growing

Busy and Blessed

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This weekend has been full of Christmas parties and good company, which means my social battery is now drained. Today my fiancé and I are having his brother take our engagement photos and then we are meeting up with our moms to discuss wedding/reception planning.

We are planning a small beach destination wedding with less than 40 of our close family and friends, and we are also doing this on our 13 dating anniversary which makes it land on a Wednesday! I have always dreamed of having an intimate ceremony near the ocean, and I am so excited to make this dream come true!

We have a bunch of ideas planned, but nothing is set in stone just yet and I am working on surrendering all that is beyond my control to the universe. I know that things don’t go as planned, and I know that is usually because something better is coming, so I am going to work hard to stay in that mindset throughout our planning process.

I’ve been in a few weddings and been to even more and more often than not the bride is always very stressed before the wedding. I am determined to focus on the joy and gratitude along this journey and eliminate any stress where I can, and I am so excited to see how everything unfolds. I want to be so present throughout this process, because this is the only wedding I plan to have and I do not want to let myself get carried away with unnecessary stress and anxiety.

This is going to be the ultimate people-pleasing test for me, because I know what I want and I know some family may have some different opinions. I will not let anyone guilt me out of my dream of getting married on our anniversary, even though it may be super inconvenient for most people. I will be strong with my boundaries and as long as my fiancé and I are communicating well and on the same page, that is what matters.

This wedding is for us to celebrate our love and set the foundation for our future life and family, it has nothing to do with anyone else. I am so grateful and excited to marry my best friend, so I am going to keep this same energy throughout the process. Here’s to a great week ahead!

Love, Life, and Gratitude

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I woke up about ten minutes ago and got up to use the bathroom and feed the cats, and now I want to stay up to watch the sunrise in about 15 minutes or so. The sky is clear, the air is crisp as I’m feeling it through my bedroom window, and it just feels like a beautiful fall day.

I have been focusing on gratitude again and staying in my own energy, as I’ve noticed a lot of my toxic habits of complaining and judging coming back, and I don’t want that to be my life. I want to stay focused on my own life, my own business, and all that brings me peace.

When I was 16, I dreamt of the days that my current boyfriend and I would live on our own; having coffee together, going out to breakfast, cuddling up while watching movies/shows. I always wished upon eyelashes and dandelions that we would stay together forever and that we’d have a happy, healthy relationship, and I feel so blessed to have that today.

Now don’t get me wrong, although I trust in the assistance of the universe and angels, I know that our happiness comes from the effort we both put into the relationship. We have had to work on communication throughout the years, as well as continuing to learn about each other as we have evolved throughout the past (almost) 12 years; but the main thing is that we have always prioritized our relationship.

The relationship you have with your partner is arguably the most important relationship you have in your life. This is the person you will wake up next to and fall asleep with for the rest of your days. This is the person who will be raising your children with you. This is the person who will need your support during rough times, and also the same person you will lean on in your times of need. This is the person who you will build a life with, until either one of you inevitably passes away.

I feel so grateful every day to have such an incredible life partner, and I find it important to stay present and not take this for granted. I may get stressed with work and life in general, but I always try to turn back to gratitude and pay attention to all of the love I have in my life. People will have their judgments about anything and everything-hell I am guilty of it too-but I always know deep down that even though everyone has their own lives and flaws, but we’re all deserving of love and a peaceful life.

I am sitting on my balcony now listening to the birds chirp, realizing that I cannot see the sunrise with all of the trees in the way, but regardless I am grateful. I have a beautiful home, a plethora a good friends, and a wonderful life partner. I have my health, my intelligence, and my ability to continue to learn and grow. I have my beautiful fur babies, my reliable vehicle, and a job that allows me to live a comfortable life. Life is good when you focus on the good, and that’s what I plan to do.

My inner peace is my priority, and I deserve it.

