depression

Feeling feelings

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Been irritable lately and overthinking a lot. I had a fun weekend, but there were also parts that made me upset but I made sure to let it all go because we were celebrating a good friend for her bachelorette party.

I’ve been feeling people’s emotions and passive aggressiveness lately and it’s been draining. I also feel lack of communication is hurting a relationship right now, but I also don’t know how to address it and it’s not a good time at all. At this point it would be rude to do/say anything so I will just have to wait.

I am just tired right now and am ready to go to bed. I have to work tomorrow and honestly I am kind of excited to start off the month on a good note at work! I think my career life will be thriving soon, I just have to get through a couple months of fixing up quite a few issues.

Meh

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Yesterday was a bad mental health day. Although I was productive, I was feeling very “meh” all day and was just being very hard on myself. I am able to recognize when I am being hard on myself and when I’m overworking myself, but I can’t seem to stop it. My hardest struggle right now is the new job.

I love my new job, honestly! There’s just quite a few things that are similar to one of my previous jobs, and unfortunately it’s a bit triggering for me and my body. I’m not throwing up daily or anything like I did at the job I’m referring to, but there’s just an overwhelming amount of mistakes to fix again, and it feels like I’m drowning in it.

I find myself having difficulty sleeping again, and constantly dreaming about being at work. The good thing is that all of my coworkers and higher ups are very encouraging and are so pleased with me and they tell me daily that I’m doing a great job- and I know I am too- I just can’t help but feel like I’m never doing enough.

I feel like I mainly have this issue when I’m in leadership positions at work, because I feel like everything comes down on me (even though it’s not true because this is a team effort) and I put way to high of expectations on myself. I want to make sure no one is stressed, including myself, so I overwork myself trying to prevent anything from going wrong. The problem is, I keep walking into jobs where there is A LOT of clean up, so mainly everything is going wrong until I can fix it all.

I’m going to learn a balance; luckily my regional coach is always reminding me that they don’t want me to burn out. She told me that it’s very easy to want to work all day as there will always be stuff to do, but work/life balance is important. I just have to be better at setting myself a boundary so I stop over-working myself and stop making myself more anxious.

I need to write more

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I’m thinking about writing more in my blog. I don’t want to jump into daily writing right away, but even though overall I’m more busy with my job and life right now, I feel like writing daily could actually help me- reflecting on the day and focusing on positivity can really only benefit you, right?

I haven’t been writing any poetry, and when I say that I get upset with myself as that’s something I used to do often, and I was also proud of my work. Maybe I have a fear that I’ve lost my “touch” when it comes to poetry, or maybe even my emotions in a way. Writing poetry helped me a lot when I was younger and dealing with my childhood trauma, and once I finally was able to escape I feel like I just stopped writing.

I feel like my poetry used to be more “dark,” and I loved it that way, I just feel like I’ve been in such a better place now that I don’t want to go back and try to feel those emotions, just in order to write. I guess I should just start dabbling in some positive/inspirational poetry since that’s what people really need right now anyways!

If anyone reading this has any suggestions as to writing more in blogs, writing poetry, or just wants to share your thoughts, I am open to any and all suggestions! I hope you all enjoy your upcoming week.

Stressed, but blessed

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On Thursday night I hit a patch of icy snow in my car which caused it to veer out of control and my tire went off the road and the control arm snapped. Luckily no airbags deployed and I was the only one involved and I am not injured. My car, however, has over $7000 of damage (thank goodness for insurance).

Today my cat woke my boyfriend and I up and he was acting weird, and he had thrown up twice. I ended up taking him into the vet because last time I thought something was wrong it escalated fast and he had high kidney counts and a urinary blockage. This time around his PH levels in his urine are high, but kidney levels are normal. He does have a urinary blockage again, but he’s doing better and we will just have him on a prescription diet the rest of his life. We will be able to bring him home tomorrow if all goes as planned.

So far this year has taken an interesting turn, but I am truly blessed that everyone is okay. Of course my pockets are hurting a bit (the vet bill is over $1000), but money is just money, and there are more important things to stress about. Luckily, I will be starting my new job soon and will be making more money so I can pay off my credit card again ASAP.

I’m trying to keep positive spirits with everything being thrown my way, but I do have my moments where it’s all a bit overwhelming. I just remind myself that we’re all human, I am allowed to feel that way.

Late night post

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Changes may be coming, which is quite fitting for a new year. I had a phone interview for a new job last week and am going to be setting up an in person interview sometime this week! It would be for more pay and more responsibilities, and I am feeling very hopeful. The woman who interviewed me on the phone told me she was impressed with my experience, so we will see!

I’ve been having fun crafting still! I slowed down a bit since the holidays just ended, but I already have ideas ready for some (near) future projects! I’ve had some supportive friends order from me, and it honestly is such a nice feeling. I appreciate all of my friends and family, and their support of my crafting page.

I haven’t really come up with a “new years resolution,” but I am working on patience and finding inner peace. I am learning how to focus on the positive and be kinder to myself, which in turn should help me be kinder to others; not that I am mean to others, I just find myself judging others more than I’d like to admit.

Self-reflection is important if you want to improve and progress in life, but sometimes it can be a hard pill to swallow.

Oh 2020…

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This year has been a running joke for everyone. Nothing seems to be going right and the phrase “when it rains, it pours” is quite fitting as the theme of this year. We really all need to give ourselves a round of applause if we have made it this far.

After much debating and receiving a decent work bonus, I finally was able to purchase my Cricut Explore Air 2 Everything Bundle! Before that I paid off my credit card (again) and was feeling much more stable about finances and then… the furnace went out! Now my boyfriend and I have to drop $3500+ for a new furnace which of course isn’t ideal… but luckily for us he was just offered a promotion at work and he is receiving a pretty significant raise.

