healing journey

Taking the Leap.

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Last night was a Full Moon with partial lunar eclipse. Eclipses are a powerful time, and they tend to stir up some chaos within us, and we can choose to go about this in two ways: let it consume you, or embrace it and let it heal you. I have been looking inward at some of the issues that have been coming back up to surface, as I am ready to release them and focus on what is meant for me.

I spent a lot of my life in an anxious state; I would worry about my loved ones dying suddenly, or I’d worry that I’d get a horrible car accident- really I was always on edge waiting for something horrible to happen to me or someone I loved. I struggle to have many memories as I was constantly worrying about the future that I wasn’t there to enjoy the present. I get sad when I think about all of the memories I have that I will never be able to access because I never truly soaked them in.

I have been working hard on being more present in my life, and I am proud of the progress I have made. As much as therapy and certain books have helped me along the way, I feel like stepping into my spiritual journey has also helped me to make great progress. Being able to recognize how little control I actually have over situations in my life and being able to surrender those to the universe has lifted a weight off my shoulders.

Sitting and worrying about death or health issues or natural disasters does absolutely nothing except for stress out my brain and body, and take away the ability for me to be present. Reading quotes like “if it’s out of your hands, it deserves to be free from your mind” is definitely easier said than done, but with faith in a higher power it makes it feel easier.

I feel like I turned away from God pretty young, likely because I was raised going to church and Sunday school only until I was about 8 or 9, and then it seemed like we never went or talked about God again. I don’t even know what I thought about that when I was a kid, but as I dealt with more death in life it seemed like I believed less and less in a heavenly Father. I still can’t tell you that I believe in God, but I do believe there is something bigger than us.

I can feel it in the synchronicities that I see in my every day life. I can feel it in the love that I have with my life partner. I can feel it in the connections I have with good friends. I can feel it in the gratitude I have for the wonderful people and things in my life. I can feel it in the silence when I actually sit down to mediate. I can feel it when I write.

I used to shy away from this as I always felt the need for logic and science to explain what is happening, and honestly most synchronicities can be explained by neuroscience (neuroplasticity- brain rewriting), but I can feel it in my gut that there is a higher power. The more that I think about it, I believe that power is actually love. As a collective, when we all come together for peace and love, the energy changes.

My mom often talks about after the tragedy of 9/11 how people seemed to care more about one another and actually speak to each other, rather than how we all turn away and argue today. When we are divided, we are easily manipulated and can lose control and a sense of love for one another. It’s easy to see things as black and white or red and blue, but really it’s all grey and purple. Instead of judging and assuming someone else is wrong, we should be looking for productive conversation and try to learn from one another.

Every person I’ve met has trauma, and we are all a lot more the same than we are different. I also recently heard this on a podcast and although it is obvious, it still opened my eyes: the villain and the hero both have traumatic pasts, but the choices they made after their trauma is what determined their future. I remember after seeing the Joker movie how I sympathized with his character and saw how only just some help and love could have him to create a different life- and we can all do that.

We can show compassion to one another.

We can empathize with one another.

We can listen and learn from one another.

We can help one another.

In reality, we’re all mirrors. We’re all reflections of each other, and we aren’t as different from each other as we may think we are. Stepping out of the Ego mindset and into the Soul allows for love and acceptance to flourish. When there is love, there is peace, and we all deserve both. I leaned into spirituality and will continue to do so as it has helped me to release so much fear and anxiety and has allowed me to be present to the beauty around me, and I have no shame in that.

My Mind is Blown and I am Exhausted.

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Today has been interesting to say the least, and even though I was struck with a feeling of complete exhaustion, I was able to muscle through it. I allowed myself to just stretch and watch a tv show and just let my body relax, and then I got back up to finish up a project for a friend.

Honestly I am super proud of myself. I went to the grocery store today and I made a huge salad for the week and even made egg salad for the first time (which is FIRE by the way). I got the fruit all washed up and put into jars, as I had coworker tell me how she stores them in jars and they last longer and I’ve been doing it ever since. I even made breakfast for myself and my love!

