Last night I had a few friends over for a “ghouls night!” It was so nice just chatting, painting pumpkins and watching movies! It makes me want to host more lowkey nights like that with only 3-4 people so we can all connect and just enjoy conversations and crafts!
Yesterday I got to hang out with some good friends and celebrate my 30th birthday! We all went to the local fair in town and it was so fun to eat fair food and ride rides like a little kid again! I had the best time, and it’s crazy to think that some of the friends I have are friends I’ve had for 15-20 years! It’s just crazy how we all have grown and evolved over the years, yet we’re still here supporting each other. I’m just feeling so happy and blessed and this is definitely one of the highlights of 2025 for me!
Do you remember life before the internet?
I don’t really remember life before the internet considering my parents got a computer when I was seven years old. Actually, I was apparently gifted this computer on my birthday by my dad’s cousin, but my dad lied and said it was for him and that he’d let me play games on it.
I did get to play games and use Word Paint LOL, but ultimately I don’t remember a lot of my childhood so I can’t say I remember life before the internet. I will say that I’m sure my dad was a lot more present as a parent without the computer, because a lot of my childhood that I do remember, he was sitting there in front of the computer screen.
It reminds me of how I use my phone now. I don’t have children currently, but I’ve always been mindful to the fact that when I have children, I don’t want them to feel like I’m always on my phone. I honestly think I’d just get off social media completely once I have a child, mainly because I also don’t want my future child(ren) on social media.
I am someone who uses the internet a lot. Most of us have to use it in some way for our jobs, we’re connected to it on our phones, we use it to order things of Amazon or groceries- it kind of seems like a basic necessity in our current society. However, I do feel that somehow the more “connected” we are online and/or to our devices, the less we are actually connecting with one another. We’re trading genuine conversations for likes and views from people on the internet.
Have you ever had an experience where you are out with family or friends and someone or some people start scrolling on their phones or start texting? Has that happened when you were directly talking with them? I understand we all have to be able to have our phones to check incase of emergencies, to be in contact with family/friends/babysitters etc- but to be interrupted from a genuine conversation for a random snapchat or an IG notification?
In that moment, in real life, that feels like a loss of connection. Another example that can feel like a disconnection: finding out important news about your close family and friends on social media, instead of from them directly. I value my friendships and I personally would rather talk to my friend in person and share a celebratory moment with them privately than to post to random strangers internet about something near and dear to my heart.
Maybe I’m old school, but I kind of feel like I would have enjoyed life before the internet. I’ll be 30 in July, so most of my life really did involve being on the internet. I feel like I’m definitely dependent on it now, but I also know that humans have lived without the internet for centuries, and they all survived. In fact, they probably thrived with less mental health issues and more genuine connections! LOL
I am home and will be in bed for the next few days, and my surgery was a success. The doctor was not lying about this pain though- it’s pretty rough. My husband is making sure I’m taking my medications on time and is bringing me everything I need (so blessed🥹😭), and I am prioritizing hydration and rest.
I was feeling emotional before surgery, because I had so many friends messaging me telling me they were praying for me and thinking of me. One even sent me an e-gift card for Smoothie King which I am looking forward to trying hopefully within the next week or so!
I just feel so lucky and grateful to have so much love and support around me. As much as I am struggling right now with the pain, I know it will all be worth it; even though currently it feels like I am swallowing shards of glass.
I just read a post/quote and it just stopped me in my tracks. Cory Allen made a post that said “When wondering if a relationship is good for you, ask yourself: ‘would I be OK being more like them?’ Then you’ll have your answer.
Applying that to my current relationship with my fiancé, absolutely there was no doubt in my mind that I’d 100% be okay being more like him, but when I started thinking about a couple friendships I realized I may need to start being more honest with myself.
I am not like most of my friends, and I do feel like that is good to have balance and as someone who is empathic, it’s easy for me to understand why people do what they do. I don’t agree with everything that my friends do, but I also know how to set my own boundaries and not participate in things that do not align with my values- which is also probably fine and a reason I could keep all of my friends.
I struggle though when I notice certain red flags, and I don’t always know if I should bring them up or not. I guess it all goes back to how I am feeling and if whatever they are doing directly impacts me. In reality, what someone thinks about me really isn’t my business, but I also need to know that intentions are pure.
Someone who is indecisive and wishy-washy makes me hesitant, as I don’t know if they even know their own intentions. But at the same time, is that even my business? Do I really need to focus on that or overthink it?
My job is to set boundaries, advocate for myself when needed, and to take care of my own needs. I definitely have good friends and good connections, but I’m also one of those people who is very independent and prefer to keep certain things to myself. I guess as the year goes on I will just continue to listen to my gut and speak up, even if it may trigger certain things, because that is where the real growth is.
