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Stuck inside

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Well, so much for this being my time to travel! Being inside isn’t exactly my favorite thing, but I’ve been trying to be productive! This morning I did a workout downstairs in my woman cave, and I did a load of towels and have just been slowing organizing the house. I mean if I’m here and have nothing else to do, I might as well clean up and be productive!

I am happy to see that there are still people being positive during these times, because I feel like we need that more than ever. One of my friends decided to pick up some rocks and bricks around her neighborhood and paint them and then put them back out around the community! It’s something small, but it could make someone’s day who’s just on a walk.

Another great thing is that one of my good friends who has been struggling to get pregnant just announced that her and her husband are having a baby in October! I am so happy for them; they’re just such great people and I just know they will be amazing parents. They deserve the absolute best, and amongst all the shit that’s going on the in world, they are defying odds and making miracles happen.

Feel free to share any good news stories or something you’re proud of. Let’s remember that we are all in this together and there’s no point in being negative and upset when we have no control over what is happening.

Weird World

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I feel like we’re in an endless episode of black mirror; it feels like we’re in some alternate universe. The stores are more empty than ever before, there’s barely any traffic, and it’s eerily quiet outside. I have so many thoughts but I seem to focus on any of them for more than a few minutes.

Our state just issued a shelter in place that starts at 5pm today. We can still go to grocery stores, work, pharmacies, and gas stations- but other than that many places are closed and we are all to stay inside to prevent the spread of coronavirus. I understand that we don’t want this to spread, and many people are dying from this in other countries, it just really feels like there’s more going on than just the virus.

My dad was always into conspiracy theories, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think he may have passed some of that onto me. No, I’m not crazy and I understand that conspiracies aren’t always reality, but sometimes you can’t help but question certain things. I think that there’s something much bigger going on than this virus, and this just happens to be a great way to instill fear in people so we are more willing to give up rights; but I digress.

I decided to work on my woman cave yesterday. I might as well have a space that I love to be in if we have to quarantine for weeks! It honestly will be nice to spend time with my boyfriend and the cats; I feel like it’s good for humanity to take a step back and remember what is truly important in life. I don’t want to just sulk around when all of this is happening- I feel it is important to stay positive and keep looking at the bright side.

Reflections

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We’re driving back from the Dells right now; everyone’s tired and ready for a shower at this point. We honestly had a blast yesterday/last night and I’m surprised that I’m not hungover right now. I probably drank more than I ever have before, and I even was mixing alcohol which is normally a huge no, but apparently 24-year-old me can handle more than 22-year-old me somehow!

Letting loose was fun, especially since I feel like I’m always uptight and anxious lately. Being able to just forget about work and reality for a day always feels like a good reset… especially after a shitty week. On Friday there was so much chaos in the office that I missed our pilates lesson, which of course didn’t help my shitty mood, but luckily I got to see my therapist after work.

I feel like our session was productive, but I’m also a bit frustrated because now I need to go back to my doctor (and I literally just saw one on Wednesday because I have a sinus infection) and start coming off of my current anxiety medication and start a new one. I know it’s the best thing for me right now, I’m just not very patient. I would rather just stop cold turkey and start a new one, but obviously that’s not a great choice and it would most likely make things worse.

We talked about how a lot of my anxiety comes from work and we talked about the work environment and I’m honestly a little worried that this may not be my forever job. I am not giving up, and I don’t plan to leave anytime soon, but I have to think long term and how things are going to go down the line and if there are things that I’m always uncomfortable with that are out of my control, then it may be time to look elsewhere. My therapist said that she had recently read about how sometimes our bodies/selves just cannot adapt to a certain environment. For me, I feel like if I can’t adapt then I have failed, but I also know that’s not the case.

I keep getting aggravated with myself because I don’t understand why I am so hard on myself and why I overthink everything all the time. Well, I guess I kind of do understand why I’m this way just based on my childhood and what my therapist and I have discussed, but I wish I had more control. It sounds stupid, but I don’t feel like I have control over my brain/thoughts most of the time. If I did, I wouldn’t be wasting most of my life worrying about work or death or being late to something or any other thing that takes away from my peace or happiness.

