mental health awareness

Wednesday Wisdom

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I have been feeling so much better than I felt the first week of the year, and I am fully enjoying this time. I’m still practicing discernment in my life, I am limiting the amount of information I share with others and this even includes close friends.

It is not my responsibility or even my problem if someone else is sending jealous or some negative energy my way, because I know I am protected and my energy is mine regardless; but that doesn’t mean I want to be all willy nilly with what I share.

There’s good news around me, and instead of sharing for validation or sharing to celebrate, I find that celebrating with myself and for myself is more than sufficient for me. In reality, it feels better than sharing with others. Not that my friends don’t celebrate or care, but because I can give that to myself.

I am very aware that hyper-independence is a trauma response, but it also is a strength. I know I am living in alignment with my values; I am strengthening my relationship with the universe / God, which in turn has improved my relationship with myself. I know who I can ask for help, I know I have loved ones who are truly in my corner and are rooting for me, and even though that is a small group, it is a strong, supportive, caring group.

I don’t feel the need to share all of my plans and all of my goals with people who are just waiting for me to fail, or are projecting their own self-doubt onto me. I know that I still have yet to meet members of my soul family, and I am not here to be completely shut off or turn off my empathy, but I will continue to be selective and protect myself and my dreams first.

Sitting with it.

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I had a wonderful weekend spending time with family and it was back to work today! I feel lazy today, but I also think that has to do with it just being winter and the driving this weekend.

I am giving myself grace this month as I take it slow and not force anything that isn’t willing to flow. I feel my body needs rest and care as I transition into this new job and as I wait for the sun to come back LOL.

I have been feeling so grateful for everything in my life though; although I am tired now, I am still very much excited for this year. I know this feeling is temporary and so I am just going to sit with it and let it be.

It’s 5am on Sunday…

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…And my boyfriend and I just woke up to the sound of our cat puking on our bed. I guess technically that was 15 min ago as I got up to wipe it all up and threw our comforter into the wash. I am not happy with the situation, however I am glad I was able to get up and move around relatively quickly! My back pain isn’t completely gone, but I feel the steroid pack I’m taking has helped a lot!

I’m also trying to look at the other bright sides here: we have a washing machine at home, so I was able to wash our blanket immediately. Also, we do not work today, so it’s not like I have to go back to sleep and get up to an alarm. We also have spare comforters so I was able to just grab a clean one for my boyfriend and I to use now. Lastly, my cat does not appear to be sick or ill, just had a bit of an episode.

It’s easy to fall into an angry spiral, and I am proud of myself and my brain for being able to recognize things to be grateful for in times of stress. I definitely don’t always do this, and stressors sometimes get me in a low mood for a while, but as I keep practicing and becoming more self-aware, the more resilient I will be when life inevitably sends obstacles my way.

On a side note, I am very much recognizing that people will treat you/respond to you in ways that may not necessarily make sense, but it is all coming from their own personal perspective. Something I say could easily offend someone, even if there was no ill-intention or malice anywhere in what I was saying, but it’s not my job to tip toe around others in the world. If the conversation (or lack thereof) is between adults, both are responsible for communicating.

I know in the past if I was bothered or hurt by someone, I would just run and talk to my boyfriend about it or my mom, or sometimes even another friend, but what good does that do? How is that helping the situation at hand? If there is no communication with the one who bothered me, how will they know I was bothered? They can’t read my mind! The only way to solve this situation would be to go straight to the source and discuss how you feel.

Now I am no expert at this at all, this is just something I am learning and recognizing in life. We all respond to things based on our own triggers and life issues, but it is no one else’s job to know what bothers me, it is their job to know what bothers them and what they’re willing to tolerate. It is my job to express my emotions and tell others if I feel triggered by their actions, and how they respond is something I can take note of.

Becoming self-aware is rewarding and also somewhat annoying. It’s easy for me to get irritated with my own triggers and my own emotions, but also as I learn where they stem from I can do my best to look at that through an adult lens and give myself grace for this childhood habits I have. I find I get very upset when I feel misunderstood or when I feel someone is trying to make me out to be a certain way, when I know who I am.

