positive

Non-judgement

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As humans it’s so easy for us to make snap judgments about others or about situations going on, but in reality, we never know the full extent of what someone is going through. I do not know what is best for anyone else, as I have not lived their life, felt their traumas, or experienced their childhood.

I can truly only know what’s best for myself, and even that doesn’t come through judgment, it comes from listening to myself and becoming self aware. When we judge ourselves harshly, we tend to project that same judgement outwards into the world, and that is something I’ve been working on.

I recognize that we were all just human beings doing our best with what we know, and we deserve grace. Of course, it’s important to acknowledge our own toxic habits and traits if we wish to not hurt others or ourselves, but amongst the healing and learning we are allowed to fuck up. perfection is not real or attainable; the authentic beauty is in the failures and imperfections.

So stop being so hard on yourself. Let go of that shame that you hold onto so dearly that tells you you’re not enough. Stop worrying about how others live their lives, and start living your life with intention.

Do what makes you happy, even if others have something to say out about it. and when you feel judged or like someone isn’t being authentic with you, just remember that what we reject in ourselves, we project onto others. Someone else’s judgment about you has a lot more to do with themselves…so just live life for you!

It’s 5am on Sunday…

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…And my boyfriend and I just woke up to the sound of our cat puking on our bed. I guess technically that was 15 min ago as I got up to wipe it all up and threw our comforter into the wash. I am not happy with the situation, however I am glad I was able to get up and move around relatively quickly! My back pain isn’t completely gone, but I feel the steroid pack I’m taking has helped a lot!

I’m also trying to look at the other bright sides here: we have a washing machine at home, so I was able to wash our blanket immediately. Also, we do not work today, so it’s not like I have to go back to sleep and get up to an alarm. We also have spare comforters so I was able to just grab a clean one for my boyfriend and I to use now. Lastly, my cat does not appear to be sick or ill, just had a bit of an episode.

It’s easy to fall into an angry spiral, and I am proud of myself and my brain for being able to recognize things to be grateful for in times of stress. I definitely don’t always do this, and stressors sometimes get me in a low mood for a while, but as I keep practicing and becoming more self-aware, the more resilient I will be when life inevitably sends obstacles my way.

On a side note, I am very much recognizing that people will treat you/respond to you in ways that may not necessarily make sense, but it is all coming from their own personal perspective. Something I say could easily offend someone, even if there was no ill-intention or malice anywhere in what I was saying, but it’s not my job to tip toe around others in the world. If the conversation (or lack thereof) is between adults, both are responsible for communicating.

I know in the past if I was bothered or hurt by someone, I would just run and talk to my boyfriend about it or my mom, or sometimes even another friend, but what good does that do? How is that helping the situation at hand? If there is no communication with the one who bothered me, how will they know I was bothered? They can’t read my mind! The only way to solve this situation would be to go straight to the source and discuss how you feel.

Now I am no expert at this at all, this is just something I am learning and recognizing in life. We all respond to things based on our own triggers and life issues, but it is no one else’s job to know what bothers me, it is their job to know what bothers them and what they’re willing to tolerate. It is my job to express my emotions and tell others if I feel triggered by their actions, and how they respond is something I can take note of.

Becoming self-aware is rewarding and also somewhat annoying. It’s easy for me to get irritated with my own triggers and my own emotions, but also as I learn where they stem from I can do my best to look at that through an adult lens and give myself grace for this childhood habits I have. I find I get very upset when I feel misunderstood or when I feel someone is trying to make me out to be a certain way, when I know who I am.

-TRIGGER WARNING: mention of self-harm-

I know this stems from the lack of trust my parents had for me, and at times in childhood I felt very emotionally alone because my own parents couldn’t understand my emotions, and it didn’t feel like they tried to. I’m sure they see it a different way, but I always remember any anger or sadness I had being met with “you’re so dramatic” or when my drunk father told me to go slit my wrists.

The worst part is that he (and my mother) very likely has no recollection of this, so that experience for me will never be validated or discussed. I feel if I ever brought that up today, that he’d deny it up and down, make me doubt my own reality, or he’d probably tell me to slit my wrists again and say “see, now I told you too!”

