Monday Motivation

I’m happy to be writing this today in a much better state of mind than I was in the last post. I am taking my duloxetine prescription every other day right now, and I added in daily B6, B12 and Magnesium supplements that were recommended by my therapist. I’m planning to go on a walk after this post and soak up the sun and just pay attention to the beautiful world around me. My therapist recommended that I work my stresses/anger out with meditation and working out, which is something I have been meaning to start doing but haven’t actually done.

In a way, I think me coming off my medication and realizing how NOT okay I am has been a great thing! I thought I was making so much progress, and although it was a hard pill to swallow when I realized that I hadn’t, it is better to know now so I can do the work that is needed. I may add another therapist into the mix, as my current therapist is extremely busy, but I also am thinking about seeing someone who is more holistic in practice. It can be nice to get different viewpoints and advice, and I also know I don’t want to be on any more medications so if I can avoid that I will.

I am also looking at self-help books and podcasts, as I feel like the more I immerse myself in healing and learning about how to deal with anxiety, the better I can help myself. Us humans have been living in a social media world for decades at this point; we constantly are scrolling and absorbing post after post, switching from angry to sad to happy and I am sure this has some effects on mental health. I downloaded all of my data and deactivated my Facebook last week, and I am proud of myself for cutting that off as it truly was an addiction. I already have noticed a positive difference in how I feel and how I use my time.

I keep saying I am going to write more, and I will. This is going to help me with my healing and will keep me focused on the goal. If I find myself scrolling, I will work on redirecting myself to writing, reading, meditating, or getting some exercise. All I want is to be able to truly love myself, and in order to do so I have to actively practice self-love. I know I am not perfect, and I will not do this all the time, but as along as I remind myself how important this is and keep coming back to it, I will make progress.

Feels like Summer

It could be the warm weather and the sun, but I’ve been feeling great this weekend! Of course I still have some irritability with the PMS and lack of anxiety medication, but overall I’ve been feeling pretty motivated!

I deactivated my Facebook since I waste too much time on there, and I want to focus more on writing, reading and crafting! I kept my other socials for now, but I think twitter might be next to go. I will keep instagram as I can use that for marketing my Etsy shop and posting my creations!

Yesterday my boyfriend and I spent most of the day together and then in the afternoon we had his brother over and a couple of friends. We ended up just playing bags and hanging out, it was actually a nice time!

Today my friend came over with her sister and her son and we went swimming across the street from my house. It was a great day to swim, and we all had a nice time catching up on our tans (or sunburns… LOL)! They left a while ago and I decided to go on a walk and I actually found a $10 bill! I’m taking that as a sign that things are heading in the right direction.

I have to work tomorrow, but luckily I make my own hours on Monday so I can really do whatever I want! I just need to get patient insurances for the rest of the week and enter some insurance checks that come in! I am feeling like there is a good week ahead of me!

Mind Over Matter

“Mind over matter.” That expression is something that my mother always says to me; whether I’m feeling sick or I’m overwhelmed with work, she always reminds me of this saying.

I used to get so mad as a kid when I was feeling sick and she would say this to me, because I really just felt like “if I could make myself feel better, then I wouldn’t be sick.” Growing up I am learning that I can control how I respond and react to situations; even in those instances where I feel ill, if I focus more on what’s going on around me, usually I can “lessen” those symptoms.

For now, my focus is to learn how to be at peace. I’m learning to let go of other people’s issues, and even better, not to take them on in the first place. Of course I will always have empathy and sympathy for my friends and family, but I will not allow it to consume me.

Your mind is such a powerful tool, and although we use it daily, there are small things we can do to truly change our way of thinking. Focusing on being grateful and positive, and remembering how blessed we truly are will only benefit us in the long run.

It’s so easy to sit and get down on ourselves, but instead of feeding our minds with negative thoughts and self-doubt, we should encourage ourselves like we do our friends. I never tell my friends that they’re stupid or failing, because that’s rude and hurtful and also untrue- yet I’ll sit and tell myself that over and over again in my head all day. But what does that do for me? Nothing good.

Calm and content.

