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Celebrate Yourself
blogToday is Friday and I am so excited for the weekend! My boyfriend and I are attending a friend’s wedding tomorrow, but other than that I am free to relax and take some time for myself. After how busy last weekend was for me, I am happy to be able to slow it down a bit while still having the opportunity to see friends and have a good time!
I was doing a bit of reflecting yesterday and I am honestly so proud of how far I have come on my mental health journey; I was thinking about how I was when I first moved out with my boyfriend and it truly feels like night and day. I still have plenty of work to do, but now it doesn’t feel so daunting and impossible!
When I first removed myself from an environment of constant chaos and unpredictability, my body didn’t even know how to handle the calm, peaceful life I was entering. My nervous system was stuck in a state of turmoil and I always felt like my mind was racing and I was running with it! I could never sit still and relax, instead I’d hyper focus on tasks that “needed to be completed,” and I’d feel out of control if I ever took a minute to breathe.
I still have days where it’s hard for me to sit down and unwind, but now my boyfriend and I both have learned how to handle it better. For example, earlier in the week was rough for me- I was starting my period and this time around my hormones felt super out of whack and I was feeling depressed. I honestly haven’t felt that low in quite a while, but instead of giving into that feeling, I was able to remind myself that this is temporary and has a lot to do with my cycle. I didn’t sit and think that I was going to be depressed forever, and I didn’t give myself a hard time for it.
I had told my boyfriend that I was going on a walk, which he encouraged, but I kept stalling and saying that I had things to do around the house and he could tell I was feeling anxious and overwhelmed. He looked at me and said “you need to go on your walk, and only think about your walk while you’re on your walk.” He was right, and I knew that already but just hearing it from him and out loud was something that I needed. I ended up going on my walk and I felt so much better when I came home. I cleaned up what I needed to, I showered, and then he helped me cut up veggies for the big salad I was making for the week.
It’s incredible how much of an impact that walk had on me, and I understand why everything I read and listen to about mental health says it is important to move your body every day. For me, just walking for 30-40 minutes made life feel so much more bearable, and it was nice to take some time to myself.
I feel so very blessed every day to have a wonderful man by my side who has grown with me over the years, who has learned how I operate and how to help me when I am struggling, and who loves me every step of the way. I used to feel like my brain was on fire and I was such a raging b*tch to him even when I didn’t want to be, and I knew he didn’t deserve it which made me hate myself/my brain quite a bit.
Lucky for me, he always saw the real me underneath all of the anxiety; and now I can finally see me as well. I am forgiving myself for past mistakes as I now understand why I was the way I was, and my goal is to continue healing and keeping this relationship strong, as I know we will have a solid foundation for our future together and our future as parents. That is still a couple years down the road, but that just gives me more time to work on myself!
Make sure you take time to look at who you were five years ago and then look where you are today; we all love to hate on ourselves and feel like we aren’t moving forward, but it’s a much nicer habit to celebrate yourself! Look at how you handle certain situations compared to how your past self would! Give yourself credit where it is due, and make a plan for the things you still want to work on. You deserve a happy life!
12:34
blogI keep seeing all of my signs and synchronicities, and in a way they bring me peace. It reminds me that I am being present and aware, even if I don’t feel 100% myself right now. It’s been a rough couple of days, I’m feeling depressed which I really haven’t felt in a while, but I know it’s due to a number of things such as eating terribly and it’s also that time of the month.
My boyfriend had a good point as well, I bet it has something to do with the fact that I spent my entire weekend with a bunch of friends and family. I usually need a day or two to recover from large group events, but I left my family on Sunday and was back to work on Monday, so I never really took time for me. I think after work today I am going to try to get outside on a walk, as I always feel better when I soak up some sun. I know I’ll get through this, it’s just one day at a time.
Dear Universe, Thank you.
blogEvery day I feel so blessed with the life that I have. I have a happy, healthy relationship with the love of my life, we have our beautiful home together with our cats, and we both have jobs that we don’t hate that allow us to live the lives we do. If you asked me ten years ago what I wanted in life, I would have said “To still be living happily with my boyfriend and be financially stable;” seventeen-year-old me would be so proud!
As I grow older I am learning more and more about myself. I am working on prioritizing what makes me happy and focusing on what I want and need in my life. I am blessed to have genuine friendships and still have good relationships with family members, and I am also lucky to be developing this healthier relationship with myself. I have definitely come a long way from where I used to be, but sometimes I feel like I struggle with trusting myself and my intuition.
In my house growing up, there were many times where I felt as if I was being accused of things that I had never done, and I also was often told that I had no voice because I was the child. I had a lot of rage and confusion building inside me throughout my younger years, but I also feel like in a way I did always have some sense of clarity: I knew what I didn’t want in my future relationships, and I knew that I would raise my children differently.
