Today was such an incredible day. My family from Iowa came out to visit and take me and my husband out for my birthday. They also blessed us with a very generous gift, and I’m beyond grateful for them. I feel just so grateful and lucky honestly, and I am just happy to be present to it all.
My husband and I also went over to visit his family at the farmer’s market! They have a barbecue business and they’re a vendor at the market every Friday, so we decided to stop by and say hi! When we were leaving the market, another vendor selling cute jewelry caught my eye, and I ended up getting a cute evil eye bracelet, ring, and a pair of snake earrings! It was 3 for $30 and I just happened to have $30 cash in my wallet!
Tomorrow I get to see some of my good friends as we all get together to celebrate my birthday!! We’re gonna go to the local fair and I can’t wait to get a funnel cake as my birthday cake! I’m not a huge cake fan, but I loooveee me some funnel cake so honestly I’m so excited for this! I’m also just excited to see all the people who make me happy and feel loved- it’s just the best feeling.
I also get to take a mini girls trip early next week to go see Glass Animals in concert and I am looking forward to that as well! I’m just feeling so blessed and happy to be living this life. I’ve healed enough that I am actually able to feel the love around me and truly be happy, and I am so grateful for that.
Good morning! Today is a great day to stay grounded in your energy and intention. The full moon is here, it’s Friday, and you get to choose how you feel today.
I personally am feeling great as I type this in my warm bed. I’m gonna get ready for work here soon and after work I’m meeting up with a friend for a late lunch! I’m excited to catch up with her.
This full moon I am really leaning into faith in my angels, but also in myself. I have the ability to create the life I desire- I mean I’ve literally done that so far! I often find myself hiding behind limiting beliefs and unhealed wounds from childhood, but I am actively embracing my shadow self and working to shed light on the darker parts of me.
We’re all humans, we all have parts of us that we have been ashamed or embarrassed of, but hiding them away and trying to ignore them won’t make them go away. We have to acknowledge our pain and shame, and give ourselves patience and understanding for who we were.
Everything in your life has led you to this moment- be sure to honor it all.
Woke up blessed and able to move my body, so I decided to do just that. I am writing this as I walk on my treadmill- just getting a little movement in before my work day. I noticed when I did this a few days last week that I felt so much more calm throughout the day, and I just feel so much better knowing I took time for myself.
I am working on my mindset this time around, as I’ve had past struggles with my weight and how obsessive I have become when I was trying to lose weight before. This time around I am not working out because I am shameful of how I look / feel, but instead because I deserve to feel good and be able to move my body with ease as I continue to grow older.
I think about how I do want to be a mom one day, and even if that never comes to fruition, I will definitely want to be someone who travels. People who are constantly traveling typically are used to walking and hiking a lot, so either way my future goals need me moving now!
I’m not calorie counting or obsessively following a routine, I am simply listening to my body and paying attention to how I feel after certain workouts and certain foods. I deserve to feel healthy and be happy about what I am feeding my body, and I am just trying to sit in that deserving mindset, rather than one of shame.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Tuesday and everyone takes some time for themselves today, even if it’s two minutes of mindful breathing- you deserve it.
I’ve been enjoying all of the love that is surrounding me. From the love within these walls that is shared with my fiancé, to the love exchanged in fun facetime calls with friends, to the love that extends beyond miles and reaches family in far places. I have been so blessed to have such great support, and it’s something I am trying to be present to and truly appreciate in the moment.
I have been constantly making lemon ginger immunity shots for a few weeks now, as well as putting together lunches for work and fruit jars as healthy snacks. I’ve been slacking when it comes to movement and getting in a good routine with that, but I’m about to have a schedule that is super consistent and I want to plan workouts around then. Even if it’s just starting with 3x a week, I know this is something that my body will thank me for and my future self will as well.
I am feeling another social media detox coming up, and I know that I need it. I remember how great I felt actually taking time to do the things I wanted and feeling like I had more free time and I deserve to have that again. I waste so much time scrolling and I don’t want to keep abandoning my goals and dreams; I am the only one who is standing in my way.
