happiness

Eleven Years

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Today marks 11 years since my boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend, and it’s honestly insane to me to think about how we were only 16 when we started our relationship. We have truly grown together and grown stronger through all of the years, and I am so excited to see what our long future ahead holds! As he sleeps next to me, I want to take time to write a few key things I am grateful for in this relationship, that I feel could help benefit others! I could probably write a whole book about it, and maybe I will one day, but for now I hope you enjoy.

1. Patience. My boyfriend is probably the most patient man in the world; and if not, I can say he is definitely the most patient person in my world. I am so blessed to have someone who has taken the time to get to truly know me, and hasn’t been pushy or aggressive in any way. He was so helpful when I was going through starting therapy and different medications to help with my anxiety, and he was always understanding and helpful. Over the years, I have been able to improve my patience and I feel like he is a big part of that. I used to freak out over small things, like if I asked him to put the dishes away and if he didn’t do it within like 30 seconds I’d be pissed. Over time, with his help and my therapist, I realized a lot of this anger stemmed from my control issues and even though I’d feel like things needed to be done ASAP, the truth was I’d survive if it was done a few hours from then, or even the next day. I definitely annoyed the shit out of him for the longest, and was even annoyed by him for it too, but with time and patience we have been able to get through everything. I know life will continue to test our patience, but I just know we will be able to get through anything. When the time comes, I know he will be the best father to our future children, and because of him I also feel I’ll be a more patient mother.

2. Communication. In the beginning of our relationship, communicating wasn’t easy. We were both sixteen, this was my first high school relationship, and I was a very insecure, anxious girl. We definitely had our struggles- I would avoid any conflict/confrontation so if anything ever upset me I’d just hold it in to avoid a fight, but once we had any disagreement then everything I was ever mad about would come out and I would explode! He was always so confused and would ask why I didn’t tell him at the time I was bothered, and that came back to me avoiding fights (clearly not working LOL). We came up with a plan to regularly check in with each other when we were both in a good headspace and talk about anything that bothered us. This practice helped us so much and although we have grown together and have developed much better communication skills, it’s still nice to do every once in a while!

3. Honesty. This is key in any relationship, but I find that most people do struggle with this even in adult life. From the beginning of our relationship, we developed a good sense of trust. Of course as teenagers we are young and don’t know much about the world or relationships yet, and there were definitely things we had to work through, but overall the honesty and transparency is something I am so grateful for today. Even in high school, we were never the couples that had each other’s facebook logins or went through each others phones, and we still don’t do that as of today. I remember hearing how common it was so have couples share passwords and even then we thought it was so stupid; if you don’t have that trust, then don’t be together. People deserve their own lives and privacy, and just because someone did you wrong in the past, doesn’t mean this whole different human would do the same. That’s where communication comes back in, but I truly believe honesty and trust are a key foundation for any relationship.

4. Respect. Now this one is also a huge one to me, probably because I grew up observing relationships that didn’t have this. My boyfriend and I both have respect for each other, and in our relationship it comes out in our love and adoration for each other. Throughout the past 11 years, we have never called each other any names, we do not yell or swear at each other in fights, and we honestly just treat each other how we want to be treated. I have so much respect for him, I could never really talk down on him or talk to him that way, and I know he’d never treat me that way either. We both want a loving, healthy relationship so that’s what we work for!

There are so many more qualities of our relationship that I am grateful for, but he is awake and we are heading home, so I’m going to end this here. I wish you all well and a Sunday full of love!

Short Sunday Post

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I have been doing a lot of reflecting on both myself and my friendships. I am so blessed to have so many close friends who are all so different from one another, and I too am still able to be myself with all of them.

As I grow older and move away from my people-pleasing tendencies, I am trying to be more mindful of how I listen to others as well as how I speak to them. I am coming to a point in my life where I find boundaries and honesty to be super important, and I am making sure that I speak my truth while being mindful of the other person’s emotions.

I used to silence myself and avoid saying anything that I felt could be confrontational or anything that could come off offensive, but as I grow up I am realizing that you’ll never be able to please everyone, but it is important that you’re always true to yourself. What matters is the intention behind your words and actions, and that you’re proud of your own choices/decisions.

I know that I am the only one who is guaranteed to be with me up until my dying day, so it is important that I honor myself and speak my truth while I’m here breathing. I know my intentions and goals, and if I continue to keep quiet, then I’ll never reach any goals.

Friday Feeling

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Happy Friday! I swear this week felt like it was going to be a long one on Tuesday, but somehow now we are here! I have been feeling proud of myself as I can feel myself finding it easier to let things go and not ruminate on them, while also allowing myself to feel my emotions as we are all human and emotions are normal!