Twenty-Eight

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Today is my birthday, and I have made it 28 years around the sun. In the best way, I still feel very young. Sometimes I wonder how I am able to find balance between being a responsible adult and still enjoying the magic of the world as a child would, but then I think about how this seems like a natural state to me. I have always been highly sensitive, and I believe that allows me to experience those same levels of joy and excitement that young children do over seemingly “small” joys. Seeing cows or horses out of my window while driving still brings me the same level of happiness that it did when I was younger, and I even feel the same childlike joy that arises when I get an M&M Blizzard. Today I was excited to have a free drink from Starbucks and was able to treat myself to my newest guilty pleasure, and this honestly already made my whole day! Being present and aware of my happiness has been important for me, as I used to focus on my anxiety and despair, and I truly believe that mindset shift has changed my life for the better.

I had heard the saying “energy goes where focus flows,” and then after learning about the Reticular Activating System (RAS) in our brains, it made complete sense. Our RAS is a magical tool, as it works based on what we are feeding it. For example, when you are shopping around for a new car, typically you start seeing the car you’re interested in everywhere you go. Or when you are trying to conceive, you may feel like you are seeing pregnant women everywhere, but in reality there aren’t really more pregnant people, instead your RAS is just focused on that right now. When I was first struggling with my panic attacks and severe anxiety, all I could think about is how “horrible” my brain was and how “crazy” I was, and that was really all I could see. It didn’t matter when my boyfriend or my friends told me I wasn’t, I had told my mind that it was true, and now it was doing everything to focus on what made that true. Once I was able to recognize this (which was several years into my therapy/healing journey) my life changed for the better, and gratitude ended up being a huge help.

I recently listened to an episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast where she discussed the difference between being thankful and grateful. What I took away from this episode was that feeling gratitude is much more powerful than just being thankful, because in the gratitude you truly feel it. As I sit here at my kitchen table, I am thankful that I have a laptop to type this on and that I can afford my WordPress subscription, but it is not until I truly pause and focus on the true magic within these privileges that I have that I can step into gratitude. I also had a close friend tell me about what her therapist taught her, and she said that when practicing gratitude to think about events or specific memories where you felt overwhelmed with happiness so that you can easily step into that feeling. It is when we step into the joy and love that we get aligned with ourselves and we can access that magic in the world. Now when I see my signs such as repeating numbers or bunnies, I can feel the ping of joy in my heart, and I allow myself to feel grateful in those moments.

This year I plan to continue on this healing and self-love journey, as I can see the progress I have made. I know when I need to isolate and take time for myself, and I no longer feel guilty for it. I am better at speaking up when I am bothered, but I am also recognizing when it is not necessary to share an opinion. It all comes down to not only how I feel, but if it directly impacts me or my life. I am actively working on practicing non-judgement with myself, and this will inevitably spill out to the world around me. I deserve to feel happy, and I deserve to do what makes me feel good as long as it is not harmful to myself or my dreams. I honestly believe that everyone deserves to feel good, and although it may mean working through the traumas and toxic traits, I promise the end result is worth it. We deserve love and happiness in this lifetime, so I intend to seek it and be it. Cheers to 28 years!

Today’s Instagram Post:

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THIS!! This is hard ass work and I understand why most people don’t want to do this, ESPECIALLY when there are already issues of self-doubt and negative self-talk. If you’re already feeling low and critical of yourself, why would you want to sit and learn about how terrible you really are??

In reality that is how it can feel, but the most important thing I have learned over these past few years in my healing journey is to be able to observe myself with compassion and understanding, rather than harsh judgments. I know that may sound impossible, and for me it definitely felt like it was at first, but once I was able to recognize and learn about the brain and how so much can stem from childhood / past traumas, I was able to understand my patterns and where certain behaviors came from.

I have been lucky enough to have been able to find a therapist who I love, but know that unfortunately not everyone has access to a good therapist. I am glad there are apps like “Better Help” to allow people to have a more affordable option for therapy, but there are other options that have personally helped me as well.