Well it’s Tuesday at 11:08pm and I just remembered that I still hadn’t posted here yet. I’d like to say I’ve been busy and motivated, which I guess is somewhat true, but also I feel like I haven’t been doing anything. I mean I’ve been working and then just hanging with my boyfriend. We did grab lunch with a couple friends on Sunday which was nice.

I’ve been enjoying my time with my boyfriend, and we actually went looking at rings over the weekend to give him some ideas (his suggestion)! I am so happy to be spending my life with him, and although I’m excited for the proposal, I don’t want to know anything about it. I don’t care where it is, who is there, if it’s photographed or not… I just want it to be a surprise.

He had asked me recently if I wanted the proposal to be in front of people or if I wanted it to be just us and I told him I didn’t care. I honestly feel like it being just us makes the most sense, I mean we are each other’s best friend and it’s always just us two, but again I won’t care either way.

I’ve kind of enjoyed just slowing down a bit this past week and moving into this week. It gives me time to appreciate things a bit more as I feel like I can take time to observe and take everything in. I am seeing my therapist this Friday and I honestly am excited, because I feel like I’m in a good headspace so we can start digging into more parts of my brain.

I’m getting tired as I type this, so I’ll close this off. I honestly was planning to write more, but I didn’t even make my weekly Sunday post this week sooooo no promises.

Feeling better

I am finally starting to feel normal again. This morning I had a follow up appointment with my PCP and she prescribed omeprazole to help with my symptoms, so I’m hoping this helps as well and everything goes away.

This is going to be a productive week at work as we only have patients coming in on Friday, so we get to play catch up on claims and billing which is much needed! This office had some less than competent people up front for the past several months, so there is plenty to clean up!

It is so satisfying to get messes fixed and organize the office. I can’t wait to get everything exactly how I want it and continue to bring in new patients to the practice. For this week I am planning to get off around 3-4pm every day, so I will be working on crafting projects and exercising.

I have to continue to work on myself and I have to stop all of the self-loathing. I broke down on Saturday, because I just was feeling like I was ruining everyone’s plans and I was constantly forgetting things. After talking to my boyfriend, we came to the conclusion I have spread myself too thin with work/friends(weddings).

With my hands in too many things, I can’t be giving 100% to everything, and that makes me more upset because I have pretty high expectations of myself. I have to take a step back and think things through before I’m saying “yes!” to everyone and ask myself if it’s something I can actually handle taking on. Boundaries are important, and they only work if you enforce them.

Not having a great time

I’m still having issues with my health; random nausea and this morning I was having random sharp cramping. I can’t remember if I said but mother nature finally made her appearance 13 days late, which was a relief in a way, but also it’s sounding like my next step might be a GI doctor.

I have a follow up appointment on Monday at 8am, but it has to be Telehealth since I’ve been vomiting (even with my negative covid test). I feel like they’re just going to tell me go to the GI doctor; honestly I do have a fear of being diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. But I do need to take care of myself, so I will listen to what the doctor says on Monday.

I’ve been having a rough mental health day/week. Today I was bawling my eyes out in the car with my boyfriend because I feel like I’m constantly ruining everyone’s plans. My best friend got married yesterday and the plan was for everyone to go to the bar after the dinner, and unfortunately I felt like garbage after dinner and a couple drinks so I went home after dinner.

I felt terrible about that and then I also ruined planed with another friend today. She was supposed to come over with a couple other people for wedding crafts, and I forgot that my boyfriend wanted to go see a car that was an hour away from home, which messed up the plans. Then we also forgot that we had an appointment at 2pm for someone to come out and measure for our windows to be replaced, but luckily we made it back in time.

The other thing was my boyfriend had an appointment to see that car at 12pm, and his brother stayed over last night and we wanted breakfast this morning. When we went to breakfast it took a little longer than normal because it was busy, and then we were late to the 12pm by almost an hour. When we got there, we were told they just sold that car five minutes prior. So then I felt even more like shit.

I just haven’t been myself and I’ve been super stressed and I feel like I’ve been holding a lot in that I just need to let out. I’m so annoyed and frustrated with myself, but my boyfriend was saying how he gets so upset when I’m so hard on myself and how he wasn’t even upset with me or anything. I just have been completely out of it lately with everything going on with my health too.