I will say, during the time that I was making the food I was literally blown away and felt like I was completely losing my mind, yet finding it all at the same time. As I have talked about before, I am on a spiritual journey and I have slowly started to embrace it more. I am someone who has always believed in karma and in “signs,” but I never really noticed the signs as much as I do now. Lately I’ve been seeing all of the angel numbers (111, 1111, 444, etc.) and I’ve been trying to focus on the positives in life.

Before I started to wash and prep my food for the week, I wanted to make sure I had some music or a podcast to listen to. I originally was going to listen to some Lana Del Rey that I hadn’t listened to before, but after listening to one song I quickly realized I wanted to switch to a podcast instead. I knew right away that I wanted to listen to House of Herby, which is singer/songwriter Qveen Herby’s podcast, and I started with their “Transformation” episode from 2022, and listened to that as well as the episode after that titled: “How to Manifest.”

Now, I’ll be honest, I cannot remember whether this was mentioned in that first episode or second one, but at one point Amy (Qveen) brings up the book Complex PTSD by Pete Walker. Now this is exact book that my therapist is currently working through and keeps citing during our sessions, and I kept putting off buying it; that was until I heard this episode.

So naturally I go on Amazon to see how much the book is and I add it to the cart. I need to note that I am definitely more of a bargain hunter and I save money where I can, so with that being said I do not pay for Amazon Prime. Amazon gives you free shipping if you spend a certain amount of money even if you don’t have Prime, so I just always make sure to hit that minimum so I don’t have to pay for shipping. I decided that I’d buy a couple other books that I’ve had on my list.

One of these was “The Universe has your back” By Gabrielle Bernstein, and the other is “Letting Go” By David Hawkins which I heard about on an earlier episode of the House of Herby. I get my free shipping and then I go to choose a payment method and BAM! I have enough cashback on my Discover to cover the ENTIRE ORDER! Like helllooooo!! Thank you, Universe!

Now that the order is placed it’s back to working on my egg salad. It came time for the mayonnaise to get added in… and tell me why Amy and Nick literally start talking about mayonnaise out of nowhere! It was at the exact moment I was spooning out some mayo from the jar and they start talking about “scraping mayo off of manifestation.” So of course I start freaking out and I pause the episode and start telling my boyfriend about how we’re all clearly in a simulation, and when I return back to the podcast Amy is saying how she doesn’t even know how they got to mayonnaise in this episode. Like girl, tell me about it!

So if that wasn’t weird enough, later on in the episode they are talking about law of attraction and synchronicity and she literally says: “the universe has your back! just as Gabrielle Bernstein says.” ……. LOL excuse me? I just ordered that book??? What?? Mind you, I have other books of Gabby’s and I love her work, but I just happened to purchase that exact book of hers less than an hour ago?!? WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

So I try to calm myself down while simultaneously recognizing that big daddy Google must be so far up my ass that I have figured out my own life’s algorithm, and I continue meal prepping and listening to the episode. My boyfriend is in the kitchen at this point and emptying the dishwasher and I start telling him like “I just bought that book! After buying the book that she talked about that my therapist also has!” And we chat and keep listening and then Nick brings up “Letting Go” by David Hawkins. I literally was shooketh. I exclaimed: “THAT WAS THE OTHER BOOK I BOUGHT.” Literally I felt like I was definitely co-creating with the universe at this point.

In that moment I was so overjoyed at all of the synchronicities happening and I was feeling so in tune with myself and the universe. I felt like I was right where I should be, and I just know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Life is a lot easier when you focus on the things you do have control over, rather than worrying about the “what ifs” and missing out the present moment.

Overall today was a great Sunday, and I am so glad I’ve learned to love Sundays, and that I was present for all of todays beauty. 7:27 on the clock now- I’ve been seeing that a lot lately- with that I will sign off. Time for more relaxing! So grateful for this life.

Who am I?

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Who am I? A mere mortal; a body of flesh and bones that moves amongst earth until it’s buried beneath it? Am I more than the blood in my veins or the organs within my vessel?

Who am I? A glistening sphere of light; a soul that brings joy and peace to others lives? Am I more than my empathy or the love within my heart?

Who am I? A deck of cards; the many faces that bring luck and abundance to some, but fateful defeat to others? Am I more than the value that others put on me?

Who am I? The Earth’s moon; the phases of darkness and illumination that pierce the cracks of my shadow? Am I more than the waves and chaos that I create?

