therapy

Friday

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So glad it is Friday! This week honestly flew by and it really wasn’t a bad week! Of course I am back to dealing with a late period and negative pregnancy tests so that’s a bit annoying, but I am trying to stay positive and remind myself that there’s no point in worrying because that will only delay it more. I’ve been trying to figure out if I am having some underlying stress that is contributing, but I can’t seem to pinpoint it.

As much as I get frustrated with drama at work, I don’t feel like I am letting it affect me mentally, but maybe I am! I know I was feeling some anxiety about the fact that I’m going to be on a billboard for a few hours in a couple weeks, but it feels like it’s mainly anxiety around my parents in a weird way. I know that my mom will be supportive of my writing and she knows I am healing and it’s my right to share my story and my thoughts, but just knowing how my dad has been my whole life, I just feel like he is gonna shit on it.

What matters is that I am proud of myself and my accomplishments, but maybe that’s my problem. I have such a hard time celebrating myself, it’s almost as if I got this exciting news and felt good about it for a day and then kinda shoved it away. It hasn’t even happened yet, but it’s like mentally I won’t allow myself to be proud or happy. I just keep making excuses about how they just needed a face in my town and it just happened to work out, but they also have enjoyed my writing and have been so encouraging on our zoom meetings and in the community. I guess I just don’t know why it’s so hard for me to celebrate myself, but it’s so easy for me to tear myself down.

Luckily I have therapy after work today, and maybe we can unpack that together. I honestly haven’t seen my therapist since July, so I am very much looking forward to this session. I just have to be conscious of my talking and making sure I’m not just venting so long that I waste the whole session. It’s hard when you only have 50 minutes and it’s been literal months since we’ve talked, but I know we will be able to have a productive session. I’m going to end this will an affirmation for myself- and I hope you all have a great Friday!

Affirming: I am healthy, I am calm and I am at peace. I release all that is not mine to carry, and I focus on what is aligned with my higher self.

Sunday / Full Moon

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Today is a gorgeous day; while I type this in my boyfriend’s office, I can hear the birds chirping outside as I feel the breeze come through the window. We went out for a nice breakfast this morning and have been relaxing at the house since we got back. A couple of our friends are coming over to hang out later and I just wanted to take a minute for myself to write here. I go back and forth between dabbling in astrology- not that I necessarily believe in all of the horoscopes or anything like that, but I do like the idea of checking in and journaling based on the phases of the moon. Today we celebrate a full moon, and based on what I have read this is a time to celebrate our progresses and acknowledge your blocks so that you can work to move past them.

I am extremely proud of the work I have been putting in on my mental health and my overall mindset. I have been getting better at looking at “bad” situations with gratitude and also I am better at letting go and going with the flow. I can feel myself releasing control and finally feeling more present. I cannot lie though, it has been making me sad realizing how little memories I have and how for so many years I was never living in the present moment. Sometimes my friends will be going though photos of us and say something like “aw I remember that day so well” and I will feel so guilty for not really remembering much. I feel like I was always thinking about what was on my to-do list or worrying about so many other aspects of life that were beyond my control. As upsetting as it is, it does make me want to be more intentional with my time and keep focused on being present in each moment.

I do truly enjoy connecting with other people and I enjoy finding similarities in people who live completely different lives than me. That is something I enjoy about my newfound love for podcasts; I have been listening to a lot of Jay Shetty’s podcast “On Purpose,” and it has benefited me in so many ways. Jay is a former monk who has taken his knowledge and works hard to spread the beneficial information to everyone around the glove. He does this in solo episodes, but he also interviews a wide range of people from athletes to doctors to TV celebrities, and he asks them questions that go beyond these people’s professions…he gets down to their souls! Listening to him and all of these famous people who I once judged and criticized has only made me realize that my judgement of others is limiting myself and my potential, and this is also the same when it comes to judging myself. I know that I am also an empathetic person who cares deeply about the people I love, and I also do want everyone to be their best selves, but I do have to acknowledge that judgmental side and work on leaning into compassion and understanding when I find myself being critical.

I have been working on my communication skills and making sure I am speaking my mind in a mindful, but honest way. As I have said before, I used to avoid voicing my opinions or thoughts to avoid confrontation, but also to avoid coming off as rude or judgmental, as that is something I feel shameful about. When I think about it, I think it is because I have always hated how rude and judgmental my father is and I never want to turn out like him. I have gone over this in therapy and the difference is that I do not intend to hurt people, nor do I say anything rude to people! I do listen to others and can empathize with their stories and situations, and I also very much believe that I do not know what is best for anyone else’s life, just as they do not know what is best for mine. Life is a lot easier when we mind our own business and give up the idea of trying to “fix” people, but I also feel that life is better when we can have open, honest conversations with the people we love, and really anyone we come across in life.

As I continue on this journey, I will continue to give myself grace for my faults. I will acknowledge the fact that I am just a human being, just as everyone around me. We all have emotions, we all experience pain and grief, we all have bad days, and we are all just doing our best with the resources we have. I feel very blessed to have access to therapy, but honestly I am also grateful for the books and podcasts that are available to so many people worldwide that can help expand our mindsets and perspectives, and open our eyes to a healthier way of living. Make sure to take some time to pat yourself on the back for the fact that you are here today, and you are continuing to move forward every day. Happy Sunday, and happy full moon!

