therapy

Friday Gratitude Check

blog

I am grateful for so many things in my life, and I do my best to remind myself of how blessed I am. One of the ways I do this is by thinking about ten things I am grateful for every morning, and think of why I am grateful for each of those things. Of course I don’t always remember to do it, and also sometimes I’ll do less than ten as I’m usually doing this out loud in my car and I often get distracted by music.

The important thing is that I always come back to this and I still make sure I am turning to gratitude during stressful times. This morning I’ll list a few blessings here, and then finish speaking them aloud on my way to work- I encourage anyone who reads to also take a moment to think of something you’re grateful for right now in your life! Life gets hard and it can be easy to forget how good we really have it, when we’re constantly focusing on the negative.

Blessing #1: My boyfriend. I am so blessed to have a life partner who loves me for me, who respects me, and who is always supportive of me. I am lucky to have someone with similar life goals and values, as we can both push each other to reach those goals. I am so thankful for this man every day, and make sure to appreciate him as well. Thank you.

Blessing #2: Therapy. I am so blessed to be able to afford therapy and to have found a good therapist. She has been able to help me work through so much of my childhood traumas to help me understand why I am the way I am, and has helped me to learn to love and understand myself. Thank you.

Blessing #3: My job. I am blessed to have a job in which I can pay my bills, have insurance, vacation time, and still have some fun money left over. I am grateful that I have a good schedule, I don’t work weekends, and I like the people I work with. I don’t dread going to work, and I love getting off early on Fridays! Thank you.

There are so many things in life that we overlook or take for granted, when really we should be focusing on the present blessings we have! I hope everyone has a great weekend ahead, and I hope you find time to look at how blessed you truly are. ✨

Grateful

blog

I have been feeling so grateful for my life lately. Spending my days with my boyfriend and being more intentional with my time has made quite a difference, but I can’t pretend I don’t have my moments. Even yesterday I found myself getting a bit overwhelmed thinking about tasks that had to be done, but once I started doing them I realized they literally took up less than an hour of time!

It really is all perspective, and when you’re in a stressed mood, everything feels more stressful. Just like when you’re in a happy mood, everything feels easier! Getting my emotions and body in alignment is what I am currently working on, but have definitely been slacking on the nutritional end. I have been trying to get moving every day though, even if it’s just stretching for a few minutes; even that few minutes though can make a world of a difference!

It always feels good doing something for yourself, and I want to keep focused on getting into a good routine and healthier habits. I also want to get into a better sleep routine, going to bed earlier and waking up earlier is a goal of mine, especially because I want to start journaling and/or meditating in the mornings. I want to get out of the habit of reaching for my phone the second I wake up, as it is truly an overload for our brains to go from rest to an overstimulation of information.

This morning I didn’t look at any social media before I left for work, and I even listened to a short Jay Shetty podcast on the way to work! That alone made me feel more productive and started off my day on the right foot. I’m going to the gym with a friend after work, so that should be a nice time too! I hope everyone has a great week ahead!

Weekend Note

blog

I didn’t feel like writing yesterday, but I did write a note in my phone trying to dissect myself this weekend, so I’ll post that below! I hope everyone has a good week ahead!

______________________________________________

why do i doubt myself?

is it hearing it from the man I was supposed to grow up admiring? is it because I became a people pleaser at the expense of my own authenticity so I don’t trust myself enough? I don’t think I’m strong enough because I’ve felt weak for so long? I feel like my brain is broken, so how could I make the right decisions? I was so sheltered & felt so stupid, but the one thing I knew was money. I knew it & I blew it- but that’s not entirely true. I re-prioritized & got used to living a certain lifestyle. I drive a nice car, I get my nails done sometimes (less often than before), and I feed my iced coffee addition. These are things that make me happy, and having a reliable car is also a must. But I feel like because I don’t save as much anymore, and I “spend money on stupid stuff,” I’m a failure, so therefore a reason to doubt myself. I often feel guilty and get mad at myself after I go spend money on nails or food, I’m like why am I wasting money? How could I keep doing this? But I feel like I’m in a test with money, and I am working to win this battle. I will win.

Is it what it is

blog

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by life this past week; it has a lot to do with my PMS and lack of sleep, but also just unexpected life stuff. I had a conversation with myself out loud in my car last night trying to get to the root of everything, and I am realizing I still have a lot of guilty feelings and am still very hard on myself.

I have to constantly remind myself that I am allowed to relax and take breaks, and that am a human being who is allowed to have emotions. Life gets stressful, and we don’t have control over much that happens, but I can control how I react and respond to situations. I can also look inward and ask myself questions to try to help myself move forward and understand myself more.

We all have bad days, but that doesn’t mean we have bad lives. Focusing on my blessings and practicing gratitude is what is helping me through these situations, and although it’s a struggle sometimes, I am proud of myself for truly trying to make it a habit to think more positively, no matter the situation. I don’t spiral out of control like I used to, which is progress in and of itself.

