Coming to the end.

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I’m looking forward to the new year. I’m ready to get back into the gym and make it a routine, and hopefully develop an overall healthier lifestyle throughout the year. I am looking forward to working on my writing, both poetry and my general blog posts, such as this one. I’m looking forward to visiting a couple of friends out of state, and hopefully going to Hawaii as well! I am also excited to continue therapy and working on myself.

Although for the past couple of weeks I have been really feeling the “good-fucking-bye 2019- I will not miss you at all” vibe, I do realize that there were some great things that happened this past year. Even though I have been extremely stressed out, I know that I have made progress in both myself and my career. I feel like this is the first year where I have really learned how to say “no,” and I have set healthy boundaries with certain relationships. I definitely still have work to do, but seeing how far I’ve already come only makes me want to continue moving forward.

This year I was able to leave my place of work that I very much disliked, and I found a job where I have a boss who genuinely cares about her employees. I also have freedom when it comes to my schedule and how I want to do things in the office. I’m not going to lie, this job has been the most stressful one I have had in my entire life- I literally used to throw up every morning before work for two months straight because my anxiety was so  high. I knew that it would get better though, and now that I have been here for over six months I feel like it has gotten much better. There is still plenty to do, but it is getting to be more manageable.

Although I did not stick to the ketogenic/low-carb lifestyle, I feel like I still had an improvement with my relationship with food. I am not going to do another strict diet anytime soon, but I am going to limit my sugar intake and make sure to avoid binge eating. I want working out/going to the gym to become a hobby for me again. I feel like the best part of working out is the fact that you are truly benefiting yourself and practicing a form of self-care. Caring about your health is important, and this upcoming year I turn 25 and people tell me its harder to lose weight and get the body you want the closer you get to 30+ (so basically its now or never).

I am excited to see what 2020 brings. Oddly enough, I am very optimistic about this upcoming year. I feel that may be because I know that I can control my attitude and responses to situations and make the year great all on my own. Of course I expect life to take a few shits on me throughout the year, but I know that I can handle anything. Luckily for me, I don’t have to handle it on my own, as my boyfriend will be right by my side supporting me and loving me; so when life inevitable shits on us, we will get through it together.  ♡

Merry Christmas

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I hope everyone had a wonderful day. This was my least favorite Christmas ever, and I plan to do it much different next year.

This year my parents and I decided not to do presents, which I was fine with because I need to save money and we’re all adults. My boyfriend and I also decided not to do Christmas presents because we want to invest in a new bed within the next few months. I only got gifts for one friend and her child, which was fun, but I just wish I would have done more.

I always love giving people gifts and I feel like that really helps to keep me in the Christmas spirit. I told my boyfriend that next year I would like to do gifts again, and he said that was fine.

Another thing I want to do next year is get a child or two off of a giving tree or angel tree. Or maybe donate to a local animal shelter. I feel like I should be giving more and I would feel better. I know I don’t have to wait for a certain time of year to do that, it just seems like a good time.

Well, Christmas is over so New Year’s eve is next which I’m looking forward to. I’m ready to say goodbye to 2019 and not look back. Don’t get me wrong, I had some positive changes in myself as well as my career, but overall I just feel that 2019 had a lot of sadness and stress. I just know that 2020 will be much better. ♡

Our thing.

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My boyfriend and I have been together for over eight years now, and I absolutely love him and our life together. I feel that our relationship is much different than other people’s relationships nowadays, and I feel very lucky to have him in my life.

My boyfriend and I honestly don’t have a lot of shared interests. For example, he loves working on cars and playing video games, when neither of those things interest me. I like to shop, be outdoors and go places, but he likes to stay home. Although we don’t have many hobbies that we both enjoy, we have both agree on what we want our future to look like.

We know that the home we’re in now is not forever home; we’ve debated on selling this house vs. renting it out once we’re ready to move to the next home. We know what we want in the next house and know what we will and won’t settle for. We know where we went to live and how much we’re willing to spend.