-TRIGGER WARNING: mention of self-harm-

I know this stems from the lack of trust my parents had for me, and at times in childhood I felt very emotionally alone because my own parents couldn’t understand my emotions, and it didn’t feel like they tried to. I’m sure they see it a different way, but I always remember any anger or sadness I had being met with “you’re so dramatic” or when my drunk father told me to go slit my wrists.

The worst part is that he (and my mother) very likely has no recollection of this, so that experience for me will never be validated or discussed. I feel if I ever brought that up today, that he’d deny it up and down, make me doubt my own reality, or he’d probably tell me to slit my wrists again and say “see, now I told you too!”

This is one of those people that I have had to set my own boundaries with, as he is not one to respect any if he doesn’t agree with them. It was my choice to move further out of town. It is my choice that I refuse to talk to both of my parents in the evening, as I know they’ve been drinking. It is my choice to work through these traumas with a therapist and through writing, as I know I can reap the benefits of healing without having to deal with the emotional stress of having my reality continuously denied.

In reality, there are people who will actively listen and try to understand you and where you’re coming from, and there are others who will say/do anything to deflect blame or deny. It’s up to you to recognize who is worth your time and energy when it comes to those exchanges. I am very aware that a conversation with my parents who are very against therapy/mental health/healing would be like talking to a wall: endless frustration with no hopes of progress (aka a waste of time).

I do, however, have good friends who will listen and who I actively listen to in order for us to grow and solve issues. I can’t say it’s always easy, because some are definitely more approachable than others, but the true friendships are worth fighting for. For me, if someone is willing to listen and actually try to understand my triggers or my point of view, I want to do the same for them.

I feel that relationships thrive when there is open communication, compassion, and trust. True friendships and/or romantic relationships will always have their hard times, but the communication within those relationships is what makes or breaks the bond. The acknowledgment of your own faults or how you may have hurt someone else is HUGE in this as well. If you are unable to see or acknowledge how you’ve hurt someone, that conversation (and maybe even friendship/relationship) is not going to last.

We are all capable of hurting others feelings, whether we mean to or not. This is again where that open communication comes in. Be willing to listen and feel what the other person is saying, and pause. Remember that their triggers are likely different than yours, and even if you didn’t mean to hurt someone, if they feel hurt by you and you value that relationship then you should listen and do some self-reflection. It is also important that you are able to share your own perspective/thoughts on the matter, but just make sure you’re not invalidating that person’s feelings or experience, as you don’t live in their head, and you don’t truly know how they feel.

We all have our share of childhood trauma that has fortunately or unfortunately built us into the people we are today. As adults, it is our job to become self-aware and learn how to communicate with our loved ones, as well as how to set proper boundaries that help keep yourself and others safe. If someone is unwilling to listen or understand your boundaries, then it may be time to take a break or let them go. The most self-aware we become, the easier it is to listen to our intuition.

Overall, I forgot I started this post talking about cat puke LOL! Man, did I take a few turns along the way. Either way, people see you as they see themselves, which is a great reason to turn to self improvement and self love; the more you love yourself, the easier it is to love and see the good in others. And when someone says something rude or comes at you seemingly unprovoked, remember that it has to do with what that person is going through, it rarely has anything to do with you directly.

Back in Pain

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WARNING: TMI discussing female body/bodily fluids/blood

Before starting this post, I decided to look back through my blog to see when else I posted about back pain. I did in the beginning of January, the beginning of July, and now I am back at it again. Between July and now I have been wearing my back brace and going to the chiropractor, but apparently that didn’t mean much.

Thursday I woke up with a little bit of soreness in my back, and as I was going through my day at work, I could feel the pain becoming more and more bothersome. I told my manager that I may go to ER after work, and my boss above her suggested I go to this certain immediate care in the area where they do MRIs, and she said “why don’t you go now?” So I clocked out for what I assumed would be a longer than normal lunch break and I went on my way.

This immediate care wasn’t busy, which gave me some relief. When I finally spoke to the receptionist she let me know that my Blue Cross PPO insurance plan was not in their network so I would have a higher out of pocket cost for the visit. I was in so much pain I didn’t even care and agreed to be seen.