I hope everyone else is surviving this week!

Some Stress

blog

Well today was an interesting day to say the least, however I want to start off this post with saying how grateful I am to have such a wonderful man in my life who knows how to help me when I’m having anxiety. I am also blessed that he’s so calm and knows how to fix things (or can learn quickly from youtube), and that we are able to afford to fix things when they break.

This morning our hot water tank went out, so we had to purchase one of those and are going to be installing that here shortly. I did originally start to get upset and irritable because I started having money fears as I usually do. I had no clue how much it would be to fix and I started feeling my brain start spiraling down into how we will just always have more and more expenses coming up.

Luckily I was able to calm down when my boyfriend said he wasn’t worried about it, and I was able to remind myself that we can only take it day by day, and today we need to solve this issue. We were happy to find out that the water tank was on the lower end of the price scale, and if we can install it then we don’t have that expense of labor to pay! We are lucky to live in a time where we have access to instant information at our fingertips.

I was still able to see my mom today for Mother’s Day, which was nice. We were able to go for a walk and I helped her by going with her to the grocery store. Unfortunately she is drinking more alcohol again which of course was not what I wanted to hear, but it is what it is and unfortunately there’s not much I can do. It’s her life, she will do what she wants and I cannot take on any responsibility or feelings of guilt for that. All so can do is wish her well and be grateful for our current time together.

She also shared some other not-so-great family updates with me, so I’d say today was filled with a lot of negative emotion and energy. I have been reminding myself of what I can control and also reminding myself that spending time on negative energy and spending time worrying will not improve my current situation. However, focusing on gratitude and what I can control will help me.

It’s helpful that I feel like I am able to slow down my thoughts now and truly calm down before having outbursts of anger; I can tell I still have work to do, but it’s much more bearable now. I am grateful for the progress I’ve been able to make with my mental health, and I know I can only get better from here!

Good Start

blog

I went to the gym this morning!! I am extremely proud of myself as I have never gone before work and I was having some anxiety about it; luckily everything worked out (LOL, get it? 😂) and here I am in the parking lot of my job with a little extra time to type this out!

I have been wanting to start going to the gym in the mornings all week; I was going to start on Monday, but then I used the random snowfall that happened as an excuse not to go. By Tuesday I gave up because I was already having anxiety and losing sleep thinking that I wouldn’t wake up in time to go or I’d be late to work.

I was having my anxious dreams like I used to have where I’m running late for work, or I go to the wrong office and can’t get a hold of anyone. As a kid I’d often dream that I missed the bus or I was late to class- I’ve always had anxiety about time and being late, but I’m not sure where it stems from. But today I overcame a fear and I feel so much better about it!

I am going to start going to the gym four days a week in the mornings before work, and I feel that this will make me feel a lot better as I’ll start my days early doing something for myself! I’m excited to see where this journey takes me!

I hope everyone has a great Thursday!

Easter Weekend

blog

Happy Easter to all who celebrate! I am not religious at this point in my life, nor do I have children to hide eggs from or to make baskets for, so this year is very low-key, yet still enjoyable! I won’t lie though, this morning was a rough one for me, but I am definitely proud of myself for not letting it ruin the entire day like I would have in the past.

This morning I woke up at 2am to terrible nausea and cramping- to my not-so-surprise, lovely mother nature was here to pay me a visit. I dealt with that and curled up with my heating pad for a while before shifting it to my lower back, and I fell back asleep.

When I got back up around 8:30-9ish I decided I wanted to take a shower. I got a haircut yesterday and the stylist put a lot of product in my hair to keep my curls looking nice, but it felt like a lot of residue was just sitting on my hair so I was ready to rinse it all out. I brushed out my curls and went to start my shower, and when I turned the nozzle nothing happened.

I messed with it a couple more times and then told my boyfriend that it was not working. Of course my anxiety decides to set in, and coupled with my hormones I already felt myself starting to get worked up. Luckily my boyfriend just grabbed a screw driver and was able to fix it; we were able to turn it on and off with no issues!

I quickly got into the shower and washed all the build-up out of my hair and then scrubbed it all off my body; I felt so clean and refreshed running my fingers through my clean, healthy hair. Once the water was all running clear and I was rinsed off I went to turn off the shower and the water wouldn’t shut off.

Now I feel the spike of anxiety in my chest again and I yell to my boyfriend “babe! now the water won’t turn off!” I quickly get out and have him go in and once again, he was able to fix it. We discovered that part of the plastic nozzle had broken on the inside, which is why we were having so much trouble. He removed that and used pliers to shut off the water, and we added a new shower nozzle to our Walmart list for today.

After I got dressed I decided to do a Dunkin’ run for us as I really wanted some iced coffee, and honestly I was using it as a pick me up for the shitty morning I was having. I left and got our coffees, and while I’m driving home I go to sip my iced coffee and all of a sudden I just feel liquid start spilling down my chest, shirt and pants- iced coffee was dripping from the lid all onto my new tank top.