I am excited for this upcoming break and for my time to myself. I am focusing on spending time and energy on things that truly make me feel fulfilled, and I feel so grateful to have so many good people in my life that I can have great conversations with. I am enjoying this chapter of my life, and I am so excited to see what blessings are to come this year!
THIS!! This is hard ass work and I understand why most people don’t want to do this, ESPECIALLY when there are already issues of self-doubt and negative self-talk. If you’re already feeling low and critical of yourself, why would you want to sit and learn about how terrible you really are??
In reality that is how it can feel, but the most important thing I have learned over these past few years in my healing journey is to be able to observe myself with compassion and understanding, rather than harsh judgments. I know that may sound impossible, and for me it definitely felt like it was at first, but once I was able to recognize and learn about the brain and how so much can stem from childhood / past traumas, I was able to understand my patterns and where certain behaviors came from.
I have been lucky enough to have been able to find a therapist who I love, but know that unfortunately not everyone has access to a good therapist. I am glad there are apps like “Better Help” to allow people to have a more affordable option for therapy, but there are other options that have personally helped me as well.
Finding @the.holistic.psychologist here on instagram was a game-changer, and then realizing she has a podcast (@selfhealers.soundboard) and books (@howtodothework and @howtomeetyourself and her new one coming out @howtobetheloveyouseek) just opened the door to non-judgment and self-awareness. She has so much knowledge and experience and shares it with everyone for little to zero charge! I also have had amazing realizations when listening to other podcasts such as @themelrobbinspodcast, @jayshettypodcast and @deargabbypodcast! those are only a small amount of the millions of podcasts out and available for all to listen to!
I truly believe that once we can truly learn about ourselves and learn to see ourselves through the lens of non-judgment and compassion, that is when we can allow ourselves to truly heal and be free. I also know that it’s then easier to see others with compassion, as most of our judgment of others stems from something within ourselves (yeah I know… that one hurts).
Sending love and healing to all on their journey- you got this! 🤍✨
I am taking this time to actually practice what I preach, as I feel like I have been out of my element for a bit. I am going to take this blog post as time to acknowledge my growth and progress, as a way to remind myself that I have not regressed, and healing is not linear. What is important is that I continue to come back to myself, and so I am.
I used to never allow myself to rest. I remember I’d wake up on Sunday mornings and immediately hop out of bed and start doing chores. Whether that was washing/putting away dishes, or taking out garbage, or reorganizing the closet… no matter how many tasks I scratched off the list, I always made more for myself. I would not allow myself the luxury of lying down next to the love of my life and just enjoying his warm embrace for a few minutes. I wouldn’t allow myself to have time to think about my intention for the day, or take time to do something for myself, because I always said that I would relax or reward myself after the (never-ending) chores were done.
Now I have a better mindset about relaxing and self care, and I allow myself to do something for myself prior to starting any to-do lists there may be. I understand the importance of setting yourself up for the day and taking time for yourself right in the morning, as I have heard in a podcast before: it’s like putting on your armor for the day. When you don’t start your morning off right, the day can easily get out of control, and it can feel more overwhelming. Although I do not have a set morning routine, I find that on the days that I do wake up early enough to stretch or even do a 5-10 minute meditation, I just feel calmer throughout the day. On my weekends when I can cuddle with my love for a bit, I now look forward to and enjoy those moments. Whether its taking time to read a chapter of a good book, having a cup of coffee or tea in silence, or taking a walk around the neighborhood, taking time to participate in self care is important. I am happy to say that this is the new mindset I live by, and I am glad I recognized that self care isn’t selfish, it is necessary.
I often remember feeling trapped in the endless chaos in my brain. I felt like I was constantly in a battle with what I previously called “rational me” and “irrational me,” and I could never feel at peace or confident in any of my decisions or emotions. I was keeping myself busy with working full time, doing school part time, and constantly over-extending myself in my social life in order to avoid my own issues and try to keep up with my dysregulated nervous system. I also remember feeling very insecure in my relationship; I felt like I was a burden who was always crying and worrying about “what ifs,” I assumed I was awful to be around because it sure felt awful in my head. I felt stupid, confused, full of rage and I didn’t even understand why I felt these things, but now I do.