I need to find my peace and learn how to live there. I feel that I’ve just made my boyfriend my “peace” and I need to find peace in myself. I have no issue being alone, and I consider myself to be pretty independent, but I’m also very tense and chaotic all the time that finding any calmness within me seems impossible. I know working out and yoga is good for me and will likely help me when it comes to finding my inner peace, but lately I feel too exhausted to do anything and I choose sleep over most things.

Once it gets warmer, which it should soon, I’ll be able to get outside more and that always makes me feel better. Whether it’s a walk through the park or hiking trails or just going to the neighborhood pool, being outdoors always gives me some sense of inner peace. I’m sure it’s because when I was a child, being outside was my escape from the chaos inside our home. I was always outside with my friends/neighbors climbing trees or riding bikes; life was always better outside.

Itching to travel / Home sick

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I have to get out of this state soon. I need a vacation, I need a beach and sunshine… I just need it. I wish I could afford to go visit my boyfriend in the Philippines on his work trip, but unfortunately that’s not happening. However, I am thinking about going to LA and/or Vegas for a couple days in April. I wish I could just travel all the time and get paid for it, because I always feel at my happiest when I’m traveling somewhere new.

One nice thing is that one of my friends invited me to go to the Dells next weekend, so that’s kind of like a mini vacation! I honestly love water parks and I always have a blast at the dells! Then St. Patty’s day is right around the corner so I’ll have to make some plans for that!

One of my coworkers just left to Punta Cana for a week and I’m so jealous but also so excited for her! She is such a hard worker and deserves a break, and I know this trip will be refreshing for her. Going on vacation always leaves me feeling fresh and happy, and I can only imagine how she will be feeling after this trip.

^ Well, I was writing this yesterday and ended up getting distracted and went to sleep. I feel like this often happens and I can’t help but get frustrated with myself because I feel like I failed by not posting on Sunday, but I guess it’s not the end of the world.

Today I am home sick. And no, I’m not out and about traveling the world, missing my home… instead I am at home in bed coughing my brains out. I’m very tired and this cough is both aggressive and annoying. I am worried that stuff won’t be done at work, but I also need to rest and get better for my long day tomorrow. With that being said, I am going to abruptly end this weird blog post that I don’t like very much.

I don’t like my brain sometimes.

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I don’t like my brain sometimes… well, it seems often lately. I have racing thoughts a lot as of recent and no matter how much I try to push away the negative ones, they keep coming back. It’s mainly work stress/anxiety, but I want to be able to keep work at work and not let it mess with my head. The problem is I’m very overwhelmed as I’m doing the job of at least 2-3 people, but I also have extremely high expectations of myself and am struggling with the fact that I am so stressed.

I’ve made a couple mistakes at work- nothing detrimental but still, mistakes. When I mess up, it takes me such a long time to forgive myself and get over it, even though I am a human being who is bound to make errors. Literally everyone I work with (including my boss) tell me how great I’m doing, but no matter how many times I hear it my self-doubt always seems to creep back into my mind and I let it take over.

Today, I told my boss that I had recently increased my anxiety meds (because we were talking about flu symptoms and nausea and I think my increased dose is making me nauseous), and she asked me why I was feeling anxious. I was honest and told her that I’m way harder on myself than anyone is ever with me and I keep worrying that I’m not doing a good job. She was sympathetic and also reassured me that I’m not as terrible as I think I am because she told me that I am doing an excellent job.

I’ve always been a people pleaser, but even with the external reassurance and praise I am not pleased with myself. I don’t understand why it’s so easy for me to forgive people when they make a mistake, but when I make one I can’t help but constantly obsess over it. Luckily I will be seeing my therapist in a couple weeks (thanks to the connection I have with the scheduler there- otherwise my next appointment wasn’t until April). I also have ink therapy this weekend which is always a nice treat after a stressful week. ♡

Busy

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I’ve been staying busy on the weekends, which has its pros and cons. I love seeing my friends and making new memories, but I am usually missing my boyfriend and feeling guilty for being away knowing that he’s going to be gone for basically a month. I know he isn’t bothered by me having plans with other people- I mean he also has other plans and enjoys playing video games without his girlfriend breathing down his neck (LOL)!