I was driving so I wasn’t trying to get into an accident or make things worse than they were, so I kept driving home and when I was able to stop at a stop sign I grabbed napkins from my glove compartment and began go wipe the coffee off of me. I got home and when I got inside I set the coffees on the floor so I could get situation to go upstairs, and of course I then knocked over my iced coffee and spilled some onto the floor.

At this point I felt myself having psychical symptoms of anger; when I used to get panic attacks they often made me feel like I just needed to scratch myself or stretch or shake; it’s hard to deceive but it’s likely I could feel the rage/anxiety rushing threw all of my veins and pores, just bringing me to a boiling point. I felt this happening and decided to take a couple deep breaths.

With my head feeling a bit more clear, I went upstairs to get paper towels, went back down to clean up my mess, and proceeded to bring our coffees upstairs. I walked into our room and set our coffees down and said “the universe is testing me today,” and began to remove my coffee stained tank top. I changed into another shirt and plopped my body back on the bed and proceeded to just let the tears well up and stream down my cheeks.

I started talking to myself in my head- asking why I was so upset, and reminding myself that I am okay. I still had coffee, I still have other clothes that are not stained with coffee, my shower is fixable, and there is still so much left in the day where this doesn’t have to be a bad day. After a lot of discussion within myself and deep breaths, I finally stopped crying and sat up and decided to take on the rest of the day.

In the past, I would have let these string of events ruin my entire day and I would have spent so much time feeling bad and guilty about it. Instead, I took time to acknowledge how I was feeling and reminded myself of what I should be grateful for and got back up and ready to go! My boyfriend and I had a good rest of the day! We went to Walmart to get stuff that we needed, and I did a dread detox and re-twist for him! Overall it was a pretty good Easter!

Growing

blog

As I am growing, I am learning that I need to stop muting myself. What I mean by that is I often won’t say what I’m feeling in fear of hurting others, but in reality I know my intention behind my thoughts and I’m never trying to be malicious at all. People even often tell me how nice I am and how I’m great at talking to people, but I don’t always feel that way with the people closest to me.

I just saw this post that said “Let’s normalize asking questions for clarity, instead of moving based on the story you’ve created in your mind, which may not be true;” I feel like I want that from my friends, but how I can expect that when I don’t do it! I want to start vocalizing when I have questions or thoughts that come up, so that I don’t sit with them and ruin my own inner peace or growth.

For example, one of my good friends recently reached out and asked if she could express something without causing problems/drama, and of course I said yes. The conversation went well and we are good, but now I am the one who is wanting to express my feelings about it and I feel like a scared little kid who is avoiding confrontation.

I know that my feelings are valid and I also know I can express my thoughts without being an asshole, but at the same time I never know how people will react and that is what gives me the anxiety. I would hate to unintentionally make someone upset, but at the same time, I can’t make myself upset by holding in all these feelings/thoughts.

My boyfriend has always been very direct and he’s still very polite and easy to talk to- and I don’t just mean with me, I mean with all our friends and family as well. He always asks questions when he wants clarification because he knows he’s not trying to hurt anyone, he’s just trying to understand; and that’s my goal as well! Talking to him definitely helps, but if anyone else has any tips or tricks, please feel free to comment!

Thursday Thoughts

blog

With the new moon yesterday, I’ve been thinking about new intentions, and I really want to work on non-judgment. I am a very observant person, but this also makes me very judgmental. I find myself judging others for their “bad choices,” when in reality I don’t know what is a “good” or “bad” choice for that person; it just is what it is.

It’s basically like how I am rewiring my angry/negative thoughts to being thankful, I am going to actively start doing that when I find myself being judgmental. I have read about practicing non-judgment before, and I truly wish to master this skill. I know it will take time, and I’ll never be “perfect,” but I feel like a “bad” person when I’m judging others and I don’t like that feeling.

When I find myself being judgmental, I will instead start thinking about why I am grateful for that person or think of a positive way to look at them. I will also remind myself that “it is what it is, and should be,” because everything truly does happen for a reason. Does anyone else have any tips/tricks for this?

Thankful

blog

Last night my mother had a stroke. She’s only 52 and has not had any prior signs indicating that this would happen, however she has high blood pressure that she has not been managing. We’re still waiting on MRI results, but I was able to go visit her in the hospital and am so relieved that she is alert and talking.

I don’t honestly feel like going into all the details, but so far things look good. I hate seeing her worry; I just kept staying positive and reminding her that she’s so lucky and thanked her for being here. I talk to my mom almost every day, and to think that one day she won’t be here terrifies me… but lucky for me, I have her now.

She is still in the hospital and will be until at least tomorrow. We are blessed to have time to get her into healthier habits and get her BP regulated; hopefully I have some more decades with her. For now, I am so thankful that she is here and recovering. Just a reminder to hold your loved ones close and tell them that you love them whenever you can, and be thankful for them while they’re here.