Now that I have gone through years of trying different anxiety medications, working with a couple different therapists, and dedicating myself to reading and listening to self-help material, I have a much better understanding of my brain and why I am the way that I am. Being able to understand that the environment I grew up in while my brain was developing had a large impact on my reasoning, coping skills, and habits has allowed me to have more compassion towards myself, rather than continuing with the self-loathing and negative self-talk. I am able to make mistakes without scolding myself or calling myself stupid. I am able to recognize that my thoughts are not me, I can choose which ones I want to connect with and I can release the ones that are not serving me. I also am able to recognize when I am in a state of anxiety, and I have breathing exercises and grounding exercises that allow me to bring myself back to the present, and calm my mind and body.
I still have a lot of work to do, and I am comfortable with the fact that healing isn’t linear, but it is forever. Life will continue to bring new blessings, as well as challenges, but the more I know myself and how I respond to certain triggers and events, I can continue to learn how to better handle stressful situations. There is freedom in the awareness, as hard as it can be to see at first. Seeing the toxic habits, acknowledging the choices that hinder growth, once you can see how you’re holding yourself back, you can set yourself free. I know I silence myself out of fear of disappointing and hurting others, and I still have to work on more self-love and self-trust. I need to dedicate myself to healthier habits and pay attention to what makes me feel whole, and continue to show up for myself and my dreams. This blog is part of it all, so I guess I can celebrate that. ♡
I read a post this morning on Instagram by an author named Vex King, and I wanted to take a moment to reflect on it:
This post immediately made me think about codependency and what that looked like for me early on. I started dating my current boyfriend at age sixteen, and he was the first person that I ever dated seriously. At the time I was obviously still living with my parents, and since I was a moody teenager and my parents were functioning alcoholics, the environment was less than ideal. There would be nights of loud fights where cops were called and my boyfriend would drive over to pick me up, and he’d just drive around to different towns as I cried and vented about my life. He’d comfort me and listen to me, and I knew I had someone good in my life.
When I look back at that now, I can see how that attachment / codependency was forming, and it continued once we moved in together at 20 years old. I did rely on him to make me feel better, because I got used to him being there. I also know that younger me would not have handled any sort of break up well, as I definitely felt that I needed him in order to survive. I found myself mirroring his moods, and it felt detrimental whenever we had an argument or disagreement, because I was constantly worried about him being upset with me, because I thought that would lead to him leaving me.
I was very insecure and has low self-esteem for most of my life, even if I didn’t always present it that way. I always thought my boyfriend would find a girl who was “less anxious and crazy,” or “more fun to be around,” because I always felt like a burden. Don’t get me wrong, he would constantly reassure me and tell me: “you’re not as bad as you think you are.” That was something I couldn’t understand at the time, but I am forever grateful that he saw the real me inside, behind all of the built up emotions and anxiety.
With therapy and leaning into the self-healing work, I have been able to learn about myself and my brain in ways that has helped me make leaps and bounds when it comes to my self-worth. I no longer feel confused or frustrated with my thoughts, I feel like I finally understand them and why I am the way I am. I can see my strengths when it comes to perseverance and reliability, and I know that I can take care of myself, just as I did before even starting a relationship at sixteen.
Growing up with alcoholic parents does something to your brain. When the brain is developing, it is constantly learning how to adapt to the environment around you, and you learn habits that help you to survive in life. Unconsciously we develop our own habits and coping skills and when we aren’t aware/conscious of them, we take them with us into adulthood.
As a child, I was used to being quiet and trying to keep the peace, and just tried to stay under the radar- that was until puberty and hormones took over. Once I was a raging teenager, the big emotions and anger became a lot for me. What was confusing is that I’d see my parents have these explosive fights with one another, but then when I was angry or upset I was told I was “being dramatic,” or that I shouldn’t feel that way. I was shamed for having big emotions, yet my parents had them all the time!
