universe

Who am I?

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Who am I? A mere mortal; a body of flesh and bones that moves amongst earth until it’s buried beneath it? Am I more than the blood in my veins or the organs within my vessel?

Who am I? A glistening sphere of light; a soul that brings joy and peace to others lives? Am I more than my empathy or the love within my heart?

Who am I? A deck of cards; the many faces that bring luck and abundance to some, but fateful defeat to others? Am I more than the value that others put on me?

Who am I? The Earth’s moon; the phases of darkness and illumination that pierce the cracks of my shadow? Am I more than the waves and chaos that I create?

Who am I? What is my purpose? To accept the fact that everything is temporary and attachments are unnecessary? To bring a sense of comfort and calmness to my inner and outer world? To show others that they all have a bright light within them, even if it may have been dimmed or distorted along the journey?

Who am I to judge anyone, including myself, when I am just a human being like you? Who am I to shame anyone, including myself, when we’re all guessing and learning along the way? Who am I to know what’s best for anyone, when the only shoes I’ve walked in are my own?

Who am I?

I am me. I am a person full of anger and sadness that weighs heavy on my body. I am a human full of flaws and imperfections that make me unique. I am a woman full of strength and kindness that pours from within. I am a soul full of empathy and compassion that overflows from the depths of my heart.

I am light, even with the shadow.

I am love, even with the heaviness.

I am peace, even with the chaos.

Hope in the Darkness

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The world seems dark right now, and it’s hard to navigate or know what to say. It feels like nothing can take away the pain and horror of what is happening in the middle east, and maybe that is true at this exact moment, but throughout hard times in history, humans have been resilient. Humans can remain hopeful and have faith that better days are on the horizon, but I can’t help but feel that is too hard to do right now.

I am thousands of miles away from the horror that is happening, but as part of the human collective, I can’t help but feel anxiety and stress. I want to remain grateful and as positive as possible, since I am blessed to have this life I do today, but something about that makes me feel guilty. I know that people need to spread love, light, and hope… but in a way it almost feels inappropriate.

Everyone deserves love, everyone deserves peace, why is that so hard for us to achieve? Why is there such hatred and lack of empathy in this world? How could someone so easily take another human’s life away? Why are humans still targeting other humans just because they have different views or religion or skin? We all bleed the same blood, we all are made of skin and bones… how can we be so cruel to our own species?

I guess for now all I can do is pray. Pray for those who are missing and taken hostage to be released safely and reunited with their loved ones. I pray that those in fear are protected by a higher power, and that their guardian angels can help them through this horrific tragedy. I pray that our world can heal and realize that together we can achieve so much more, and that peace and love have always been the answer that we’ve desperately needed. I pray for all of the families who are suffering loss and fear, and hope that they can find strength and peace within them.

This world so desperately needs peace, and although it may seem impossible, that is something I will never stop praying for.

Current Thoughts / Downloads

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Take what’s for you, leave what isn’t.

I don’t need what doesn’t need me.

What goes around always comes back around.

Intentions matter.

Finding comfort in the chaos will help you go far; change is the only thing promised in life.

Let it go, let it flow, and you will glow.

No need to worry about things that you literally have zero control over. Worrying only takes away from the peace of the moment, and you deserve peace.

Protected. Guided. Aligned.

Love is always the answer. We don’t have all of the answers, but if we have love, that’s all that matters.

What triggers you is what inspires you. Anger comes from passion- what are you passionate about? What brings that anger out of you? Feeling unheard? Unseen? Feeling as if someone is being selfish? Closed-mindedness? Dishonesty? You are passionate about expression, about selflessness, openness, and authenticity!

Grey days are great days for resting, recharging, releasing. Nothing is black and white, it’s all grey. (LOL I just realized I’m also wearing all grey)

Connected, not attached- nothing is permanent, therefore nothing is worth losing your peace over.

Fresh

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On Friday I decided to go and get a haircut. I absolutely love my long hair, but I knew the ends were extremely dead and thin and I could see them splitting so badly. It makes sense considering it has been over a year since I’ve been to the salon, but this time I made sure to schedule an appointment for end of December so I can keep up with it.

I’m not going to lie, I was a little shocked at first, but this is nothing new. We always say it’s only going to be a couple of inches, but my curls get so happy and they start to spiral, so it automatically looks much shorter. I am feeling a lot better about it today, and I’m using it as a reminder to let go of what no longer serves me.