Who am I? What is my purpose? To accept the fact that everything is temporary and attachments are unnecessary? To bring a sense of comfort and calmness to my inner and outer world? To show others that they all have a bright light within them, even if it may have been dimmed or distorted along the journey?

Who am I to judge anyone, including myself, when I am just a human being like you? Who am I to shame anyone, including myself, when we’re all guessing and learning along the way? Who am I to know what’s best for anyone, when the only shoes I’ve walked in are my own?

Who am I?

I am me. I am a person full of anger and sadness that weighs heavy on my body. I am a human full of flaws and imperfections that make me unique. I am a woman full of strength and kindness that pours from within. I am a soul full of empathy and compassion that overflows from the depths of my heart.

I am light, even with the shadow.

I am love, even with the heaviness.

I am peace, even with the chaos.

Solar Eclipse / Self Check-In

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This morning we will experience a solar eclipse. Although I only dabble in astrology and I don’t believe everything I see or read, I definitely believe that our energy is affected by the planets, sun and moon. Especially for me, being highly-sensitive/empathic definitely allows me to feel the shifts.

I’ve been having some interesting dreams this week: I had one where I met Taylor Swift, which was a super fun and relaxed dream, but I also had a dream that I needed to take in a 12-year old child to take care of and that I needed to convince my boyfriend to adopt him. I really don’t spend a lot of time analyzing my dreams, although I always say that I want to and then don’t, but I feel like maybe my dreams are trying to remind me to see the good in myself.

Throughout this year I’ve been battling with myself about the idea of me being a fraud. I kept feeling like because I have some negative thoughts or judgments about other people’s actions that made my niceness and empathy fake. However, I know that during the human experience we are going to experience dualities in our lives, and some like to break it down between the Ego and the Soul.

As I’ve been more aware and I’ve been open in my therapy sessions, I’ve recognized that I am not a fraud at all- I am simply a human being. If someone else does something that does not align with my values, it is normal to feel put off by that. Me trying to empathize with them and still being nice and supportive about other parts of them or their life doesn’t make me fake, because I truly do try to see other people’s perspectives and I care about others.

I think where I struggle is that sometimes I wonder if I should be bringing up to that person how I am seeing their actions and behaviors from my lens. I know I am not God and I do not know what is best for anyone at all, but I feel dishonest sometimes if I am not being fully transparent about how I feel about something. At the same time though, it isn’t my job to tell people about themselves or change anyone. This is where my battle lies, but it’s easy for me to just say “If this doesn’t impact my life directly, then I am not going to bring anything up.” Which isn’t really wrong, but something in me still feels inauthentic.

It is not my job to fully understand anyone or everyone, it is my job to understand myself. It is not my job to tell people about how I see them, it is my job to treat them with respect, while simultaneously setting my own boundaries with them. Distancing from people is nothing to feel guilty about, especially when you know that a conversation has no chance of going anywhere (i.e. narcissistic people, people with victim mentality).

All I can do is listen to my gut and spend time with those who fill my cup, rather than just use me to fill theirs. I am sensitive, which allows me to be nurturing. I am grateful, which allows me to be happy and to spread my joy. I am resilient, which allows me to give hope. I am emotional, which allows me to be empathetic to others. I deserve to be around people who make me feel light and recharged, not drained and confused.

I will continue to heal myself and listen to my intuition, and I am grateful for this next chapter. This solar eclipse represents transformation, illumination, and abundance and I am ready for it all.

It’s 5am on Sunday…

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…And my boyfriend and I just woke up to the sound of our cat puking on our bed. I guess technically that was 15 min ago as I got up to wipe it all up and threw our comforter into the wash. I am not happy with the situation, however I am glad I was able to get up and move around relatively quickly! My back pain isn’t completely gone, but I feel the steroid pack I’m taking has helped a lot!

I’m also trying to look at the other bright sides here: we have a washing machine at home, so I was able to wash our blanket immediately. Also, we do not work today, so it’s not like I have to go back to sleep and get up to an alarm. We also have spare comforters so I was able to just grab a clean one for my boyfriend and I to use now. Lastly, my cat does not appear to be sick or ill, just had a bit of an episode.