After waiting about ten minutes in the waiting room, a medical assistant came to bring me back to the doctors room. He asked me all the questions and had me rate my pain level. I said 8.5. but he couldn’t do halves so we rounded it to a 9. Then the nurse practitioner came in and asked the same kind of questions.

I told her that this has happened before, but now I’m noticing it seems to come right before my period (or in January it was around ovulation). I also mentioned how my periods seem to be very clotty and I am unsure how normal that is. The nurse suggested I follow up with my OBGYN and discuss the possibility of endometriosis, which would show normal tests sometimes so it’s hard to diagnose. Ironically enough, a year ago in August is when I had an internal uterine ultrasound as I was worried with the sharp pains I had, but I was told all is fine.

I had also mentioned to her that a week or so before my 21st birthday I was in the ER for pooping blood, and they had recommended I follow up with GI. I did that, but then never went through with the colonoscopy they recommended, embarrassingly because I didn’t want to drink that stuff and be shitting my brains out all night before the procedure. The GI place also couldn’t give me any quote on how much it would cost, and back then I was so concerned about money so I let that factor in, and now I worry that we missed something.

The nurse just recommended I also talk to my PCP and let me know that they do not do MRIs at that facility and I’d need to see my PCP to order one for me. She also prescribed muscle relaxers and a steroid pack and told me I should rest and have minimal movement for the next couple days and gave me a note for work. I am seeing my PCP next week, and the soonest OBGYN appt is in about 2.5 weeks.

I find it odd that these health problems like to pop up in the July/August time frame, and it makes me wonder if there is some unresolved trauma from a time in my life. I have the book “The Body Keeps The Score” and I have been hesitant to start it. I know it’s all about the hypothalamus and how it remembers everything that ever happened to us, even when parts of our brain will hide certain things from us for survival reasons. I am not ready to start it just yet, but I am interested to ask my therapist her thoughts on this.

Regardless of whether this is trauma related or it has to do with my curve in my spine or something else internal, I am ready for answers. I need to know how to prevent this from continuing to occur, because when the pain comes on, it’s unbearable. It hurts to sit and especially to drive. It hurts to stand up or walk. I can barely bend over to put on socks and shoes. I really only get comfortable laying in bed on my heating pad, and even so, it hurts to roll over / switch positions.

Thanks to the immediate care, I have a flat Medrol Dose pack that seems to be taking away the inflammation. I also have the muscle relaxers, but I decided today that I am no longer going to take as they put me to sleep, and also make me extremely sweaty and flushed. I am taking ibuprofen as well and just relaxing on the heating pad. I know this pain will go away, it’s just keeping it away that I am worried about. All I can do is go to my appointments and advocate for myself, so that is what I plan to do.

Sending love and healing to all.

Good morning Monday

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I’m starting this week off right by slowing it down this morning. I gave myself time to stretch this morning and now I am sitting at the table, drinking my greens and writing this post! My boyfriend and I decided to try some vegan, powdered greens supplement so this is the first time I’ve had it and it honestly tastes pretty good!

This weekend I was able to see a few good friends and make some awesome memories. My best friend took me to the sunflower field as an early birthday gift which was so beautiful and fun! I also was able to attend my other friend’s daughter’s 2nd birthday party, which was 70s themed so of course I had to dress up for the occasion.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I worked on some decluttering and rearranging a couple rooms in the house, which honestly made me feel very happy and productive! We were able to just jam out to good music and get shit done, and boy did I sleep well last night LOL.

Now it’s time for a new week, and I have more exciting plans this coming weekend! This week I will focus on getting ahead at work since I decided to take off next Monday for my birthday, and then after work is for continuing to clean and make sure everything is ready for the weekend! In between all of that, the focus is finding joy and gratitude in every day, because this life is a blessing and I plan to see it that way.

Sending love to all this Monday, and I hope you have a wonderful week ahead!

New Moon / Healing Blocks

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The new moon is upon us, and according to the fun astrology Instagram accounts I follow, it is time to turn inward and release blocks that are stopping me from my dreams. I know there is still deeper healing to do, and I maybe have been avoiding it, but I know that this will be beneficial for my in the long run. I am a sensitive person and I feel emotions very deeply; my mom and aunt always said growing up that we are “Empaths,” for those who believe in those sort of things. I am learning to embrace the idea of being sensitive and having heightened emotions/feelings, while also trying to overcome a childhood where I was shamed for being these things.

