gratitude

It’s the way…

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It’s the way I’ve changed the inner narrative. I’m not stupid, nor have I ever been. I am growing and learning, just as every human is. Instead of being hard on myself, I learn to give myself patience and understanding.

It’s the way I practice gratitude. I’ve never been ungrateful, but I often was not present, therefore I was not as appreciative. Taking time to acknowledge what is good in my life is grounding and brings me back to the present moment.

It’s the way I am becoming more patient. All happens as it should and it it’s own timing, therefore stressing about outcomes and time is pointless. I do my best to let it go and focus on good that’s here now.

It’s the way I am better at communicating. I am learning how to speak up when I am uncomfortable or upset, and also still listen to whoever it is I am speaking with. I deserve inner peace, and I no longer have room for resentment.

It’s the way I take time to prioritize myself. I give myself time to recharge and spend time relaxing, rather than packing my schedule. I understand how rest is a necessity and depriving myself from it is not healthy, nor is it something to celebrate.

It’s the way that I have stepped out of my comfort zone. Joining a writing community, being on my first podcast, speaking on a virtual mental health panel… I am really taking steps towards my dreams, and I love that for me.

It’s the way I am choosing to celebrate myself and acknowledge my growth. I am proud of the work I have put in and continue to put in, and I am excited to see the progress I’ve made.

It’s the way that I still get lost scrolling through Instagram and have days where I feel overwhelmed. I still get defensive and struggle to communicate at times. It’s the way that I still have things I need to work on, but I am giving myself permission to take it one day at a time, and I am loving myself along the way. ♡

Dream Life

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Just thinking about how I dreamt of the days that my boyfriend and I would wake up next to each other each day and do life together. I always imagined us laughing a lot and always feeling in love every day, the way we felt then in the beginning. I dreamt of having cats and having a garage and being able to pay our bills and still go out when we wanted to… I dreamt of the very life that I have today, and I never want to take that for granted.

What we focus on becomes our life. If I am constantly complaining about something or always annoyed by someone, I am wasting time and energy on the very things that I am bothered by. If I feel uncomfortable or disrespected in any manner, then it is up to me to speak up about my feelings to the people who can make a difference; harboring anger and building resentment will only prevent my growth. Setting boundaries is important and I refuse to make myself small in order to keep others comfortable- I don’t deserve that. I’d rather focus on all of the good in my life and what I am grateful for, as that will help me to succeed.

I am done treating myself like I don’t matter, like my opinions aren’t just as important as anyone else’s. I am done worrying about if someone is going to think I am “rude” for speaking up for myself. I know my intentions, and I know that I care about other people. I also know how that can be a weakness in some regard, so I am making sure I am aware and I set appropriate boundaries. Instead of focusing on the outcome or how someone will respond, I will focus on what the goal is and my intentions behind it.

I enjoy the life I have, and am grateful for the wonderful people I have supporting me and loving me along the way- now I am choosing to also become one of those supportive people for myself. I am cheering myself on every step of the way, and I am so proud of the work I’ve done and how much I’ve learned on this healing journey. I have plenty more work to do, but I am excited to continue to learn and grow in this life.

Proud of Me

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I wanted to take a second to pat myself on the back. I spoke up about something that was bothering me at work and felt a huge relief once it was done. I don’t want to go too much into detail as there’s definitely elements that I am still irritated with, however I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I feel like this was a big step forward in my healing and me recognizing when enough is enough and listening to my body/intuition.

After been super stressed over the past week, I was happy I had some time this weekend to spend with friends, but also with myself. This morning I was up pretty early and I decided to get caught up on the free “Take Control” training that Mel Robbins released a couple weeks ago. I finished the training and felt energized and better than I had felt all week. I even decided to use my extra time alone to do a little dumbbell arm workout and a meditation! It’s nice to remind myself how good it feels to take care of me.

As we stroll into May, I want to prioritize seeking joy in every day life, and also being true to myself. I am finally feeling like I can be more vocal, especially since I know what my intentions are. I do myself a disservice by not speaking up when I feel disrespected or uncomfortable, and I don’t deserve that anymore. Reflecting on the amount of relief I felt when I finally talked to my boss last week, it made me realize it never had to go on this long. Instead of beating myself up for that, I am just going to remember that going forward. I don’t deserve to suffer in order to keep others comfortable, my job is to keep myself safe.