It’s easy to fall into an angry spiral, and I am proud of myself and my brain for being able to recognize things to be grateful for in times of stress. I definitely don’t always do this, and stressors sometimes get me in a low mood for a while, but as I keep practicing and becoming more self-aware, the more resilient I will be when life inevitably sends obstacles my way.

On a side note, I am very much recognizing that people will treat you/respond to you in ways that may not necessarily make sense, but it is all coming from their own personal perspective. Something I say could easily offend someone, even if there was no ill-intention or malice anywhere in what I was saying, but it’s not my job to tip toe around others in the world. If the conversation (or lack thereof) is between adults, both are responsible for communicating.

I know in the past if I was bothered or hurt by someone, I would just run and talk to my boyfriend about it or my mom, or sometimes even another friend, but what good does that do? How is that helping the situation at hand? If there is no communication with the one who bothered me, how will they know I was bothered? They can’t read my mind! The only way to solve this situation would be to go straight to the source and discuss how you feel.

Now I am no expert at this at all, this is just something I am learning and recognizing in life. We all respond to things based on our own triggers and life issues, but it is no one else’s job to know what bothers me, it is their job to know what bothers them and what they’re willing to tolerate. It is my job to express my emotions and tell others if I feel triggered by their actions, and how they respond is something I can take note of.

Becoming self-aware is rewarding and also somewhat annoying. It’s easy for me to get irritated with my own triggers and my own emotions, but also as I learn where they stem from I can do my best to look at that through an adult lens and give myself grace for this childhood habits I have. I find I get very upset when I feel misunderstood or when I feel someone is trying to make me out to be a certain way, when I know who I am.

-TRIGGER WARNING: mention of self-harm-

I know this stems from the lack of trust my parents had for me, and at times in childhood I felt very emotionally alone because my own parents couldn’t understand my emotions, and it didn’t feel like they tried to. I’m sure they see it a different way, but I always remember any anger or sadness I had being met with “you’re so dramatic” or when my drunk father told me to go slit my wrists.

The worst part is that he (and my mother) very likely has no recollection of this, so that experience for me will never be validated or discussed. I feel if I ever brought that up today, that he’d deny it up and down, make me doubt my own reality, or he’d probably tell me to slit my wrists again and say “see, now I told you too!”

This is one of those people that I have had to set my own boundaries with, as he is not one to respect any if he doesn’t agree with them. It was my choice to move further out of town. It is my choice that I refuse to talk to both of my parents in the evening, as I know they’ve been drinking. It is my choice to work through these traumas with a therapist and through writing, as I know I can reap the benefits of healing without having to deal with the emotional stress of having my reality continuously denied.

In reality, there are people who will actively listen and try to understand you and where you’re coming from, and there are others who will say/do anything to deflect blame or deny. It’s up to you to recognize who is worth your time and energy when it comes to those exchanges. I am very aware that a conversation with my parents who are very against therapy/mental health/healing would be like talking to a wall: endless frustration with no hopes of progress (aka a waste of time).

I do, however, have good friends who will listen and who I actively listen to in order for us to grow and solve issues. I can’t say it’s always easy, because some are definitely more approachable than others, but the true friendships are worth fighting for. For me, if someone is willing to listen and actually try to understand my triggers or my point of view, I want to do the same for them.

I feel that relationships thrive when there is open communication, compassion, and trust. True friendships and/or romantic relationships will always have their hard times, but the communication within those relationships is what makes or breaks the bond. The acknowledgment of your own faults or how you may have hurt someone else is HUGE in this as well. If you are unable to see or acknowledge how you’ve hurt someone, that conversation (and maybe even friendship/relationship) is not going to last.

We are all capable of hurting others feelings, whether we mean to or not. This is again where that open communication comes in. Be willing to listen and feel what the other person is saying, and pause. Remember that their triggers are likely different than yours, and even if you didn’t mean to hurt someone, if they feel hurt by you and you value that relationship then you should listen and do some self-reflection. It is also important that you are able to share your own perspective/thoughts on the matter, but just make sure you’re not invalidating that person’s feelings or experience, as you don’t live in their head, and you don’t truly know how they feel.