My boyfriend and I also know that we do not want kids until after we’re married. We will be getting married likely in 2021 or 2022, we’re not engaged yet, so depending on when we get engaged will determine what year we get married. We’d like to get married on our anniversary date of October 2nd, and we both would not like to be engaged for much longer than a year (if even that long). We want two children, three maximum.

Today we were at a birthday party for our friends’ one-year-old, and it made me think about how fun it will be when him and I are parents. I started picturing us planning the party and being there with our little baby, and then my mind wandered into thinking about Christmas with our future kids. It got me to thinking that maybe parenting together will be “our thing.” If parenting is looked at as a fun hobby, I feel like that can only have a positive outcome!

Luckily we also both agree on how we will be raising our children. We share the same views on electronics for children and the important of them being outside and socializing with others. We both agree on what’s too far for discipline and what is appropriate. We know we want to raise strong, independent children and we will love them unconditionally and teach them to love themselves. Obviously parenting will not be easy and there’s so such thing as a perfect parent, but if we enjoy raising our children together I feel that can only benefit the whole family.

I’m not ready for children yet, and neither is he. We also agree that 28 is the minimum age that I’d like to be to have a baby. We have a lot to do before we can bring a child into this world; not to mention I’d like to do a bit more traveling before I have to do so with a child with me. For now I will be focusing on myself and practicing different forms of self-care, which I hope will benefit my future.

For right now, him and I are just going to do our own things, and we will both be cheering each other on. I love that we both love and care about each other so much, and even though we have different interests/hobbies we still support each other’s goals and help each other whenever we can. The other thing is we always make sure to let the other person know that they’re appreciated, every single day. Communication and appreciation are very important in any relationship. ♡

The color grey.

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I feel like the color grey. Dull. Nowhere near being bright or noticeable, yet also not completely dark.

I feel like a crisp winter day with nothing but gloomy skies; the sky still slightly bright outside as the sun hides behind the clouds.

I feel like the shadows on the walls that appear as a result of the dancing flames from the candlelight.

I feel like a lazy Sunday afternoon when you know you should be cleaning or baking, but you can’t seem to get out from under your warm, weighted blanket.

I feel like those days that feel harder than most. The days where nothing seems to go right, yet you still somehow survive and feel completely defeated.

I feel like that drive home after a long, tiring day. Having no desire to sing along to your favorite songs, and sinking in that overwhelming feeling of exhaustion pouring over you.

I feel like someone who hasn’t slept in days, yet has also slept 14+ hours straight. Unmotivated and out of it with a lethargic soul.

I feel many things, yet also nothing, all at the same time. I feel like the color grey.

Gloomy

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It’s just a grey day and it’s making me feel so tired. Luckily I was very productive this morning when I initially got up around 8:30am. Once I finished chores and making myself some breakfast I went back to bed and took a 2.5 hour nap.

I still need to go to the store today but my boyfriend is going with me and right now he’s playing video games so I’m just relaxing for now. The only issue is I feel like I could literally take another nap. I hate winter for this very reason.

I have fun plans these next coming weekends so I’m trying to stay focused on that and hopefully that will get me through the weeks. It blows my mind that it still technically isn’t even winter yet, and that also scares me because I feel like I’m already struggling.

Okay, maybe I am going to set an alarm for 30 min and take a quick nap, because my eyelids are so heavy right now. ♡

Train ride

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I’m on the train to Chicago to meet up with one of my best friends for a city adventure day! We’re pretty much playing it by ear, but I’m sure we’ll end up at the new huge Starbucks that recently opened at some point today. I’m excited to be out and having a good time for the weekend; I think I deserve it after working 50+ hours this week.

