self care

Little bits of happiness.

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The sun has been shining all weekend long, and the weather has been in the 50s and 60s which has been great! Friday after work I went on a bike ride and then today I went on a walk through the park while listening to some good music. I’ve always said how being outside makes me feel so much better, and I’m grateful that I was able to experience that this weekend.

I started writing a poem the other night which made me feel happy- I haven’t really been hit with the inspiration and motivation to just stop what I’m doing and start writing in a while. There’s a lot of more time in the day today, and I’m sure my boyfriend will want to play video games so I’m going to sit down and do some writing.

I kind of want to mess around with my makeup today too, because why not? Or maybe I should declutter and reorganize a new area of the house. I mean, I guess I could do both if I really wanted to. We will see where the day takes me! I hope everyone else finds something to be happy about today. ♡

For you.

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This morning I did a kettlebell workout and also used my WonderCore- ya know, since I purchased it over a year ago and have only used it a handful of times. It feels great dedicating time to myself and knowing that it is only going to benefit me. I made sure to wash my face and moisturize, and I’m taking daily vitamins which again, will only benefit me.

One of the best parts of working out is listening to music and getting pumped up before and during the workout. I love listening to music, and discovering new songs and artists. I have Apple Music and I will usually just throw on R&B radio station and anyone that that I like, I just download their album, although there is a lot of R&B that I don’t like to workout to.

Often times I listen to music when I’m writing (as I’m writing this right now Jhené Aiko is playing in the background. Music has always been important in my life, as it is for most. I love to sing, and although I don’t currently play any instruments, I have an interest in learning piano, but also in making music on the computer with beats and what not (can you tell I know so much about it LOL)!

I also enjoy dancing, and lately I’ve been teaching myself how to dance with a hula hoop. I can’t wait for the sun to come out and warm weather so that I can practice outside and not have to worry about breaking stuff in the house and/or scaring my cats. For now, while it is grey and cold outside, I will continue to work on myself, both physically and mentally.

“Untitled”

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Trying not to get sucked into the negativity with everything that’s going on right now is just about impossible… but I’m really trying to practice self care during this time (which is why I’m writing this right now). I could definitely do better at eating healthy, but I am happy that I’ve been doing at-home workouts and I’ve been taking care of my skin. Working on yourself matters, and it’s important to develop healthy habits.

I’m not going to lie, I fucking hate this quarantine shit and how weird everything is right now. I miss being able to just get on the train to the city to visit one of my best friends and just being able to explore the city or go to the arcade bar or do whatever without having to worry about this insane virus. I miss being able to call up an old friend and go meet up for lunch. I just know when this is over, many people will start being more grateful for those things.

What’s even worse is the fact that so many people have lost their jobs during this pandemic, including a lot of my staff. I am lucky to be working right now, and I’m happy that my boyfriend is also working. We have a lot to be thankful for during this time, and I don’t want to take it for granted. We can continue to pay our bills, we can feed ourselves and our cats, and we get to spend more time together! In a way I feel guilty for being able to work all of my hours… but also, I have worked my ass off at this job and I’ve been the most stressed that I’ve ever been, so in a way I have earned this. Now is finally the time that I am catching up and cleaning things up at the office!

I hope people start staying home so we can get though this virus and flatten the curve and go back to normalcy. Remember that we are all in this together, and there are many people that are struggling right now. I have friends who have had to postpone their weddings. A family member of mine just went into labor at 28 weeks and gave birth to an almost 3lb baby girl, and as if that isn’t scary enough, we’re in the middle of a pandemic! No matter what you’re going through, we just remember we are all living through this coronavirus outbreak together.

People are dying from this virus, and what’s terrifying is that people can not have symptoms and can just be spreading it everywhere without knowing. Social distancing signs areeverywhere, and it surprises me how people act in grocery stores towards each other now (personally, I love social distancing 6+ft apart and think we should always do this); everyone acts like they are scared of the other people.

I will say, it is nice when you make eye contact with someone and they just smile, even in the midst of all this shit, they still gave the effort to smile at a stranger- return the smile and go on and share one with someone else. The little things matter and you never know how you can help someone without even knowing it. It’s kind of a dark time, so let’s try to brighten it up a little bit.

Stuck inside

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Well, so much for this being my time to travel! Being inside isn’t exactly my favorite thing, but I’ve been trying to be productive! This morning I did a workout downstairs in my woman cave, and I did a load of towels and have just been slowing organizing the house. I mean if I’m here and have nothing else to do, I might as well clean up and be productive!

I am happy to see that there are still people being positive during these times, because I feel like we need that more than ever. One of my friends decided to pick up some rocks and bricks around her neighborhood and paint them and then put them back out around the community! It’s something small, but it could make someone’s day who’s just on a walk.

Another great thing is that one of my good friends who has been struggling to get pregnant just announced that her and her husband are having a baby in October! I am so happy for them; they’re just such great people and I just know they will be amazing parents. They deserve the absolute best, and amongst all the shit that’s going on the in world, they are defying odds and making miracles happen.