We all have our share of childhood trauma that has fortunately or unfortunately built us into the people we are today. As adults, it is our job to become self-aware and learn how to communicate with our loved ones, as well as how to set proper boundaries that help keep yourself and others safe. If someone is unwilling to listen or understand your boundaries, then it may be time to take a break or let them go. The most self-aware we become, the easier it is to listen to our intuition.

Overall, I forgot I started this post talking about cat puke LOL! Man, did I take a few turns along the way. Either way, people see you as they see themselves, which is a great reason to turn to self improvement and self love; the more you love yourself, the easier it is to love and see the good in others. And when someone says something rude or comes at you seemingly unprovoked, remember that it has to do with what that person is going through, it rarely has anything to do with you directly.

Twenty-Eight

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Today is my birthday, and I have made it 28 years around the sun. In the best way, I still feel very young. Sometimes I wonder how I am able to find balance between being a responsible adult and still enjoying the magic of the world as a child would, but then I think about how this seems like a natural state to me. I have always been highly sensitive, and I believe that allows me to experience those same levels of joy and excitement that young children do over seemingly “small” joys. Seeing cows or horses out of my window while driving still brings me the same level of happiness that it did when I was younger, and I even feel the same childlike joy that arises when I get an M&M Blizzard. Today I was excited to have a free drink from Starbucks and was able to treat myself to my newest guilty pleasure, and this honestly already made my whole day! Being present and aware of my happiness has been important for me, as I used to focus on my anxiety and despair, and I truly believe that mindset shift has changed my life for the better.

I had heard the saying “energy goes where focus flows,” and then after learning about the Reticular Activating System (RAS) in our brains, it made complete sense. Our RAS is a magical tool, as it works based on what we are feeding it. For example, when you are shopping around for a new car, typically you start seeing the car you’re interested in everywhere you go. Or when you are trying to conceive, you may feel like you are seeing pregnant women everywhere, but in reality there aren’t really more pregnant people, instead your RAS is just focused on that right now. When I was first struggling with my panic attacks and severe anxiety, all I could think about is how “horrible” my brain was and how “crazy” I was, and that was really all I could see. It didn’t matter when my boyfriend or my friends told me I wasn’t, I had told my mind that it was true, and now it was doing everything to focus on what made that true. Once I was able to recognize this (which was several years into my therapy/healing journey) my life changed for the better, and gratitude ended up being a huge help.

I recently listened to an episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast where she discussed the difference between being thankful and grateful. What I took away from this episode was that feeling gratitude is much more powerful than just being thankful, because in the gratitude you truly feel it. As I sit here at my kitchen table, I am thankful that I have a laptop to type this on and that I can afford my WordPress subscription, but it is not until I truly pause and focus on the true magic within these privileges that I have that I can step into gratitude. I also had a close friend tell me about what her therapist taught her, and she said that when practicing gratitude to think about events or specific memories where you felt overwhelmed with happiness so that you can easily step into that feeling. It is when we step into the joy and love that we get aligned with ourselves and we can access that magic in the world. Now when I see my signs such as repeating numbers or bunnies, I can feel the ping of joy in my heart, and I allow myself to feel grateful in those moments.

This year I plan to continue on this healing and self-love journey, as I can see the progress I have made. I know when I need to isolate and take time for myself, and I no longer feel guilty for it. I am better at speaking up when I am bothered, but I am also recognizing when it is not necessary to share an opinion. It all comes down to not only how I feel, but if it directly impacts me or my life. I am actively working on practicing non-judgement with myself, and this will inevitably spill out to the world around me. I deserve to feel happy, and I deserve to do what makes me feel good as long as it is not harmful to myself or my dreams. I honestly believe that everyone deserves to feel good, and although it may mean working through the traumas and toxic traits, I promise the end result is worth it. We deserve love and happiness in this lifetime, so I intend to seek it and be it. Cheers to 28 years!

Good morning Monday

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I’m starting this week off right by slowing it down this morning. I gave myself time to stretch this morning and now I am sitting at the table, drinking my greens and writing this post! My boyfriend and I decided to try some vegan, powdered greens supplement so this is the first time I’ve had it and it honestly tastes pretty good!