This is one of those people that I have had to set my own boundaries with, as he is not one to respect any if he doesn’t agree with them. It was my choice to move further out of town. It is my choice that I refuse to talk to both of my parents in the evening, as I know they’ve been drinking. It is my choice to work through these traumas with a therapist and through writing, as I know I can reap the benefits of healing without having to deal with the emotional stress of having my reality continuously denied.

In reality, there are people who will actively listen and try to understand you and where you’re coming from, and there are others who will say/do anything to deflect blame or deny. It’s up to you to recognize who is worth your time and energy when it comes to those exchanges. I am very aware that a conversation with my parents who are very against therapy/mental health/healing would be like talking to a wall: endless frustration with no hopes of progress (aka a waste of time).

I do, however, have good friends who will listen and who I actively listen to in order for us to grow and solve issues. I can’t say it’s always easy, because some are definitely more approachable than others, but the true friendships are worth fighting for. For me, if someone is willing to listen and actually try to understand my triggers or my point of view, I want to do the same for them.

I feel that relationships thrive when there is open communication, compassion, and trust. True friendships and/or romantic relationships will always have their hard times, but the communication within those relationships is what makes or breaks the bond. The acknowledgment of your own faults or how you may have hurt someone else is HUGE in this as well. If you are unable to see or acknowledge how you’ve hurt someone, that conversation (and maybe even friendship/relationship) is not going to last.

We are all capable of hurting others feelings, whether we mean to or not. This is again where that open communication comes in. Be willing to listen and feel what the other person is saying, and pause. Remember that their triggers are likely different than yours, and even if you didn’t mean to hurt someone, if they feel hurt by you and you value that relationship then you should listen and do some self-reflection. It is also important that you are able to share your own perspective/thoughts on the matter, but just make sure you’re not invalidating that person’s feelings or experience, as you don’t live in their head, and you don’t truly know how they feel.

We all have our share of childhood trauma that has fortunately or unfortunately built us into the people we are today. As adults, it is our job to become self-aware and learn how to communicate with our loved ones, as well as how to set proper boundaries that help keep yourself and others safe. If someone is unwilling to listen or understand your boundaries, then it may be time to take a break or let them go. The most self-aware we become, the easier it is to listen to our intuition.

Overall, I forgot I started this post talking about cat puke LOL! Man, did I take a few turns along the way. Either way, people see you as they see themselves, which is a great reason to turn to self improvement and self love; the more you love yourself, the easier it is to love and see the good in others. And when someone says something rude or comes at you seemingly unprovoked, remember that it has to do with what that person is going through, it rarely has anything to do with you directly.

Twenty-Eight

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Today is my birthday, and I have made it 28 years around the sun. In the best way, I still feel very young. Sometimes I wonder how I am able to find balance between being a responsible adult and still enjoying the magic of the world as a child would, but then I think about how this seems like a natural state to me. I have always been highly sensitive, and I believe that allows me to experience those same levels of joy and excitement that young children do over seemingly “small” joys. Seeing cows or horses out of my window while driving still brings me the same level of happiness that it did when I was younger, and I even feel the same childlike joy that arises when I get an M&M Blizzard. Today I was excited to have a free drink from Starbucks and was able to treat myself to my newest guilty pleasure, and this honestly already made my whole day! Being present and aware of my happiness has been important for me, as I used to focus on my anxiety and despair, and I truly believe that mindset shift has changed my life for the better.

I had heard the saying “energy goes where focus flows,” and then after learning about the Reticular Activating System (RAS) in our brains, it made complete sense. Our RAS is a magical tool, as it works based on what we are feeding it. For example, when you are shopping around for a new car, typically you start seeing the car you’re interested in everywhere you go. Or when you are trying to conceive, you may feel like you are seeing pregnant women everywhere, but in reality there aren’t really more pregnant people, instead your RAS is just focused on that right now. When I was first struggling with my panic attacks and severe anxiety, all I could think about is how “horrible” my brain was and how “crazy” I was, and that was really all I could see. It didn’t matter when my boyfriend or my friends told me I wasn’t, I had told my mind that it was true, and now it was doing everything to focus on what made that true. Once I was able to recognize this (which was several years into my therapy/healing journey) my life changed for the better, and gratitude ended up being a huge help.