Need your help/support

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Hello to my lovely followers! I just want to say I appreciate all those who follow me on here and I am so happy that I have this space for myself and others! I recently joined a writing community and entered a writing contest where the winner is determined by how many votes my letter gets.

If you have a chance, I’d love if you’d click the link and read my letter, & if you like it you can vote for it! Thank you all in advance for your time and support!

https://theunsealed.com/contest-submissions/dear-me-thank-you

Short Sunday Post

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I have been doing a lot of reflecting on both myself and my friendships. I am so blessed to have so many close friends who are all so different from one another, and I too am still able to be myself with all of them.

As I grow older and move away from my people-pleasing tendencies, I am trying to be more mindful of how I listen to others as well as how I speak to them. I am coming to a point in my life where I find boundaries and honesty to be super important, and I am making sure that I speak my truth while being mindful of the other person’s emotions.

I used to silence myself and avoid saying anything that I felt could be confrontational or anything that could come off offensive, but as I grow up I am realizing that you’ll never be able to please everyone, but it is important that you’re always true to yourself. What matters is the intention behind your words and actions, and that you’re proud of your own choices/decisions.

I know that I am the only one who is guaranteed to be with me up until my dying day, so it is important that I honor myself and speak my truth while I’m here breathing. I know my intentions and goals, and if I continue to keep quiet, then I’ll never reach any goals.

Friday Feeling

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Happy Friday! I swear this week felt like it was going to be a long one on Tuesday, but somehow now we are here! I have been feeling proud of myself as I can feel myself finding it easier to let things go and not ruminate on them, while also allowing myself to feel my emotions as we are all human and emotions are normal!

From what I have been reading and listening to on podcasts, a common theme is that you need to feel to heal. Many people are running from something that happened to them in the past, or even something they did in the past, so you’ll find that they may develop addiction. Whether this is addiction to a substance, like alcohol or other drugs, or some people will become workaholics to distract themselves from their true stresses and needs, but what really needs to happen is that the trauma gets addressed.

Not many people seem to realize that our childhoods had a major impact on our psyche, and we carry that with us every day. Today psychologists are saying that a child’s personality is developed by age six, even though there is so much more development to take place, but during those first years, it is critical that certain needs are met. We may not remember everything from our childhood, but our brain does. Memories don’t leave, but they can be “filed away” so to speak, and often times the “negative” tendencies we have are stemming from some sort of childhood trauma.

Keep in mind that there are small traumas and big traumas, and also keep in mind that perception is reality. A parent may think they are helping their child by staying in an unhealthy relationship because “two parents are better than one,” but in the eyes of the child, if they’re witnessing the abuse (emotional or physical), they may not feel helped during those times.

When you were a child, the things that happened around you, or to you, were not your fault. Unfortunately as we grow older and become adults of our own, our mental health and issues become our responsibility. We can blame our parents or blame the bullies, but none of that will resolve your inner turmoil. You can help yourself, but sometimes we just need help along the way!

If you don’t have access to therapy, there are many free podcasts that can just start opening up new ideas and give new perspectives. I recommend Jay Shetty always, and I also found Gabrielle Bernstein because of an episode she had with Jay. I also recommend self help books/audio books such as “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” by Deepok Chopra, or “The Power is Within You” by Louise Hay or “The Four Agreements,” by Don Miguel Ruiz. These are just a few of the endless options that there are!

Find something that seems fun or interesting to you. If you find that something in your life keeps coming up, dig into that feeling/situation. Ask yourself questions, journal about your feelings- sometimes just taking the time to write our your thoughts can bring you clarity, because you’ve taken the time to slow down. If you have time this weekend, make sure to take some time to check in with yourself and do a little something to bring you joy. Have a wonderful Friday and wonderful weekend!

Looking In

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I’ve been slacking on the writing again. I guess not technically because I have written a few small poems as I recently started a new, anonymous instagram account. My period was super late this month so I was feeling not the greatest and felt so tired, but now I’m on the upswing! I took a few of the photos I posted on this blog and wrote poems over them, which is something I always had wanted to do, so I am excited to be trying that out.

I am working hard on talking to myself and thinking through feelings. I have been having issues with someone in my life that I unfortunately cannot avoid currently, and I am trying my best to not give that person my energy, but I keep finding myself so bothered.

I try to remind myself that we are all humans who have our own issues and traumas, and it’s not up to me to determine how someone should act or treat others, all I can do is focus on how I treat others and how I react. I don’t want anyone to ruin my good mood or healing, so I won’t let them! I will continue to pinpoint my trigger and work through it internally and hopefully I will be able to tolerate this person more over time.

I hope everyone has a good upcoming weekend!

New Month, New Intentions

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Happy September! I am feeling so good today, and felt like writing for a bit here on my lunch break! I am feeling very hopeful for this month; I joined that writing community I previously posted about, I am focusing on my health, and I am still making sure to practice gratitude daily! We have four months left of 2022, and I want to make them count.