A lot of the chaos and internal battles likely stem from the confusing messages that I received as a child. As my brain was developing along with my self-esteem, I had one parent who was trying to be encouraging and empathetic towards certain feelings, and I had another one who would tell me I was “dramatic” or I was always “overreacting” to certain situations. It definitely didn’t help that I was quite sheltered and felt overly-monitored, but also I was being controlled by adults who seemed to be out of control.

I know that all parents are doing their best with what they know, and I know that my parents love me dearly and felt they were doing everything they needed in order to keep me safe. I do appreciate the fact that I had two-parents in the home, and although they both worked, they were also home most of the rest of the time, so I did have time with them. Unfortunately, I don’t have many childhood memories (likely due to hypervigilance) and currently in my life I can tell I am still holding onto some anger and resentment, which is likely causing some of my blocks.

I feel angry for the younger part of me that didn’t feel protected, while also being over-protected. She felt like the emotional punching bag for her father, that is whenever he decided to participate in the family. At age seven, the family got a computer, and it felt like she lost her dad at that point. If he wasn’t sleeping or at work, he was sitting in front of the screen. Looking back now, I know that my mother was doing the same thing, but with the television. Part of the difference was that her and I could at least talk and bond over some shows, while it felt like my father drifted further away from any bonding. It felt like he only wanted to participate in conversation when it had to do with judging my life or my choices, or giving criticism to how I handled my emotions.

Looking at this now, I know it is because both of my parents had no clue how to handle or deal with their own big emotions in a healthy way, so they had no clue how to model or teach me something they didn’t even know. Although my younger, sensitive self would have appreciated some gentle parenting or emotional support, I know that I can give that to myself now. I can validate my own emotions, and I can admire that I feel emotions very fully and deeply. The fact that I can listen to and step into how someone may feel in their own situation is a gift, as I can empathize with and validate how they may feel, and it also allows for a deeper human connection.

Many people just want to feel seen and heard and understood, or at least have someone be open to listen to their perspective…I would love to be able to give that to others, and I know now that is because that I what I needed as a child. I want to put forth effort to acknowledge and show compassion to my own emotions, as that is what I need and deserve. Honestly, I get sad when I think about that I cannot express certain things or feelings to family and those who should be closest to me, but at the same time, it was never really their validation or support that I needed… I needed my own. Maybe I did need certain emotional support as a child, and I can take that information into my future life as a parent (hopefully), but for now it is important that I heal my own wounds and issues so that I am less likely to pass them to the next generation.

I know another block I have has to deal with attention. I find myself judging certain posts that people make online and literally see it as “they are just looking for attention,” and even if that is the case, why does it matter? This was something that was drilled into my head as a kid: attention-seeking is bad. Although I can 100% see how it can be bad, especially for those with low self-esteem or unstable mental health, it also can be something beneficial. The fact that Jay Shetty and Mel Robbins have captured the attention of millions is incredible! They encourage self-help/self-improvement and they help by looking at the science behind certain habits and ideas! People may have judged them or shamed them for the videos and posts they made, and if they had listened to them then we may not have their best-selling books or their podcast episodes… but instead they knew their intentions and listened to their intuitions.

I know that being an adult child of alcoholics, being quiet and “off the radar” was something I was basically trained to do. Daily drinking would be a concern to certain school counselors or teachers, or really any other adults around me…if that secret had gotten out, my parents could have been in trouble. If the police had seen the relatively fresh cuts on my arms after someone called them to our apartment, I would have been removed and my parents would be questioned. When I look back at things now, I feel like I can understand why I wasn’t allowed to do certain things, and it really had nothing to do with me. My guess is I couldn’t have sleepovers, because if I needed a parent to come and get me, they wouldn’t be able to since they were drunk every night. It could also be the fact that I would see how other families lived and operated that was more healthy or functional than what I had been living in. I’m sure they also didn’t want me to have attention drawn to me in any way, as depending on what that attention was for, it could lead back to my parents and their behavior.