Finding @the.holistic.psychologist here on instagram was a game-changer, and then realizing she has a podcast (@selfhealers.soundboard) and books (@howtodothework and @howtomeetyourself and her new one coming out @howtobetheloveyouseek) just opened the door to non-judgment and self-awareness. She has so much knowledge and experience and shares it with everyone for little to zero charge! I also have had amazing realizations when listening to other podcasts such as @themelrobbinspodcast, @jayshettypodcast and @deargabbypodcast! those are only a small amount of the millions of podcasts out and available for all to listen to!

I truly believe that once we can truly learn about ourselves and learn to see ourselves through the lens of non-judgment and compassion, that is when we can allow ourselves to truly heal and be free. I also know that it’s then easier to see others with compassion, as most of our judgment of others stems from something within ourselves (yeah I know… that one hurts).

Sending love and healing to all on their journey- you got this! 🤍✨

New Moon / Healing Blocks

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The new moon is upon us, and according to the fun astrology Instagram accounts I follow, it is time to turn inward and release blocks that are stopping me from my dreams. I know there is still deeper healing to do, and I maybe have been avoiding it, but I know that this will be beneficial for my in the long run. I am a sensitive person and I feel emotions very deeply; my mom and aunt always said growing up that we are “Empaths,” for those who believe in those sort of things. I am learning to embrace the idea of being sensitive and having heightened emotions/feelings, while also trying to overcome a childhood where I was shamed for being these things.

A lot of the chaos and internal battles likely stem from the confusing messages that I received as a child. As my brain was developing along with my self-esteem, I had one parent who was trying to be encouraging and empathetic towards certain feelings, and I had another one who would tell me I was “dramatic” or I was always “overreacting” to certain situations. It definitely didn’t help that I was quite sheltered and felt overly-monitored, but also I was being controlled by adults who seemed to be out of control.

I know that all parents are doing their best with what they know, and I know that my parents love me dearly and felt they were doing everything they needed in order to keep me safe. I do appreciate the fact that I had two-parents in the home, and although they both worked, they were also home most of the rest of the time, so I did have time with them. Unfortunately, I don’t have many childhood memories (likely due to hypervigilance) and currently in my life I can tell I am still holding onto some anger and resentment, which is likely causing some of my blocks.

I feel angry for the younger part of me that didn’t feel protected, while also being over-protected. She felt like the emotional punching bag for her father, that is whenever he decided to participate in the family. At age seven, the family got a computer, and it felt like she lost her dad at that point. If he wasn’t sleeping or at work, he was sitting in front of the screen. Looking back now, I know that my mother was doing the same thing, but with the television. Part of the difference was that her and I could at least talk and bond over some shows, while it felt like my father drifted further away from any bonding. It felt like he only wanted to participate in conversation when it had to do with judging my life or my choices, or giving criticism to how I handled my emotions.

Looking at this now, I know it is because both of my parents had no clue how to handle or deal with their own big emotions in a healthy way, so they had no clue how to model or teach me something they didn’t even know. Although my younger, sensitive self would have appreciated some gentle parenting or emotional support, I know that I can give that to myself now. I can validate my own emotions, and I can admire that I feel emotions very fully and deeply. The fact that I can listen to and step into how someone may feel in their own situation is a gift, as I can empathize with and validate how they may feel, and it also allows for a deeper human connection.

Many people just want to feel seen and heard and understood, or at least have someone be open to listen to their perspective…I would love to be able to give that to others, and I know now that is because that I what I needed as a child. I want to put forth effort to acknowledge and show compassion to my own emotions, as that is what I need and deserve. Honestly, I get sad when I think about that I cannot express certain things or feelings to family and those who should be closest to me, but at the same time, it was never really their validation or support that I needed… I needed my own. Maybe I did need certain emotional support as a child, and I can take that information into my future life as a parent (hopefully), but for now it is important that I heal my own wounds and issues so that I am less likely to pass them to the next generation.