I know my parents did the best they could with what they knew, but at the time I didn’t think of it that way. I just knew that I didn’t want to be like them. In a way, I guess maybe I have been able to trust myself and intuition, but I often cloud my own judgment with overthinking and anxiety. When I think about why I am that way, I assume it would be because I grew up in a chaotic, unpredictable environment, therefore I try to prepare for all worst-case scenarios (which actually just makes my anxiety worse)! In reality, what I need to do is let go of what I cannot control.
I have seen my improvement throughout the years, and I am so proud of how far I’ve come. I find it easier to recognize when I’m worried about something beyond my control, and I remind myself of what I can control… my mindset! Worrying never helps the situation, it truly only worsens it, so why would I continue to do that? Instead I can recognize it and remind myself that everything happens for a reason, and I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
It’s easy to go into the horrific “what-ifs” about failure and chaos, but how about we switch that and ask “what if it all works out?” Instead of limiting ourselves with the belief that everything will be scary and horrible, what if we think about how we can learn and grow from any difficult situation? I know that there are so many things beyond my control, so what if I decided to just let it all go? I was so tired of stressing over everything in my life and feeling like the weight of the world was on top of me, so I decided to put it down!
I’m not going to lie, I still have rough days (I mean, I am human), but I find it easier to let go of my anxiety. I will be working on that re-wiring in my brain forever, and in addition to that I am currently working on listening to my gut instincts and learning to trust myself fully. I think my first big step in this journey was starting to say “no” to things that I didn’t want to do. I try to make it a habit to give myself time before I commit to any events, such as saying “Let me get back to you,” rather than blurting out “yes” as the seasoned people-pleaser I was. I’d say “yes” in an attempt to make others happy/not disappoint others, but sometimes it was at my own expense.
After realizing that the stress from those situations was hurting my physical health, I decided that my time is my time, and I knew I had to set that boundary. I want to spend my life doing the things that I love and that I feel aligned with. Your life isn’t truly yours if you are living it for everyone else. I think it’s important to check in with ourselves and reflect on what it is we truly need in life to be happy. I don’t think there are many (if any) people who would say they didn’t want to live a happy life, and I truly believe we all deserve happiness!
Another Year Done
blogYesterday was my birthday, and I’ve decided to use that as my own personal “New Year” in a way. I wouldn’t say I am making any resolutions, but mainly just setting intentions. All of 2022 I have been trying to focus on self-love, and I plan to continue this journey, but it’s always good to come back to the drawing board and look at our priorities to see if they are the same or if we need to add/remove anything from the list.
I haven’t necessarily had a structured path along this journey, and that has been actually working well! Considering that I was a control freak and always have anxiety when plans change, I am pleasantly surprised by myself. What I’ve done is made sure that when I find myself with free time (or when I realize I’ve been scrolling on instagram for too long), I’ll ask internally “what do I want to do for myself?”
Now sometimes we have our guilty pleasures, such as watching reality TV or continuing to scroll through reels, but what about the things that make you feel good about yourself afterwards? I know that after I read a book, or even part of a book, I always feel good afterwards! I have taken time to give myself more knowledge and insight, and now I can use that information to keep growing.
I also always feel better after taking a walk outside. I often am also listening to some sort of inspirational podcast; currently I love listening to Jay Shetty and Gabrielle Bernstein, and I feel like I have learned so much simply listening to their shows. I find myself happier after I take time to sit and write, whether it’s in my physical journal, a long caption on an instagram reel, or a blog post!
Something I have been wanting to get into is meditation. This is something I somewhat attempted in the past, but I always felt like I had a racing mind and at the time it made me feel more anxious. After learning more about meditation, I’ve learned that it’s different for everyone and really anyone can do it- you just have to focus on your breath. This morning I did a 10-minute guided meditation from The Rising Circle’s Youtube channel, and I felt so relaxed afterwards! I want to try more guided meditations first and hopefully will be able to ease into my own personal meditation.
I know I always feel better after a good workout as well, I mean who doesn’t? I don’t necessarily want to push myself as I know I still have an obsessive/addictive personality, so I am trying to add at-home workouts into my routine. I am trying to find a healthy balance in my life, while not neglecting my physical health. When I was going to the gym, I was super hard on myself mentally if I ever missed a work out. I don’t want to be discouraging myself and being unhealthy about my goals and habits, so this is an area I am still working on.
As I get older I also want to take care of my health more, and I want to do this from the inside. I need to start eating at home more, and I recently downloaded an app my friend told me about that helps give meal suggestions. I signed up and chose a gradual change as I don’t want to overwhelm myself, and I’d rather be realistic than try to over-perform/achieve as is in my nature. Quick fixes don’t work, so I plan to take the slow approach.