I also don’t really know if I would get answers to these questions, as it is hard to approach most topics with my parents. My mom feels forever guilty about my childhood, my relationship with my dad is definitely estranged, although I doubt he even sees it that way. They are still together too which makes it difficult for me as I still sometimes feel a bit of guilt when I am making plans with one parent and not the other. My dad always made me feel guilty for the relationship with my mom, saying we were “ganging up on him,” and he felt like I hated him…yet he doesn’t seem to understand why I felt the way I did. Even after all of the mental work and reflection I have done, I honestly don’t even think any conversation would go well because I am sure my reality would be denied as it always was. It’s hard because they could really not remember due to the amount of alcohol consumed, or they also could be in denial-either way this will not result in any sort of productive conversation.

This is something that clearly still brings some anger, and I am still working to release this block of needing my parents validation. The truth is I never really needed it, again, I just needed my own. Now that I am an adult and am capable of listening to my own thoughts and intuition, I know that I am a good person, and my sensitivity is a gift. Me being open to sharing my story and how I came out of crippling anxiety is something I feel the need to do. There are many ACA/ACOA’s in the world, and we have many blocks and issues that we need to work through, and as we do, we are able to take back our own lives. It may look to some like I am seeking out the attention and validation that I didn’t get as a child, but I know my intentions and my own validation is the only validation I need. I feel proud of the work I have done, and I know that others who have similar struggles can also do this work and feel satisfied and full in their own lives. Although I have plenty of work to still do, I am happy with where I am, and I am looking forward to the journey.

Celebrating Growth

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I am taking this time to actually practice what I preach, as I feel like I have been out of my element for a bit. I am going to take this blog post as time to acknowledge my growth and progress, as a way to remind myself that I have not regressed, and healing is not linear. What is important is that I continue to come back to myself, and so I am.

I used to never allow myself to rest. I remember I’d wake up on Sunday mornings and immediately hop out of bed and start doing chores. Whether that was washing/putting away dishes, or taking out garbage, or reorganizing the closet… no matter how many tasks I scratched off the list, I always made more for myself. I would not allow myself the luxury of lying down next to the love of my life and just enjoying his warm embrace for a few minutes. I wouldn’t allow myself to have time to think about my intention for the day, or take time to do something for myself, because I always said that I would relax or reward myself after the (never-ending) chores were done.

Now I have a better mindset about relaxing and self care, and I allow myself to do something for myself prior to starting any to-do lists there may be. I understand the importance of setting yourself up for the day and taking time for yourself right in the morning, as I have heard in a podcast before: it’s like putting on your armor for the day. When you don’t start your morning off right, the day can easily get out of control, and it can feel more overwhelming. Although I do not have a set morning routine, I find that on the days that I do wake up early enough to stretch or even do a 5-10 minute meditation, I just feel calmer throughout the day. On my weekends when I can cuddle with my love for a bit, I now look forward to and enjoy those moments. Whether its taking time to read a chapter of a good book, having a cup of coffee or tea in silence, or taking a walk around the neighborhood, taking time to participate in self care is important. I am happy to say that this is the new mindset I live by, and I am glad I recognized that self care isn’t selfish, it is necessary.

I often remember feeling trapped in the endless chaos in my brain. I felt like I was constantly in a battle with what I previously called “rational me” and “irrational me,” and I could never feel at peace or confident in any of my decisions or emotions. I was keeping myself busy with working full time, doing school part time, and constantly over-extending myself in my social life in order to avoid my own issues and try to keep up with my dysregulated nervous system. I also remember feeling very insecure in my relationship; I felt like I was a burden who was always crying and worrying about “what ifs,” I assumed I was awful to be around because it sure felt awful in my head. I felt stupid, confused, full of rage and I didn’t even understand why I felt these things, but now I do.

Now that I have gone through years of trying different anxiety medications, working with a couple different therapists, and dedicating myself to reading and listening to self-help material, I have a much better understanding of my brain and why I am the way that I am. Being able to understand that the environment I grew up in while my brain was developing had a large impact on my reasoning, coping skills, and habits has allowed me to have more compassion towards myself, rather than continuing with the self-loathing and negative self-talk. I am able to make mistakes without scolding myself or calling myself stupid. I am able to recognize that my thoughts are not me, I can choose which ones I want to connect with and I can release the ones that are not serving me. I also am able to recognize when I am in a state of anxiety, and I have breathing exercises and grounding exercises that allow me to bring myself back to the present, and calm my mind and body.