I know another block I have has to deal with attention. I find myself judging certain posts that people make online and literally see it as “they are just looking for attention,” and even if that is the case, why does it matter? This was something that was drilled into my head as a kid: attention-seeking is bad. Although I can 100% see how it can be bad, especially for those with low self-esteem or unstable mental health, it also can be something beneficial. The fact that Jay Shetty and Mel Robbins have captured the attention of millions is incredible! They encourage self-help/self-improvement and they help by looking at the science behind certain habits and ideas! People may have judged them or shamed them for the videos and posts they made, and if they had listened to them then we may not have their best-selling books or their podcast episodes… but instead they knew their intentions and listened to their intuitions.

I know that being an adult child of alcoholics, being quiet and “off the radar” was something I was basically trained to do. Daily drinking would be a concern to certain school counselors or teachers, or really any other adults around me…if that secret had gotten out, my parents could have been in trouble. If the police had seen the relatively fresh cuts on my arms after someone called them to our apartment, I would have been removed and my parents would be questioned. When I look back at things now, I feel like I can understand why I wasn’t allowed to do certain things, and it really had nothing to do with me. My guess is I couldn’t have sleepovers, because if I needed a parent to come and get me, they wouldn’t be able to since they were drunk every night. It could also be the fact that I would see how other families lived and operated that was more healthy or functional than what I had been living in. I’m sure they also didn’t want me to have attention drawn to me in any way, as depending on what that attention was for, it could lead back to my parents and their behavior.

I also don’t really know if I would get answers to these questions, as it is hard to approach most topics with my parents. My mom feels forever guilty about my childhood, my relationship with my dad is definitely estranged, although I doubt he even sees it that way. They are still together too which makes it difficult for me as I still sometimes feel a bit of guilt when I am making plans with one parent and not the other. My dad always made me feel guilty for the relationship with my mom, saying we were “ganging up on him,” and he felt like I hated him…yet he doesn’t seem to understand why I felt the way I did. Even after all of the mental work and reflection I have done, I honestly don’t even think any conversation would go well because I am sure my reality would be denied as it always was. It’s hard because they could really not remember due to the amount of alcohol consumed, or they also could be in denial-either way this will not result in any sort of productive conversation.

This is something that clearly still brings some anger, and I am still working to release this block of needing my parents validation. The truth is I never really needed it, again, I just needed my own. Now that I am an adult and am capable of listening to my own thoughts and intuition, I know that I am a good person, and my sensitivity is a gift. Me being open to sharing my story and how I came out of crippling anxiety is something I feel the need to do. There are many ACA/ACOA’s in the world, and we have many blocks and issues that we need to work through, and as we do, we are able to take back our own lives. It may look to some like I am seeking out the attention and validation that I didn’t get as a child, but I know my intentions and my own validation is the only validation I need. I feel proud of the work I have done, and I know that others who have similar struggles can also do this work and feel satisfied and full in their own lives. Although I have plenty of work to still do, I am happy with where I am, and I am looking forward to the journey.

Celebrating Growth

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I am taking this time to actually practice what I preach, as I feel like I have been out of my element for a bit. I am going to take this blog post as time to acknowledge my growth and progress, as a way to remind myself that I have not regressed, and healing is not linear. What is important is that I continue to come back to myself, and so I am.

I used to never allow myself to rest. I remember I’d wake up on Sunday mornings and immediately hop out of bed and start doing chores. Whether that was washing/putting away dishes, or taking out garbage, or reorganizing the closet… no matter how many tasks I scratched off the list, I always made more for myself. I would not allow myself the luxury of lying down next to the love of my life and just enjoying his warm embrace for a few minutes. I wouldn’t allow myself to have time to think about my intention for the day, or take time to do something for myself, because I always said that I would relax or reward myself after the (never-ending) chores were done.

