The sunrise looks so beautiful this morning; the light blue skies with the bright pink clouds.
It’s Friday and I have therapy today which is always a great way to start the weekend.
The person in front of me paid for my first starbucks holiday drink of the season, so I paid it forward and did the same for the person behind me.
I have a heating pad to help me through this rough cycle, as well as a comfortable bed to relax in.
I have a helpful partner who cares about me and loves me.
This morning we will experience a solar eclipse. Although I only dabble in astrology and I don’t believe everything I see or read, I definitely believe that our energy is affected by the planets, sun and moon. Especially for me, being highly-sensitive/empathic definitely allows me to feel the shifts.
I’ve been having some interesting dreams this week: I had one where I met Taylor Swift, which was a super fun and relaxed dream, but I also had a dream that I needed to take in a 12-year old child to take care of and that I needed to convince my boyfriend to adopt him. I really don’t spend a lot of time analyzing my dreams, although I always say that I want to and then don’t, but I feel like maybe my dreams are trying to remind me to see the good in myself.
Throughout this year I’ve been battling with myself about the idea of me being a fraud. I kept feeling like because I have some negative thoughts or judgments about other people’s actions that made my niceness and empathy fake. However, I know that during the human experience we are going to experience dualities in our lives, and some like to break it down between the Ego and the Soul.
As I’ve been more aware and I’ve been open in my therapy sessions, I’ve recognized that I am not a fraud at all- I am simply a human being. If someone else does something that does not align with my values, it is normal to feel put off by that. Me trying to empathize with them and still being nice and supportive about other parts of them or their life doesn’t make me fake, because I truly do try to see other people’s perspectives and I care about others.
I think where I struggle is that sometimes I wonder if I should be bringing up to that person how I am seeing their actions and behaviors from my lens. I know I am not God and I do not know what is best for anyone at all, but I feel dishonest sometimes if I am not being fully transparent about how I feel about something. At the same time though, it isn’t my job to tell people about themselves or change anyone. This is where my battle lies, but it’s easy for me to just say “If this doesn’t impact my life directly, then I am not going to bring anything up.” Which isn’t really wrong, but something in me still feels inauthentic.
It is not my job to fully understand anyone or everyone, it is my job to understand myself. It is not my job to tell people about how I see them, it is my job to treat them with respect, while simultaneously setting my own boundaries with them. Distancing from people is nothing to feel guilty about, especially when you know that a conversation has no chance of going anywhere (i.e. narcissistic people, people with victim mentality).
All I can do is listen to my gut and spend time with those who fill my cup, rather than just use me to fill theirs. I am sensitive, which allows me to be nurturing. I am grateful, which allows me to be happy and to spread my joy. I am resilient, which allows me to give hope. I am emotional, which allows me to be empathetic to others. I deserve to be around people who make me feel light and recharged, not drained and confused.
I will continue to heal myself and listen to my intuition, and I am grateful for this next chapter. This solar eclipse represents transformation, illumination, and abundance and I am ready for it all.
This October:
May I be free of worries and fears as I learn to trust in both myself and in the divine timing of the universe.
May I release all that does not belong to me and focus on the love and happiness in my life.
May I have peace of mind and body as I pay more attention to my gut feelings/intuition.
May I let go of any lingering self-sabotaging behaviors as I step into habits that support my best self.
May this month remind me of just how beautiful life can be when you stay focused on the blessings and love.
Thank you in advance for all of the abundance and blessings that are flowing towards me.
Thank you in advance for allowing me to feel confidence in my authenticity and fully love myself.
Thank you for answering my prayers and wishes, and thank you for allowing me to be full present to receive them.
I welcome October with open arms.
I woke up about ten minutes ago and got up to use the bathroom and feed the cats, and now I want to stay up to watch the sunrise in about 15 minutes or so. The sky is clear, the air is crisp as I’m feeling it through my bedroom window, and it just feels like a beautiful fall day.
I have been focusing on gratitude again and staying in my own energy, as I’ve noticed a lot of my toxic habits of complaining and judging coming back, and I don’t want that to be my life. I want to stay focused on my own life, my own business, and all that brings me peace.
When I was 16, I dreamt of the days that my current boyfriend and I would live on our own; having coffee together, going out to breakfast, cuddling up while watching movies/shows. I always wished upon eyelashes and dandelions that we would stay together forever and that we’d have a happy, healthy relationship, and I feel so blessed to have that today.
