Flying by.

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I can’t believe that it’s going to be February this upcoming weekend. I remember just a few weeks back, thinking about how “2020 is going to be my year” and how I’m going to work on myself. Today I got a little upset, because I realized that I hadn’t even been to the gym yet and it’s already about to be February. To be fair, the first two weeks of January literally took a shit on me and I nearly went to my doctor to up my medication; but somehow something shifted.

Last week wasn’t too bad, and this weekend my boyfriend and I actually went out together to two separate events which is rare for us- it was nice spending time together and with good company! Today when I got up I knew I needed to be productive, so I got out of bed and immediately started my laundry. Once my clothes were in the wash I decided I had to use that 40 minutes to do other chores around the house. I cleaned the litter boxes (my least favorite chore), emptied the dishwasher, washed the extra dishes, and took out the garbage. Yesterday I cleaned up the bathroom and swept, so that gave me some extra time to get ready.

After the wash cycle was complete I threw my clothes in the dryer and went out to get gas and go shopping. I just went to one store, but I got what I went for: a new purse, new wallet, and workout clothes (ya know, to motivate me). After I was done shopping I grabbed Panda Express for myself and my boyfriend and headed home. After we ate I decided that it was finally time to go to the gym, and I went to Planet Fitness for the first time!

I honestly like the vibe of the gym waaayyy better than my last one aka Anytime Fitness. I’m glad I joined this one, and it’s much cheaper than Anytime. I started off on the treadmill and did this workout that my favorite You-Tuber does (30 minutes on a speed of 3 and an incline of 12)! I’m sure I’ll feel that in my legs tomorrow. I honestly didn’t do too much after that. I walked around the gym to see where everything is, so next time I’ll have a better plan in place and I’ll get a good workout in.

I feel like this year is already flying by, so nows the time to start doing what I planned to do. I’m only hurting myself when I delay starting to work towards my goals. I will say that I did take a yoga class this month already, and my goal was to take at least one a month, so I’m on the right track for that one! I felt quite defeated and exhausted earlier this month, and I know that I don’t want to feel that way for the rest of the year- and I won’t. I will be sure to keep working on myself and taking care of myself, because I deserve it. We all do. ♡

Circles.

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Life has been rough lately, and music has always been something that helps me through tough times. Mac Miller (RIP ♡) recently had his newest album “Circles” released to the world. Hearing his voice on those tracks after thinking we wouldn’t hear any new music from him has been somewhat surreal. When he passed away it was one of the hardest celebrity deaths for me. I think what made it more difficult was that he had recently released his album “Swimming,” and I had related so much to so many of those songs and wanted to see him perform them live on his upcoming tour. My boyfriend and I were lucky enough to see him live a few years back, at a Lolla after show (definitely one of the best shows we have been to). I’ll never forget his energy in that venue; the love he has for music combined with his insane talent is truly a gift. I’m glad that we were blessed with what is likely to be his last album- and in my opinion, his best one. ♡

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“Well I’m way too young to be getting old.”

“Don’t you put any more stress on yourself, it’s one day at a time.”

“Some people say that want to live forever. That’s way too long, I’ll just get through today.”

“Why can’t it just be easy? Why does everybody need me to stay?”

“I need somebody to save me before I drove myself crazy.”

“I’m busy trippin’ ’bout shit that still ain’t even happened yet.”

“Inside my head is getting pretty cluttered. I’ve tried but can’t clean up this mess I’ve made. Before I start to think about the future, can I just get through a day…”

“Yeah sometimes the going gets so good, but then again it gets pretty rough.”

Malcolm McCormick (Mac Miller.) Circles. Warner Records Inc., 2020.

The Pattern.

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There’s this app called “The Pattern” that one of my coworkers showed me. I don’t look at it very often but I felt the need to look at it this evening, and honestly, it is incredibly relevant. I wanted to share this, as I feel I have been more self-critical than normal lately.

Now.

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I need to start living for the moment. I can feel myself letting my anxiety take over as I obsess over the future and things I have no control over. What is the point of torturing myself? The worst part right now is that my dreams are so realistic and they’re just all anxious/stressful dreams. Even when I’m trying to relax and sleep, I can’t get peace of mind.

I feel like I’ve been distant and selfish lately, but I also don’t even care. As bad as that might sound, I can’t handle anyone else’s shit right now (I’m barely hanging on dealing with my own shit). I also know I’m being hard on myself, but I can’t seem to stop my self-doubt from sneaking into all of my thoughts.