Gratitude

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I’m currently laying in bed with a heating pad under my neck/shoulder because I stressed myself back into pain. I’ve been aggravated as hell all week and I know gratitude usually helps me a bit so here’s my list today:

I am grateful that I woke up in a warm comfy bed next to the love of my life.

I am grateful to have a job that allows me to pay my bills and still enjoy my life.

I am grateful for friends who love me for me and are encouraging and supportive of my dreams.

I am grateful for my boyfriend who respects me and makes me feel so very loved.

I am grateful for our cats who are healthy and who loves us dearly.

I am grateful for our home; I love having a place to call home that is calm and has everything we could ever need.

I am grateful for podcasts and books as they assist me in my healing journey.

I am grateful for my therapist and the fact that I can afford therapy with my current insurance.

I am grateful that it’s Friday and I have a fun weekend ahead of me.

What are you grateful for today?

Enjoying Each Season

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On holidays sometimes I find myself thinking about the future; I think about my boyfriend being my husband, and us having children who see the world as a magical place. I think about the traditions we will have and how I intend for my children to look forward to seeing family and celebrating together. As much as I am excited for those days, I still am very grateful for this slow season in life.

Right now I get to live my life; In any moment I can decide to leave the house to go shopping, or grab coffee, and it’s easy. I can book dinner dates with friends without a second thought, hell I can even book trips as long as the bills are paid! I don’t want to focus so much on what I have to look forward to, and miss out on these moments that I will crave one day.

My boyfriend and I got to enjoy a nice breakfast out this morning, and now he is enjoying a nap as I write this. I am listening to some music, watching the cats sunbathe by the sliding glass door, and just enjoying this day and this present moment. I am so grateful to live this life, and I feel blessed to have gotten to a place where I feel comfort in the peace.

In the past when I had free-time, or any moments of boredom, I would feel anxious. I would feel like I needed to get up and start doing chores or leave the house and just make sure I wasn’t just sitting around. Now I can look at these moments and embrace them. I no longer feel the need to run around and get things done, instead I understand that rest and spending time with myself is where a lot of the healing comes from, and it is necessary.

When I find time alone, I have been trying to scroll less, and instead actually take time to do something that brings me joy. I’m not going to lie, sometimes jamming to music and cleaning does feel quite invigorating, but I have found other ways to spend my time as well. One example is the writing I am doing right now! I enjoy getting in touch with my thoughts and getting them out, as well as remembering the progress I’ve made and celebrating myself.

As it gets warmer out, I am excited to get back outside and doing my regular walks, which I am going to go on one here soon. I usually will listen to a podcast of some sort, but this year I also want to take walks where I am just listening to the sounds around me. I know that can be very grounding and honestly I am sure that is somewhat of a meditative experience as well- guess I will have to find out!

Either way, I am enjoying this period of my life. I always feel that it is important to realize how blessed we truly are, and I love taking time for gratitude, because I truly am living a great life. I get to wake up to the love of my life every day in a warm bed, hearing the sounds of loud cat meows and the pitter patter of their paws. Truly, I am living the life I once dreamed about, and as much as I am excited for our future endeavors of marriage and parenting, I am incredibly grateful for the life we have today. I enjoy the times we can just lay in bed and cuddle, I enjoy our breakfast dates, I enjoy when we get to travel together, and I enjoy living each moment. Thank you.

Writing It Out / Random Thoughts

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Part of me feels the need to write a love letter to myself. When I receive compliments, I am always appreciative and they make me feel loved, but in another way I feel like I detach myself from them. I try to take in their kind words and I understand what they are saying to me, but it’s almost as if I cannot apply that to myself. I have always talked about having a battle going on in my mind; sometimes I’d say it’s between “rational me” and “irrational me,” but whenever I’m having this internal struggle, I never know which one is me. As I write this out I know that sounds kind of stupid, because both of them are me, but I often feel like an imposter in my own life.

I know that most of my issue is the fact that I have been a people-pleaser for most of my life, and I still have those habits that I am working through. As I start to open up and share my opinions, I can feel myself shifting and reclaiming my power, but I still struggle to determine when or when not to say things. Now as I write this I am realizing I should probably only say anything if it is something that I feel is negatively impacting me or my mental health, that means I need to set some sort of boundary. Or I can always ask if someone wants to hear my opinion before I just share it, as sometimes people aren’t looking for that at that time, and some people really don’t care.