From what I have been reading and listening to on podcasts, a common theme is that you need to feel to heal. Many people are running from something that happened to them in the past, or even something they did in the past, so you’ll find that they may develop addiction. Whether this is addiction to a substance, like alcohol or other drugs, or some people will become workaholics to distract themselves from their true stresses and needs, but what really needs to happen is that the trauma gets addressed.

Not many people seem to realize that our childhoods had a major impact on our psyche, and we carry that with us every day. Today psychologists are saying that a child’s personality is developed by age six, even though there is so much more development to take place, but during those first years, it is critical that certain needs are met. We may not remember everything from our childhood, but our brain does. Memories don’t leave, but they can be “filed away” so to speak, and often times the “negative” tendencies we have are stemming from some sort of childhood trauma.

Keep in mind that there are small traumas and big traumas, and also keep in mind that perception is reality. A parent may think they are helping their child by staying in an unhealthy relationship because “two parents are better than one,” but in the eyes of the child, if they’re witnessing the abuse (emotional or physical), they may not feel helped during those times.

When you were a child, the things that happened around you, or to you, were not your fault. Unfortunately as we grow older and become adults of our own, our mental health and issues become our responsibility. We can blame our parents or blame the bullies, but none of that will resolve your inner turmoil. You can help yourself, but sometimes we just need help along the way!

If you don’t have access to therapy, there are many free podcasts that can just start opening up new ideas and give new perspectives. I recommend Jay Shetty always, and I also found Gabrielle Bernstein because of an episode she had with Jay. I also recommend self help books/audio books such as “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” by Deepok Chopra, or “The Power is Within You” by Louise Hay or “The Four Agreements,” by Don Miguel Ruiz. These are just a few of the endless options that there are!

Find something that seems fun or interesting to you. If you find that something in your life keeps coming up, dig into that feeling/situation. Ask yourself questions, journal about your feelings- sometimes just taking the time to write our your thoughts can bring you clarity, because you’ve taken the time to slow down. If you have time this weekend, make sure to take some time to check in with yourself and do a little something to bring you joy. Have a wonderful Friday and wonderful weekend!

Monday Mindset

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It’s a new week and I didn’t snooze my alarm this morning, even though I really wanted to. I was super and ready to sleep for another 25 minutes and just skip any journaling or stretching, but then I remembered that last night I was so excited to be starting my week off right, and I didn’t want to take that away from myself.

I am going to do a little yoga after this post, and I wanted to take time on here to express some gratitude this morning. Feel free to comment what you are grateful for today, or even post your own blog about it and share it with everyone!

I am grateful for my boyfriend and our relationship. I am blessed to have a healthy relationship where we can easily communicate our differences and we always make each other feel loved and respected.

I am blessed to have a home that we love and has everything we could ever need. We have clean water, heat/AC, working appliances, and we are blessed enough to be able to afford our home and utilities.

I am lucky to have a job that I don’t hate, and that allows me to pay my bills, have insurance and still be able to live a life I want. I’m off on weekends and I enjoy my schedule during the week!

I am grateful for my friends. I feel blessed to have so many different, yet close, friendships. My friends are all very different, yet all very supportive and loving in their own ways, and I am lucky to have so many good people by my side.

I am thankful for my physical and mental health. I’m blessed that I can walk, talk, eat and use the bathroom without any need for assistance, and I’m lucky that my recent physical and labs went well! I am also so grateful for access to therapy as well as books and podcasts that are helping me improve my mental health.

There are so many other things I am grateful for, but those are just to name a few. For now, I am going stretch and get ready for the rest of my day! I hope everyone has a great Monday and great week ahead!

Looking In

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I’ve been slacking on the writing again. I guess not technically because I have written a few small poems as I recently started a new, anonymous instagram account. My period was super late this month so I was feeling not the greatest and felt so tired, but now I’m on the upswing! I took a few of the photos I posted on this blog and wrote poems over them, which is something I always had wanted to do, so I am excited to be trying that out.

I am working hard on talking to myself and thinking through feelings. I have been having issues with someone in my life that I unfortunately cannot avoid currently, and I am trying my best to not give that person my energy, but I keep finding myself so bothered.

I try to remind myself that we are all humans who have our own issues and traumas, and it’s not up to me to determine how someone should act or treat others, all I can do is focus on how I treat others and how I react. I don’t want anyone to ruin my good mood or healing, so I won’t let them! I will continue to pinpoint my trigger and work through it internally and hopefully I will be able to tolerate this person more over time.

I hope everyone has a good upcoming weekend!

New Month, New Intentions

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Happy September! I am feeling so good today, and felt like writing for a bit here on my lunch break! I am feeling very hopeful for this month; I joined that writing community I previously posted about, I am focusing on my health, and I am still making sure to practice gratitude daily! We have four months left of 2022, and I want to make them count.

Life feels so much better when you live with intention. When you just let life happen to you, it feels chaotic and like there is no sense of control. Granted, there are so many things that are beyond our control, but when you take time to set intentions, check in with yourself, and feel through your emotions, it does help you to feel in control of yourself- which is truly the only thing you can control.

