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Sunny Sunday

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I will always be grateful when the sun is shining- today the sun was shining all day and it was 60 degrees out! I went on a walk, talked to my mom and one of my good friends… nothing too terribly interesting, but also very much enjoyed every activity I did today.

Lately the boyfriend and I have been able to pay off some bills of ours and thanks to the stimulus check we were able to pay a good chunk of cash towards a loan we took out for our miata. Since were both blessed to still be working we want to use any extra money we get to pay off our debts.

I’ve been doing decluttering around the house. This weekend I tackled the whole bathroom closet, the baker’s rack, and purged the pantries/fridge of things that had expired. It feels great getting rid of things that aren’t needed and creating a more organized space.

Yesterday and today I decided to play around with my makeup a bit since I got a new palette from E.L.F. (highly recommend- affordable and impressive product). It’s fun learning how to do eye shadow and contour, and it also forces me to wash my face every night, which I struggle at for some reason.

Taking this time to catch up on bills and cleaning up the house is really satisfying. I feel like I’m successfully adulting, and I can’t wait until I can reward myself with a trip to the nail salon (or a trip to Hawaii… whatever works)!

Easter Sunday

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I remember loving Easter as a kid. I’d have Easter at home with my parents and I’d look around the apartment for my eggs and basket. After that we’d always go over to my Grandparents house and my cousins were usually in town so we could all search for our eggs and baskets together.

I’m sure Easter will be fun again once I have kids of my own. Neither my boyfriend nor I are religious, but I was raised Christian and I did go to church when I was younger, but I never remember doing any Easter mass or anything. I’ll make sure my children do understand the holiday and the meaning behind it- I’m sure then they’ll start asking why there’s a big bunny involved LOL.

Today I am feeling a little restless. I think it’s because we’re supposed to go do a birthday parade for my boyfriend’s grandfather, but we don’t have a set time yet and that’s really making me anxious. I already hate that we just found out about this yesterday, but I’m even more irritable today because it’s already 11am and we still have no clue when this is happening. I’m trying to go with the flow of things but it’s just not always easy for me.

I also haven’t taken my medication yet this morning which probably has a little to do with the irritability. Now that I’m strictly on an anxiety medication (rather than with the anti-depressant), I definitely notice my short temper returning. I’m somewhat upset about it, but also I think it’s a good thing because this has always been a part of me and I need to embrace it to be able to work through it.

I will say that I notice when the dose or this one wears off; not right away, but usually I find that I’m being angry or irrational for no reason, and then I remember to take the second dose. I need to put an alarm in my phone for it because I’m used to only taking a pill in the morning, so taking another dose later is hard for me to get used to and remember.

It’s nice and sunny out so I’m gonna go on a walk while my boyfriend goes to his personal training session. My best friend is going to Facetime me after my walk so we can chat and check in with each other during this weird time- I can’t wait for us to be able to go grab a coffee and just walk through the city again. Until then, we will make the best of the current situation.

When this is over

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When this is over, people will be more friendly. Strangers will say “hello!” and engage in polite conversation, rather than just faking smiles or simply not making eye contact.

When this is over, people will reach out to their friends and loved ones more often. Family members will catch up and have meaningful discussions, without being distracted by their devices.

When this is over, people will be nicer to themselves. The constant self-doubt and loathing will disappear, and instead self-care and confidence will take over.

When this is over, people will enjoy concerts and festivals more than ever and will learn to live those moments to the fullest, rather than recording and taking pictures to post for irrelevant “likes.”

I hope that during this time people are working on themselves and improving aspects of their lives as best as they can in their situations. I hope people are self-reflecting and realizing what is truly important to them, and what makes them genuinely happy.

We never know what life will throw at us, but having good people beside us when it gets hard makes it all a bit easier. More importantly, we are the only ones who are guaranteed to be by our side the entire time, therefore it is crucial that we love and care for ourselves. ♡

Little bits of happiness.

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The sun has been shining all weekend long, and the weather has been in the 50s and 60s which has been great! Friday after work I went on a bike ride and then today I went on a walk through the park while listening to some good music. I’ve always said how being outside makes me feel so much better, and I’m grateful that I was able to experience that this weekend.

I started writing a poem the other night which made me feel happy- I haven’t really been hit with the inspiration and motivation to just stop what I’m doing and start writing in a while. There’s a lot of more time in the day today, and I’m sure my boyfriend will want to play video games so I’m going to sit down and do some writing.

I kind of want to mess around with my makeup today too, because why not? Or maybe I should declutter and reorganize a new area of the house. I mean, I guess I could do both if I really wanted to. We will see where the day takes me! I hope everyone else finds something to be happy about today. ♡

For you.

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This morning I did a kettlebell workout and also used my WonderCore- ya know, since I purchased it over a year ago and have only used it a handful of times. It feels great dedicating time to myself and knowing that it is only going to benefit me. I made sure to wash my face and moisturize, and I’m taking daily vitamins which again, will only benefit me.