This weekend I was able to see a few good friends and make some awesome memories. My best friend took me to the sunflower field as an early birthday gift which was so beautiful and fun! I also was able to attend my other friend’s daughter’s 2nd birthday party, which was 70s themed so of course I had to dress up for the occasion.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I worked on some decluttering and rearranging a couple rooms in the house, which honestly made me feel very happy and productive! We were able to just jam out to good music and get shit done, and boy did I sleep well last night LOL.

Now it’s time for a new week, and I have more exciting plans this coming weekend! This week I will focus on getting ahead at work since I decided to take off next Monday for my birthday, and then after work is for continuing to clean and make sure everything is ready for the weekend! In between all of that, the focus is finding joy and gratitude in every day, because this life is a blessing and I plan to see it that way.

Sending love to all this Monday, and I hope you have a wonderful week ahead!

Today’s Instagram Post:

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THIS!! This is hard ass work and I understand why most people don’t want to do this, ESPECIALLY when there are already issues of self-doubt and negative self-talk. If you’re already feeling low and critical of yourself, why would you want to sit and learn about how terrible you really are??

In reality that is how it can feel, but the most important thing I have learned over these past few years in my healing journey is to be able to observe myself with compassion and understanding, rather than harsh judgments. I know that may sound impossible, and for me it definitely felt like it was at first, but once I was able to recognize and learn about the brain and how so much can stem from childhood / past traumas, I was able to understand my patterns and where certain behaviors came from.

I have been lucky enough to have been able to find a therapist who I love, but know that unfortunately not everyone has access to a good therapist. I am glad there are apps like “Better Help” to allow people to have a more affordable option for therapy, but there are other options that have personally helped me as well.

Finding @the.holistic.psychologist here on instagram was a game-changer, and then realizing she has a podcast (@selfhealers.soundboard) and books (@howtodothework and @howtomeetyourself and her new one coming out @howtobetheloveyouseek) just opened the door to non-judgment and self-awareness. She has so much knowledge and experience and shares it with everyone for little to zero charge! I also have had amazing realizations when listening to other podcasts such as @themelrobbinspodcast, @jayshettypodcast and @deargabbypodcast! those are only a small amount of the millions of podcasts out and available for all to listen to!

I truly believe that once we can truly learn about ourselves and learn to see ourselves through the lens of non-judgment and compassion, that is when we can allow ourselves to truly heal and be free. I also know that it’s then easier to see others with compassion, as most of our judgment of others stems from something within ourselves (yeah I know… that one hurts).

Sending love and healing to all on their journey- you got this! 🤍✨

New Moon / Healing Blocks

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The new moon is upon us, and according to the fun astrology Instagram accounts I follow, it is time to turn inward and release blocks that are stopping me from my dreams. I know there is still deeper healing to do, and I maybe have been avoiding it, but I know that this will be beneficial for my in the long run. I am a sensitive person and I feel emotions very deeply; my mom and aunt always said growing up that we are “Empaths,” for those who believe in those sort of things. I am learning to embrace the idea of being sensitive and having heightened emotions/feelings, while also trying to overcome a childhood where I was shamed for being these things.

A lot of the chaos and internal battles likely stem from the confusing messages that I received as a child. As my brain was developing along with my self-esteem, I had one parent who was trying to be encouraging and empathetic towards certain feelings, and I had another one who would tell me I was “dramatic” or I was always “overreacting” to certain situations. It definitely didn’t help that I was quite sheltered and felt overly-monitored, but also I was being controlled by adults who seemed to be out of control.

I know that all parents are doing their best with what they know, and I know that my parents love me dearly and felt they were doing everything they needed in order to keep me safe. I do appreciate the fact that I had two-parents in the home, and although they both worked, they were also home most of the rest of the time, so I did have time with them. Unfortunately, I don’t have many childhood memories (likely due to hypervigilance) and currently in my life I can tell I am still holding onto some anger and resentment, which is likely causing some of my blocks.

I feel angry for the younger part of me that didn’t feel protected, while also being over-protected. She felt like the emotional punching bag for her father, that is whenever he decided to participate in the family. At age seven, the family got a computer, and it felt like she lost her dad at that point. If he wasn’t sleeping or at work, he was sitting in front of the screen. Looking back now, I know that my mother was doing the same thing, but with the television. Part of the difference was that her and I could at least talk and bond over some shows, while it felt like my father drifted further away from any bonding. It felt like he only wanted to participate in conversation when it had to do with judging my life or my choices, or giving criticism to how I handled my emotions.