For me, I used to feel like my mind was controlling me, and not the other way around. I have been on my fair share of anxiety medications, and I have seen different therapists; it took years to even get to where I am now, and I know I still have work to do, but I feel like I am finally the one in control of my mind. When I feel like I am anxious or sad or angry, I take a moment to look within and start questioning where it is coming from- this alone has helped me a ton!

This month I will continue on my journey of healing and mindfulness, and I am excited to see what is in store!

Beauty in the Present

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I filled up my weekend with seeing good friends after having a week of dealing with health stuff and I am feeling so good! I am happy to see it looks like my labs and other test results came back normal, and it has been a huge relief for me. My doctor will call me next week to confirm, but looking through the results that were uploaded to MyChart, everything looks good!

I am excited to continue on my wellness journey, and I am ready to focus on getting my body moving everyday. I deserve to feel good and healthy long term, and I am the one who is in charge of that. There’s no reason to get upset with my currents habits or weight, because all I can do is move forward and take the information I know now and apply it to myself in the best ways!

I am feeling a lot better now that I don’t feel like I am always rushing or racing against some imaginary clock. I feel like taking a slow approach, building small habits over time, is truly the way that I will get to my goals. Slowing down my nervous system and my thoughts makes me feel way more in control than my anxiety ever did. Focusing on one task at a time, rather than trying to “multi-task,” actually makes me feel so much more productive!

I am realizing that taking the time to focus on one thing at a time and being intentional about everything I do, makes me feel better about my life and choices. Making sure you’re present in your life choices is so important! Being aligned with your intuition and taking time to check in with how you’re feeling will help to realize what is truly important to you and what is worth your time. Make sure you’re living life for you, you absolutely deserve it.

Celebrate Yourself

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Today is Friday and I am so excited for the weekend! My boyfriend and I are attending a friend’s wedding tomorrow, but other than that I am free to relax and take some time for myself. After how busy last weekend was for me, I am happy to be able to slow it down a bit while still having the opportunity to see friends and have a good time!

I was doing a bit of reflecting yesterday and I am honestly so proud of how far I have come on my mental health journey; I was thinking about how I was when I first moved out with my boyfriend and it truly feels like night and day. I still have plenty of work to do, but now it doesn’t feel so daunting and impossible!

When I first removed myself from an environment of constant chaos and unpredictability, my body didn’t even know how to handle the calm, peaceful life I was entering. My nervous system was stuck in a state of turmoil and I always felt like my mind was racing and I was running with it! I could never sit still and relax, instead I’d hyper focus on tasks that “needed to be completed,” and I’d feel out of control if I ever took a minute to breathe.

I still have days where it’s hard for me to sit down and unwind, but now my boyfriend and I both have learned how to handle it better. For example, earlier in the week was rough for me- I was starting my period and this time around my hormones felt super out of whack and I was feeling depressed. I honestly haven’t felt that low in quite a while, but instead of giving into that feeling, I was able to remind myself that this is temporary and has a lot to do with my cycle. I didn’t sit and think that I was going to be depressed forever, and I didn’t give myself a hard time for it.

I had told my boyfriend that I was going on a walk, which he encouraged, but I kept stalling and saying that I had things to do around the house and he could tell I was feeling anxious and overwhelmed. He looked at me and said “you need to go on your walk, and only think about your walk while you’re on your walk.” He was right, and I knew that already but just hearing it from him and out loud was something that I needed. I ended up going on my walk and I felt so much better when I came home. I cleaned up what I needed to, I showered, and then he helped me cut up veggies for the big salad I was making for the week.

It’s incredible how much of an impact that walk had on me, and I understand why everything I read and listen to about mental health says it is important to move your body every day. For me, just walking for 30-40 minutes made life feel so much more bearable, and it was nice to take some time to myself.

I feel so very blessed every day to have a wonderful man by my side who has grown with me over the years, who has learned how I operate and how to help me when I am struggling, and who loves me every step of the way. I used to feel like my brain was on fire and I was such a raging b*tch to him even when I didn’t want to be, and I knew he didn’t deserve it which made me hate myself/my brain quite a bit.

Lucky for me, he always saw the real me underneath all of the anxiety; and now I can finally see me as well. I am forgiving myself for past mistakes as I now understand why I was the way I was, and my goal is to continue healing and keeping this relationship strong, as I know we will have a solid foundation for our future together and our future as parents. That is still a couple years down the road, but that just gives me more time to work on myself!

Make sure you take time to look at who you were five years ago and then look where you are today; we all love to hate on ourselves and feel like we aren’t moving forward, but it’s a much nicer habit to celebrate yourself! Look at how you handle certain situations compared to how your past self would! Give yourself credit where it is due, and make a plan for the things you still want to work on. You deserve a happy life!