Overall, I am staying focused on my goals and what is important to me. I want to continue to work on my health and mental health, as I deserve that. I also know I am a better girlfriend, friend and family me never when I am taking care of myself and setting boundaries, and I believe everyone I love deserves the best version of me.
Giving Grace
blogI did so well about starting my morning routine on Monday, but I haven’t been getting to bed early enough and that made it harder yesterday and today. Today I am up earlier than I was yesterday and I am here writing in my blog, so I count that as a victory!
Normally I am super hard on myself, but I am actively working on trying to give myself more grace and be the friend to me that I am to others. I have no problem reminding friends that we’re all human and it’s okay to deviate from plans or make mistakes, as long as we learn and grow, so why wouldn’t I deserve that same treatment?
Do I wish I would have stayed more consistent this week? Of course! But does that mean I should give up completely and call it a failure? Absolutely not! All I can try to do is be better than I was yesterday, and remind myself that I am doing this as a benefit to myself.
The goal tonight is to be off my phone by 9pm and asleep by 10pm, that way I can get my eight hours of sleep; this will make it easier for me to get up in the morning. I was normally in bed around 10pm for a while, but I think having Covid and sleeping all throughout the day kinda messed the schedule up.
A lot is going on around me lately that could be stress inducing, but I am doing my best to remember that I can only control my mindset and my reactions. Everything happens for a reason, and when things don’t work out, it’s usually because something better is on the horizon! All will happen as it should.
New Week, New Start
blogI decided to try out a new morning routine today. I am sitting at my kitchen table with a cup of coffee, water and my notebook. I wrote a bit in my journal, and now I am typing this on my phone as I left my laptop in the other room where my boyfriend is sleeping, and I figure this will be a relatively short post anyways as it’s about time for my stretching/workout!
I kept saying I wanted to start a new morning routine, but last week every time my alarm went off I just felt like I needed more sleep and hit that snooze button. I was also recovering from covid so I wanted to give my body the rest it needed. Now that I am finally feeling myself again, I made sure to push through the urge to snooze and got my ass up. I am not married to this set routine, but I have to start experimenting to see what works best for me!
I can already feel that this is going to be a good week! I am excited for what is to come, and to see how I feel after implementing this new plan! My intentions for the week are to stay focused on my current goals and stay positive! I hope everyone has a great week ahead!
Leo Season
blogI go back and forth between dabbling in the idea of astrology and horoscopes; it can be really fun looking for insight, even if the messages are vague and couple apply to many other people. Since I am a Leo and my birthday is in less than two weeks, I am deciding to be extra this month and celebrate myself during this season!
In reality I have been growing more confidence in myself and my choices, and I’m using this time to really explore this part of me and see where I can go! I know I love writing, so I am trying to write more! I also enjoy reading and podcasts, so I have also been making sure to take more time for those activities. I also decided that if I want to go swimming or roller blading and no one wants to go, I’m just going to do it anyways!
For the longest time I wouldn’t do things alone, mainly out of paranoia as I grew up in a home with helicopter parents and a mom who was obsessed with “The First 48” and “Nancy Grace,” but I also would worry about what others around me were thinking. But just as I don’t care what others around me are doing with their lives, they don’t care about mine! Strangers watching an almost 27-year-old roller blading alone at a rink may think I am being a child or may make an initial judgment, but who cares?
Well, apparently I did for the longest time, but I am realizing now that if you are living your life for other people, your life is not yours. We have to focus on what makes us happy. We have to focus on what our needs are. We have to focus on what our inner child needs from us, whether it’s speaking to or doing activities that bring healing and joy. Do what feels innately right for you, because you deserve it! And per some of the astrology stuff I have read, now is the season for everyone to do this! Leo season just started yesterday (7/22), so it is just getting started!
Ignorance or Negligence
blogI saw this disturbing article yesterday about a mom that has been accused of exploiting her three-year-old daughter on Tik Tok. The article featured other Tik Tok videos of women who were digging into the rabbit hole of her account. They were exposing the horrific comments that GROWN MEN were leaving on her videos, such as “do another bath video with less bathing suit” and other disgusting posts.
Others on social media say that the mom who is posting these videos of her daughter is definitely aware and sees these comments, yet still continues to post her to their millions of followers. There are videos including her in a bathing suit having bath time, as well as her trying to put a tampon in??? She is clothed but even so, how on earth is that necessary and why would you post that knowing there are sickening people on the internet, let alone on your page?!
