life

Sunny Sunday

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I will always be grateful when the sun is shining- today the sun was shining all day and it was 60 degrees out! I went on a walk, talked to my mom and one of my good friends… nothing too terribly interesting, but also very much enjoyed every activity I did today.

Lately the boyfriend and I have been able to pay off some bills of ours and thanks to the stimulus check we were able to pay a good chunk of cash towards a loan we took out for our miata. Since were both blessed to still be working we want to use any extra money we get to pay off our debts.

I’ve been doing decluttering around the house. This weekend I tackled the whole bathroom closet, the baker’s rack, and purged the pantries/fridge of things that had expired. It feels great getting rid of things that aren’t needed and creating a more organized space.

Yesterday and today I decided to play around with my makeup a bit since I got a new palette from E.L.F. (highly recommend- affordable and impressive product). It’s fun learning how to do eye shadow and contour, and it also forces me to wash my face every night, which I struggle at for some reason.

Taking this time to catch up on bills and cleaning up the house is really satisfying. I feel like I’m successfully adulting, and I can’t wait until I can reward myself with a trip to the nail salon (or a trip to Hawaii… whatever works)!

Easter Sunday

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I remember loving Easter as a kid. I’d have Easter at home with my parents and I’d look around the apartment for my eggs and basket. After that we’d always go over to my Grandparents house and my cousins were usually in town so we could all search for our eggs and baskets together.

I’m sure Easter will be fun again once I have kids of my own. Neither my boyfriend nor I are religious, but I was raised Christian and I did go to church when I was younger, but I never remember doing any Easter mass or anything. I’ll make sure my children do understand the holiday and the meaning behind it- I’m sure then they’ll start asking why there’s a big bunny involved LOL.

Today I am feeling a little restless. I think it’s because we’re supposed to go do a birthday parade for my boyfriend’s grandfather, but we don’t have a set time yet and that’s really making me anxious. I already hate that we just found out about this yesterday, but I’m even more irritable today because it’s already 11am and we still have no clue when this is happening. I’m trying to go with the flow of things but it’s just not always easy for me.

I also haven’t taken my medication yet this morning which probably has a little to do with the irritability. Now that I’m strictly on an anxiety medication (rather than with the anti-depressant), I definitely notice my short temper returning. I’m somewhat upset about it, but also I think it’s a good thing because this has always been a part of me and I need to embrace it to be able to work through it.

I will say that I notice when the dose or this one wears off; not right away, but usually I find that I’m being angry or irrational for no reason, and then I remember to take the second dose. I need to put an alarm in my phone for it because I’m used to only taking a pill in the morning, so taking another dose later is hard for me to get used to and remember.

It’s nice and sunny out so I’m gonna go on a walk while my boyfriend goes to his personal training session. My best friend is going to Facetime me after my walk so we can chat and check in with each other during this weird time- I can’t wait for us to be able to go grab a coffee and just walk through the city again. Until then, we will make the best of the current situation.

“Untitled”

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Trying not to get sucked into the negativity with everything that’s going on right now is just about impossible… but I’m really trying to practice self care during this time (which is why I’m writing this right now). I could definitely do better at eating healthy, but I am happy that I’ve been doing at-home workouts and I’ve been taking care of my skin. Working on yourself matters, and it’s important to develop healthy habits.

I’m not going to lie, I fucking hate this quarantine shit and how weird everything is right now. I miss being able to just get on the train to the city to visit one of my best friends and just being able to explore the city or go to the arcade bar or do whatever without having to worry about this insane virus. I miss being able to call up an old friend and go meet up for lunch. I just know when this is over, many people will start being more grateful for those things.

What’s even worse is the fact that so many people have lost their jobs during this pandemic, including a lot of my staff. I am lucky to be working right now, and I’m happy that my boyfriend is also working. We have a lot to be thankful for during this time, and I don’t want to take it for granted. We can continue to pay our bills, we can feed ourselves and our cats, and we get to spend more time together! In a way I feel guilty for being able to work all of my hours… but also, I have worked my ass off at this job and I’ve been the most stressed that I’ve ever been, so in a way I have earned this. Now is finally the time that I am catching up and cleaning things up at the office!

I hope people start staying home so we can get though this virus and flatten the curve and go back to normalcy. Remember that we are all in this together, and there are many people that are struggling right now. I have friends who have had to postpone their weddings. A family member of mine just went into labor at 28 weeks and gave birth to an almost 3lb baby girl, and as if that isn’t scary enough, we’re in the middle of a pandemic! No matter what you’re going through, we just remember we are all living through this coronavirus outbreak together.

People are dying from this virus, and what’s terrifying is that people can not have symptoms and can just be spreading it everywhere without knowing. Social distancing signs areeverywhere, and it surprises me how people act in grocery stores towards each other now (personally, I love social distancing 6+ft apart and think we should always do this); everyone acts like they are scared of the other people.