Now don’t get me wrong, although I trust in the assistance of the universe and angels, I know that our happiness comes from the effort we both put into the relationship. We have had to work on communication throughout the years, as well as continuing to learn about each other as we have evolved throughout the past (almost) 12 years; but the main thing is that we have always prioritized our relationship.
The relationship you have with your partner is arguably the most important relationship you have in your life. This is the person you will wake up next to and fall asleep with for the rest of your days. This is the person who will be raising your children with you. This is the person who will need your support during rough times, and also the same person you will lean on in your times of need. This is the person who you will build a life with, until either one of you inevitably passes away.
I feel so grateful every day to have such an incredible life partner, and I find it important to stay present and not take this for granted. I may get stressed with work and life in general, but I always try to turn back to gratitude and pay attention to all of the love I have in my life. People will have their judgments about anything and everything-hell I am guilty of it too-but I always know deep down that even though everyone has their own lives and flaws, but we’re all deserving of love and a peaceful life.
I am sitting on my balcony now listening to the birds chirp, realizing that I cannot see the sunrise with all of the trees in the way, but regardless I am grateful. I have a beautiful home, a plethora a good friends, and a wonderful life partner. I have my health, my intelligence, and my ability to continue to learn and grow. I have my beautiful fur babies, my reliable vehicle, and a job that allows me to live a comfortable life. Life is good when you focus on the good, and that’s what I plan to do.
My inner peace is my priority, and I deserve it.
I am struggling, yet thriving. I am filled with joy, but also irritable. I am grateful, but also ready to release what is not serving me. I am proud, but also always looking forward to more growth. I am all of these things, all at the same time, because this is the human experience. At times it hurts like hell, and other times the happiness can feel like I’m floating on clouds; regardless, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I am working on trusting my gut, instead of working against it, but I won’t lie, I still lose myself in guilt and people-pleasing. I have this habit of somehow making everything my fault and talking myself out of my own gut feelings as a way to not hurt others and also still avoid confrontation. However, I am recognizing that I need to release the confrontation I have within myself.
I feel it’s time to release and let go of these people-pleasing habits, and truly tune into myself and my intuition. I have always known what’s best for me, and I have always gotten myself through the challenges life throws my way. I am wise, I am open, I am empathetic, and I am humble. I am intelligent, I am loved, I am safe, and I am blessed. I deserve peace, and I am ready to give that to myself.
Today is my birthday, and I have made it 28 years around the sun. In the best way, I still feel very young. Sometimes I wonder how I am able to find balance between being a responsible adult and still enjoying the magic of the world as a child would, but then I think about how this seems like a natural state to me. I have always been highly sensitive, and I believe that allows me to experience those same levels of joy and excitement that young children do over seemingly “small” joys. Seeing cows or horses out of my window while driving still brings me the same level of happiness that it did when I was younger, and I even feel the same childlike joy that arises when I get an M&M Blizzard. Today I was excited to have a free drink from Starbucks and was able to treat myself to my newest guilty pleasure, and this honestly already made my whole day! Being present and aware of my happiness has been important for me, as I used to focus on my anxiety and despair, and I truly believe that mindset shift has changed my life for the better.
I had heard the saying “energy goes where focus flows,” and then after learning about the Reticular Activating System (RAS) in our brains, it made complete sense. Our RAS is a magical tool, as it works based on what we are feeding it. For example, when you are shopping around for a new car, typically you start seeing the car you’re interested in everywhere you go. Or when you are trying to conceive, you may feel like you are seeing pregnant women everywhere, but in reality there aren’t really more pregnant people, instead your RAS is just focused on that right now. When I was first struggling with my panic attacks and severe anxiety, all I could think about is how “horrible” my brain was and how “crazy” I was, and that was really all I could see. It didn’t matter when my boyfriend or my friends told me I wasn’t, I had told my mind that it was true, and now it was doing everything to focus on what made that true. Once I was able to recognize this (which was several years into my therapy/healing journey) my life changed for the better, and gratitude ended up being a huge help.