Work has been stressful, yet also manageable at the same time. I’m having an internal battle with myself when it comes to the hours I’m currently working. One one hand, it’s great that I’m there open to close every day because then I know nothing is getting messed up, but if I want this to be my long-term job, I’m not going to want to work like this all the time. I’m already exhausted as it is, and I don’t want to burn out and quit because I know that this is a great place to stay.

I get paid well at my job and have plenty of flexibility/freedom. Not only does the doctor I work for let me take off whenever I want, but she has a house in Hawaii and she’s always encouraging her employees to just to find some time to take a week off and go stay at her place. I want to do that so bad, but also can’t afford a flight right now. Not only that, but I have plans to visit friends in far places come 2020 so I’m already going to be paying for multiple flights.

I’ve been really focusing on the blessings in my life. I feel that I cannot complain or be upset when I’m seeing the people around me in such shitty situations. I hate when my friends are struggling and when I can’t do much to help. Selfishly, I also hate how much I’m still letting their lives affect mine- which is why I’ve been trying to focus on the positive aspects of my life and life in general. I’m tired of being stressed and upset over things that don’t even directly have an effect on my life.

Luckily today I am spending the day with a drama-free, smart, responsible, adventurous friend! That is what I need in my life and whenever we hang out, even if it’s just chilling in her living room, it’s always a great time. We’re always laughing and encouraging each other to keep staying strong and being positive in life. It’s important to spend time with people who genuinely care about you and who don’t add stress to your life. ♡

December ❆

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This December my goal is to stay in the holiday spirit! I’m wanting to spread cheer and good energy, even when the world is being negative. I feel like people are so stressed around the holidays, when these are the times we need to enjoy.

My idea of holiday spirit starts in the home, with Christmas lights and decorations. We unfortunately do not have a tree, and that is because our cats will destroy it within five minutes of it being up. I do, however, hang Christmas lights up over the windows and usually some snow flake decor.

If simple things like Christmas candles and lights can make you smile, why not surround yourself with them! I also love the special holiday drinks that are available! My go-to drinks are the Chestnut Praline Latte from Starbucks and the Frosted White Chocolate Latte from Dunkin’. The only issue is they’re packed with sugar and calories, but that’s why I don’t treat myself to them every day (and luckily they’re only seasonal).

My boyfriend and I are throwing an ugly christmas sweater party this year and I’m honestly really looking forward to it. We’re going to have a hot chocolate bar and holiday themed snacks! I also want to make a holiday cranberry champagne thing I saw on Pinterest. I already have my list of food and items I need for the party, and then a separate list for gifts that I need.

My parents and I decided not to do gifts this year, which honestly I’m thrilled about. More money in my pocket!! (Lol kidding, more gifts for other people). My boyfriend and I also decided no gifts but we are just getting things for the house, which I love! I have a select few people I want to give gifts to and I am going to make individualized christmas gift baskets for each of them. Then I just have a couple babies to buy for and a four-year-old (aka the fun gifts!)

Making lists and planning ahead really keeps my anxiety down and I think this is going to help me make it through December with minimal winter blues. If anyone has any suggestions or wants to share their plans for this December, please do! ♡

Actual Thanksgiving

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I’m thankful for many things in my life. For one, I am very thankful for my boyfriend. This man loves me unconditionally, truly believes I’m the most gorgeous woman on this planet, and he is hard-working and ambitious. He has stuck around for over eight years; helping me through panic attacks and depressive episodes and never making me feel that I am defined by my mental illnesses.

I am also very thankful for my friends. I have friends who are great mothers. I have friends who are adventurous and exciting. I have friends who like to just chill and talk about anything. Most importantly, all of these friends are supportive and care about me. For that, I am forever grateful.

I am thankful to be a cat mom of three beautiful, black fur babies. People who think black cats are bad luck and evil are completely wrong, as my babies are so sweet and cuddly. Although Mushu can be hyper and crazy at times, she still loves snuggling at the end of the day.