Feel free to share any good news stories or something you’re proud of. Let’s remember that we are all in this together and there’s no point in being negative and upset when we have no control over what is happening.

Weird World

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I feel like we’re in an endless episode of black mirror; it feels like we’re in some alternate universe. The stores are more empty than ever before, there’s barely any traffic, and it’s eerily quiet outside. I have so many thoughts but I seem to focus on any of them for more than a few minutes.

Our state just issued a shelter in place that starts at 5pm today. We can still go to grocery stores, work, pharmacies, and gas stations- but other than that many places are closed and we are all to stay inside to prevent the spread of coronavirus. I understand that we don’t want this to spread, and many people are dying from this in other countries, it just really feels like there’s more going on than just the virus.

My dad was always into conspiracy theories, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think he may have passed some of that onto me. No, I’m not crazy and I understand that conspiracies aren’t always reality, but sometimes you can’t help but question certain things. I think that there’s something much bigger going on than this virus, and this just happens to be a great way to instill fear in people so we are more willing to give up rights; but I digress.

I decided to work on my woman cave yesterday. I might as well have a space that I love to be in if we have to quarantine for weeks! It honestly will be nice to spend time with my boyfriend and the cats; I feel like it’s good for humanity to take a step back and remember what is truly important in life. I don’t want to just sulk around when all of this is happening- I feel it is important to stay positive and keep looking at the bright side.

Itching to travel / Home sick

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I have to get out of this state soon. I need a vacation, I need a beach and sunshine… I just need it. I wish I could afford to go visit my boyfriend in the Philippines on his work trip, but unfortunately that’s not happening. However, I am thinking about going to LA and/or Vegas for a couple days in April. I wish I could just travel all the time and get paid for it, because I always feel at my happiest when I’m traveling somewhere new.

One nice thing is that one of my friends invited me to go to the Dells next weekend, so that’s kind of like a mini vacation! I honestly love water parks and I always have a blast at the dells! Then St. Patty’s day is right around the corner so I’ll have to make some plans for that!

One of my coworkers just left to Punta Cana for a week and I’m so jealous but also so excited for her! She is such a hard worker and deserves a break, and I know this trip will be refreshing for her. Going on vacation always leaves me feeling fresh and happy, and I can only imagine how she will be feeling after this trip.

^ Well, I was writing this yesterday and ended up getting distracted and went to sleep. I feel like this often happens and I can’t help but get frustrated with myself because I feel like I failed by not posting on Sunday, but I guess it’s not the end of the world.

Today I am home sick. And no, I’m not out and about traveling the world, missing my home… instead I am at home in bed coughing my brains out. I’m very tired and this cough is both aggressive and annoying. I am worried that stuff won’t be done at work, but I also need to rest and get better for my long day tomorrow. With that being said, I am going to abruptly end this weird blog post that I don’t like very much.

Ups and Downs.

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Today the sun was finally shining which was much needed. I had lunch plans with one of my friends today so I decided I would get up and go to the gym before I showered and did my makeup. I went to the gym yesterday too, and both days I just did a 30 minute treadmill workout (speed of 3, incline of 12). I’m not gonna lie, my inner thighs are feeling it today.

This past Friday I saw my therapist again, and we came to the conclusion that it may be a good idea to increase my medication and/or add in a new one. She also mentioned that although she sees a lot of obvious anxiety in me, she has a small inkling that I may have hypomania. Immediately after our session I went to make an appointment with my PCP since they’re in the same building, and she happened to have a 9am on Saturday. So yesterday we decided to increase my dose another 20mg.

It’s probably a good thing we increased my dose, because Friday night my boyfriend told me that his work asked him if he would be willing to work as a trainer for three weeks… in the Philippines!! Now, obviously I am very excited for him as this is a great opportunity. Not only that. but them asking him to do this just shows how well he’s doing at work and it’s so great to see him be given these opportunities!

My initial reaction (and current feeling) is happiness and excitement for him- but of course the anxiety in me quickly made itself known. I started to panic. I felt the tears coming to my eyes almost immediately, and I felt like I was starting to hyperventilate. I literally told him that I felt like I might throw up. Luckily I didn’t, but I did get dizzy so I had to sit down, and I cried a lot.

I cried because I know I’m going to miss him like crazy. I cried because I know how bad my anxiety gets when I just spend a couple nights away from him and I’m scared of what three weeks will do. I cried because I was upset with myself for how I was reacting when this is a happy time for him. I cried because I was upset with how codependent I am/feel I am. I cried because he comforted me and calmed me down and was so kind the entire time I was panicking. I finally stopped crying and then made a joke about how it’s a good thing that my meds are gonna be increased and we laughed together.

I obviously have some stuff to work on, especially with this happening in a couple months. I’m gonna have to set a good routine for that time that he’s away, so I don’t go crazy and I can avoid getting depressed/anxious. I thought about maybe visiting while he’s there, but I looked at the flights and I’m not sure I’ll be able to afford it. Oh well, I know he’ll be coming home eventually, and for now I’ll enjoy the time I have with him while he’s here. ♡