One of the best parts of working out is listening to music and getting pumped up before and during the workout. I love listening to music, and discovering new songs and artists. I have Apple Music and I will usually just throw on R&B radio station and anyone that that I like, I just download their album, although there is a lot of R&B that I don’t like to workout to.

Often times I listen to music when I’m writing (as I’m writing this right now Jhené Aiko is playing in the background. Music has always been important in my life, as it is for most. I love to sing, and although I don’t currently play any instruments, I have an interest in learning piano, but also in making music on the computer with beats and what not (can you tell I know so much about it LOL)!

I also enjoy dancing, and lately I’ve been teaching myself how to dance with a hula hoop. I can’t wait for the sun to come out and warm weather so that I can practice outside and not have to worry about breaking stuff in the house and/or scaring my cats. For now, while it is grey and cold outside, I will continue to work on myself, both physically and mentally.

“Untitled”

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Trying not to get sucked into the negativity with everything that’s going on right now is just about impossible… but I’m really trying to practice self care during this time (which is why I’m writing this right now). I could definitely do better at eating healthy, but I am happy that I’ve been doing at-home workouts and I’ve been taking care of my skin. Working on yourself matters, and it’s important to develop healthy habits.

I’m not going to lie, I fucking hate this quarantine shit and how weird everything is right now. I miss being able to just get on the train to the city to visit one of my best friends and just being able to explore the city or go to the arcade bar or do whatever without having to worry about this insane virus. I miss being able to call up an old friend and go meet up for lunch. I just know when this is over, many people will start being more grateful for those things.

What’s even worse is the fact that so many people have lost their jobs during this pandemic, including a lot of my staff. I am lucky to be working right now, and I’m happy that my boyfriend is also working. We have a lot to be thankful for during this time, and I don’t want to take it for granted. We can continue to pay our bills, we can feed ourselves and our cats, and we get to spend more time together! In a way I feel guilty for being able to work all of my hours… but also, I have worked my ass off at this job and I’ve been the most stressed that I’ve ever been, so in a way I have earned this. Now is finally the time that I am catching up and cleaning things up at the office!

I hope people start staying home so we can get though this virus and flatten the curve and go back to normalcy. Remember that we are all in this together, and there are many people that are struggling right now. I have friends who have had to postpone their weddings. A family member of mine just went into labor at 28 weeks and gave birth to an almost 3lb baby girl, and as if that isn’t scary enough, we’re in the middle of a pandemic! No matter what you’re going through, we just remember we are all living through this coronavirus outbreak together.

People are dying from this virus, and what’s terrifying is that people can not have symptoms and can just be spreading it everywhere without knowing. Social distancing signs areeverywhere, and it surprises me how people act in grocery stores towards each other now (personally, I love social distancing 6+ft apart and think we should always do this); everyone acts like they are scared of the other people.

I will say, it is nice when you make eye contact with someone and they just smile, even in the midst of all this shit, they still gave the effort to smile at a stranger- return the smile and go on and share one with someone else. The little things matter and you never know how you can help someone without even knowing it. It’s kind of a dark time, so let’s try to brighten it up a little bit.

Stuck inside

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Well, so much for this being my time to travel! Being inside isn’t exactly my favorite thing, but I’ve been trying to be productive! This morning I did a workout downstairs in my woman cave, and I did a load of towels and have just been slowing organizing the house. I mean if I’m here and have nothing else to do, I might as well clean up and be productive!

I am happy to see that there are still people being positive during these times, because I feel like we need that more than ever. One of my friends decided to pick up some rocks and bricks around her neighborhood and paint them and then put them back out around the community! It’s something small, but it could make someone’s day who’s just on a walk.

Another great thing is that one of my good friends who has been struggling to get pregnant just announced that her and her husband are having a baby in October! I am so happy for them; they’re just such great people and I just know they will be amazing parents. They deserve the absolute best, and amongst all the shit that’s going on the in world, they are defying odds and making miracles happen.

Feel free to share any good news stories or something you’re proud of. Let’s remember that we are all in this together and there’s no point in being negative and upset when we have no control over what is happening.

Weird World

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I feel like we’re in an endless episode of black mirror; it feels like we’re in some alternate universe. The stores are more empty than ever before, there’s barely any traffic, and it’s eerily quiet outside. I have so many thoughts but I seem to focus on any of them for more than a few minutes.

Our state just issued a shelter in place that starts at 5pm today. We can still go to grocery stores, work, pharmacies, and gas stations- but other than that many places are closed and we are all to stay inside to prevent the spread of coronavirus. I understand that we don’t want this to spread, and many people are dying from this in other countries, it just really feels like there’s more going on than just the virus.

My dad was always into conspiracy theories, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think he may have passed some of that onto me. No, I’m not crazy and I understand that conspiracies aren’t always reality, but sometimes you can’t help but question certain things. I think that there’s something much bigger going on than this virus, and this just happens to be a great way to instill fear in people so we are more willing to give up rights; but I digress.