…And my boyfriend and I just woke up to the sound of our cat puking on our bed. I guess technically that was 15 min ago as I got up to wipe it all up and threw our comforter into the wash. I am not happy with the situation, however I am glad I was able to get up and move around relatively quickly! My back pain isn’t completely gone, but I feel the steroid pack I’m taking has helped a lot!
I’m also trying to look at the other bright sides here: we have a washing machine at home, so I was able to wash our blanket immediately. Also, we do not work today, so it’s not like I have to go back to sleep and get up to an alarm. We also have spare comforters so I was able to just grab a clean one for my boyfriend and I to use now. Lastly, my cat does not appear to be sick or ill, just had a bit of an episode.
It’s easy to fall into an angry spiral, and I am proud of myself and my brain for being able to recognize things to be grateful for in times of stress. I definitely don’t always do this, and stressors sometimes get me in a low mood for a while, but as I keep practicing and becoming more self-aware, the more resilient I will be when life inevitably sends obstacles my way.
On a side note, I am very much recognizing that people will treat you/respond to you in ways that may not necessarily make sense, but it is all coming from their own personal perspective. Something I say could easily offend someone, even if there was no ill-intention or malice anywhere in what I was saying, but it’s not my job to tip toe around others in the world. If the conversation (or lack thereof) is between adults, both are responsible for communicating.
I know in the past if I was bothered or hurt by someone, I would just run and talk to my boyfriend about it or my mom, or sometimes even another friend, but what good does that do? How is that helping the situation at hand? If there is no communication with the one who bothered me, how will they know I was bothered? They can’t read my mind! The only way to solve this situation would be to go straight to the source and discuss how you feel.
Now I am no expert at this at all, this is just something I am learning and recognizing in life. We all respond to things based on our own triggers and life issues, but it is no one else’s job to know what bothers me, it is their job to know what bothers them and what they’re willing to tolerate. It is my job to express my emotions and tell others if I feel triggered by their actions, and how they respond is something I can take note of.
Becoming self-aware is rewarding and also somewhat annoying. It’s easy for me to get irritated with my own triggers and my own emotions, but also as I learn where they stem from I can do my best to look at that through an adult lens and give myself grace for this childhood habits I have. I find I get very upset when I feel misunderstood or when I feel someone is trying to make me out to be a certain way, when I know who I am.
-TRIGGER WARNING: mention of self-harm-
I know this stems from the lack of trust my parents had for me, and at times in childhood I felt very emotionally alone because my own parents couldn’t understand my emotions, and it didn’t feel like they tried to. I’m sure they see it a different way, but I always remember any anger or sadness I had being met with “you’re so dramatic” or when my drunk father told me to go slit my wrists.
The worst part is that he (and my mother) very likely has no recollection of this, so that experience for me will never be validated or discussed. I feel if I ever brought that up today, that he’d deny it up and down, make me doubt my own reality, or he’d probably tell me to slit my wrists again and say “see, now I told you too!”
This is one of those people that I have had to set my own boundaries with, as he is not one to respect any if he doesn’t agree with them. It was my choice to move further out of town. It is my choice that I refuse to talk to both of my parents in the evening, as I know they’ve been drinking. It is my choice to work through these traumas with a therapist and through writing, as I know I can reap the benefits of healing without having to deal with the emotional stress of having my reality continuously denied.
In reality, there are people who will actively listen and try to understand you and where you’re coming from, and there are others who will say/do anything to deflect blame or deny. It’s up to you to recognize who is worth your time and energy when it comes to those exchanges. I am very aware that a conversation with my parents who are very against therapy/mental health/healing would be like talking to a wall: endless frustration with no hopes of progress (aka a waste of time).
I do, however, have good friends who will listen and who I actively listen to in order for us to grow and solve issues. I can’t say it’s always easy, because some are definitely more approachable than others, but the true friendships are worth fighting for. For me, if someone is willing to listen and actually try to understand my triggers or my point of view, I want to do the same for them.
I feel that relationships thrive when there is open communication, compassion, and trust. True friendships and/or romantic relationships will always have their hard times, but the communication within those relationships is what makes or breaks the bond. The acknowledgment of your own faults or how you may have hurt someone else is HUGE in this as well. If you are unable to see or acknowledge how you’ve hurt someone, that conversation (and maybe even friendship/relationship) is not going to last.
We are all capable of hurting others feelings, whether we mean to or not. This is again where that open communication comes in. Be willing to listen and feel what the other person is saying, and pause. Remember that their triggers are likely different than yours, and even if you didn’t mean to hurt someone, if they feel hurt by you and you value that relationship then you should listen and do some self-reflection. It is also important that you are able to share your own perspective/thoughts on the matter, but just make sure you’re not invalidating that person’s feelings or experience, as you don’t live in their head, and you don’t truly know how they feel.