Today my boyfriend and I went out for coffee and this cute place in our town. I got a Gingerbread White Chocolate Latte and he had an Americano with cream and sugar. I told him that I was stating to feel like maybe I am a bad friend or I don’t show enough effort, but he reminded me that I don’t ever need to feel guilty for not doing something that I don’t want to do.

On our coffee date we started talking about our next home being our forever home, even if that means staying in our current townhome for several more years. We want to make sure that the next house is as close to dream house as it gets. I always enjoy planning our future together, but I also need to remember to live for now and enjoy our lives as they are currently.

Speaking of which we’re going to spend some time together now. I’m going to try hard to make this next week the best one of 2020 yet, which honestly shouldn’t be too hard to do.

Stumble

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I can feel myself moving backwards in my progress. The anxiety is back; it has been for a couple weeks and it doesn’t seem to be getting better. I feel so exhausted and defeated. I can see my lack of effort around the house, and it upsets me, I just don’t have the energy to fix it.

I’m overwhelmed at work which has caused me to make a couple mistakes, which isn’t helping with the constant anxiety and self doubt. I mean, I am aware that I’m too hard on myself… I always have been. In 5th grade I remember getting my report card and seeing all A’s and one big, ugly C and being so upset. I went home to my parents in tears and showed them the horror that was my biggest academic failure yet (I mean, it was 5th grade)! But guess what? They weren’t upset at all. They were proud of my A’s and weren’t angry about the C, but I still was.

I’ve always been like this, and I hate it. I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack by the time I’m 30 with the way I stress myself out. I want to learn to live in the present. I need to be at peace.

What is going on with me?

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I’m writing this at work on my lunch because I just feel the need to. I’m very anxious today; I threw up before work and all day I’ve been just “GO GO GO” all day and I need this break.

Last week was rough: I threw up before work, I worked almost 60 hours, and it was also that time of the month so I was already feeling super exhausted and anxious. I figured that this week would be better (because literally how couldn’t it be) and here I am, still very anxious and exhausted.

Last night I fell asleep at 8:30pm, which is very early for me. I have barely any appetite, I’m exhausted and I literally can’t tell if I’m actually ill or if it’s just my anxiety. Lately my anxiety has been sneaking into my dreams as well which is torture because they’re so realistic that I wake up confused and literally don’t know what’s real or not.

My next appt with my therapist isn’t until January 31- I’m always on the cancellation list but my boyfriend is suggesting that I try to talk to her on the phone before my appointment. I’m trying to deal with it on my own because I feel like I should be able to, its just rough right now.

Self Care Sunday

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Today my friend and I got up and went to a coffee shop for some lattes before our 10:30am Yin Yoga class. This was our first time taking this type of yoga class, and I’m glad we did! It’s a class where all of the poses are done sitting or laying down, and it focuses on long, deep stretches and meditation. I was in desperate need of it after this past week.

I don’t want to dwell on the past, so I’ll keep it pretty short and simple. I worked almost 60 hours this past week, which included Saturday when I went to work in scrubs because one of the dental assistants called off due to the weather (when it didn’t even snow until after 10am). Thankfully I had a tattoo appointment yesterday after work and my friend came out to visit me and stay over so we could go to the yoga class today.

This upcoming week will be better than the last one, and I have more plans to look forward to next weekend. I’m going out with a friend Friday night and she’s staying overnight. I also have plans to hang with another friend on Sunday as well! I just have to stay busy and make sure I’m making time and doing thing that I enjoy.

I am exhausted and am most definitely not ready for work tomorrow, but again it’ll be better than last week. I’m going to relax with my boyfriend and my cats now. Goodnight. ♡

this year is mine.

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I finally saw my therapist last Friday after six weeks without a session. She had to cancel one of our sessions earlier in December and she didn’t have any cancellations prior to this appointment I had for January 3rd, so it’s been a little longer than usual between sessions. I am always happy to see my therapist, and as usual we had a good session. I will say that it has left me with open eyes and I realize I am needing to deal with certain things in friendships/relationships. I have a problem where I often spread myself too thin and I feel like I over book myself, but it’s not always with things that I want to do. I can’t keep doing things that I don’t want to do, and I can’t keep accepting guilt from those who try to guilt trip me into doing certain things.

I am often exhausted; I typically drive to work before the sun is up and I come home long after it had already set. Besides my job, I also have to keep up with things at home such as laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking (which I plan to start doing more or this year), cat-moming, garbage etc. Not only that, but I am also trying to work on developing healthy habits such as going to the gym, reading more often, and focusing on my poetry. Now, I know I don’t have any children, and I know I’m not ready for them yet which is why my boyfriend and I take necessary precautions, but that does not mean I am not busy or stressed.