I still have a lot of work to do, and I am comfortable with the fact that healing isn’t linear, but it is forever. Life will continue to bring new blessings, as well as challenges, but the more I know myself and how I respond to certain triggers and events, I can continue to learn how to better handle stressful situations. There is freedom in the awareness, as hard as it can be to see at first. Seeing the toxic habits, acknowledging the choices that hinder growth, once you can see how you’re holding yourself back, you can set yourself free. I know I silence myself out of fear of disappointing and hurting others, and I still have to work on more self-love and self-trust. I need to dedicate myself to healthier habits and pay attention to what makes me feel whole, and continue to show up for myself and my dreams. This blog is part of it all, so I guess I can celebrate that. ♡

Recovering People-Pleaser: “Why do I have to be quiet?”

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The short answer is: I don’t.

Turns out, I also have opinions, and I have been muting them in order keep the peace (aka avoid confrontation). But that is not me being authentic with myself, I instead am keeping myself silenced like I felt as a child. Hearing the words “you’re the kid, you have no say” and constantly being shit on for having emotions was something my brain learned to adapt to. I went into a fawn stage early in life, and I actively made sure to work around people and appear as a “nice girl” at all times. I kept any feelings of anger shoved away to avoid confrontation with others, and I just wanted everything to be peaceful.

As I have grown older and learned about people-pleasing, I have recognized how manipulative it can be. Saying “yes,” to something when I want to say “no” makes the other person think that this is something I want to do, which isn’t true. Saying yes to avoid hurting their feelings or avoid coming off like a “bad friend” isn’t authentic behavior, which creates an internal battle. Something I have learned along my journey that helped in a major way is to make space for myself to be able to take time before I make a decision. For example, if someone asks me to help them with something, instead of immediately saying “yes,” I can say “let me think about it and get back to you.” This allows me to sit with the idea and see what else is on my schedule and decide if this is something I have the capacity for. I found that I was constantly signing myself up for things that I really didn’t want to do or had much time for, and I was burning out quickly which doesn’t help anyone!

I do still find a bit of struggle in speaking up about my opinions or beliefs in conversations with others. I have been quiet for so long that I just let others say their opinions and find myself putting their feelings and needs first. It feels rude and uncomfortable to insert my opinion, which often is a differing opinion, when it wasn’t asked for. Then again, I guess I could easily preface it with “do you want to hear my opinion/perspective on this?” Wow, I may have solved that problem LOL. I guess that is something I may have already known but never really thought of applying it to that type of situation.

This is one of the many reasons I enjoy writing. It requires me to slow down my thoughts as I am writing them out, and I often find the answers I need right inside myself. I deserve to have a voice, and writing also allows me to have that. I am thankful for this blog, and am so proud of my consistency with posting. After reading through my old journals, and even some of my old blog posts, the growth truly shows. I have been slowly rewiring my brain to focus more on the positivity of the world, and also detach myself from unhealthy habits and beliefs. I am happy to finally have a healthier inner dialogue, and even though there is always room for improvement, I am so proud of the progress I have made. I am not stupid nor am I unworthy of sharing my thoughts and opinions. I truly care about others, however I cannot abandon myself for their comfort. I can only keep my own peace, and I deserve my inner peace, as does everybody else. I will never lose my empathy for others, but I will set and protect my boundaries as required. I am the only person who is guaranteed to be with me on my dying day, therefore my relationship with myself is the most important one.

Interdependent > Codependent

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I read a post this morning on Instagram by an author named Vex King, and I wanted to take a moment to reflect on it:

This post immediately made me think about codependency and what that looked like for me early on. I started dating my current boyfriend at age sixteen, and he was the first person that I ever dated seriously. At the time I was obviously still living with my parents, and since I was a moody teenager and my parents were functioning alcoholics, the environment was less than ideal. There would be nights of loud fights where cops were called and my boyfriend would drive over to pick me up, and he’d just drive around to different towns as I cried and vented about my life. He’d comfort me and listen to me, and I knew I had someone good in my life.