I was holding onto dead weight just because it appeared a certain way, but in reality it wasn’t healthy and it wasn’t helping me in anyway, as it just let my hair continue to split and deteriorate. This is a good reminder for myself to let go of unhealthy habits and release any negative thoughts that don’t serve me.

I also recently got my nails fixed after snapping one down to a nub, so I feel much better now that they are cute and even. I also am finally upgrading my phone after four years! I feel like a whole new me and I am ready for abundance and new beginnings! I feel that this is going to be a good week ahead and even if it isn’t, I’m going to do my best to focus on the positives!

new spooky nails

Dualities

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I am struggling, yet thriving. I am filled with joy, but also irritable. I am grateful, but also ready to release what is not serving me. I am proud, but also always looking forward to more growth. I am all of these things, all at the same time, because this is the human experience. At times it hurts like hell, and other times the happiness can feel like I’m floating on clouds; regardless, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I am working on trusting my gut, instead of working against it, but I won’t lie, I still lose myself in guilt and people-pleasing. I have this habit of somehow making everything my fault and talking myself out of my own gut feelings as a way to not hurt others and also still avoid confrontation. However, I am recognizing that I need to release the confrontation I have within myself.

I feel it’s time to release and let go of these people-pleasing habits, and truly tune into myself and my intuition. I have always known what’s best for me, and I have always gotten myself through the challenges life throws my way. I am wise, I am open, I am empathetic, and I am humble. I am intelligent, I am loved, I am safe, and I am blessed. I deserve peace, and I am ready to give that to myself.

New Tattoos and Inner Peace

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I have a lot on my mind, but at the same I feel very relaxed. I am simply letting things flow and letting things go, rather than attaching myself to every thought or idea. I am finding myself in more states of “boredom,” which I have been appreciating as times of peace. As someone who used to never allow myself to rest, I am feel that I am finally meeting my needs when it comes to rest and relaxation. If I find myself getting irritable or getting down on myself about not “doing more,” I remember that rest is a necessity, and it is an act of self-love to relax.

There is a slippery slope though when it comes to having mental health/depression problems, because this can lead to feeling unmotivated and eventually feeling stuck. I am blessed that I have self-awareness and I am able to make sure I am still living a productive life and finding time for joy. Even if sometimes the joy is sitting an enjoying some reality dating series, it is still time I am taking for myself. Today I went out for a walk, although I did slightly regret that decision considering it was 90 degrees outside. I also am taking this time to write in my blog, and I have been spending quality time with my boyfriend. I am finally starting to prioritize myself and I am focusing on giving my time to people that truly bring me joy.

I got to spend some time with my mom and a family friend yesterday. It was nice to just chat and enjoy some yummy appetizers together. We also all went around the shops downtown and shopped around for a while, all leaving with items that we loved! There was a new shop that opened up and it has a bunch of old school candy, candy from different cultures, and a bunch of weird, unique bottles of soda! We had a fun time looking around in there, and I even found the cutest evil eye ring for $4!

Speaking of which, I also got an evil eye tattoo on Monday that I am OBSESSED with! I also got the number 1144, which I see as my angel number. I see this number at times and I get this ping of relief and happiness, and it just reminds me to let go and trust in the universe. This is also the only tattoo I have that actually faces me, as this is specific to me and my spiritual journey. The evil eye is used is used to ward off variations of evil intentions and also serves as a reminder to “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.” I truly believe that our works are powerful, so I am being more mindful of how I use my words. It is also a reminder to stay true to my word, and always say what I mean. I no longer wish to sugarcoat and hide from my own feelings, I wish to say what I mean with respect and good intentions without difficulty and without worrying about how the other person will react. I am only responsible for my own emotions and responses, not anyone else’s.

As I learn to let go and release what is not mine to hold, I am realizing how important it is to be authentically me. I will only find people who learn to love the real me, by being the real me! I will only attract successful and loving friendships by focusing on being both successful and loving. If we actually sit with ourselves and write out what we want, we can learn how to be that for ourselves and then we can also see those same traits and characteristics in others. We can learn to appreciate ourselves and make our minds happy places, and we can also find people to help make the outside world a happy place. Humans thrive on connection, in fact, researchers have found that people with active social lives live longer!* I absolutely love connecting with other people, and as I continue to practice the art of “letting go,” I know that I will continue to find success and accomplish great things. We all have that fire within us, it’s just up to us to ignite it.