The past couple weeks at work have been hella stressful and overwhelming as the manager is training a bunch of new people so we are short-staffed at the front desk while she’s doing that. Not to mention we’re super busy so we’ve been falling so behind on scanning/prior authorizations etc. So in general I’ve been more on edge and irritable so when the furnace went out I was honestly quite livid. I just got angry and upset and I cried and it just felt like too much was going on.

After sitting and talking with my boyfriend about our options and getting a plan together, I am feeling much better and am just grateful that we have each other and that we’ve worked hard so we are able to do certain things when needed. We are We have to remember to count our blessings and try to focus on the good things. We have a roof over our heads, we are able to feed ourselves, we have clean running water… these are all wonderful things that are a privilege to have.

2020 has been quite a test on everyone, and it’s not over yet… but let’s try to take some good lessons out of this insane year. Your mindset is powerful, and even if you have to “fake it ‘til you make it,” it is important that we try to keep a positive mindset during these troublesome times. Our mind is powerful.

Another day

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Happy Monday! I am writing this from the break room at work as I was very busy yesterday and was too exhausted to post last night. This morning I was organizing ordering the bridesmaids dresses for my friends wedding in March as I am maid of honor, so that is why I didn’t post this morning.

Life has been busy which is good. I’m finally getting my car fixed after it was hit in July, so I’m driving around a 2020 Nissan Altima as my rental car for now. It’s a nice car but I definitely prefer my 2020 Sonata, which I should have back this week! My friend visited from WI this weekend and we went out to the bar which was nice and normal feeling.

Yesterday my friend had a “drive-by” baby shower as times are weird, but honestly I prefer those for baby showers because then you don’t have to sit there for hours watching them open all the gifts LOL. I feel like even when all this is over I’d prefer to do a drive-by baby shower in the future.

Speaking of which, my boyfriend and I revisited our plans/goals and we are going to try to start having children in a couple of years. We do still want to be married first, and we are currently not engaged, but our wedding plan is to elope in Aruba and we’ve already looked into a lot of it, so we are thinking the planning shouldn’t be too bad.

For the next couple years I plan to continue to work on my mental health. I am planning to wean off of my Cymbalta come Spring as I don’t want to risk coming off right into the winter months, but I’d like to not be on any prescriptions during pregnancy even if they are deemed to be “safe.” I’m still practicing the art of calmness and patience, and I know I will be doing that for the rest of my life, but I want to really dive into that over the next couple years to help prepare for motherhood.

Any tips/tricks/advice would be helpful! I love yoga but have been lacking at practicing, and I want to try meditation again as I feel like I’m at a better place now mentally that I was when I tried it before. I will keep you posted on that!

Early Sunday Morning

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This morning I was wide awake at 7am, and I went to bed after midnight so I am not entirely sure why, but I used this morning to put together a little lame crafty card for a friend as I feel she may need a pick me up. I’m terrible about reaching out to friends lately, but I’m trying to get better.

Fall has arrived which makes me very happy! I already started decorating the house because I think it will help prevent me from falling into my seasonal depression at least for now, as I’m not trying to mix together my pandemic depression and my seasonal depression; I mean I can only handle so much.

I feel that I’ve been able to do a lot of self-reflecting during this year and I honestly do feel like I’ve learned a lot about myself and I am really trying to be more grateful and express more love to those who are important to me. Life is so short and our time is never guaranteed, and I am trying to apply that to everyday life, but in a healthy way, not an anxious way.

Today I am hoping to pick up a good book or two from Barnes and Noble, and very likely a nice candle from Bath & Body Works. I can’t spend too much money right now so I have to keep that in mind when I go, but I really want to find a book on Empaths. I’m not looking for one in particular but rather seeing if any look interesting and/or beneficial to me.

Maybe I’ll post later with an update, but until that possible “later” I want to share a peak into my spooky house!

Patience

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I write this as I am sitting in the drive thru of dunkin’ donuts, patiently waiting to order my large iced dark roast with cream and a medium black cold brew for my boyfriend. I want a pick me up before the bridal shower I am going to attend today!

I am excited to see friends at the bridal shower and celebrate the bride-to-be! I put on a full face or makeup, which I also did yesterday when my boyfriend and I went ax throwing with a couple friends! It feels nice to do normal things and spend time with other people.

I am hopeful that one day life will go back to some sort of normal, although I can only pray that people will have learned how to be more patient and kind to one another. I want people to remember that we’re all humans going through our own struggles, and we are more alike than we think.

Lately I’ve been trying to take time every day to think about what I am grateful for, and it’s already made a difference in how I view life. I feel like in general I’m feeling more positive and happier, because I am taking time to actually think about things that make me happy and that I am blessed to have.

Take some time to think about what you’re grateful for today!

Wandering

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I feel like my mind is constantly wandering trying to find new interests and hobbies. I feel like even though I didn’t do much before quarantine, I need to do things now to keep me going. But at the same time, I feel such a lack of motivation because I always give up on everything that I try. I never stick with anything and it drives me insane (especially because I know I’m the only one who can change that).

To be honest I need to give myself a little credit, because both Yesterday and Saturday I did at-home workouts. And then today I went on not one, but two walks! I told myself I wanted to work our more so I actually started doing something about it. I just really know myself and I know how I always give up on things, so I’m hoping I can get passed that somehow this time around.

I want to start writing poetry again, but I haven’t felt motivated or inspired lately. I sometimes wonder if taking anxiety medication hinders my ability to write because I always loved writing when I was in a bad state of mine (aka high anxiety or depression). My anxiety medication has definitely helped me a lot, but I hope to one day come off of it.