When I was able to finally leave that environment, I thought all of my problems would disappear. I knew I’d be living with my best friend/life partner and I knew there wouldn’t be excessive drinking or insane fights. Although both of these things were true, my anxiety and mental health issues still came along for the ride. After months of struggling with my emotions and having pointless fits of rage, with the support of my boyfriend I finally decided to get help.
Although it wasn’t the easiest journey, I am forever grateful that I took matters into my own hands and did something for myself. This was the start of my healing, and I only recently have been able to see how far I’ve come. It’s important to take time to recognize and celebrate growth, and in taking time to reflect on this post, that is exactly what I’m doing.
I love life with my boyfriend, and now we live a very interdependent life. We can rely on each other for support and we enjoy helping one another. We no longer live a life where I am just leaning on him and expecting him to solve all of my problems. I know that I am responsible for my own problems and emotions, and he is not required to fix anything. And even though the plan is forever, I at least know that if something ever were to change, I’d survive on my own.
I find it is important in a partnership to truly listen to each others wants/needs, and be respectful, yet honest about what you can do for them. So many people struggle with mental health, and often times will rely on a partner to fix their problems, when they may also have unresolved issues of their own. There is no shame in seeking professional help, especially if it is to benefit your life and your relationship.
I am glad that I had the courage and support to start my healing journey, and I am proud of how I show up in my relationships today. Whether it’s with my boyfriend or with my friends, or even the relationship I have with myself, I remind myself that we are connected, but not attached. Even as great as I feel now, I am not attached to this version of myself, because I know I am an ever-evolving creature who will continue to learn and grow.
I am proud that I can recognize my self-defeating patterns quicker and that my default now is to immediately start seeing what to be grateful for in any moment.
I am proud that I can face the darker parts of me and give them compassion and understanding instead of shoving them away with anger and resentment.
I am proud that I see that I am living the life I have always wanted, and although there is so much more good to look forward to, I am very happy and aware of the precious present moments.
I am proud of the fact that I have a wonderful group of friends who love and support me, and I’m so grateful we can all celebrate our growth and accomplishments together.
I am proud of my patience and my resilience in my own healing / self-love journey; I stay giving myself grace and love every day.
I feel so very blessed today and every day, and I never want to take it for granted.
I wanted to take a second to pat myself on the back. I spoke up about something that was bothering me at work and felt a huge relief once it was done. I don’t want to go too much into detail as there’s definitely elements that I am still irritated with, however I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I feel like this was a big step forward in my healing and me recognizing when enough is enough and listening to my body/intuition.
After been super stressed over the past week, I was happy I had some time this weekend to spend with friends, but also with myself. This morning I was up pretty early and I decided to get caught up on the free “Take Control” training that Mel Robbins released a couple weeks ago. I finished the training and felt energized and better than I had felt all week. I even decided to use my extra time alone to do a little dumbbell arm workout and a meditation! It’s nice to remind myself how good it feels to take care of me.
As we stroll into May, I want to prioritize seeking joy in every day life, and also being true to myself. I am finally feeling like I can be more vocal, especially since I know what my intentions are. I do myself a disservice by not speaking up when I feel disrespected or uncomfortable, and I don’t deserve that anymore. Reflecting on the amount of relief I felt when I finally talked to my boss last week, it made me realize it never had to go on this long. Instead of beating myself up for that, I am just going to remember that going forward. I don’t deserve to suffer in order to keep others comfortable, my job is to keep myself safe.
The plan was to go to the gym this morning, but so far I’ve been able to do some stretching and I just keep running back to the toilet. I know it’s because didn’t eat the best this weekend and I want to remember this moment when I am deciding to go for some chips or fries next time.
The short term gratification isn’t worth the long term effects. Now I know I’m not going to be running to the toilet forever, but I more so mean what it is doing to my insides and how I am delaying my own progress.
This morning I had a couple bites of some overnight oats I made myself. This was my first time making them, and although the texture is a bit weird, they aren’t bad! I don’t often want breakfast, but I want to get into the habit of having at least a couple bites right when I start my morning. I can just bring the rest of my oats to work and finish them as a please.
Reminder to self: the small steps matter, and small steps repeated make a big difference over time. Pay attention to your body, and listen to what it’s telling you.
From Dark to Light 