Anyways, I’m just so exhausted and I’m really needing to just push through this shit. Tomorrow is going to be sunny and 60 degrees, so I need to make sure I go on a walk. I also am going to grocery shop and get some healthy options, as I need to start treating my body better. I’m excited to spend the rest of the day just relaxing and spending time with my boyfriend. I’m ready to start feeling better and feeling more like myself.

Going through it

I totally missed my Sunday post; I even had Monday off but still didn’t post because I’ve just been exhausted. A lot of weird stuff has been going on with my health so that’s also annoying. Today I’m off because I threw up this morning, and I told my regional coach that I felt like maybe I could still go in but she said to take care of myself.

All morning I was on the phone with doctors and nurses and schedulers and they came to the conclusion that I should get a certain lab test so I went to the hospital earlier for that and now I just wait for a call, although I already know the result. I don’t feel like going too much into detail right now as I don’t really know what is going on.

I can say I had a breast ultrasound on Monday for a lump I found a few weeks ago, and luckily it was only a benign cyst. I was a bit worried about that as I do have a family history of breast cancer, but I am blessed to say that it was nothing worrisome. For now I will rest and wait for the phone call with this next test result.

Feeling feelings

Been irritable lately and overthinking a lot. I had a fun weekend, but there were also parts that made me upset but I made sure to let it all go because we were celebrating a good friend for her bachelorette party.

I’ve been feeling people’s emotions and passive aggressiveness lately and it’s been draining. I also feel lack of communication is hurting a relationship right now, but I also don’t know how to address it and it’s not a good time at all. At this point it would be rude to do/say anything so I will just have to wait.

I am just tired right now and am ready to go to bed. I have to work tomorrow and honestly I am kind of excited to start off the month on a good note at work! I think my career life will be thriving soon, I just have to get through a couple months of fixing up quite a few issues.

Meh

Yesterday was a bad mental health day. Although I was productive, I was feeling very “meh” all day and was just being very hard on myself. I am able to recognize when I am being hard on myself and when I’m overworking myself, but I can’t seem to stop it. My hardest struggle right now is the new job.

I love my new job, honestly! There’s just quite a few things that are similar to one of my previous jobs, and unfortunately it’s a bit triggering for me and my body. I’m not throwing up daily or anything like I did at the job I’m referring to, but there’s just an overwhelming amount of mistakes to fix again, and it feels like I’m drowning in it.

I find myself having difficulty sleeping again, and constantly dreaming about being at work. The good thing is that all of my coworkers and higher ups are very encouraging and are so pleased with me and they tell me daily that I’m doing a great job- and I know I am too- I just can’t help but feel like I’m never doing enough.

I feel like I mainly have this issue when I’m in leadership positions at work, because I feel like everything comes down on me (even though it’s not true because this is a team effort) and I put way to high of expectations on myself. I want to make sure no one is stressed, including myself, so I overwork myself trying to prevent anything from going wrong. The problem is, I keep walking into jobs where there is A LOT of clean up, so mainly everything is going wrong until I can fix it all.

I’m going to learn a balance; luckily my regional coach is always reminding me that they don’t want me to burn out. She told me that it’s very easy to want to work all day as there will always be stuff to do, but work/life balance is important. I just have to be better at setting myself a boundary so I stop over-working myself and stop making myself more anxious.

Quick Monday

It’s my last Monday at my current job! This is bittersweet as I love my coworkers and I also have really enjoyed this job, I just miss having more responsibilities (and more money of course)! I start training at the new job this Thursday, and literally they told me I can do my compliance training at home which is so nice!

I have nothing but good feelings about this new job; I think this is the first time I’ve truly felt confident going into a job. Of course we all have normal anxieties around it as I have a whole new system to learn, but I know I’ll grasp it quickly.

I have this thing when I start new jobs, I want to try to start a new life habit, and I really need to incorporate working out into my life, so I need to work up a schedule for myself for once I am more settled with my regular hours. I will have to work on that later today. For now, off to work!