We all have our share of childhood trauma that has fortunately or unfortunately built us into the people we are today. As adults, it is our job to become self-aware and learn how to communicate with our loved ones, as well as how to set proper boundaries that help keep yourself and others safe. If someone is unwilling to listen or understand your boundaries, then it may be time to take a break or let them go. The most self-aware we become, the easier it is to listen to our intuition.
Overall, I forgot I started this post talking about cat puke LOL! Man, did I take a few turns along the way. Either way, people see you as they see themselves, which is a great reason to turn to self improvement and self love; the more you love yourself, the easier it is to love and see the good in others. And when someone says something rude or comes at you seemingly unprovoked, remember that it has to do with what that person is going through, it rarely has anything to do with you directly.
As the year slowly comes to a close, I am looking forward to continue my healing into 2023. I have learned so much about myself over this year, and I am honestly very proud of my growth. I think back to when my mother had her stroke in February, and how instead of sitting and worrying about if or when she would have another one, I instead turned to gratitude. I was grateful that she is still here, and she can function normally and on her own; she is truly blessed, and I feel the same way. If this were to have happened a few years ago, I would have spiraled for probably months, just riddled with anxiety. I am proud of the fact that I find it easier to turn to gratitude during tough times.
I also am grateful that I am getting better at communicating when I am bothered by something. A few months ago, I was able to have a conversation with a close friend about something that I felt like could have been confrontational or maybe even hurtful. Although I was anxious about it, I was able to clearly communicate my intentions and thoughts, and because she is a good friend, I felt heard and understood during that conversation! I am proud that instead of just being quiet about it and building up resentment, I decided to speak up for myself and discuss my feelings. As someone who has avoided conflict and kept quiet her whole life, that one single act felt like it broke a huge barrier for me, and for that I am proud of myself.
Throughout the year I’ve struggled with judgment; truly it’s been me judging myself for judging others, and then realizing that those judgments I had towards others were actually the judgments I had towards myself. I had read about that in a book, and I’ve also heard it on podcasts before, but it really clicked this year. Although there have been a lot of hard truths to swallow, it has also been calming in a way to release that urge to control or “rescue” others. In reality, I only have the power to control or “rescue” myself, and that is what I will continue to focus on.
I am so grateful to have access to therapy and to have found such amazing podcasts that I enjoy listening to. I also am happy that I started reading more books again this year, and I plan to read even more in 2023. I plan to dedicate time to myself each day, even if only for one minute on some days, because I deserve that love and attention from myself. I plan to be authentic and honest and speak up for myself whenever needed, and I plan to be unapologetic about setting healthy boundaries. I am planning to be less busy and live calmer and slower; after living with a dysregulated nervous system for most of my life, I want to do my absolute best to try to regulate it.
2023: More connecting with nature, less connecting with technology. More reading books, less scrolling through Instagram. More time doing what I love, less wasting time doing things that don’t align with me. More pausing and slowing down, less rushing and stressing. More focusing on my values and goals, less judging and doubting myself. I am doing only what I feel is best for me, and I won’t feel guilty about it.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty rested and relieved when I remembered it is Saturday. Having Thanksgiving off and then working in the office on Friday kind of threw me off a bit, but I’m definitely glad it’s the weekend and I am grateful not to work retail. That being said, make sure you’re being kind to all of the people who are working during the holidays! And while you’re at it, be kind after the holidays are over as well!
I still find it so crazy how the brain focuses so easily on the negative, yet not the positive. I am working hard focusing on gratitude and changing my perspective to a more positive frame of mind, but as a human I also know that we should feel through our emotions and not ignore them. It’s definitely a balance, and it’s always a struggle during this wonderful time or the month, but I owe it to myself to continue working on my healing and mental health journey.
What I have been struggling with the most is letting go. As of this morning, I feel the best I have about a recent situation that has been bothering me, which makes me feel happy. I need to re-read The Four Agreements, and in the meantime I need to practice those four principles: be impeccable with my word, don’t make assumptions, don’t take anything personally, and do my best.
Truly what anyone thinks about me doesn’t matter, because I know what I think of me. Although I have times where I talk myself into feeling bad about myself, I also know that I am a human who is ever-evolving and changing. It’s okay to let go of those who no longer serve your growth and journey, or even just having some distance. It’s definitely hard when you have love for someone, yet now you can see red flags and it’s impossible to unsee.
I understand two things can be true at once: someone can be jealous of you and proud of you, but what if the jealousy outweighs the love? It’s not their fault as they have their own insecurities, but at the same time, they’re the only one who can work through those feelings. It is not my job to fix anyone, it is my job to heal myself and work on being the person I want to be in life. It is important to meet people where they are, and at the same time, sometimes it’s okay to leave them there.