I’m thankful for my family, and that I still have many of my family members around. I’m especially thankful for my mom, who loves and supports me 24/7, and also takes my after work phone call every day. I’m thankful for my aunts and grandma and my cousins, even if I don’t get to see them often.

Although I can recognize all of these wonderful aspects of my life, today I still feel off. I feel like nothing. I don’t know how else to explain it. I’m not angry or depressed, I’m not excited or happy; I really just want to be laying in bed doing nothing. I feel myself having no motivation these last few days and it’s making me upset with myself. I told myself I could fight the seasonal depression and that it’s all in my head, but I was wrong. No, I’m not giving up, more-so I’m just accepting the fact that it is real and it is something I struggle with.

I want to keep trying to visit people and make myself productive, but I’m also so exhausted by life. I’m exhausted by the darkness and the grey skies. I’m exhausted at work and exhausted at home. I don’t want to do anything. But hey, at least I’m writing. ♡

Thanksgiving

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I don’t like Thanksgiving. I never really have, and I don’t feel bad saying or feeling this way. I feel happy for those who enjoy the holiday, I just don’t happen to be one of those people. The food isn’t my favorite, getting together with my family isn’t exactly my favorite either. I don’t know… I just really don’t like it. I feel blessed and thankful every day of my life, and I don’t think me not liking the holiday makes me a shitty person.

I’m not exactly feeling right. I don’t want to say I feel depressed, but I just don’t feel as energetic and motivated as usual. Yesterday, I organized the cabinets under the bathroom sinks and I felt really accomplished after that. I also did my laundry yesterday and the dishes. I went to the grocery store today and it’s my day to relax, but instead my brain is running a million miles a minute.

One of my good friends is going through a lot right now, and I feel bad that I’m not around to help. At the same time though, I feel like if I were around it wouldn’t be good for me because I get too involved and literally forget about myself and my feelings. I know that I will start to feel what she’s feeling, and I don’t think I can do that right now. I’m trying hard to work on myself. I’m trying to remind her how strong she is on her own and that she doesn’t need shit people in her life. I want to help, but also have to do so at a healthy distance.

I’m also already really annoyed by my family Christmas plans. We had a whole group chat exchange today about the Christmas get-together date that was literally just a bunch of pointless sass just to end up picking the same day we had originally picked. I’m also annoyed that we revolve everything around the people who aren’t even technically family, but whatever.

I’m really looking forward to everyone asking me where my boyfriend is at the Christmas event like they do every year. (BTW that was complete sarcasm in case you couldn’t tell). Literally it’s always the same answer, but they ask like I’m going to have some new reason. Honestly, I don’t even want to be there. I like visiting family members one on one, but when we get together as a big group it makes me anxious and someone always ends up bickering. Overall, it’s just not that great of a time to me.

I am thankful that I have family members around and in my life, but I can only handle them in small doses. And, again, I’d rather hang out with one or two family members at a time than all of them at once. I’m annoyed with myself for feeling so shitty around the holidays. Christmas eve should be fun because my best friend is moving back in town and we’re going to start Christmas Eve traditions together with her son!

I can’t wait (and also totally can) for when my boyfriend and I have our own family in the future and have our own holiday traditions. Right now I just want to buy a bunch of cute stuff for our house and make it all festive. I want a white/grey area rug and an electric fireplace that we can mount on the wall. We also want a new bed though and a new TV. I keep spending a bunch of money though so I’m trying to stop myself from doing that.

I feel like I keep spending money and I really need to stop. My credit card is so high from the cruise and then my new tattoos. But also I just want to get new stuff for the house so when I’m busy hibernating this winter I’ll at least enjoy my surroundings. Not that I don’t already, but there’s so much I want to do to our house. I keep thinking about going to Walmart and looking at desks and area rugs, but I’m also lazy as hell and don’t feel like putting a bra back on. I was almost too lazy to write on this today but I don’t want to let myself down because I’ve been very consistent with posting every Sunday. At least I did that today, despite how weird I’ve been feeling.

