universe

New Tattoos and Inner Peace

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I have a lot on my mind, but at the same I feel very relaxed. I am simply letting things flow and letting things go, rather than attaching myself to every thought or idea. I am finding myself in more states of “boredom,” which I have been appreciating as times of peace. As someone who used to never allow myself to rest, I am feel that I am finally meeting my needs when it comes to rest and relaxation. If I find myself getting irritable or getting down on myself about not “doing more,” I remember that rest is a necessity, and it is an act of self-love to relax.

There is a slippery slope though when it comes to having mental health/depression problems, because this can lead to feeling unmotivated and eventually feeling stuck. I am blessed that I have self-awareness and I am able to make sure I am still living a productive life and finding time for joy. Even if sometimes the joy is sitting an enjoying some reality dating series, it is still time I am taking for myself. Today I went out for a walk, although I did slightly regret that decision considering it was 90 degrees outside. I also am taking this time to write in my blog, and I have been spending quality time with my boyfriend. I am finally starting to prioritize myself and I am focusing on giving my time to people that truly bring me joy.

I got to spend some time with my mom and a family friend yesterday. It was nice to just chat and enjoy some yummy appetizers together. We also all went around the shops downtown and shopped around for a while, all leaving with items that we loved! There was a new shop that opened up and it has a bunch of old school candy, candy from different cultures, and a bunch of weird, unique bottles of soda! We had a fun time looking around in there, and I even found the cutest evil eye ring for $4!

Speaking of which, I also got an evil eye tattoo on Monday that I am OBSESSED with! I also got the number 1144, which I see as my angel number. I see this number at times and I get this ping of relief and happiness, and it just reminds me to let go and trust in the universe. This is also the only tattoo I have that actually faces me, as this is specific to me and my spiritual journey. The evil eye is used is used to ward off variations of evil intentions and also serves as a reminder to “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.” I truly believe that our works are powerful, so I am being more mindful of how I use my words. It is also a reminder to stay true to my word, and always say what I mean. I no longer wish to sugarcoat and hide from my own feelings, I wish to say what I mean with respect and good intentions without difficulty and without worrying about how the other person will react. I am only responsible for my own emotions and responses, not anyone else’s.

As I learn to let go and release what is not mine to hold, I am realizing how important it is to be authentically me. I will only find people who learn to love the real me, by being the real me! I will only attract successful and loving friendships by focusing on being both successful and loving. If we actually sit with ourselves and write out what we want, we can learn how to be that for ourselves and then we can also see those same traits and characteristics in others. We can learn to appreciate ourselves and make our minds happy places, and we can also find people to help make the outside world a happy place. Humans thrive on connection, in fact, researchers have found that people with active social lives live longer!* I absolutely love connecting with other people, and as I continue to practice the art of “letting go,” I know that I will continue to find success and accomplish great things. We all have that fire within us, it’s just up to us to ignite it.

Here’s to lighting that match! Now fuel your fire, and burn bright. ♡

cute $4 evil eye ring
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*https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/active-social-life-longevity/

Empathy

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I have a tattoo that says: “It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” This was a quote I read several years ago that resonated deep within me, and I feel that I am being reminded of it’s curse lately. I have been feeling all of the heavy energy within and around me; I wrote last week about the tragedy I had witnessed, and honestly since that day all I have been hearing about seems to be tragedy. I have a couple of friends going through painful experiences, all of which are out of their control. It hurts to see (and basically feel) their pain and know that there isn’t anything that can take it away. I’ve been feeling very fatigued and drained, and I am trying to remind myself to release and let go what does not belong to me.

Since I have been on this self-awareness journey, I am trying to look at this tough times and figure out what all of this is teaching me. I have spent a lot of my life worrying about things that are beyond my control, and I’ve also spent a lot of time focusing on other people’s emotional needs over my own. The combination of these resulted in my never being present with myself in any given moment. How could I sit in stillness with myself and my body when everything around me was spiraling out of control? How could I enjoy my life when someone else is suffering? How can I focus on myself when others need help? It all may sound nice that I care about others, but at what capacity do I really care for others if I don’t even know how to care for myself? If I cannot fill my own cup, how do I expect to pour into others in the way that they need? If I do not take care of myself, what message is that sending to my inner child? This is the reason I always preach that self-care is necessary, and it is NOT selfish in any way. Now it’s time I get back to focusing on myself and my self-care practices.