Now I have a better mindset about relaxing and self care, and I allow myself to do something for myself prior to starting any to-do lists there may be. I understand the importance of setting yourself up for the day and taking time for yourself right in the morning, as I have heard in a podcast before: it’s like putting on your armor for the day. When you don’t start your morning off right, the day can easily get out of control, and it can feel more overwhelming. Although I do not have a set morning routine, I find that on the days that I do wake up early enough to stretch or even do a 5-10 minute meditation, I just feel calmer throughout the day. On my weekends when I can cuddle with my love for a bit, I now look forward to and enjoy those moments. Whether its taking time to read a chapter of a good book, having a cup of coffee or tea in silence, or taking a walk around the neighborhood, taking time to participate in self care is important. I am happy to say that this is the new mindset I live by, and I am glad I recognized that self care isn’t selfish, it is necessary.

I often remember feeling trapped in the endless chaos in my brain. I felt like I was constantly in a battle with what I previously called “rational me” and “irrational me,” and I could never feel at peace or confident in any of my decisions or emotions. I was keeping myself busy with working full time, doing school part time, and constantly over-extending myself in my social life in order to avoid my own issues and try to keep up with my dysregulated nervous system. I also remember feeling very insecure in my relationship; I felt like I was a burden who was always crying and worrying about “what ifs,” I assumed I was awful to be around because it sure felt awful in my head. I felt stupid, confused, full of rage and I didn’t even understand why I felt these things, but now I do.

Now that I have gone through years of trying different anxiety medications, working with a couple different therapists, and dedicating myself to reading and listening to self-help material, I have a much better understanding of my brain and why I am the way that I am. Being able to understand that the environment I grew up in while my brain was developing had a large impact on my reasoning, coping skills, and habits has allowed me to have more compassion towards myself, rather than continuing with the self-loathing and negative self-talk. I am able to make mistakes without scolding myself or calling myself stupid. I am able to recognize that my thoughts are not me, I can choose which ones I want to connect with and I can release the ones that are not serving me. I also am able to recognize when I am in a state of anxiety, and I have breathing exercises and grounding exercises that allow me to bring myself back to the present, and calm my mind and body.

I still have a lot of work to do, and I am comfortable with the fact that healing isn’t linear, but it is forever. Life will continue to bring new blessings, as well as challenges, but the more I know myself and how I respond to certain triggers and events, I can continue to learn how to better handle stressful situations. There is freedom in the awareness, as hard as it can be to see at first. Seeing the toxic habits, acknowledging the choices that hinder growth, once you can see how you’re holding yourself back, you can set yourself free. I know I silence myself out of fear of disappointing and hurting others, and I still have to work on more self-love and self-trust. I need to dedicate myself to healthier habits and pay attention to what makes me feel whole, and continue to show up for myself and my dreams. This blog is part of it all, so I guess I can celebrate that. ♡

On the Upswing

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I am finally feeling about 95% better with my back! I was able to enjoy the 4th with my best friend and her son; we went to the farmers market and then swam at the pool in town for a few hours which honestly felt great on my back! Apparently it was exhausting as well, because my ass fell asleep at 7:30pm! I woke up at 9:30pm to the sound of fireworks, looked out my window and watched them for a couple minutes and knocked back out.

My body has definitely been needing rest, and I am doing my best to give myself that time. I went back to the chiro yesterday and am planning to go tomorrow as well, as I want to get back to 100%! I also am going to make sure I am getting in my walks and stretching at least, as I never want to be in the pain again.

I am happy to say that I had huge weight lifted off my shoulder when it comes to my work life. I had a coworker who was really adding stress to my days at work and it was an everyday struggle with trying to be nice and tolerable at work, but feeling inauthentic because I really wanted to tell them off. This created an internal battle, because I didn’t want to make everyone at work feel uncomfortable, but I was feeling uncomfortable every day.

This person would constantly talk about everyone in the office, never minding their own business. When they were called out for mistakes, they would point fingers and blame everyone else even though they were the one who made the error. Not only that, but even though I had said multiple times that this was work relationship, they were constantly trying to make me be friends with them and try to hang out outside of work. They never take accountability, they always play the victim, and overall this person was super manipulative— and luckily this is all over now!