Today we both got a good workout in and we ended up going out to lunch and donating a bunch of clothes. I love doing productive things over the weekend; I always feel like I’m successfully adulting when I’m able to declutter and take care of things around the house. Tomorrow he is off of work and I should hopefully be off early(ish) so we’re going to hang up the new curtains that we bought! When we moved in, we said that we wanted to get rid of the blinds and get curtains… literally three years later and we are just now putting up curtains. Better late than never, right?

I need to sign up for another yoga class. I told myself that I would go once a month and we’re already over halfway done with February! I feel like this year is already flying by and it’s honestly stressing me out. I wanted the office that I work for to be in a better place at this point, but I have to remember that I’m just one person and I’m doing the best that I can. I work hard, I do well, and I am only human.

I’m ready for a good week this week- I have a feeling tomorrow will be a good day. Maybe it’s because my boyfriend and I are putting curtains up after work, but regardless of the reason I want to try to keep up the positive mindset and carry it through this week! ♡

Ups and Downs.

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Today the sun was finally shining which was much needed. I had lunch plans with one of my friends today so I decided I would get up and go to the gym before I showered and did my makeup. I went to the gym yesterday too, and both days I just did a 30 minute treadmill workout (speed of 3, incline of 12). I’m not gonna lie, my inner thighs are feeling it today.

This past Friday I saw my therapist again, and we came to the conclusion that it may be a good idea to increase my medication and/or add in a new one. She also mentioned that although she sees a lot of obvious anxiety in me, she has a small inkling that I may have hypomania. Immediately after our session I went to make an appointment with my PCP since they’re in the same building, and she happened to have a 9am on Saturday. So yesterday we decided to increase my dose another 20mg.

It’s probably a good thing we increased my dose, because Friday night my boyfriend told me that his work asked him if he would be willing to work as a trainer for three weeks… in the Philippines!! Now, obviously I am very excited for him as this is a great opportunity. Not only that. but them asking him to do this just shows how well he’s doing at work and it’s so great to see him be given these opportunities!

My initial reaction (and current feeling) is happiness and excitement for him- but of course the anxiety in me quickly made itself known. I started to panic. I felt the tears coming to my eyes almost immediately, and I felt like I was starting to hyperventilate. I literally told him that I felt like I might throw up. Luckily I didn’t, but I did get dizzy so I had to sit down, and I cried a lot.

I cried because I know I’m going to miss him like crazy. I cried because I know how bad my anxiety gets when I just spend a couple nights away from him and I’m scared of what three weeks will do. I cried because I was upset with myself for how I was reacting when this is a happy time for him. I cried because I was upset with how codependent I am/feel I am. I cried because he comforted me and calmed me down and was so kind the entire time I was panicking. I finally stopped crying and then made a joke about how it’s a good thing that my meds are gonna be increased and we laughed together.

I obviously have some stuff to work on, especially with this happening in a couple months. I’m gonna have to set a good routine for that time that he’s away, so I don’t go crazy and I can avoid getting depressed/anxious. I thought about maybe visiting while he’s there, but I looked at the flights and I’m not sure I’ll be able to afford it. Oh well, I know he’ll be coming home eventually, and for now I’ll enjoy the time I have with him while he’s here. ♡

Circles.

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Life has been rough lately, and music has always been something that helps me through tough times. Mac Miller (RIP ♡) recently had his newest album “Circles” released to the world. Hearing his voice on those tracks after thinking we wouldn’t hear any new music from him has been somewhat surreal. When he passed away it was one of the hardest celebrity deaths for me. I think what made it more difficult was that he had recently released his album “Swimming,” and I had related so much to so many of those songs and wanted to see him perform them live on his upcoming tour. My boyfriend and I were lucky enough to see him live a few years back, at a Lolla after show (definitely one of the best shows we have been to). I’ll never forget his energy in that venue; the love he has for music combined with his insane talent is truly a gift. I’m glad that we were blessed with what is likely to be his last album- and in my opinion, his best one. ♡

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“Well I’m way too young to be getting old.”