As much as it can hurt, I want to be able to feel everything deeply, as I know that will allow others to feel heard and understood. Not only that, but I remember what it was like to be numbed out from anxiety medications, and I missed all of my feelings. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to have such strong emotions or care about everything so deeply, but once that was taken away from me, I no longer felt like myself. My empathy fuels my creativity, which also fuels my happiness. My empathy allows me to feel joy for and celebrate others in the most genuine way. My empathy allows me to learn about myself in a deeper capacity, as I can identify my triggers and see them in new ways; these are all ways that empathy becomes a blessing. Even though it feels heavy at times, I wouldn’t trade this away for anything.

As I send love and positive, healing thoughts to my loved ones who are in need of it, I also release any stress or tension that I’ve held onto. As they receive the love and positive, healing energy, may they release any stress or tension that they have been holding onto. May we all recognize what is within our control, and what isn’t; and may we surrender what does not belong to us to the healing powers of the universe. May we accept out emotions as they are and not judge them, but appreciate them for allowing us the full experience of the human life. May the heaviness be lifted, and may we all feel lighter inside and out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. ❤

Celebrating Growth

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I am taking this time to actually practice what I preach, as I feel like I have been out of my element for a bit. I am going to take this blog post as time to acknowledge my growth and progress, as a way to remind myself that I have not regressed, and healing is not linear. What is important is that I continue to come back to myself, and so I am.

I used to never allow myself to rest. I remember I’d wake up on Sunday mornings and immediately hop out of bed and start doing chores. Whether that was washing/putting away dishes, or taking out garbage, or reorganizing the closet… no matter how many tasks I scratched off the list, I always made more for myself. I would not allow myself the luxury of lying down next to the love of my life and just enjoying his warm embrace for a few minutes. I wouldn’t allow myself to have time to think about my intention for the day, or take time to do something for myself, because I always said that I would relax or reward myself after the (never-ending) chores were done.

Now I have a better mindset about relaxing and self care, and I allow myself to do something for myself prior to starting any to-do lists there may be. I understand the importance of setting yourself up for the day and taking time for yourself right in the morning, as I have heard in a podcast before: it’s like putting on your armor for the day. When you don’t start your morning off right, the day can easily get out of control, and it can feel more overwhelming. Although I do not have a set morning routine, I find that on the days that I do wake up early enough to stretch or even do a 5-10 minute meditation, I just feel calmer throughout the day. On my weekends when I can cuddle with my love for a bit, I now look forward to and enjoy those moments. Whether its taking time to read a chapter of a good book, having a cup of coffee or tea in silence, or taking a walk around the neighborhood, taking time to participate in self care is important. I am happy to say that this is the new mindset I live by, and I am glad I recognized that self care isn’t selfish, it is necessary.

I often remember feeling trapped in the endless chaos in my brain. I felt like I was constantly in a battle with what I previously called “rational me” and “irrational me,” and I could never feel at peace or confident in any of my decisions or emotions. I was keeping myself busy with working full time, doing school part time, and constantly over-extending myself in my social life in order to avoid my own issues and try to keep up with my dysregulated nervous system. I also remember feeling very insecure in my relationship; I felt like I was a burden who was always crying and worrying about “what ifs,” I assumed I was awful to be around because it sure felt awful in my head. I felt stupid, confused, full of rage and I didn’t even understand why I felt these things, but now I do.

Now that I have gone through years of trying different anxiety medications, working with a couple different therapists, and dedicating myself to reading and listening to self-help material, I have a much better understanding of my brain and why I am the way that I am. Being able to understand that the environment I grew up in while my brain was developing had a large impact on my reasoning, coping skills, and habits has allowed me to have more compassion towards myself, rather than continuing with the self-loathing and negative self-talk. I am able to make mistakes without scolding myself or calling myself stupid. I am able to recognize that my thoughts are not me, I can choose which ones I want to connect with and I can release the ones that are not serving me. I also am able to recognize when I am in a state of anxiety, and I have breathing exercises and grounding exercises that allow me to bring myself back to the present, and calm my mind and body.