Here’s to lighting that match! Now fuel your fire, and burn bright. ♡

cute $4 evil eye ring
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*https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/active-social-life-longevity/

Empathy

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I have a tattoo that says: “It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” This was a quote I read several years ago that resonated deep within me, and I feel that I am being reminded of it’s curse lately. I have been feeling all of the heavy energy within and around me; I wrote last week about the tragedy I had witnessed, and honestly since that day all I have been hearing about seems to be tragedy. I have a couple of friends going through painful experiences, all of which are out of their control. It hurts to see (and basically feel) their pain and know that there isn’t anything that can take it away. I’ve been feeling very fatigued and drained, and I am trying to remind myself to release and let go what does not belong to me.

Since I have been on this self-awareness journey, I am trying to look at this tough times and figure out what all of this is teaching me. I have spent a lot of my life worrying about things that are beyond my control, and I’ve also spent a lot of time focusing on other people’s emotional needs over my own. The combination of these resulted in my never being present with myself in any given moment. How could I sit in stillness with myself and my body when everything around me was spiraling out of control? How could I enjoy my life when someone else is suffering? How can I focus on myself when others need help? It all may sound nice that I care about others, but at what capacity do I really care for others if I don’t even know how to care for myself? If I cannot fill my own cup, how do I expect to pour into others in the way that they need? If I do not take care of myself, what message is that sending to my inner child? This is the reason I always preach that self-care is necessary, and it is NOT selfish in any way. Now it’s time I get back to focusing on myself and my self-care practices.

As much as it can hurt, I want to be able to feel everything deeply, as I know that will allow others to feel heard and understood. Not only that, but I remember what it was like to be numbed out from anxiety medications, and I missed all of my feelings. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to have such strong emotions or care about everything so deeply, but once that was taken away from me, I no longer felt like myself. My empathy fuels my creativity, which also fuels my happiness. My empathy allows me to feel joy for and celebrate others in the most genuine way. My empathy allows me to learn about myself in a deeper capacity, as I can identify my triggers and see them in new ways; these are all ways that empathy becomes a blessing. Even though it feels heavy at times, I wouldn’t trade this away for anything.

As I send love and positive, healing thoughts to my loved ones who are in need of it, I also release any stress or tension that I’ve held onto. As they receive the love and positive, healing energy, may they release any stress or tension that they have been holding onto. May we all recognize what is within our control, and what isn’t; and may we surrender what does not belong to us to the healing powers of the universe. May we accept out emotions as they are and not judge them, but appreciate them for allowing us the full experience of the human life. May the heaviness be lifted, and may we all feel lighter inside and out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. ❤

Celebrating Growth

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I am taking this time to actually practice what I preach, as I feel like I have been out of my element for a bit. I am going to take this blog post as time to acknowledge my growth and progress, as a way to remind myself that I have not regressed, and healing is not linear. What is important is that I continue to come back to myself, and so I am.

I used to never allow myself to rest. I remember I’d wake up on Sunday mornings and immediately hop out of bed and start doing chores. Whether that was washing/putting away dishes, or taking out garbage, or reorganizing the closet… no matter how many tasks I scratched off the list, I always made more for myself. I would not allow myself the luxury of lying down next to the love of my life and just enjoying his warm embrace for a few minutes. I wouldn’t allow myself to have time to think about my intention for the day, or take time to do something for myself, because I always said that I would relax or reward myself after the (never-ending) chores were done.

Now I have a better mindset about relaxing and self care, and I allow myself to do something for myself prior to starting any to-do lists there may be. I understand the importance of setting yourself up for the day and taking time for yourself right in the morning, as I have heard in a podcast before: it’s like putting on your armor for the day. When you don’t start your morning off right, the day can easily get out of control, and it can feel more overwhelming. Although I do not have a set morning routine, I find that on the days that I do wake up early enough to stretch or even do a 5-10 minute meditation, I just feel calmer throughout the day. On my weekends when I can cuddle with my love for a bit, I now look forward to and enjoy those moments. Whether its taking time to read a chapter of a good book, having a cup of coffee or tea in silence, or taking a walk around the neighborhood, taking time to participate in self care is important. I am happy to say that this is the new mindset I live by, and I am glad I recognized that self care isn’t selfish, it is necessary.