Life feels so much better when you live with intention. When you just let life happen to you, it feels chaotic and like there is no sense of control. Granted, there are so many things that are beyond our control, but when you take time to set intentions, check in with yourself, and feel through your emotions, it does help you to feel in control of yourself- which is truly the only thing you can control.

For me, I used to feel like my mind was controlling me, and not the other way around. I have been on my fair share of anxiety medications, and I have seen different therapists; it took years to even get to where I am now, and I know I still have work to do, but I feel like I am finally the one in control of my mind. When I feel like I am anxious or sad or angry, I take a moment to look within and start questioning where it is coming from- this alone has helped me a ton!

This month I will continue on my journey of healing and mindfulness, and I am excited to see what is in store!

Celebrate Yourself

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Today is Friday and I am so excited for the weekend! My boyfriend and I are attending a friend’s wedding tomorrow, but other than that I am free to relax and take some time for myself. After how busy last weekend was for me, I am happy to be able to slow it down a bit while still having the opportunity to see friends and have a good time!

I was doing a bit of reflecting yesterday and I am honestly so proud of how far I have come on my mental health journey; I was thinking about how I was when I first moved out with my boyfriend and it truly feels like night and day. I still have plenty of work to do, but now it doesn’t feel so daunting and impossible!

When I first removed myself from an environment of constant chaos and unpredictability, my body didn’t even know how to handle the calm, peaceful life I was entering. My nervous system was stuck in a state of turmoil and I always felt like my mind was racing and I was running with it! I could never sit still and relax, instead I’d hyper focus on tasks that “needed to be completed,” and I’d feel out of control if I ever took a minute to breathe.

I still have days where it’s hard for me to sit down and unwind, but now my boyfriend and I both have learned how to handle it better. For example, earlier in the week was rough for me- I was starting my period and this time around my hormones felt super out of whack and I was feeling depressed. I honestly haven’t felt that low in quite a while, but instead of giving into that feeling, I was able to remind myself that this is temporary and has a lot to do with my cycle. I didn’t sit and think that I was going to be depressed forever, and I didn’t give myself a hard time for it.

I had told my boyfriend that I was going on a walk, which he encouraged, but I kept stalling and saying that I had things to do around the house and he could tell I was feeling anxious and overwhelmed. He looked at me and said “you need to go on your walk, and only think about your walk while you’re on your walk.” He was right, and I knew that already but just hearing it from him and out loud was something that I needed. I ended up going on my walk and I felt so much better when I came home. I cleaned up what I needed to, I showered, and then he helped me cut up veggies for the big salad I was making for the week.

It’s incredible how much of an impact that walk had on me, and I understand why everything I read and listen to about mental health says it is important to move your body every day. For me, just walking for 30-40 minutes made life feel so much more bearable, and it was nice to take some time to myself.

I feel so very blessed every day to have a wonderful man by my side who has grown with me over the years, who has learned how I operate and how to help me when I am struggling, and who loves me every step of the way. I used to feel like my brain was on fire and I was such a raging b*tch to him even when I didn’t want to be, and I knew he didn’t deserve it which made me hate myself/my brain quite a bit.

Lucky for me, he always saw the real me underneath all of the anxiety; and now I can finally see me as well. I am forgiving myself for past mistakes as I now understand why I was the way I was, and my goal is to continue healing and keeping this relationship strong, as I know we will have a solid foundation for our future together and our future as parents. That is still a couple years down the road, but that just gives me more time to work on myself!

Make sure you take time to look at who you were five years ago and then look where you are today; we all love to hate on ourselves and feel like we aren’t moving forward, but it’s a much nicer habit to celebrate yourself! Look at how you handle certain situations compared to how your past self would! Give yourself credit where it is due, and make a plan for the things you still want to work on. You deserve a happy life!

Giving Grace

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I did so well about starting my morning routine on Monday, but I haven’t been getting to bed early enough and that made it harder yesterday and today. Today I am up earlier than I was yesterday and I am here writing in my blog, so I count that as a victory!

Normally I am super hard on myself, but I am actively working on trying to give myself more grace and be the friend to me that I am to others. I have no problem reminding friends that we’re all human and it’s okay to deviate from plans or make mistakes, as long as we learn and grow, so why wouldn’t I deserve that same treatment?

Do I wish I would have stayed more consistent this week? Of course! But does that mean I should give up completely and call it a failure? Absolutely not! All I can try to do is be better than I was yesterday, and remind myself that I am doing this as a benefit to myself.

The goal tonight is to be off my phone by 9pm and asleep by 10pm, that way I can get my eight hours of sleep; this will make it easier for me to get up in the morning. I was normally in bed around 10pm for a while, but I think having Covid and sleeping all throughout the day kinda messed the schedule up.

A lot is going on around me lately that could be stress inducing, but I am doing my best to remember that I can only control my mindset and my reactions. Everything happens for a reason, and when things don’t work out, it’s usually because something better is on the horizon! All will happen as it should.