When I look back at that now, I can see how that attachment / codependency was forming, and it continued once we moved in together at 20 years old. I did rely on him to make me feel better, because I got used to him being there. I also know that younger me would not have handled any sort of break up well, as I definitely felt that I needed him in order to survive. I found myself mirroring his moods, and it felt detrimental whenever we had an argument or disagreement, because I was constantly worried about him being upset with me, because I thought that would lead to him leaving me.

I was very insecure and has low self-esteem for most of my life, even if I didn’t always present it that way. I always thought my boyfriend would find a girl who was “less anxious and crazy,” or “more fun to be around,” because I always felt like a burden. Don’t get me wrong, he would constantly reassure me and tell me: “you’re not as bad as you think you are.” That was something I couldn’t understand at the time, but I am forever grateful that he saw the real me inside, behind all of the built up emotions and anxiety.

With therapy and leaning into the self-healing work, I have been able to learn about myself and my brain in ways that has helped me make leaps and bounds when it comes to my self-worth. I no longer feel confused or frustrated with my thoughts, I feel like I finally understand them and why I am the way I am. I can see my strengths when it comes to perseverance and reliability, and I know that I can take care of myself, just as I did before even starting a relationship at sixteen.

Growing up with alcoholic parents does something to your brain. When the brain is developing, it is constantly learning how to adapt to the environment around you, and you learn habits that help you to survive in life. Unconsciously we develop our own habits and coping skills and when we aren’t aware/conscious of them, we take them with us into adulthood.

As a child, I was used to being quiet and trying to keep the peace, and just tried to stay under the radar- that was until puberty and hormones took over. Once I was a raging teenager, the big emotions and anger became a lot for me. What was confusing is that I’d see my parents have these explosive fights with one another, but then when I was angry or upset I was told I was “being dramatic,” or that I shouldn’t feel that way. I was shamed for having big emotions, yet my parents had them all the time!

When I was able to finally leave that environment, I thought all of my problems would disappear. I knew I’d be living with my best friend/life partner and I knew there wouldn’t be excessive drinking or insane fights. Although both of these things were true, my anxiety and mental health issues still came along for the ride. After months of struggling with my emotions and having pointless fits of rage, with the support of my boyfriend I finally decided to get help.

Although it wasn’t the easiest journey, I am forever grateful that I took matters into my own hands and did something for myself. This was the start of my healing, and I only recently have been able to see how far I’ve come. It’s important to take time to recognize and celebrate growth, and in taking time to reflect on this post, that is exactly what I’m doing.

I love life with my boyfriend, and now we live a very interdependent life. We can rely on each other for support and we enjoy helping one another. We no longer live a life where I am just leaning on him and expecting him to solve all of my problems. I know that I am responsible for my own problems and emotions, and he is not required to fix anything. And even though the plan is forever, I at least know that if something ever were to change, I’d survive on my own.

I find it is important in a partnership to truly listen to each others wants/needs, and be respectful, yet honest about what you can do for them. So many people struggle with mental health, and often times will rely on a partner to fix their problems, when they may also have unresolved issues of their own. There is no shame in seeking professional help, especially if it is to benefit your life and your relationship.

I am glad that I had the courage and support to start my healing journey, and I am proud of how I show up in my relationships today. Whether it’s with my boyfriend or with my friends, or even the relationship I have with myself, I remind myself that we are connected, but not attached. Even as great as I feel now, I am not attached to this version of myself, because I know I am an ever-evolving creature who will continue to learn and grow.

Appreciating Myself.

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I am proud of myself.

I am proud that I can recognize my self-defeating patterns quicker and that my default now is to immediately start seeing what to be grateful for in any moment.

I am proud that I can face the darker parts of me and give them compassion and understanding instead of shoving them away with anger and resentment.

I am proud that I see that I am living the life I have always wanted, and although there is so much more good to look forward to, I am very happy and aware of the precious present moments.

I am proud of the fact that I have a wonderful group of friends who love and support me, and I’m so grateful we can all celebrate our growth and accomplishments together.

I am proud of my patience and my resilience in my own healing / self-love journey; I stay giving myself grace and love every day.

I feel so very blessed today and every day, and I never want to take it for granted.