I will say, it is nice when you make eye contact with someone and they just smile, even in the midst of all this shit, they still gave the effort to smile at a stranger- return the smile and go on and share one with someone else. The little things matter and you never know how you can help someone without even knowing it. It’s kind of a dark time, so let’s try to brighten it up a little bit.

Busy

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I’ve been staying busy on the weekends, which has its pros and cons. I love seeing my friends and making new memories, but I am usually missing my boyfriend and feeling guilty for being away knowing that he’s going to be gone for basically a month. I know he isn’t bothered by me having plans with other people- I mean he also has other plans and enjoys playing video games without his girlfriend breathing down his neck (LOL)!

Today we both got a good workout in and we ended up going out to lunch and donating a bunch of clothes. I love doing productive things over the weekend; I always feel like I’m successfully adulting when I’m able to declutter and take care of things around the house. Tomorrow he is off of work and I should hopefully be off early(ish) so we’re going to hang up the new curtains that we bought! When we moved in, we said that we wanted to get rid of the blinds and get curtains… literally three years later and we are just now putting up curtains. Better late than never, right?

I need to sign up for another yoga class. I told myself that I would go once a month and we’re already over halfway done with February! I feel like this year is already flying by and it’s honestly stressing me out. I wanted the office that I work for to be in a better place at this point, but I have to remember that I’m just one person and I’m doing the best that I can. I work hard, I do well, and I am only human.

I’m ready for a good week this week- I have a feeling tomorrow will be a good day. Maybe it’s because my boyfriend and I are putting curtains up after work, but regardless of the reason I want to try to keep up the positive mindset and carry it through this week! ♡

Now.

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I need to start living for the moment. I can feel myself letting my anxiety take over as I obsess over the future and things I have no control over. What is the point of torturing myself? The worst part right now is that my dreams are so realistic and they’re just all anxious/stressful dreams. Even when I’m trying to relax and sleep, I can’t get peace of mind.

I feel like I’ve been distant and selfish lately, but I also don’t even care. As bad as that might sound, I can’t handle anyone else’s shit right now (I’m barely hanging on dealing with my own shit). I also know I’m being hard on myself, but I can’t seem to stop my self-doubt from sneaking into all of my thoughts.

Today my boyfriend and I went out for coffee and this cute place in our town. I got a Gingerbread White Chocolate Latte and he had an Americano with cream and sugar. I told him that I was stating to feel like maybe I am a bad friend or I don’t show enough effort, but he reminded me that I don’t ever need to feel guilty for not doing something that I don’t want to do.

On our coffee date we started talking about our next home being our forever home, even if that means staying in our current townhome for several more years. We want to make sure that the next house is as close to dream house as it gets. I always enjoy planning our future together, but I also need to remember to live for now and enjoy our lives as they are currently.

Speaking of which we’re going to spend some time together now. I’m going to try hard to make this next week the best one of 2020 yet, which honestly shouldn’t be too hard to do.

Coming to the end.

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I’m looking forward to the new year. I’m ready to get back into the gym and make it a routine, and hopefully develop an overall healthier lifestyle throughout the year. I am looking forward to working on my writing, both poetry and my general blog posts, such as this one. I’m looking forward to visiting a couple of friends out of state, and hopefully going to Hawaii as well! I am also excited to continue therapy and working on myself.

Although for the past couple of weeks I have been really feeling the “good-fucking-bye 2019- I will not miss you at all” vibe, I do realize that there were some great things that happened this past year. Even though I have been extremely stressed out, I know that I have made progress in both myself and my career. I feel like this is the first year where I have really learned how to say “no,” and I have set healthy boundaries with certain relationships. I definitely still have work to do, but seeing how far I’ve already come only makes me want to continue moving forward.

This year I was able to leave my place of work that I very much disliked, and I found a job where I have a boss who genuinely cares about her employees. I also have freedom when it comes to my schedule and how I want to do things in the office. I’m not going to lie, this job has been the most stressful one I have had in my entire life- I literally used to throw up every morning before work for two months straight because my anxiety was so  high. I knew that it would get better though, and now that I have been here for over six months I feel like it has gotten much better. There is still plenty to do, but it is getting to be more manageable.

Although I did not stick to the ketogenic/low-carb lifestyle, I feel like I still had an improvement with my relationship with food. I am not going to do another strict diet anytime soon, but I am going to limit my sugar intake and make sure to avoid binge eating. I want working out/going to the gym to become a hobby for me again. I feel like the best part of working out is the fact that you are truly benefiting yourself and practicing a form of self-care. Caring about your health is important, and this upcoming year I turn 25 and people tell me its harder to lose weight and get the body you want the closer you get to 30+ (so basically its now or never).

I am excited to see what 2020 brings. Oddly enough, I am very optimistic about this upcoming year. I feel that may be because I know that I can control my attitude and responses to situations and make the year great all on my own. Of course I expect life to take a few shits on me throughout the year, but I know that I can handle anything. Luckily for me, I don’t have to handle it on my own, as my boyfriend will be right by my side supporting me and loving me; so when life inevitable shits on us, we will get through it together.  ♡