My thoughts are kind of all over the place right now and I just started thinking about writing this love letter to myself and I remembered that I did that somewhat recently, but that it was written in third person. I then started thinking back to a lot of my writings and poetry and whenever I am creating something, it is most often in the third person perspective. When I am writing a love letter to myself, it’s like I cannot even talk to me, I almost feel like I am hovering over me and witnessing me, but I am not attached to her(me). It’s like I dissociate when it comes to me giving myself love. Could that be because I had abandoned myself for so long by diving into everyone else’s lives? Have I been gone for a long time? Have I been present at all during this healing?

I have noticed that I am more present and have been recalling recent memories easier. Another helpful thing I am doing is writing down the good days / memories and putting them in a jar. That way, at the end of the year I can go back and see if I remember much from those times and also reflect on how wonderful the year was. I am taking active steps in being more aware in my life and I slow progress is still progress. I haven’t given up, and I have made it through everything and am still here to post my weekly blog post, so I deserve to celebrate that. Honestly, there are a lot of things I have to celebrate in life and actively taking time to acknowledge and be grateful for them is something that helps me to be more present and feel the love that I seem to detach from. Maybe I will write that love letter later on, but for now I can practice gratitude, and I invite anyone who is reading to comment something you are grateful for today-no matter how big or small. ♡

I am grateful for my health: the fact that I woke up today and am able to breathe, walk, eat, and function without any assistance or need to think about it is truly a blessing. Also having access to podcasts and books that provide important, useful information for both mental and physical health is incredibly helpful.

I am grateful for my relationship: my boyfriend and I have continued to grow together over the past decade and our communication skills and love for one another have only continued to evolve. I am forever thankful to have found my life partner at such a young age, and being able to watch him grow into the hard-working intelligent man that he is has been incredible. I am lucky to have someone who is respectful and honest, and also someone who will be the best father to our future children.

I am grateful for my friendships. I feel blessed to have so many close friends who understand how I am as a friend and still love me for me. I say that because I know I am terrible at reaching out and making plans, but I am always rooting for my friends and wishing them the best. I am also lucky that they reach out to me and make plans too, otherwise I’d likely never leave my house LOL-so thank you guys so much ♡

I am grateful for my job. I am blessed to have a job where I am able to pay my bills, I have health benefits and PTO and I am able to enjoy life. I am happy that I don’t have to work any weekends, as this is the first job I have ever had where that is the case. I also am confident in what I do, and I know I am a reliable, hard-working employee.

I am grateful for my cats. I always had cats growing up, and I am so happy that I was able to continue that into my adult life. I am lucky that they are all healthy and they are happy with their lives. Kitty cuddles and purrs are always soothing and it brings me joy knowing they feel safe and loved.

I am grateful for so many things in my life, and truly feel like a blessed woman. I have days where I feel depleted and off-center, I have days where my emotions get the best of me, but I know am always surrounded by love and support. Even if I am alone, I know that no matter how low I may feel, the strength and resilience within me does not disappear. It may be hard to remember during those times, but those heavy feelings are always temporary, and I know I will come back to feeling myself again. I have so much love to give to everyone else, but I need to focus on also directing it inward. I am someone with pure intentions and I feel that people are more connected than they think, and I plan to stand strong in my values as I continue to progress towards my goals. Even though it is rough sometimes, I am so grateful for my growth and for this life. Thank you. ♡

Thursday Thoughts

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I have been in a bit of a funk these past few days and I am sure it is because I still have a residual cough and am not feeling 100% myself just yet. I feel a lot better than I did, but I am ready to completely kick this thing out of my system. Since I’ve been feeling rough I wanted to take some time for gratitude, as life is still beautiful even if I am seeing it through the lens of a tired, sick person.

I am very grateful for tissues, especially the ones with lotion infused in them. These have been a lifesaver while I’ve been sick, as they keep my nose from getting too red and raw. Compared to the toilet paper I was using originally, these tissues are a Godsend LOL. It’s the little things sometimes!

I am grateful for doctors and medical staff, as they were able to asses my illness and do testing to rule out flu, strep and covid. I am blessed to live somewhere where I can go see a doctor same day at an immediate care.

I am thankful for my boyfriend who is always my biggest support system through everything in life. He ran out to get my more tissues and snacks, he was making sure I was drinking water and bringing me ice packs for my head when I needed them. He hates seeing me sick and is always doing what he can to make me feel better. I am forever blessed to have him by my side in this lifetime.

