Pushing through

I know I haven’t been on here, and it has been upsetting me that I missed a couple Sunday’s and barely wrote two sentences in my last post. I have things to talk about, but also don’t always want everything to be written out or posted somewhere, even though this is my place to be the most open and personal.

A couple weekends ago I had a breakdown, but it was also a breakthrough. It has made me motivated to work on certain issues from my childhood I have been avoiding, but also it has been overwhelming. I have issues with feeling guilty, and I have control issues and these things are causing a lot of my anxieties and I have to get to the root of those feelings in order to deal with them.

I often complain about “arguing with myself in my brain,” but I’m basically arguing with my childhood brain-the brain that endured emotional abuse. I am arguing with voices that my traumatized brain held onto, if that makes any sense. As a child and into my teenage years, I was made to feel guilty or stupid for anything I did, even though I was a goody-two-shoes of a child and literally didn’t do anything wrong.

I constantly felt like I wasn’t trusted, even though I never did anything that was untrustworthy. When I look back, I really wonder why I didn’t rebel because I was already treated like I was breaking rules and being a bad kid. It’s probably because the chaos was already bad enough, and I didn’t want to find out if it could get worse. I often tried to stay out of my house, whether it was being outside with friends as a child, to getting multiple jobs as a teenager so I could escape.

When triggers come up, my anxiety heightens and I tend to turn into an asshole. I become so irritable and short-tempered, and I also start letting my fears of the unknown take over. I had some anxiety yesterday before work and instead of the nausea and throwing up, I was feeling like I was going to hyperventilate and I started crying. I had this overwhelming sense that something was wrong, but nothing was.

I am going to continue to write on here, as I feel this is helpful for me and I want to be consistent with my blog. I also feel that typing on my laptop is easier, and maybe I will make this a habit again instead of doing it on my phone. Thank you to all who read this.

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