I have to remember that I will not always please everybody, and I will hurt people and their feelings in setting boundaries. It is not in my control how others react or live their lives, but how I live mine and how I act is in my control. I no longer wish to interact with those who aren’t truly happy for me, and although I will continue to be nice, I will be putting myself first, because I deserve it.
As I sit at my kitchen table with my chamomile tea, and I listen to Taylor Swift’s new album “Midnights” for the first time, I am feeling both nostalgic, yet very present in this moment. I can think back listening to her album “Speak Now” and how I felt when listening to certain songs. The crush when listening to “Enchanted,” the new crush fantasizing about acting out her song “Speak now,” but now looking at my life in this present moment and it being better than I could have dreamt.
I live with the love of my life in the beautiful townhome that we bought together, we both have jobs that allow us to pay our bills, save, and still enjoy our lives. I have been able to get the help I needed for my mental health, and I am enjoying the healing journey every day. Although I still have rough days (I did just recently), I am much more confident, and I see myself so differently than I did before. It honestly breaks my heart to look back and think about how much I hated myself and my brain. I would constantly fight back against the anxiety and take out my frustrations on the one I loved the most. I had so much anxiety around money and my control issues were overtaking me, and instead of letting that be my life, I recognized that I didn’t have to feel like that for the rest of my life.
I feel so blessed that I have the ability to afford going to therapy, and I am also glad I was able to try different medications that helped to calm down my brain enough to allow me to do the work. Now don’t get me wrong, I am still doing the work every single day. We are human beings with emotions and outside events that can impact our personal worlds, and it is completely normal to have bad days; what I find important is that we try to remember how we strong we truly are in those moments. We have gotten to this very moment, which means all of those times where we thought our world was ending, or we were never going to get through that rough time, we were wrong- we can truly make it through everything.
I still have times where I struggle with stressing over to-do lists, and I still get overwhelmed when I have more than one event/large task in a day. I still have to work on communicating my thoughts and accepting the fact that not everything I say will always be received well by everybody. I still have to constantly check-in with myself and see if I am in alignment with what I want to be, and if I am honest, I still do things that I know I don’t want to be doing! I still eat unhealthy food, and I don’t have a consistent writing or workout schedule, but I am still getting up every day and working toward a healthier future for myself, and I know that I will develop these habits with time. I am just proud that I have been able to learn how to give myself grace along the way, and I am slowly getting better at not beating myself up. I catch myself in negative self-talk, and I remind myself that I am human.
I am blessed to have a life partner who has been so patient and supportive along the way. I have a love I have always dreamed of, and I am so happy that our future children will grow up in a home where they can see true love and respect. Considering the home environment I grew up in, I feel even more lucky to have the relationship I have today. We have mutual respect for one another, we support one another’s goals and always try to see where the other person is coming from. I love how well we communicate, and how our love has only grown stronger over the last eleven years. We make sure that we are growing together and still focused on our future together, because we both want this forever.
I am grateful to have good friends in my life who are supportive and always cheering me on. I am very lucky to have a few close friends who I know will always listen to me and not judge me. I also am grateful for the fact that they all understand that I won’t always want to hang out, but that it is nothing personal, I just love my alone time and often feel like I need it. I feel like I have many good people in my life and I do my best to make sure they know I love them. Life is short, and it is important to tell the people you love that you love them.
Overall, I am thankful for the life that I have today at 27. I feel like I am finally living my life for myself, and not for those around me. I feel like I have broken away from my people-pleasing habit, although I know I still have to work on speaking my mind even if it may cause a disagreement, but I am accepting of the fact that my healing is life-long, and that I get to choose how I view my life. I can choose to see all of the negative and go back to self-destructive patterns, or I can continue to focus on my goals and give myself grace along the way to them. I am proud of the woman I am today, and I am happy to be here writing this tonight as I enjoy this new Taylor Swift album. I appreciate all who read this far, and I hope you too are giving yourself grace in your journey of life.
I have been doing a lot of reflecting on both myself and my friendships. I am so blessed to have so many close friends who are all so different from one another, and I too am still able to be myself with all of them.
As I grow older and move away from my people-pleasing tendencies, I am trying to be more mindful of how I listen to others as well as how I speak to them. I am coming to a point in my life where I find boundaries and honesty to be super important, and I am making sure that I speak my truth while being mindful of the other person’s emotions.
I used to silence myself and avoid saying anything that I felt could be confrontational or anything that could come off offensive, but as I grow up I am realizing that you’ll never be able to please everyone, but it is important that you’re always true to yourself. What matters is the intention behind your words and actions, and that you’re proud of your own choices/decisions.
I know that I am the only one who is guaranteed to be with me up until my dying day, so it is important that I honor myself and speak my truth while I’m here breathing. I know my intentions and goals, and if I continue to keep quiet, then I’ll never reach any goals.
From Dark to Light 