Today I got myself my favorite holiday drink from Starbucks, and I turned on the Christmas lights hanging in my living room. Honestly, just those small touches of Christmas really made me feel better. ♡

tired, stressed and blessed.

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Yesterday I got a couple of awesome tattoos on my left arm, as I’m working on my sleeve. I should only need two to three more sessions until my arm is done! I absolutely love getting tattoos, and I’m happy that I booked this appointment six weeks ago because I definitely my needed some ink therapy after this shit week.

I’m also happy I had an actual therapy session on Friday after work. Honestly, I did have a nice weekend as I got to visit one of my best friends and her baby girl (aka my goddaughter ♡). We had a fun night out and it was so awesome to see her little one walking and basically talking! I did get my first speeding ticket on the way there, but I honestly laughed it off because this week was absolute shit and it’s just hilarious to me that of course I’d also start the weekend off with a speeding ticket.

Every day this week at work something had to go wrong. Whether it was an angry patient, or an internet outage, it never seemed to end. I felt like I was drowning all week in work and I have just been overly exhausted. To be fair I did just get over a terrible sinus infection, but I feel like the time change really messed with me this year.

Literally on Monday night I was laying in bed with my boyfriend and I felt myself falling asleep. I looked up at him and asked him what time it was and he responded: “7:50pm.” I was like “wait what?? I can’t sleep right now, it’s so early!” Next thing I knew I closed my eyes and woke up again at 10:00pm and then just slept for the rest of the night until my 6:30am alarm on Tuesday. It was only the beginning of the week and I was already exhausted.

In the middle of the week I got starbucks with a friend who I haven’t seen in a while. I always love getting to see her and I’m so proud of the life she is making for herself. I feel like it’s good to surround yourself with responsible, caring people; and she is exactly that. I was of course tired and usually avoid going out during the work week, but she had a couple days off and we don’t really get many opportunities to see each other.

I won’t lie, I feel like I might be slipping a little into my seasonal depression. I feel exhausted and I don’t really want to do anything, even though I’m forcing myself to. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy seeing my friends and spending time with positive people, but sometimes I’d rather just be laying in my hammock or in my bed watching mindless television. I know it’s not good for me or productive, but I feel myself losing my energy and desire to leave the house. I’m trying to not focus on it and just keep making plans to keep myself going. Fake it ’til you make it, right?

I keep spending money that I don’t exactly have, but at the same time money always comes and goes. I deserve to treat myself and am generally responsible with my money. My credit card balance is a little high due to that recent vacation, as well as these new tattoos, but I know I’ll be able to pay a big chunk of it with my next paycheck. As long as I am able to pay my bills, I should be able to treat myself. Some part of me feels oddly guilty, or irresponsible and I can’t really understand it.

My therapist and I talked about guilt in our last session, and she said that no one can make you feel guilty unless you accept the guilt. She also admitted this is something she still has to work on. I often stayed at jobs longer than I should have because I felt guilty for leaving and making other people’s jobs harder. I have family members who love to try to make me feel guilty for hanging out with my friends more than with them. But if I am happy with the choices I’m making, I shouldn’t feel guilty. It seems I struggle most with making myself feel guilty for doing nice things for myself. I’m hoping to work on this and get over it.

Well it’s only 6:47pm, but I’m tired as fuck. I want to try to start editing videos for my future youtube channel that my boyfriend and I will be doing. I am going to start looking at different apps or see if I’d rather do them on my laptop. Not sure if I’ll start editing any tonight because I could literally fall asleep right now, but I’m going to start looking into what apps to use.

This week will be a better week than this past one. I meant it better be, because if it’s any worse I’ll probably have a mental breakdown and buy a plane ticket to somewhere warm with nice beaches. Honestly, I guess that doesn’t sound too bad haha. Well anyways, take a look at my new ink. ♡