Something that opened my eyes when I was dealing with all this was a video my friend sent me that said “sometimes the universe will bring people into your life to simply show you what it would be like if you didn’t heal.” I immediately thought of this person and how I could even see some of past me in them. Definitely not to this extreme, but the people-pleasing and trying to make everyone like me was something I used to struggle with. I didn’t go through lengths of pretending to listen to the same podcasts or have the same interests as people, nor did I try to buy anyone’s friendship with coffee and food, but I used to care a lot about what people thought of me.

I also never went through lengths of reading through someone’s personal email or recording someone’s voice when I’m not in the room, but maybe if I never went on this healing journey I could have become that kind of person (although I seriously doubt it because all of that is crazy as hell). This person also would overshare too much about their sexual life which was completely unwarranted and unwanted, and I probably should have reported it to the boss (considering there’s really no HR), and I never did. Either way, I am glad this is all over and I can finally stop dreading going to interact with this person.

I am so happy it is Friday and I have the ultimate self care day planned for after work, which I am looking forward to! I hope everyone has a great weekend, and that your crazy coworker that you can’t stand finally quits LOL!

Finally Friday

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This week has been very stressful and chaotic, and I’m excited to end it on a good note and head into the weekend. I know that being on my period doesn’t help with the stress, in fact it 100% makes it worse, but it’s no longer day one or two so I am feeling a lot better.

As I reflect on all of the things that have happened that set me into my bad moods, in reality none of them were really detrimental concerns. Just aggravation/annoyance really, and the hormones exacerbate the reaction. I even caught myself during one of my rage fits and yelled at myself: “Jena, you’re literally making it worse by not stopping to breathe!” And boy was I right!

It’s crazy how pausing and taking a few deep breaths can help. Slowing the heart rate and also your thoughts definitely makes a difference, but I can’t lie and say I didn’t get frustrated again shortly after. Once I was able to address all of the stressful things (aka cat puke, spilled food / water, putting away groceries, etc), I took a shower and did a meditation and it helped to reset my mood before I went to bed.

Last night I definitely needed some rest though, as a tension migraine hit me around 8-8:30pm and I just decided to lay on my heating pad and I fell asleep. I feel a lot better this morning after good rest, and I am excited for my massage after work because it is much needed (I decided to book that yesterday after being very stressed at work).

I am trying to take my own advise of filling my own cup first, because I know that is what will help me. I’ve been slacking on my own self care and listening to my needs, and I am done with this now. I need to take care of myself, as it will help me to handle the days better. Now here’s to a great Friday and weekend!

Still Shooketh

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I am still kinda shook after reading my old journals and having all these memories flood back. I’m also very proud of myself for writing back then, because I expressed several times that I had to get my emotions out somehow and if I didn’t I would die. The amount of suicide notes I found was alarming, and I clearly blurred a lot of that out.

I was such angry, confused child. I was so overwhelmed by the thoughts I had and the anger that I had no clue how to deal with. I couldn’t talk to my parents about my anger, because they were too busy dealing with their own emotions. When I’d express my feelings or opinions after letting them bottle up, I was met with “stop being so dramatic” and just more rules and control.

I love my parents and know they did the best with what they knew and had, and I know they love me and just wanted to protect me. I have a new appreciation for them as I am in my late twenties, and I do truly believe everything happens for a reason. I am proud of the woman I am today, and I am proud to be breaking cycles, even though it’s quite difficult.

I still have a habit of keeping things inside, as it was a normal thing in my life. It’s hard to speak up for myself as I assume it will end in shame and more conflict, but I know deserve to express my feelings. My inner child deserved to be defended and listened to and cared for, and I am determined to do that for her. If I feel disrespected or bothered, I am allowed to express how I feel, and my intention is never to shame others or make them feel uncomfortable, but I also don’t need to feel shame or discomfort.

Life is all about balance and growth and as I evolve I will continue to write and check in with myself so I can continue to make progress and focus on my goals. I am an empathetic person and I enjoy connecting with people, and I know the more that I am able to understand myself and my own emotions, the more I will be able to connect with others.