I decided to work on my woman cave yesterday. I might as well have a space that I love to be in if we have to quarantine for weeks! It honestly will be nice to spend time with my boyfriend and the cats; I feel like it’s good for humanity to take a step back and remember what is truly important in life. I don’t want to just sulk around when all of this is happening- I feel it is important to stay positive and keep looking at the bright side.

It is what it is.

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I bought a roundtrip flight to Denver for the end of April a few days ago and have zero regrets. I know there are a lot of travel restrictions right now, and I know there are bans on large gatherings in places, but I am not scared to go to Denver- worst case they cancel my flight and I lose out on $75, but I couldn’t care less.

I’m honestly annoyed by the mass hysteria and still confused about the toilet paper shortage and it’s making me so crabby and bitchy and I hate it. I don’t want to let other people have an effect on my attitude, but I literally am so disappointed in humanity right now.

I’m upset that idiots have gone out and decided to buy up all the toilet paper/tissues/clorox wipes/etc. I am also upset that my friends who are mothers are struggling to find baby wipes and formula because those who were fortunate enough to be able to panic buy in bulk didn’t think about the other humans on this planet.

I’m tired of the politics behind the virus as well, and how coincidentally all of these flus/viruses such as swine flu and ebola all come out around election time (which reminds me, don’t forget to vote in the primary’s Tuesday)! I think it’s stupid for anyone in power to shut down all businesses and ban the sale of guns/ammunition. I think that there are too many things being done that actually have nothing to do with the virus, and I feel people are using it as a way to fear monger and also pass unnecessary laws.

I feel for my server friends out there who rely on tips for their bills. I also feel for the employees of grocery stores who have to deal with angry, demanding assholes. Luckily they still have jobs, but their hours are being cut left and right as businesses close early or change hours as they have no time to re-stock. I can only imagine what nurses and doctors and other healthcare staff are going through right now. I feel lucky to still have a job during this time, and am grateful that I have money saved as well.

I want to stop having such a cynical, angry mindset about this whole thing. I need to focus more on what I do have and what I’m thankful for during this interesting time in the world. If we have a mandatory quarantine, at least I’ll be home with my best friend and my cats. ♡

Reflections

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We’re driving back from the Dells right now; everyone’s tired and ready for a shower at this point. We honestly had a blast yesterday/last night and I’m surprised that I’m not hungover right now. I probably drank more than I ever have before, and I even was mixing alcohol which is normally a huge no, but apparently 24-year-old me can handle more than 22-year-old me somehow!

Letting loose was fun, especially since I feel like I’m always uptight and anxious lately. Being able to just forget about work and reality for a day always feels like a good reset… especially after a shitty week. On Friday there was so much chaos in the office that I missed our pilates lesson, which of course didn’t help my shitty mood, but luckily I got to see my therapist after work.

I feel like our session was productive, but I’m also a bit frustrated because now I need to go back to my doctor (and I literally just saw one on Wednesday because I have a sinus infection) and start coming off of my current anxiety medication and start a new one. I know it’s the best thing for me right now, I’m just not very patient. I would rather just stop cold turkey and start a new one, but obviously that’s not a great choice and it would most likely make things worse.

We talked about how a lot of my anxiety comes from work and we talked about the work environment and I’m honestly a little worried that this may not be my forever job. I am not giving up, and I don’t plan to leave anytime soon, but I have to think long term and how things are going to go down the line and if there are things that I’m always uncomfortable with that are out of my control, then it may be time to look elsewhere. My therapist said that she had recently read about how sometimes our bodies/selves just cannot adapt to a certain environment. For me, I feel like if I can’t adapt then I have failed, but I also know that’s not the case.

I keep getting aggravated with myself because I don’t understand why I am so hard on myself and why I overthink everything all the time. Well, I guess I kind of do understand why I’m this way just based on my childhood and what my therapist and I have discussed, but I wish I had more control. It sounds stupid, but I don’t feel like I have control over my brain/thoughts most of the time. If I did, I wouldn’t be wasting most of my life worrying about work or death or being late to something or any other thing that takes away from my peace or happiness.

I need to find my peace and learn how to live there. I feel that I’ve just made my boyfriend my “peace” and I need to find peace in myself. I have no issue being alone, and I consider myself to be pretty independent, but I’m also very tense and chaotic all the time that finding any calmness within me seems impossible. I know working out and yoga is good for me and will likely help me when it comes to finding my inner peace, but lately I feel too exhausted to do anything and I choose sleep over most things.

Once it gets warmer, which it should soon, I’ll be able to get outside more and that always makes me feel better. Whether it’s a walk through the park or hiking trails or just going to the neighborhood pool, being outdoors always gives me some sense of inner peace. I’m sure it’s because when I was a child, being outside was my escape from the chaos inside our home. I was always outside with my friends/neighbors climbing trees or riding bikes; life was always better outside.