I am grateful to have a job that offers insurance and PTO. Although I didn’t have any to use for this particular situation, it will renew and I am grateful to have these benefits.

I am thankful to have a reliable vehicle to drive that I’m quite fond of! She (yes, my car is a girl LOL) has such good features and great speakers, and she gets me from place to place safely. I am happy to have her for this road trip I am about to venture on!

There are so many more things I am grateful for, but I have to cut this short so I can get ready to leave for work. Although it’s a couple “bad” days (which aren’t really bad, I just feel off) it doesn’t equate to a bad life. I am giving myself grace and I know that I am going to feel a lot better soon.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Monday Morning

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Starting the week off with some gratitude. First I want to say that my intention for this week is to focus on getting my body more aligned with my mind, as I haven’t been eating the best over the weekend or the last few weeks honestly. I’m starting this morning with some yoga at home and lemon/cucumber water, and I am happy to celebrate even that “small” win!

In which case, I’ll start by saying I’m very grateful for that win this morning and the fact that I am up early enough to be able to stretch and even write up this short blog post! I promised myself I’d get up early, and I did!

I am very grateful for this blog. I started this years ago and I have been better and better about writing it in weekly and I am happy that I started this when I did, and I am excited to keep it going!

I am thankful for my boyfriend, as he truly makes my days better. He always makes me laugh and makes me feel loved, and I admire the mutual respect and support we have for one another.

I am grateful for my job. I am lucky to have a job that I don’t hate, that has PTO and insurance, and allows me to pay my bills and still be able to enjoy life. I also don’t work weekends which is something I’ve always wanted!

I am grateful for my three beautiful cats! I always grew up with cats and I’m so happy that we have our babies at home who love us and bring us joy. Kitty purrs and cuddles always put me in a better mood.

There are so many other things I am grateful for, such a podcasts, books, great friends, sunrises/sunsets, days with minimal traffic, iced coffee, the fact that my car has heat so I. can be warm on my way to work when it’s only 14 degrees out. I could go on and on, but instead I’m going to get back to some stretching before I go to work.

Have an incredible Monday and great week ahead!

Gratitude Check

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On a quick break and that calls for some gratitude! Feel free to list what you’re grateful for today in the comments 🙂 Let’s make the rest of the day a good one!

1- I am grateful for my health. It is a blessing to be able to walk, eat, talk, use the restroom, and complete daily tasks without the need of assistance.

2- I am grateful for my boyfriend/our relationship. I’m blessed to have a life partner who is hard-working, respectful, caring, and overall an incredible person to be around. I feel so safe and loved, and I’m happy we have great communication skills and have continued to grow together throughout the years.

3- I am grateful for our home. I am blessed to have a roof over my head and have everything I could ever need within the walls. Clean running water, heat/AC, appliances, a bed… truly we are so lucky to have all of these things and they’re easy to take for granted.

4- I am grateful for my job. I am lucky to have a job that allows me to pay my bills and live life as I’d like. I am happy to have insurance and PTO, and I am also so grateful to not work weekends!

5- I am grateful for books and podcasts! It’s so amazing to me when people can take their ideas and thoughts and organize them in such a way that leaves an incredible impact. I love when I read something or hear something that just blows my mind and changes my whole perspective on things. Also the fact that people write/podcast to help others is truly beautiful!

I have to get back to work, but I just wanted to take a few minutes to check in and remind myself how great life is! Hope everyone has a great day!

NYE 2022

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Well, here we are! The last day of 2022. I swear as I continue to grow older, these years just fly by faster and faster. I am feeling very grateful as I look back on this year, as well as when I look ahead to 2023. I know every year is when we love to say “this is going to be my year!” Just know, every year from here on out is my year: I am doing what I love, and I am not apologizing for it. I am saying no when I don’t want to put my time or energy into something that I feel is not best for me. I am speaking up for myself by expressing when I feel bothered or upset, rather than building up resentment that only ends up hurting me. I am putting my phone on DND whenever I feel like it, I am cancelling plans when needed, and I am speaking my truth through writing, both here and on The Unsealed. I do want to take time to look back through the highlights of 2022, as I feel like this was such a great year!