I recently listened to an episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast where she discussed the difference between being thankful and grateful. What I took away from this episode was that feeling gratitude is much more powerful than just being thankful, because in the gratitude you truly feel it. As I sit here at my kitchen table, I am thankful that I have a laptop to type this on and that I can afford my WordPress subscription, but it is not until I truly pause and focus on the true magic within these privileges that I have that I can step into gratitude. I also had a close friend tell me about what her therapist taught her, and she said that when practicing gratitude to think about events or specific memories where you felt overwhelmed with happiness so that you can easily step into that feeling. It is when we step into the joy and love that we get aligned with ourselves and we can access that magic in the world. Now when I see my signs such as repeating numbers or bunnies, I can feel the ping of joy in my heart, and I allow myself to feel grateful in those moments.

This year I plan to continue on this healing and self-love journey, as I can see the progress I have made. I know when I need to isolate and take time for myself, and I no longer feel guilty for it. I am better at speaking up when I am bothered, but I am also recognizing when it is not necessary to share an opinion. It all comes down to not only how I feel, but if it directly impacts me or my life. I am actively working on practicing non-judgement with myself, and this will inevitably spill out to the world around me. I deserve to feel happy, and I deserve to do what makes me feel good as long as it is not harmful to myself or my dreams. I honestly believe that everyone deserves to feel good, and although it may mean working through the traumas and toxic traits, I promise the end result is worth it. We deserve love and happiness in this lifetime, so I intend to seek it and be it. Cheers to 28 years!

Good morning Monday

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I’m starting this week off right by slowing it down this morning. I gave myself time to stretch this morning and now I am sitting at the table, drinking my greens and writing this post! My boyfriend and I decided to try some vegan, powdered greens supplement so this is the first time I’ve had it and it honestly tastes pretty good!

This weekend I was able to see a few good friends and make some awesome memories. My best friend took me to the sunflower field as an early birthday gift which was so beautiful and fun! I also was able to attend my other friend’s daughter’s 2nd birthday party, which was 70s themed so of course I had to dress up for the occasion.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I worked on some decluttering and rearranging a couple rooms in the house, which honestly made me feel very happy and productive! We were able to just jam out to good music and get shit done, and boy did I sleep well last night LOL.

Now it’s time for a new week, and I have more exciting plans this coming weekend! This week I will focus on getting ahead at work since I decided to take off next Monday for my birthday, and then after work is for continuing to clean and make sure everything is ready for the weekend! In between all of that, the focus is finding joy and gratitude in every day, because this life is a blessing and I plan to see it that way.

Sending love to all this Monday, and I hope you have a wonderful week ahead!

Today’s Instagram Post:

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THIS!! This is hard ass work and I understand why most people don’t want to do this, ESPECIALLY when there are already issues of self-doubt and negative self-talk. If you’re already feeling low and critical of yourself, why would you want to sit and learn about how terrible you really are??

In reality that is how it can feel, but the most important thing I have learned over these past few years in my healing journey is to be able to observe myself with compassion and understanding, rather than harsh judgments. I know that may sound impossible, and for me it definitely felt like it was at first, but once I was able to recognize and learn about the brain and how so much can stem from childhood / past traumas, I was able to understand my patterns and where certain behaviors came from.

I have been lucky enough to have been able to find a therapist who I love, but know that unfortunately not everyone has access to a good therapist. I am glad there are apps like “Better Help” to allow people to have a more affordable option for therapy, but there are other options that have personally helped me as well.

Finding @the.holistic.psychologist here on instagram was a game-changer, and then realizing she has a podcast (@selfhealers.soundboard) and books (@howtodothework and @howtomeetyourself and her new one coming out @howtobetheloveyouseek) just opened the door to non-judgment and self-awareness. She has so much knowledge and experience and shares it with everyone for little to zero charge! I also have had amazing realizations when listening to other podcasts such as @themelrobbinspodcast, @jayshettypodcast and @deargabbypodcast! those are only a small amount of the millions of podcasts out and available for all to listen to!