I understand that other people are stressed as well, as we all have different lives and stress, but I think people often look at me like I have all of the time in the world, when in reality I don’t. I do make sure to spend time with friends, but I typically will spread that out over weekends as again, I’m often very tired. I also love spending time at home with my boyfriend since I spend long hours away from him during the week. I know I have good friends who understand these things, and I also know that I have friends who enjoy spending time with me and would probably prefer I spent more time with them; but as adults we all need to understand that our priorities in life are changing, and we have more responsibilities taking our time.

What’s important is that I am happy with how I am spending my time. It is important to be a little selfish- we are the only people who will be with ourselves every day until we die. I feel that one of the most important things in life is to love and care about yourself, and for some of us it takes time and effort to get to that point. That is what I want to focus on right now. I am 24, I’m in a committed relationship, I have an Associates Degree, I’m a home-owner, and I am a manager of a dental practice. I work for what I want, and at this point I want to work on myself. This will also not only benefit me, but my relationship with my boyfriend, my friends, my family, and my future children. ♡

Goodbye 2019

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It is 9:08pm on NYE and my boyfriend and I are at home in our sweats with no plans to leave. Our evening shall consist of drinking wine (me) and whiskey (him) together while watching funny shows and playing checkers.

Well, actually I just looked over at my boyfriend who is laying in bed and his eyes were closed so I yelled out “hey! are you sleeping??” and he just looked up at me with his tired eyes and laughed. So who knows if we’re even going to make it to midnight… to be fair I didn’t last year! LOL

I drew out a schedule for myself that I will start in a few weeks once the Planet Fitness in my town opens up. I already signed up for my membership and got the more expensive one so I can bring a guest for free whenever I want. My 2020 schedule includes a steady workout schedule, as well as a plan to start cooking more and eating at home. I also have schedule in reading and writing, as well as yoga.

Another goal of mine is to sign up for a yoga and/or fitness class at least once a month. Lucky for me, I have a friend who wants to join me in yoga classes, so we can hold each other accountable! I am also going to continue seeing my therapist on a regular basis, and keep working on being the best version of myself.

I feel so lame because I am very tired right now. I think I’m going to pour myself a glass of wine and just chill and watch Netflix while my boyfriend sleeps; I mean I’m basically 24 going on 70. Well, tomorrow is the start of a new year, and a new decade- honestly, thinking of that makes me even more exhausted. I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe NYE, and I also hope 2020 brings nothing but blessings. ♡

Treating myself

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I feel like I’ve been treating myself a lot lately, and I’m having mixed feelings about it. On one hand I know that I am a hard worker and I am good with my money so I deserve to splurge every once in a while. However, on the other hand I already have a decent balance on my credit card and I feel like I shouldn’t be spending more money on myself until that’s paid off.

Today I went to the mall with my mom because I wanted to get my friend something for Christmas. My family and I go to Iowa for our family Christmas in January, and my friend lives in the same town as my family and I want to bring her and her daughter a little something for the holiday (and because I love them). I ended up getting a couple of cute things that I think they will really enjoy.

Although I succeeded in getting gifts for them, I also decided to buy myself some clothes and candles because “why not just treat myself!” right?? To be fair the candles were on sale, and I didn’t spend too much on clothes. I got a cute baggy sweatshirt that I’m wearing right now, as well as a post malone shirt and two sweaters. I could have been a lot worse, but I still have a lingering feeling of guilt in the back of my brain.

I have to remember that I am still responsible and good with my money, even if I do have a bit of money sitting on my credit card. I guess a good example is that I always make sure that all of our bills are able to be paid every month. We don’t pay bills late, and we always make sure to put the same amount of money in our account so we are equally responsible for all bills/groceries/etc. I also make sure my separate bills are paid as well, like my car and phone. Whenever I get paid I put money towards my credit card balance (when there is one)… it’s not like I am ignoring the debt that’s there.

Money has always been a struggle and almost a trigger for me. Not in the way that I’ve ever been in debt or huge financial trouble, but the fact that I just obsess over it and basically let it run my life. I really shouldn’t feel guilty for buying a couple of outfits and/or getting my nails done, when I am making sure all other important things are paid first. I should probably bring this up in therapy on Friday, but also is it even important or relevant? I mean I obviously just wrote a whole blog post about it so I guess so.