The year started out with reading a new book, which launched me on a reading journey again and allowed me to read way more than I have any other year. In 2022 I read seven books. Now I could sit here and start talking down on myself by saying things like “well some of them were only 100 pages,” or “I could have read more,” etc…. but that does not help me in any way. I am proud that I read seven books, no matter how big or small, because I read those for me, and those benefitted me in so many ways. They have definitely improved my mental health by giving me so many new perspectives and ideas, and if I am being really honest, I actually feel like reading Russ’ book “It’s All In Your Head” allowed me to see him live! Back in April my friend had slept over, and the next morning when she was still sleeping, I had finished reading his book. That same day he was on Instagram telling people to DM him with their name and which city they wanted to see him perform live. I saw he had posted that on his story three minutes before I saw it, and I immediately messaged him. Three minutes later he responded with “Got you added with a +1!!!” and I nearly died of excitement! I absolutely love Russ for so many reasons, but the main one is that he is determined and he very much believes in himself, and I feel there was a reason I was able to connect with him this year-both through his book and through his music. I am so very thankful that I was able to see him live, and I got to bring my boyfriend which was nice because we haven’t been to a concert together in years. I am still in awe at how all of that happened, and I truly loved the timing of finishing his book and then being able to connect with him that same day- the universe works in mysterious ways.

This year I decided to join an incredible writing community called The Unsealed, and I am very grateful that I did. The Unsealed is a place for people to write open letters and be able to speak and release their truth into the world, with the hopes of inspiring others to do the same. I was able to really step out of my comfort zone by joining in on zoom calls, being able to ask and answer questions, and truly just open up publicly about my mental health and traumas. I never feel judged or criticized in the community, and we all choose to inspire and lift up others who are struggling. Because of my willingness to push through my anxiety, this allowed me to be on a billboard this year, advertising for this community I love! The founder of The Unsealed, Lauren, posted on Instagram that they were looking for a member in the Chicago area to advertise for their community, and as soon as I saw it I jumped on it! Although I am almost two hours outside of the city, I still wanted to be a part of it and I knew we would be able to find people with stories to tell, and I let her know that I may not be able to go see the billboard, but I’d be so happy to be on it. Lauren was super excited to help and she even got me a billboard in my town as well so that I was able to go and see it! I felt so blown away by the efforts of someone who has never even met me, and I truly felt seen and heard. I am so proud of myself for stepping into my passion of writing, and taking a leap out of my comfort zone, because this will only continue in 2023.

This year I have truly been able to finally see myself and listen to myself. I decided to set boundaries and say “no,” which has honestly helped me in so many ways, as now I no longer feel angry or resentful for doing things that I never wanted to do. I read a quote this year that I have since kept on a widget on my iPhone so I can see it every day, and it reads: “You will inspire some and trigger others. Both are medicine.” As someone who has struggled with people-pleasing my whole life, I have always avoided stating how I feel about something out of fear of hurting others/triggering others, as I know how I feel when I am triggered. What I have since realized is that this only hurts myself. If I don’t speak up for myself, who will? And although in the moment I don’t like to feel triggered, when I am calm and can reflect on the trigger, that is typically where I find the most insight and growth. For example, I became angry at a friend this year when she commented something on my post, because I was not expecting it and to me it came across like I had upset her with my post. Although I knew my intention behind the post and that it had nothing to do with anyone, I still felt my heart start pounding and my hands shaking, because now I was triggered. On the surface it can seem like I was triggered because I felt bad for upsetting her, or that I came across as a mean person, but after long reflecting that was not what it was at all. I felt triggered because, to me, someone who is a very close friend of mine misunderstood me, and at the time, it felt purposeful. Now I know feelings aren’t facts, and the only way to resolve an issue is to communicate. We luckily ended up talking on the phone and were able to smooth things over and get out any misunderstandings, but this was a lesson for me to keep in mind: not everyone will understand you, not even the people closest to you, but what matters is that you understand you and your intentions; no one can take that away from you. I knew my intention behind the post, and going forward I will pause and breathe before responding to others, especially when I am feeling triggered. It also taught me that communication truly is key in any healthy relationship, and I want to focus on that more as we go into the new year.

So many beautiful things happened this year, and I am so blessed to able to sit here and write this today. From the breakfast dates with my love, to concerts and vacations with friends, I feel so very loved. From the Dear Gabby zoom call, to messages/comments with my favorite people on Instagram (Mel Robbins, Gabby Bernstein, The Holistic Psychologist, Russ), I feel connected and abundant. From planning and setting goals to mindful moments alone, I can definitely say this has been a beautiful year of growth and opportunities. I am so excited to see what is in store for 2023, and I am choosing to go into the new year mindfully, confidently, and with purpose.