I truly believe that once we can truly learn about ourselves and learn to see ourselves through the lens of non-judgment and compassion, that is when we can allow ourselves to truly heal and be free. I also know that it’s then easier to see others with compassion, as most of our judgment of others stems from something within ourselves (yeah I know… that one hurts).

Sending love and healing to all on their journey- you got this! 🤍✨

New Moon / Healing Blocks

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The new moon is upon us, and according to the fun astrology Instagram accounts I follow, it is time to turn inward and release blocks that are stopping me from my dreams. I know there is still deeper healing to do, and I maybe have been avoiding it, but I know that this will be beneficial for my in the long run. I am a sensitive person and I feel emotions very deeply; my mom and aunt always said growing up that we are “Empaths,” for those who believe in those sort of things. I am learning to embrace the idea of being sensitive and having heightened emotions/feelings, while also trying to overcome a childhood where I was shamed for being these things.

A lot of the chaos and internal battles likely stem from the confusing messages that I received as a child. As my brain was developing along with my self-esteem, I had one parent who was trying to be encouraging and empathetic towards certain feelings, and I had another one who would tell me I was “dramatic” or I was always “overreacting” to certain situations. It definitely didn’t help that I was quite sheltered and felt overly-monitored, but also I was being controlled by adults who seemed to be out of control.

I know that all parents are doing their best with what they know, and I know that my parents love me dearly and felt they were doing everything they needed in order to keep me safe. I do appreciate the fact that I had two-parents in the home, and although they both worked, they were also home most of the rest of the time, so I did have time with them. Unfortunately, I don’t have many childhood memories (likely due to hypervigilance) and currently in my life I can tell I am still holding onto some anger and resentment, which is likely causing some of my blocks.

I feel angry for the younger part of me that didn’t feel protected, while also being over-protected. She felt like the emotional punching bag for her father, that is whenever he decided to participate in the family. At age seven, the family got a computer, and it felt like she lost her dad at that point. If he wasn’t sleeping or at work, he was sitting in front of the screen. Looking back now, I know that my mother was doing the same thing, but with the television. Part of the difference was that her and I could at least talk and bond over some shows, while it felt like my father drifted further away from any bonding. It felt like he only wanted to participate in conversation when it had to do with judging my life or my choices, or giving criticism to how I handled my emotions.

Looking at this now, I know it is because both of my parents had no clue how to handle or deal with their own big emotions in a healthy way, so they had no clue how to model or teach me something they didn’t even know. Although my younger, sensitive self would have appreciated some gentle parenting or emotional support, I know that I can give that to myself now. I can validate my own emotions, and I can admire that I feel emotions very fully and deeply. The fact that I can listen to and step into how someone may feel in their own situation is a gift, as I can empathize with and validate how they may feel, and it also allows for a deeper human connection.

Many people just want to feel seen and heard and understood, or at least have someone be open to listen to their perspective…I would love to be able to give that to others, and I know now that is because that I what I needed as a child. I want to put forth effort to acknowledge and show compassion to my own emotions, as that is what I need and deserve. Honestly, I get sad when I think about that I cannot express certain things or feelings to family and those who should be closest to me, but at the same time, it was never really their validation or support that I needed… I needed my own. Maybe I did need certain emotional support as a child, and I can take that information into my future life as a parent (hopefully), but for now it is important that I heal my own wounds and issues so that I am less likely to pass them to the next generation.

I know another block I have has to deal with attention. I find myself judging certain posts that people make online and literally see it as “they are just looking for attention,” and even if that is the case, why does it matter? This was something that was drilled into my head as a kid: attention-seeking is bad. Although I can 100% see how it can be bad, especially for those with low self-esteem or unstable mental health, it also can be something beneficial. The fact that Jay Shetty and Mel Robbins have captured the attention of millions is incredible! They encourage self-help/self-improvement and they help by looking at the science behind certain habits and ideas! People may have judged them or shamed them for the videos and posts they made, and if they had listened to them then we may not have their best-selling books or their podcast episodes… but instead they knew their intentions and listened to their intuitions.