“Don’t you put any more stress on yourself, it’s one day at a time.”

“Some people say that want to live forever. That’s way too long, I’ll just get through today.”

“Why can’t it just be easy? Why does everybody need me to stay?”

“I need somebody to save me before I drove myself crazy.”

“I’m busy trippin’ ’bout shit that still ain’t even happened yet.”

“Inside my head is getting pretty cluttered. I’ve tried but can’t clean up this mess I’ve made. Before I start to think about the future, can I just get through a day…”

“Yeah sometimes the going gets so good, but then again it gets pretty rough.”

Malcolm McCormick (Mac Miller.) Circles. Warner Records Inc., 2020.

Now.

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I need to start living for the moment. I can feel myself letting my anxiety take over as I obsess over the future and things I have no control over. What is the point of torturing myself? The worst part right now is that my dreams are so realistic and they’re just all anxious/stressful dreams. Even when I’m trying to relax and sleep, I can’t get peace of mind.

I feel like I’ve been distant and selfish lately, but I also don’t even care. As bad as that might sound, I can’t handle anyone else’s shit right now (I’m barely hanging on dealing with my own shit). I also know I’m being hard on myself, but I can’t seem to stop my self-doubt from sneaking into all of my thoughts.

Today my boyfriend and I went out for coffee and this cute place in our town. I got a Gingerbread White Chocolate Latte and he had an Americano with cream and sugar. I told him that I was stating to feel like maybe I am a bad friend or I don’t show enough effort, but he reminded me that I don’t ever need to feel guilty for not doing something that I don’t want to do.

On our coffee date we started talking about our next home being our forever home, even if that means staying in our current townhome for several more years. We want to make sure that the next house is as close to dream house as it gets. I always enjoy planning our future together, but I also need to remember to live for now and enjoy our lives as they are currently.

Speaking of which we’re going to spend some time together now. I’m going to try hard to make this next week the best one of 2020 yet, which honestly shouldn’t be too hard to do.

this year is mine.

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I finally saw my therapist last Friday after six weeks without a session. She had to cancel one of our sessions earlier in December and she didn’t have any cancellations prior to this appointment I had for January 3rd, so it’s been a little longer than usual between sessions. I am always happy to see my therapist, and as usual we had a good session. I will say that it has left me with open eyes and I realize I am needing to deal with certain things in friendships/relationships. I have a problem where I often spread myself too thin and I feel like I over book myself, but it’s not always with things that I want to do. I can’t keep doing things that I don’t want to do, and I can’t keep accepting guilt from those who try to guilt trip me into doing certain things.

I am often exhausted; I typically drive to work before the sun is up and I come home long after it had already set. Besides my job, I also have to keep up with things at home such as laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking (which I plan to start doing more or this year), cat-moming, garbage etc. Not only that, but I am also trying to work on developing healthy habits such as going to the gym, reading more often, and focusing on my poetry. Now, I know I don’t have any children, and I know I’m not ready for them yet which is why my boyfriend and I take necessary precautions, but that does not mean I am not busy or stressed.

I understand that other people are stressed as well, as we all have different lives and stress, but I think people often look at me like I have all of the time in the world, when in reality I don’t. I do make sure to spend time with friends, but I typically will spread that out over weekends as again, I’m often very tired. I also love spending time at home with my boyfriend since I spend long hours away from him during the week. I know I have good friends who understand these things, and I also know that I have friends who enjoy spending time with me and would probably prefer I spent more time with them; but as adults we all need to understand that our priorities in life are changing, and we have more responsibilities taking our time.

What’s important is that I am happy with how I am spending my time. It is important to be a little selfish- we are the only people who will be with ourselves every day until we die. I feel that one of the most important things in life is to love and care about yourself, and for some of us it takes time and effort to get to that point. That is what I want to focus on right now. I am 24, I’m in a committed relationship, I have an Associates Degree, I’m a home-owner, and I am a manager of a dental practice. I work for what I want, and at this point I want to work on myself. This will also not only benefit me, but my relationship with my boyfriend, my friends, my family, and my future children. ♡