Looking at this now, I know it is because both of my parents had no clue how to handle or deal with their own big emotions in a healthy way, so they had no clue how to model or teach me something they didn’t even know. Although my younger, sensitive self would have appreciated some gentle parenting or emotional support, I know that I can give that to myself now. I can validate my own emotions, and I can admire that I feel emotions very fully and deeply. The fact that I can listen to and step into how someone may feel in their own situation is a gift, as I can empathize with and validate how they may feel, and it also allows for a deeper human connection.

Many people just want to feel seen and heard and understood, or at least have someone be open to listen to their perspective…I would love to be able to give that to others, and I know now that is because that I what I needed as a child. I want to put forth effort to acknowledge and show compassion to my own emotions, as that is what I need and deserve. Honestly, I get sad when I think about that I cannot express certain things or feelings to family and those who should be closest to me, but at the same time, it was never really their validation or support that I needed… I needed my own. Maybe I did need certain emotional support as a child, and I can take that information into my future life as a parent (hopefully), but for now it is important that I heal my own wounds and issues so that I am less likely to pass them to the next generation.

I know another block I have has to deal with attention. I find myself judging certain posts that people make online and literally see it as “they are just looking for attention,” and even if that is the case, why does it matter? This was something that was drilled into my head as a kid: attention-seeking is bad. Although I can 100% see how it can be bad, especially for those with low self-esteem or unstable mental health, it also can be something beneficial. The fact that Jay Shetty and Mel Robbins have captured the attention of millions is incredible! They encourage self-help/self-improvement and they help by looking at the science behind certain habits and ideas! People may have judged them or shamed them for the videos and posts they made, and if they had listened to them then we may not have their best-selling books or their podcast episodes… but instead they knew their intentions and listened to their intuitions.

I know that being an adult child of alcoholics, being quiet and “off the radar” was something I was basically trained to do. Daily drinking would be a concern to certain school counselors or teachers, or really any other adults around me…if that secret had gotten out, my parents could have been in trouble. If the police had seen the relatively fresh cuts on my arms after someone called them to our apartment, I would have been removed and my parents would be questioned. When I look back at things now, I feel like I can understand why I wasn’t allowed to do certain things, and it really had nothing to do with me. My guess is I couldn’t have sleepovers, because if I needed a parent to come and get me, they wouldn’t be able to since they were drunk every night. It could also be the fact that I would see how other families lived and operated that was more healthy or functional than what I had been living in. I’m sure they also didn’t want me to have attention drawn to me in any way, as depending on what that attention was for, it could lead back to my parents and their behavior.

I also don’t really know if I would get answers to these questions, as it is hard to approach most topics with my parents. My mom feels forever guilty about my childhood, my relationship with my dad is definitely estranged, although I doubt he even sees it that way. They are still together too which makes it difficult for me as I still sometimes feel a bit of guilt when I am making plans with one parent and not the other. My dad always made me feel guilty for the relationship with my mom, saying we were “ganging up on him,” and he felt like I hated him…yet he doesn’t seem to understand why I felt the way I did. Even after all of the mental work and reflection I have done, I honestly don’t even think any conversation would go well because I am sure my reality would be denied as it always was. It’s hard because they could really not remember due to the amount of alcohol consumed, or they also could be in denial-either way this will not result in any sort of productive conversation.

This is something that clearly still brings some anger, and I am still working to release this block of needing my parents validation. The truth is I never really needed it, again, I just needed my own. Now that I am an adult and am capable of listening to my own thoughts and intuition, I know that I am a good person, and my sensitivity is a gift. Me being open to sharing my story and how I came out of crippling anxiety is something I feel the need to do. There are many ACA/ACOA’s in the world, and we have many blocks and issues that we need to work through, and as we do, we are able to take back our own lives. It may look to some like I am seeking out the attention and validation that I didn’t get as a child, but I know my intentions and my own validation is the only validation I need. I feel proud of the work I have done, and I know that others who have similar struggles can also do this work and feel satisfied and full in their own lives. Although I have plenty of work to still do, I am happy with where I am, and I am looking forward to the journey.