I know that being an adult child of alcoholics, being quiet and “off the radar” was something I was basically trained to do. Daily drinking would be a concern to certain school counselors or teachers, or really any other adults around me…if that secret had gotten out, my parents could have been in trouble. If the police had seen the relatively fresh cuts on my arms after someone called them to our apartment, I would have been removed and my parents would be questioned. When I look back at things now, I feel like I can understand why I wasn’t allowed to do certain things, and it really had nothing to do with me. My guess is I couldn’t have sleepovers, because if I needed a parent to come and get me, they wouldn’t be able to since they were drunk every night. It could also be the fact that I would see how other families lived and operated that was more healthy or functional than what I had been living in. I’m sure they also didn’t want me to have attention drawn to me in any way, as depending on what that attention was for, it could lead back to my parents and their behavior.

I also don’t really know if I would get answers to these questions, as it is hard to approach most topics with my parents. My mom feels forever guilty about my childhood, my relationship with my dad is definitely estranged, although I doubt he even sees it that way. They are still together too which makes it difficult for me as I still sometimes feel a bit of guilt when I am making plans with one parent and not the other. My dad always made me feel guilty for the relationship with my mom, saying we were “ganging up on him,” and he felt like I hated him…yet he doesn’t seem to understand why I felt the way I did. Even after all of the mental work and reflection I have done, I honestly don’t even think any conversation would go well because I am sure my reality would be denied as it always was. It’s hard because they could really not remember due to the amount of alcohol consumed, or they also could be in denial-either way this will not result in any sort of productive conversation.

This is something that clearly still brings some anger, and I am still working to release this block of needing my parents validation. The truth is I never really needed it, again, I just needed my own. Now that I am an adult and am capable of listening to my own thoughts and intuition, I know that I am a good person, and my sensitivity is a gift. Me being open to sharing my story and how I came out of crippling anxiety is something I feel the need to do. There are many ACA/ACOA’s in the world, and we have many blocks and issues that we need to work through, and as we do, we are able to take back our own lives. It may look to some like I am seeking out the attention and validation that I didn’t get as a child, but I know my intentions and my own validation is the only validation I need. I feel proud of the work I have done, and I know that others who have similar struggles can also do this work and feel satisfied and full in their own lives. Although I have plenty of work to still do, I am happy with where I am, and I am looking forward to the journey.

Celebrating Growth

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I am taking this time to actually practice what I preach, as I feel like I have been out of my element for a bit. I am going to take this blog post as time to acknowledge my growth and progress, as a way to remind myself that I have not regressed, and healing is not linear. What is important is that I continue to come back to myself, and so I am.

I used to never allow myself to rest. I remember I’d wake up on Sunday mornings and immediately hop out of bed and start doing chores. Whether that was washing/putting away dishes, or taking out garbage, or reorganizing the closet… no matter how many tasks I scratched off the list, I always made more for myself. I would not allow myself the luxury of lying down next to the love of my life and just enjoying his warm embrace for a few minutes. I wouldn’t allow myself to have time to think about my intention for the day, or take time to do something for myself, because I always said that I would relax or reward myself after the (never-ending) chores were done.

Now I have a better mindset about relaxing and self care, and I allow myself to do something for myself prior to starting any to-do lists there may be. I understand the importance of setting yourself up for the day and taking time for yourself right in the morning, as I have heard in a podcast before: it’s like putting on your armor for the day. When you don’t start your morning off right, the day can easily get out of control, and it can feel more overwhelming. Although I do not have a set morning routine, I find that on the days that I do wake up early enough to stretch or even do a 5-10 minute meditation, I just feel calmer throughout the day. On my weekends when I can cuddle with my love for a bit, I now look forward to and enjoy those moments. Whether its taking time to read a chapter of a good book, having a cup of coffee or tea in silence, or taking a walk around the neighborhood, taking time to participate in self care is important. I am happy to say that this is the new mindset I live by, and I am glad I recognized that self care isn’t selfish, it is necessary.