I can understand that kids are kids and taking videos of them being adorable and loving is 100% normal; it makes sense to want to save these memories for yourself and to show them later! Also, wanting to share these memories with friends/family is normal and they all usually appreciate it! However, the random people on the internet who don’t know you or your child, they don’t need to see into your every day life. Most people can agree that it is absolutely NEVER okay to sexualize a child and this is a problem with “society,” but unfortunately this is the reality, and we have to live in the world as it is.
Child sex trafficking is happening in every U.S. State, as well as everywhere around the globe. I understand that ignorance can be bliss, but when it is YOUR CHILD who is involved, it is your duty as a parent to keep them safe! If you are aware of the risk, and you see 400,000 creepy men saving your toddlers videos, at what point does ignorance turn into negligence? Is the money and attention earned from posting her really worth risking her safety?
Speaking of monetization, the article I read also briefly discussed how there’s a lot of grey area with child labor laws and social media. Of course again, you assume or hope that a lot of the videos posted are honest moments that were caught on camera, but when you’re forcing your kids to do/say certain things for the camera while you’re being paid for the views, is that breaking a law?
Technically no, because they aren’t protected by any child labor laws… but that doesn’t mean that will last forever. Another thought I had was what if those children turn 18 and then decide they want to sue their parents for all the money they made off of them? Could they do that? Children can’t make certain decisions and they aren’t considered an “adult” until 18, so could they sue for exploitation?
It’s impossible to know what the future holds; I’d like to believe that most people are doing their best with the information and resources they have, but when I see innocent children being put in harms way it sometimes makes it harder to believe that. I hope to be a parent one day, and although it is impossible to protect them from everything, there are still reasonable, common sense steps that can, and should be taken. Likes, follows, attention, money… none of that is worth a child’s safety. #SaveOurChildren #RISEUPGETLOUD
SOURCES: https://www.dailydot.com/irl/wren-eleanor-exploitation-tiktok/ https://www.unicefusa.org/child-trafficking-us
Check out these organizations working hard to Save Our Children:
Our Rescue: https://www.ourrescue.org/ Thorn: https://www.thorn.org/ CAST: https://www.castla.org/
Health Update
blogAfter two years of getting through the pandemic without catching covid, I finally tested positive last week. I went to the immediate care because I thought I had a double ear infection and/or a sinus infection because my whole head felt like I was underwater; when I blew my nose I could hear cracking and there was so much pressure behind my ears it was insane.
Not to mention the never-ending headaches were something else, it hurt just to move my eyes around in my head. I felt super fatigued and overall just like garbage. My boyfriend also unfortunately came down with symptoms as well; he had a low-grade fever and he actually threw up a couple of times during our quarantine.
I will say we are extremely blessed to have had relatively minor cases and I’m also glad we know so much more about Covid now compared to two years ago. We knew just to stay inside and rest, drink plenty of water, and we also supplemented with Vitamin D and Zinc. I tried to make sure I was eating healthier options, although I definitely door-dashed some McDonalds (hey, I’m only human)!
I am back to work tomorrow and have a doctors appointment on Wednesday to follow up with my OB. I had originally made an appointment with her as I’ve been having excruciating pain during my ovulation and I want to make sure I don’t have cysts or something else going on. The pain happened the last two cycles and it had happened once earlier in the year as well, but it definitely doesn’t feel normal. I’m hoping she will order an ultrasound so that they can look at my uterus/ovaries and make sure everything is okay.
I also want to talk to her about the possible chemical pregnancy that I had earlier this month. I had some weird PMS this time around and was having some nausea and was crying at almost everything which isn’t like my normal PMS, so when it was a day late I decided to take an early response test and it had a faint positive. Now knowing that chemical pregnancies are a thing and the fact that it was very faint, I didn’t get too excited or nervous because I just felt like nothing was confirmed.
The next day I decided to take another early response test to see if it was positive, and it was very clearly negative, and then the following day I got my period. The OB still ordered a blood HCG test which was negative as well. When I talked to the nurse at my OB’s office she let me know that it was either a false positive or a chemical pregnancy, which is basically when the embryo formed but didn’t continue developing. I truly feel like it was a chemical pregnancy just due to all of the weird symptoms I was having, but there really isn’t a way to know for sure.
I just want to make sure I am taking care of myself and my health so that in the future we can hopefully have healthy children of our own. I know that often people struggle to get pregnant, so it would be nice to know if I will have difficulties just so we can be somewhat prepared.
I know that everything happens for a reason, and I am exactly where I am supposed to be, so I am not too worried; worrying doesn’t change the outcome anyways. I am blessed to have such a great life partner who I got to quarantine with, and I’m glad we have advances in health and technology which will help me if ever needed in the future. I’m also super grateful that I am recovering and will feel 100% heading into Leo Season!! My birthday is less than two weeks away and I am here to celebrate! Here’s to a great week ahead!
finding light in the dark 