I often remember feeling trapped in the endless chaos in my brain. I felt like I was constantly in a battle with what I previously called “rational me” and “irrational me,” and I could never feel at peace or confident in any of my decisions or emotions. I was keeping myself busy with working full time, doing school part time, and constantly over-extending myself in my social life in order to avoid my own issues and try to keep up with my dysregulated nervous system. I also remember feeling very insecure in my relationship; I felt like I was a burden who was always crying and worrying about “what ifs,” I assumed I was awful to be around because it sure felt awful in my head. I felt stupid, confused, full of rage and I didn’t even understand why I felt these things, but now I do.

Now that I have gone through years of trying different anxiety medications, working with a couple different therapists, and dedicating myself to reading and listening to self-help material, I have a much better understanding of my brain and why I am the way that I am. Being able to understand that the environment I grew up in while my brain was developing had a large impact on my reasoning, coping skills, and habits has allowed me to have more compassion towards myself, rather than continuing with the self-loathing and negative self-talk. I am able to make mistakes without scolding myself or calling myself stupid. I am able to recognize that my thoughts are not me, I can choose which ones I want to connect with and I can release the ones that are not serving me. I also am able to recognize when I am in a state of anxiety, and I have breathing exercises and grounding exercises that allow me to bring myself back to the present, and calm my mind and body.

I still have a lot of work to do, and I am comfortable with the fact that healing isn’t linear, but it is forever. Life will continue to bring new blessings, as well as challenges, but the more I know myself and how I respond to certain triggers and events, I can continue to learn how to better handle stressful situations. There is freedom in the awareness, as hard as it can be to see at first. Seeing the toxic habits, acknowledging the choices that hinder growth, once you can see how you’re holding yourself back, you can set yourself free. I know I silence myself out of fear of disappointing and hurting others, and I still have to work on more self-love and self-trust. I need to dedicate myself to healthier habits and pay attention to what makes me feel whole, and continue to show up for myself and my dreams. This blog is part of it all, so I guess I can celebrate that. ♡

On the Upswing

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I am finally feeling about 95% better with my back! I was able to enjoy the 4th with my best friend and her son; we went to the farmers market and then swam at the pool in town for a few hours which honestly felt great on my back! Apparently it was exhausting as well, because my ass fell asleep at 7:30pm! I woke up at 9:30pm to the sound of fireworks, looked out my window and watched them for a couple minutes and knocked back out.

My body has definitely been needing rest, and I am doing my best to give myself that time. I went back to the chiro yesterday and am planning to go tomorrow as well, as I want to get back to 100%! I also am going to make sure I am getting in my walks and stretching at least, as I never want to be in the pain again.

I am happy to say that I had huge weight lifted off my shoulder when it comes to my work life. I had a coworker who was really adding stress to my days at work and it was an everyday struggle with trying to be nice and tolerable at work, but feeling inauthentic because I really wanted to tell them off. This created an internal battle, because I didn’t want to make everyone at work feel uncomfortable, but I was feeling uncomfortable every day.

This person would constantly talk about everyone in the office, never minding their own business. When they were called out for mistakes, they would point fingers and blame everyone else even though they were the one who made the error. Not only that, but even though I had said multiple times that this was work relationship, they were constantly trying to make me be friends with them and try to hang out outside of work. They never take accountability, they always play the victim, and overall this person was super manipulative— and luckily this is all over now!

Something that opened my eyes when I was dealing with all this was a video my friend sent me that said “sometimes the universe will bring people into your life to simply show you what it would be like if you didn’t heal.” I immediately thought of this person and how I could even see some of past me in them. Definitely not to this extreme, but the people-pleasing and trying to make everyone like me was something I used to struggle with. I didn’t go through lengths of pretending to listen to the same podcasts or have the same interests as people, nor did I try to buy anyone’s friendship with coffee and food, but I used to care a lot about what people thought of me.

I also never went through lengths of reading through someone’s personal email or recording someone’s voice when I’m not in the room, but maybe if I never went on this healing journey I could have become that kind of person (although I seriously doubt it because all of that is crazy as hell). This person also would overshare too much about their sexual life which was completely unwarranted and unwanted, and I probably should have reported it to the boss (considering there’s really no HR), and I never did. Either way, I am glad this is all over and I can finally stop dreading going to interact with this person.

I am so happy it is Friday and I have the ultimate self care day planned for after work, which I am looking forward to! I hope everyone has a great weekend, and that your crazy coworker that you can’t stand finally quits LOL!