I often remember feeling trapped in the endless chaos in my brain. I felt like I was constantly in a battle with what I previously called “rational me” and “irrational me,” and I could never feel at peace or confident in any of my decisions or emotions. I was keeping myself busy with working full time, doing school part time, and constantly over-extending myself in my social life in order to avoid my own issues and try to keep up with my dysregulated nervous system. I also remember feeling very insecure in my relationship; I felt like I was a burden who was always crying and worrying about “what ifs,” I assumed I was awful to be around because it sure felt awful in my head. I felt stupid, confused, full of rage and I didn’t even understand why I felt these things, but now I do.

Now that I have gone through years of trying different anxiety medications, working with a couple different therapists, and dedicating myself to reading and listening to self-help material, I have a much better understanding of my brain and why I am the way that I am. Being able to understand that the environment I grew up in while my brain was developing had a large impact on my reasoning, coping skills, and habits has allowed me to have more compassion towards myself, rather than continuing with the self-loathing and negative self-talk. I am able to make mistakes without scolding myself or calling myself stupid. I am able to recognize that my thoughts are not me, I can choose which ones I want to connect with and I can release the ones that are not serving me. I also am able to recognize when I am in a state of anxiety, and I have breathing exercises and grounding exercises that allow me to bring myself back to the present, and calm my mind and body.

I still have a lot of work to do, and I am comfortable with the fact that healing isn’t linear, but it is forever. Life will continue to bring new blessings, as well as challenges, but the more I know myself and how I respond to certain triggers and events, I can continue to learn how to better handle stressful situations. There is freedom in the awareness, as hard as it can be to see at first. Seeing the toxic habits, acknowledging the choices that hinder growth, once you can see how you’re holding yourself back, you can set yourself free. I know I silence myself out of fear of disappointing and hurting others, and I still have to work on more self-love and self-trust. I need to dedicate myself to healthier habits and pay attention to what makes me feel whole, and continue to show up for myself and my dreams. This blog is part of it all, so I guess I can celebrate that. ♡

Recovering People-Pleaser: “Why do I have to be quiet?”

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The short answer is: I don’t.

Turns out, I also have opinions, and I have been muting them in order keep the peace (aka avoid confrontation). But that is not me being authentic with myself, I instead am keeping myself silenced like I felt as a child. Hearing the words “you’re the kid, you have no say” and constantly being shit on for having emotions was something my brain learned to adapt to. I went into a fawn stage early in life, and I actively made sure to work around people and appear as a “nice girl” at all times. I kept any feelings of anger shoved away to avoid confrontation with others, and I just wanted everything to be peaceful.

As I have grown older and learned about people-pleasing, I have recognized how manipulative it can be. Saying “yes,” to something when I want to say “no” makes the other person think that this is something I want to do, which isn’t true. Saying yes to avoid hurting their feelings or avoid coming off like a “bad friend” isn’t authentic behavior, which creates an internal battle. Something I have learned along my journey that helped in a major way is to make space for myself to be able to take time before I make a decision. For example, if someone asks me to help them with something, instead of immediately saying “yes,” I can say “let me think about it and get back to you.” This allows me to sit with the idea and see what else is on my schedule and decide if this is something I have the capacity for. I found that I was constantly signing myself up for things that I really didn’t want to do or had much time for, and I was burning out quickly which doesn’t help anyone!

I do still find a bit of struggle in speaking up about my opinions or beliefs in conversations with others. I have been quiet for so long that I just let others say their opinions and find myself putting their feelings and needs first. It feels rude and uncomfortable to insert my opinion, which often is a differing opinion, when it wasn’t asked for. Then again, I guess I could easily preface it with “do you want to hear my opinion/perspective on this?” Wow, I may have solved that problem LOL. I guess that is something I may have already known but never really thought of applying it to that type of situation.

This is one of the many reasons I enjoy writing. It requires me to slow down my thoughts as I am writing them out, and I often find the answers I need right inside myself. I deserve to have a voice, and writing also allows me to have that. I am thankful for this blog, and am so proud of my consistency with posting. After reading through my old journals, and even some of my old blog posts, the growth truly shows. I have been slowly rewiring my brain to focus more on the positivity of the world, and also detach myself from unhealthy habits and beliefs. I am happy to finally have a healthier inner dialogue, and even though there is always room for improvement, I am so proud of the progress I have made. I am not stupid nor am I unworthy of sharing my thoughts and opinions. I truly care about others, however I cannot abandon myself for their comfort. I can only keep my own peace, and I deserve my inner peace, as does everybody else. I will never lose my empathy for others, but I will set and protect my boundaries as required. I am the only person who is guaranteed to be with me on my dying day, therefore my relationship with myself is the most important one.