I recently listened to an episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast where she discussed the difference between being thankful and grateful. What I took away from this episode was that feeling gratitude is much more powerful than just being thankful, because in the gratitude you truly feel it. As I sit here at my kitchen table, I am thankful that I have a laptop to type this on and that I can afford my WordPress subscription, but it is not until I truly pause and focus on the true magic within these privileges that I have that I can step into gratitude. I also had a close friend tell me about what her therapist taught her, and she said that when practicing gratitude to think about events or specific memories where you felt overwhelmed with happiness so that you can easily step into that feeling. It is when we step into the joy and love that we get aligned with ourselves and we can access that magic in the world. Now when I see my signs such as repeating numbers or bunnies, I can feel the ping of joy in my heart, and I allow myself to feel grateful in those moments.
This year I plan to continue on this healing and self-love journey, as I can see the progress I have made. I know when I need to isolate and take time for myself, and I no longer feel guilty for it. I am better at speaking up when I am bothered, but I am also recognizing when it is not necessary to share an opinion. It all comes down to not only how I feel, but if it directly impacts me or my life. I am actively working on practicing non-judgement with myself, and this will inevitably spill out to the world around me. I deserve to feel happy, and I deserve to do what makes me feel good as long as it is not harmful to myself or my dreams. I honestly believe that everyone deserves to feel good, and although it may mean working through the traumas and toxic traits, I promise the end result is worth it. We deserve love and happiness in this lifetime, so I intend to seek it and be it. Cheers to 28 years!
I’m starting this week off right by slowing it down this morning. I gave myself time to stretch this morning and now I am sitting at the table, drinking my greens and writing this post! My boyfriend and I decided to try some vegan, powdered greens supplement so this is the first time I’ve had it and it honestly tastes pretty good!
This weekend I was able to see a few good friends and make some awesome memories. My best friend took me to the sunflower field as an early birthday gift which was so beautiful and fun! I also was able to attend my other friend’s daughter’s 2nd birthday party, which was 70s themed so of course I had to dress up for the occasion.
Yesterday my boyfriend and I worked on some decluttering and rearranging a couple rooms in the house, which honestly made me feel very happy and productive! We were able to just jam out to good music and get shit done, and boy did I sleep well last night LOL.
Now it’s time for a new week, and I have more exciting plans this coming weekend! This week I will focus on getting ahead at work since I decided to take off next Monday for my birthday, and then after work is for continuing to clean and make sure everything is ready for the weekend! In between all of that, the focus is finding joy and gratitude in every day, because this life is a blessing and I plan to see it that way.
Sending love to all this Monday, and I hope you have a wonderful week ahead!
THIS!! This is hard ass work and I understand why most people don’t want to do this, ESPECIALLY when there are already issues of self-doubt and negative self-talk. If you’re already feeling low and critical of yourself, why would you want to sit and learn about how terrible you really are??
In reality that is how it can feel, but the most important thing I have learned over these past few years in my healing journey is to be able to observe myself with compassion and understanding, rather than harsh judgments. I know that may sound impossible, and for me it definitely felt like it was at first, but once I was able to recognize and learn about the brain and how so much can stem from childhood / past traumas, I was able to understand my patterns and where certain behaviors came from.
I have been lucky enough to have been able to find a therapist who I love, but know that unfortunately not everyone has access to a good therapist. I am glad there are apps like “Better Help” to allow people to have a more affordable option for therapy, but there are other options that have personally helped me as well.
Finding @the.holistic.psychologist here on instagram was a game-changer, and then realizing she has a podcast (@selfhealers.soundboard) and books (@howtodothework and @howtomeetyourself and her new one coming out @howtobetheloveyouseek) just opened the door to non-judgment and self-awareness. She has so much knowledge and experience and shares it with everyone for little to zero charge! I also have had amazing realizations when listening to other podcasts such as @themelrobbinspodcast, @jayshettypodcast and @deargabbypodcast! those are only a small amount of the millions of podcasts out and available for all to listen to!
I truly believe that once we can truly learn about ourselves and learn to see ourselves through the lens of non-judgment and compassion, that is when we can allow ourselves to truly heal and be free. I also know that it’s then easier to see others with compassion, as most of our judgment of others stems from something within ourselves (yeah I know… that one hurts).
Sending love and healing to all on their journey- you got this! 🤍✨
I am taking this time to actually practice what I preach, as I feel like I have been out of my element for a bit. I am going to take this blog post as time to acknowledge my growth and progress, as a way to remind myself that I have not regressed, and healing is not linear. What is important is that I continue to come back to myself, and so I am.