Interdependent > Codependent

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I read a post this morning on Instagram by an author named Vex King, and I wanted to take a moment to reflect on it:

This post immediately made me think about codependency and what that looked like for me early on. I started dating my current boyfriend at age sixteen, and he was the first person that I ever dated seriously. At the time I was obviously still living with my parents, and since I was a moody teenager and my parents were functioning alcoholics, the environment was less than ideal. There would be nights of loud fights where cops were called and my boyfriend would drive over to pick me up, and he’d just drive around to different towns as I cried and vented about my life. He’d comfort me and listen to me, and I knew I had someone good in my life.

When I look back at that now, I can see how that attachment / codependency was forming, and it continued once we moved in together at 20 years old. I did rely on him to make me feel better, because I got used to him being there. I also know that younger me would not have handled any sort of break up well, as I definitely felt that I needed him in order to survive. I found myself mirroring his moods, and it felt detrimental whenever we had an argument or disagreement, because I was constantly worried about him being upset with me, because I thought that would lead to him leaving me.

I was very insecure and has low self-esteem for most of my life, even if I didn’t always present it that way. I always thought my boyfriend would find a girl who was “less anxious and crazy,” or “more fun to be around,” because I always felt like a burden. Don’t get me wrong, he would constantly reassure me and tell me: “you’re not as bad as you think you are.” That was something I couldn’t understand at the time, but I am forever grateful that he saw the real me inside, behind all of the built up emotions and anxiety.

With therapy and leaning into the self-healing work, I have been able to learn about myself and my brain in ways that has helped me make leaps and bounds when it comes to my self-worth. I no longer feel confused or frustrated with my thoughts, I feel like I finally understand them and why I am the way I am. I can see my strengths when it comes to perseverance and reliability, and I know that I can take care of myself, just as I did before even starting a relationship at sixteen.

Growing up with alcoholic parents does something to your brain. When the brain is developing, it is constantly learning how to adapt to the environment around you, and you learn habits that help you to survive in life. Unconsciously we develop our own habits and coping skills and when we aren’t aware/conscious of them, we take them with us into adulthood.

As a child, I was used to being quiet and trying to keep the peace, and just tried to stay under the radar- that was until puberty and hormones took over. Once I was a raging teenager, the big emotions and anger became a lot for me. What was confusing is that I’d see my parents have these explosive fights with one another, but then when I was angry or upset I was told I was “being dramatic,” or that I shouldn’t feel that way. I was shamed for having big emotions, yet my parents had them all the time!

When I was able to finally leave that environment, I thought all of my problems would disappear. I knew I’d be living with my best friend/life partner and I knew there wouldn’t be excessive drinking or insane fights. Although both of these things were true, my anxiety and mental health issues still came along for the ride. After months of struggling with my emotions and having pointless fits of rage, with the support of my boyfriend I finally decided to get help.

Although it wasn’t the easiest journey, I am forever grateful that I took matters into my own hands and did something for myself. This was the start of my healing, and I only recently have been able to see how far I’ve come. It’s important to take time to recognize and celebrate growth, and in taking time to reflect on this post, that is exactly what I’m doing.

I love life with my boyfriend, and now we live a very interdependent life. We can rely on each other for support and we enjoy helping one another. We no longer live a life where I am just leaning on him and expecting him to solve all of my problems. I know that I am responsible for my own problems and emotions, and he is not required to fix anything. And even though the plan is forever, I at least know that if something ever were to change, I’d survive on my own.

I find it is important in a partnership to truly listen to each others wants/needs, and be respectful, yet honest about what you can do for them. So many people struggle with mental health, and often times will rely on a partner to fix their problems, when they may also have unresolved issues of their own. There is no shame in seeking professional help, especially if it is to benefit your life and your relationship.

I am glad that I had the courage and support to start my healing journey, and I am proud of how I show up in my relationships today. Whether it’s with my boyfriend or with my friends, or even the relationship I have with myself, I remind myself that we are connected, but not attached. Even as great as I feel now, I am not attached to this version of myself, because I know I am an ever-evolving creature who will continue to learn and grow.