody-two-shoes of a child and literally didn’t do anything wrong.

I constantly felt like I wasn’t trusted, even though I never did anything that was untrustworthy. When I look back, I really wonder why I didn’t rebel because I was already treated like I was breaking rules and being a bad kid. It’s probably because the chaos was already bad enough, and I didn’t want to find out if it could get worse. I often tried to stay out of my house, whether it was being outside with friends as a child, to getting multiple jobs as a teenager so I could escape.

When triggers come up, my anxiety heightens and I tend to turn into an asshole. I become so irritable and short-tempered, and I also start letting my fears of the unknown take over. I had some anxiety yesterday before work and instead of the nausea and throwing up, I was feeling like I was going to hyperventilate and I started crying. I had this overwhelming sense that something was wrong, but nothing was.

I am going to continue to write on here, as I feel this is helpful for me and I want to be consistent with my blog. I also feel that typing on my laptop is easier, and maybe I will make this a habit again instead of doing it on my phone. Thank you to all who read this.