I still have a lot of work to do, and I am comfortable with the fact that healing isn’t linear, but it is forever. Life will continue to bring new blessings, as well as challenges, but the more I know myself and how I respond to certain triggers and events, I can continue to learn how to better handle stressful situations. There is freedom in the awareness, as hard as it can be to see at first. Seeing the toxic habits, acknowledging the choices that hinder growth, once you can see how you’re holding yourself back, you can set yourself free. I know I silence myself out of fear of disappointing and hurting others, and I still have to work on more self-love and self-trust. I need to dedicate myself to healthier habits and pay attention to what makes me feel whole, and continue to show up for myself and my dreams. This blog is part of it all, so I guess I can celebrate that. ♡

On the Upswing

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I am finally feeling about 95% better with my back! I was able to enjoy the 4th with my best friend and her son; we went to the farmers market and then swam at the pool in town for a few hours which honestly felt great on my back! Apparently it was exhausting as well, because my ass fell asleep at 7:30pm! I woke up at 9:30pm to the sound of fireworks, looked out my window and watched them for a couple minutes and knocked back out.

My body has definitely been needing rest, and I am doing my best to give myself that time. I went back to the chiro yesterday and am planning to go tomorrow as well, as I want to get back to 100%! I also am going to make sure I am getting in my walks and stretching at least, as I never want to be in the pain again.

I am happy to say that I had huge weight lifted off my shoulder when it comes to my work life. I had a coworker who was really adding stress to my days at work and it was an everyday struggle with trying to be nice and tolerable at work, but feeling inauthentic because I really wanted to tell them off. This created an internal battle, because I didn’t want to make everyone at work feel uncomfortable, but I was feeling uncomfortable every day.

This person would constantly talk about everyone in the office, never minding their own business. When they were called out for mistakes, they would point fingers and blame everyone else even though they were the one who made the error. Not only that, but even though I had said multiple times that this was work relationship, they were constantly trying to make me be friends with them and try to hang out outside of work. They never take accountability, they always play the victim, and overall this person was super manipulative— and luckily this is all over now!

Something that opened my eyes when I was dealing with all this was a video my friend sent me that said “sometimes the universe will bring people into your life to simply show you what it would be like if you didn’t heal.” I immediately thought of this person and how I could even see some of past me in them. Definitely not to this extreme, but the people-pleasing and trying to make everyone like me was something I used to struggle with. I didn’t go through lengths of pretending to listen to the same podcasts or have the same interests as people, nor did I try to buy anyone’s friendship with coffee and food, but I used to care a lot about what people thought of me.

I also never went through lengths of reading through someone’s personal email or recording someone’s voice when I’m not in the room, but maybe if I never went on this healing journey I could have become that kind of person (although I seriously doubt it because all of that is crazy as hell). This person also would overshare too much about their sexual life which was completely unwarranted and unwanted, and I probably should have reported it to the boss (considering there’s really no HR), and I never did. Either way, I am glad this is all over and I can finally stop dreading going to interact with this person.

I am so happy it is Friday and I have the ultimate self care day planned for after work, which I am looking forward to! I hope everyone has a great weekend, and that your crazy coworker that you can’t stand finally quits LOL!

The other day, I asked for a sign

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A sign that you were still watching and guiding me. I asked for something that would absolutely make me know it’s you, but couldn’t give too many specific examples.

I went to write in my blog today and noticed two drafts: one with a prompt as the title and the other was untitled. In that untitled draft was a post I started a month ago when I was feeling emotional; It was a post I had written about going to your wake, and remembering seeing a letter I wrote to you for our 8th grade graduation. I couldn’t finish the post, and I still haven’t.

Seeing this draft today made me want to dig into my old memory bin, where I kept old concert tickets, notes from school, projects and whatever else I felt was worth keeping for a lifetime. I was searching to see if I had the letter you wrote me on that day. I opened the dusty bin to see my rocket power backpack on top of a bunch of children’s books, binders and journals.

I grabbed the journal that my aunt gave me when I was young. I opened the journal and out fell some photo booth photos, and there was four photos of us in a vertical line. We were so happy and silly; I remember we spent so much time at the mall because we saved our money from babysitting (and you saved from your your dog-walking), and we had that money to spend! I also will never forget when we got personalized airbrush T-Shirts made. I still have mine.

After sifting through some cringy journal entries and digging through photo albums, I found some Lisa Frank stickers (SCORE!) that I immediately needed to put on my phone case. I had a nice design on the phone case I was using so I decided to go into my bedroom to grab another phone case. I opened the drawer to my nightstand and before I even could reach for another case, I saw your photo. It was the memorial card from your funeral; and that’s when it hit me… you were giving me the signs.