Friday

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I am incredibly grateful for this week, as I felt a lot more like myself. I went back to the chiropractor this week, I have been less stressed at work, and I have also been productive at home. I know my worth isn’t based on how productive I am or how much I can do in a week, and I am happy that I also allowed myself to rest and to be still.

My boyfriend and I have plans with a couple friends this weekend that I am looking forward too, and next weekend will be spent with family, which is nice! I am so happy that it is summer and that the sun has been out so much lately! I know when I look at the grass that we definitely could use some rain, but hopefully that skips over the weekends that we have plans!

I am feeling more content and at peace with my journey at this time. I want to spend more time with myself and less time online. I really only go on Instagram, but it’s still easy to get lost in the scroll. I do feel inspired by posts I see since my algorithm is all about mental health, natural health, and self love, but I also know that it’s good to just spend time with myself and a good book.

I am going to get ready for work now, and again I am glad it is Friday! Wishing everyone a blessed and abundant weekend!

Thought Vomit (Random)

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Human beings are complex and are not meant to be labeled and put in boxes. People seem to love putting other people in this boxes and then getting mad when they don’t fit in them. Having conversation and asking questions about another person’s life or experience would help to deepen connection and release the need for labels and boxes. Not everything is black and white, mostly everything lies within the shades of grey.

I struggle with keeping myself in my own box. How can I be someone who is uncomfortable with attention, yet wants to start a podcast and connect with people all over the world? How can I be someone who prefers to spread love and kindness, yet has such judgmental thoughts at times? The same way that someone who is generally kind to others can be in a bad mood sometimes. The same way that those healthy fitness influencers enjoy a sweet treat every so often. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with being contradicting, in fact it is quite normal. For me personally, I think that what matters is that you are always true to the values you hold. But do most people even know what their values are?

I value privacy, especially with anything I find to be intimate. I don’t think there are certain things that are meant to be shared with just anyone and everyone; with that being said, I also truly believe that everyone knows what is best for themselves and what makes them happy, so I don’t think it is “bad” or “wrong” for others to share things with the world that I normally wouldn’t. I struggle with when it is okay to share these opinions, mainly when I am faced with someone sharing how happy it makes them. I am allowed to share how I feel, but it is appropriate if it could offend them? In reality, if the intention is just to be authentic and share how I feel, as a true friend would want me to be, then it isn’t inappropriate to do. I’d never want someone to feel shamed for what they do, so I guess I just fear that stating my own opinion could make them feel upset.

But also, if I am not sharing my true response and I am keeping it inside, is that not just hurting myself and telling myself that my opinion doesn’t matter? Honestly, is it even not hurting them because I am hiding a part of me (my opinion) to make me appear agreeable and likeable? If I share my opinion, I have to remember the intention behind it. If it is to express my own feelings and/or stand up for myself or my belief, then that is worth it. My goal is to be more authentic in all of my relationships, and in any and all content I create in my future. It starts with speaking up for myself and learning how to handle these conversations with different types of people. I can only learn by starting, and truly starting to connect to myself and my intuition.

If I could easily stand up for my friends or family in any situation, why is it to hard to do for myself? Does part of me still feel like I don’t deserve that? Is it because I felt like I never had that? I felt alone in my home at a young age. My emotions were too much, but that is what was modeled to me. I had no one to back me up, and I didn’t feel like anyone was on my side. I had no power or control; I understand that in general, kids don’t need power or control in their household, but when the role models didn’t seem to be in control after 5pm, someone needed to be.

That young girl needed someone to stand up for her, but she was too scared and to shameful to tell anyone who could help. That young girl still lives within me, and she needs to know that today we can stand up for ourselves. Today, we can speak our mind and do so freely without anyone telling us that we can’t. The truth is the truth, and the intention is to heal, but also to help others to see that life can get better and you get to choose your own path in life. It starts with choosing my own path, and choosing myself every step of the way.