I used to never allow myself to rest. I remember I’d wake up on Sunday mornings and immediately hop out of bed and start doing chores. Whether that was washing/putting away dishes, or taking out garbage, or reorganizing the closet… no matter how many tasks I scratched off the list, I always made more for myself. I would not allow myself the luxury of lying down next to the love of my life and just enjoying his warm embrace for a few minutes. I wouldn’t allow myself to have time to think about my intention for the day, or take time to do something for myself, because I always said that I would relax or reward myself after the (never-ending) chores were done.
Now I have a better mindset about relaxing and self care, and I allow myself to do something for myself prior to starting any to-do lists there may be. I understand the importance of setting yourself up for the day and taking time for yourself right in the morning, as I have heard in a podcast before: it’s like putting on your armor for the day. When you don’t start your morning off right, the day can easily get out of control, and it can feel more overwhelming. Although I do not have a set morning routine, I find that on the days that I do wake up early enough to stretch or even do a 5-10 minute meditation, I just feel calmer throughout the day. On my weekends when I can cuddle with my love for a bit, I now look forward to and enjoy those moments. Whether its taking time to read a chapter of a good book, having a cup of coffee or tea in silence, or taking a walk around the neighborhood, taking time to participate in self care is important. I am happy to say that this is the new mindset I live by, and I am glad I recognized that self care isn’t selfish, it is necessary.
I often remember feeling trapped in the endless chaos in my brain. I felt like I was constantly in a battle with what I previously called “rational me” and “irrational me,” and I could never feel at peace or confident in any of my decisions or emotions. I was keeping myself busy with working full time, doing school part time, and constantly over-extending myself in my social life in order to avoid my own issues and try to keep up with my dysregulated nervous system. I also remember feeling very insecure in my relationship; I felt like I was a burden who was always crying and worrying about “what ifs,” I assumed I was awful to be around because it sure felt awful in my head. I felt stupid, confused, full of rage and I didn’t even understand why I felt these things, but now I do.
Now that I have gone through years of trying different anxiety medications, working with a couple different therapists, and dedicating myself to reading and listening to self-help material, I have a much better understanding of my brain and why I am the way that I am. Being able to understand that the environment I grew up in while my brain was developing had a large impact on my reasoning, coping skills, and habits has allowed me to have more compassion towards myself, rather than continuing with the self-loathing and negative self-talk. I am able to make mistakes without scolding myself or calling myself stupid. I am able to recognize that my thoughts are not me, I can choose which ones I want to connect with and I can release the ones that are not serving me. I also am able to recognize when I am in a state of anxiety, and I have breathing exercises and grounding exercises that allow me to bring myself back to the present, and calm my mind and body.
I still have a lot of work to do, and I am comfortable with the fact that healing isn’t linear, but it is forever. Life will continue to bring new blessings, as well as challenges, but the more I know myself and how I respond to certain triggers and events, I can continue to learn how to better handle stressful situations. There is freedom in the awareness, as hard as it can be to see at first. Seeing the toxic habits, acknowledging the choices that hinder growth, once you can see how you’re holding yourself back, you can set yourself free. I know I silence myself out of fear of disappointing and hurting others, and I still have to work on more self-love and self-trust. I need to dedicate myself to healthier habits and pay attention to what makes me feel whole, and continue to show up for myself and my dreams. This blog is part of it all, so I guess I can celebrate that. ♡
I am incredibly grateful for this week, as I felt a lot more like myself. I went back to the chiropractor this week, I have been less stressed at work, and I have also been productive at home. I know my worth isn’t based on how productive I am or how much I can do in a week, and I am happy that I also allowed myself to rest and to be still.
My boyfriend and I have plans with a couple friends this weekend that I am looking forward too, and next weekend will be spent with family, which is nice! I am so happy that it is summer and that the sun has been out so much lately! I know when I look at the grass that we definitely could use some rain, but hopefully that skips over the weekends that we have plans!
I am feeling more content and at peace with my journey at this time. I want to spend more time with myself and less time online. I really only go on Instagram, but it’s still easy to get lost in the scroll. I do feel inspired by posts I see since my algorithm is all about mental health, natural health, and self love, but I also know that it’s good to just spend time with myself and a good book.
I am going to get ready for work now, and again I am glad it is Friday! Wishing everyone a blessed and abundant weekend!
finding light in the dark 