The photo booth photos falling out, having to look for a phone case that I never would have needed if I hadn’t dug through my memory bin looking for the letter your wrote me- which I unfortunately I didn’t find, but maybe I will one day. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t logged in to write in my blog and looked in my drafts, but it all happened.

Some will say coincidence, neuroscientists will say it’s the reticular activating system (which tbh, they are right), but I also truly believe this is my sign from you. I appreciate knowing you’re still here, even if not physically, and I am grateful for these signs. Sending love up your way, and thank you for sending yours.

Sending love to all who need it, and I hope you get your signs. ♡

“Where focus goes, energy flows.”

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I absolutely love when I awake in the morning and the sun is blaring in my eyes as our curtains hang just an inch too high above the window sill. I know that probably sounds like sarcasm, but just knowing that the sun is out and seeing how bright it is truly brings a sense of childlike joy to my heart. I’m not going to lie, I felt very exhausted waking up today, but that sunshine definitely brought some motivation.

Last month I spent time doing things I love; I went to a couple of concerts and I prioritized spending time with friends. I still battle with feeling drained after being out and hanging with people, but as long as I take time to be with myself and my thoughts afterwards, I typically end up replenishing that social battery. I absolutely love having conversations with people and just seeing how small the world is and how such different humans can still connect with each other. I truly believe that the art of listening and learning could have a profound impact in this world, which is why I am ready to get serious about my goals.

I keep talking about starting a podcast, but not making any efforts towards achieving that goal. I have most of the equipment that I need, I have endless resources at my fingertips (Google, YouTube, etc.), I have a bunch of scrambled ideas in my head, yet I haven’t put anything to paper… until yesterday! I finally did some bullet points and episode ideas and have been thinking about how to record and that I’d want to make other content out of my episodes. I have other ideas that I don’t want to go too much into detail on just yet, but I am starting to look at the resources I have and have decided I need to stop wasting time.

Last May I connected with a woman on a girls trip with one of my high school best friends, and she recently started a podcast of her own! On her podcast she is incredibly open about sharing her story and diving into her traumas, and she is creating a community of people who are healing together and growing together, which is honestly what I am wanting to do as well! Leading up to me seeing her announce her podcast, I had been getting some interactions with podcasters that I listen to on Instagram, such as Mel Robbins sharing my Instagram story to hers, and even getting a reply back from Jay Shetty in the comments!

Honestly, I had been asking for signs of what I should be putting my efforts towards and focusing on, and I kept receiving signs but still not putting in any effort. I knew that when I got these notifications of these well-known podcasters that I was supposed to explore this idea and see if this dream is what I really want to pursue. Recently I was able to reconnect with that woman from the girls trip on Instagram, and she actually invited me to be on her podcast! We chatted on the phone for a bit and she is going to send me some more information so we can get ready to record at the end of this week!

I was honestly honored that she wanted me to to be on her show, and I literally look at this as not even a sign, but as if the universe just put everything right in front of me and has made the opportunity so apparent and available. This is going to be a good test for me to see how I enjoy it and learn from her, and I am honestly just so grateful for this opportunity. Like Tony Robbins said: “Where focus goes, energy flows.” I want to make sure I am taking time to prioritize myself and my hobbies, especially while I am in this season of my life where I have the time and freedom to do so. I am excited for this next chapter, and I am blessed to have such great support around me.

Sending love to all! Have a great Sunday and week ahead. ♡

Release

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It’s so hard to watch loved ones in pain, knowing there’s nothing you can do but listen and send your love. That’s a part of life that will likely never get easier, but having faith and trust in the universe that something better is unfolding gives slight relief.

Everyone you know is going through something, whether it’s a friend or a family member, or even the person you sit by at work… you never truly know their struggles or their pain. All I can say to that is to be kind and compassionate, and remember that there are time where you will struggle too, and it’s important you have the right people in your circle.

I feel grateful for my circle. My boyfriend has been my rock for over eleven years, and the love only continues to grow. I have friends who have been in my life for longer than that, which again is a hell of a blessing. I even have some newer friends who feel like I’ve known forever. I have family who loves me and supports me as well, even if I don’t see them often.

Something I’ve noticed that is super important is now I finally feel like I have myself. I can recognize the strength within me, and I feel more confident about myself and my resilience. I have made it through some tough times in my life, including deaths and other childhood traumas as everyone has, and I am still here.

I am here to share my story and remind others that we are all stronger than we think, and that we are truly here for a reason. I may not 100% know my purpose yet, but as I continue through my own healing, I know that I am meant for more. I am meant to radiate the light that’s inside of me, and I am continuing to heal so that my light can shine brighter.

Years ago, I got a tattoo that says “it is a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” I know that although it can be difficult at times, it is necessary for me to be able to empathize with others, as well as feel all of my emotions. At this time, I am releasing the emotions that do not belong to me, and instead I will love and healing to those who need it. Remember to be kind, and remember you are stronger than you know.

Sunday-Tarot Pull

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Happy Sunday! I want to start off by saying that this past week I have felt kind of “off.” I haven’t felt as positive or easy-going as I have been wanting to feel; instead I have been tired, emotional, and it’s definitely been easier to spiral into self-doubt and negative self-talk than it has been to focus on the good. I still am working on re-wiring my brain, and I know that I need to take time to rest and just let myself be in peace, and maybe that is just what I am meant to do at this time.

Today I am doing a mind, body, soul tarot card pull for myself from the Black Cats Tarot deck that a good friend got me for my birthday last year, and I thought I’d pull them and write about them here today. I have my cards pulled so let’s get started:

Mind- The Fool-The White cat represents freedom and purity, manifesting no fear in its gait: he always walks ahead serenely without every glancing back. No link and no attachment can stop it. He knows that the most profound wisdom means remaining humble before the mystery of Creation.

My Interpretation: Although I have these attachments to my old ways of thinking, or links of the past voices telling me I was stupid, or fat, or not good enough…I know that none of that will impact how beautiful my future will be. I also read the “remaining humble before the mystery of Creation,” as me doing what I am doing now, by being open and vulnerable about my mental health and showing everyone that it is not always positive rainbows and sunshine, and you have to feel to heal. It is human nature to have emotions and to have ups and downs, I am embracing the waves, rather than fighting them.

Body- Three of Wands: Ascent– This card represents a constructive path. Working to attain one’s own objectives. Ambition and talent collaborate harmoniously.

My Interpretation: It makes complete sense for my body/health; I am working on listening to my body and seeing what works best for me when it comes to mindful eating and exercise. I have found myself comparing myself to friends recently, some losing weight, some gaining muscle, and I had to take a step back and realize that I was working against myself in those moments. My goal is to listen to myself and my body and do what feels good to me, not doing what I see other people doing.

Soul- Two of Wands: Discussion- This card represents our inner and outer conflicts. There is never progress without a struggle. It is necessary to act, trying to take into consideration the various aspects of a problem.

My Interpretation: This came full circle for me, and I love love looovvee that it is my “soul” card. It is normal to struggle, and I need to take this time to do just that. Let me sit and heal the inner conflicts, and that will help me with the outside ones. Progress comes from hard work and sometimes taking a step back and inwards is the hardest work to do.

2•12•23 Tarot Pull

Wednesday Affirmations

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Lunch break means it’s time for some affirmations! Some I have in my phone as reminders, some just will come as I write. Feel free to write some in the comments or let me know if any resonate with you!

All is well.

Everything always works out in my favor.

I am loved, I am safe, I am at peace.

I release all fear and allow the universe to work her magic.

I trust that all will work out how it should.

I am capable of more than I realize, as I am divinely supported.

I am a confident in myself and my abilities.

I trust myself to navigate what life brings me.

I am strong and resilient; I have survived all of my worst days.

I allow the light within me to shine through.

Midweek Affirmations

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Today is my last day of my staycation and I am ready for another good day! My boyfriend and I have been spending a lot of time together, doing different things each day. Today will be more low key as I am having him dye my hair today so we will probably just chill and go on a walk or something! However I have been feeling super grateful and happy lately so I wanted to write out some affirmations for myself- feel free to use some or write your own in the comments! Have a lovely Wednesday!

Everything that is meant for me will come to me in divine timing.

I am open to abundance and success.

My intentions are pure and my energy is clean.

I let go of all that no longer serves me, and make room for what does.

I release any forms of self-doubt or self-limiting behavior, I am ready to evolve and ascend into my highest self.

I am in love with my life and everything in it.

Everything will happen as it should, when it should; I trust the process and will enjoy each moment.