connection

Life Before the Internet (prompt)

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Do you remember life before the internet?

I don’t really remember life before the internet considering my parents got a computer when I was seven years old. Actually, I was apparently gifted this computer on my birthday by my dad’s cousin, but my dad lied and said it was for him and that he’d let me play games on it.

I did get to play games and use Word Paint LOL, but ultimately I don’t remember a lot of my childhood so I can’t say I remember life before the internet. I will say that I’m sure my dad was a lot more present as a parent without the computer, because a lot of my childhood that I do remember, he was sitting there in front of the computer screen.

It reminds me of how I use my phone now. I don’t have children currently, but I’ve always been mindful to the fact that when I have children, I don’t want them to feel like I’m always on my phone. I honestly think I’d just get off social media completely once I have a child, mainly because I also don’t want my future child(ren) on social media.

I am someone who uses the internet a lot. Most of us have to use it in some way for our jobs, we’re connected to it on our phones, we use it to order things of Amazon or groceries- it kind of seems like a basic necessity in our current society. However, I do feel that somehow the more “connected” we are online and/or to our devices, the less we are actually connecting with one another. We’re trading genuine conversations for likes and views from people on the internet.

Have you ever had an experience where you are out with family or friends and someone or some people start scrolling on their phones or start texting? Has that happened when you were directly talking with them? I understand we all have to be able to have our phones to check incase of emergencies, to be in contact with family/friends/babysitters etc- but to be interrupted from a genuine conversation for a random snapchat or an IG notification?

In that moment, in real life, that feels like a loss of connection. Another example that can feel like a disconnection: finding out important news about your close family and friends on social media, instead of from them directly. I value my friendships and I personally would rather talk to my friend in person and share a celebratory moment with them privately than to post to random strangers internet about something near and dear to my heart.

Maybe I’m old school, but I kind of feel like I would have enjoyed life before the internet. I’ll be 30 in July, so most of my life really did involve being on the internet. I feel like I’m definitely dependent on it now, but I also know that humans have lived without the internet for centuries, and they all survived. In fact, they probably thrived with less mental health issues and more genuine connections! LOL

Prompt – Wasted Time

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How do you waste the most time every day?

I waste time scrolling through Instagram. Although I also post and make reels sometimes, I know that social media is harmful and it’s not something I want to be focused on all the time. I think about becoming a parent one day and I never want my child to feel like a phone or social media platform is more important than time with them.

I’ve put limits on my phone that I ignore, but when I actually delete the app and take breaks, I always feel so refreshed. If I know I plan to get rid of it when I have a child, why do I keep it now? Entertainment? Connection? The occasional hit of getting a few thousand views on a reel? Is that doing anything beneficial for me in reality? Nope!

I love being connected with some of the authors, podcasters and singers that I admire, but again I’m not actually connected to them. If they ever like a comment or comment back, it’s their management team anyways. In actuality, I am not missing out on anything- and if I really wanted to “stay connected,” I can continue to listen to their podcasts/music and can visit their own webpages.

I love the positive posts and the funny videos, but are they worth taking time away from real life goals and aspirations?

Magic

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It’s crazy how connected people become the longer you spend time together. Last night, my fiancé and I were sharing a long embrace when tears started forming in my eyes. I felt so safe and happy, and I couldn’t help but think of our wedding day being a few months away and how amazing it will be to marry my best friend.

As he started to pull away from the hug I held on a little longer and told him that I got emotional. He’s like “what are you thinking? talk to me.” And I am smiling so big as the years literally just fall out of my eyes and I said “I’m just thinking about our wedding and I’m just so happy.” He looked at me and asked: “is it weird that I was thinking the same thing? I was imagining how our wedding kiss is going to end up turning into a long embrace like this and how you’ll be crying and I’ll just be holding you.”

We were both envisioning the same thing, the same moment. I’ve been feeling divinely supported throughout this wedding planning process, and this was just another confirmation of our love and how this is our time. I am so thankful to have him in my life, and to have support from all around us. 🥰

Ego Soul Blip

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My soul will live on, the ego will die along with the human body. The soul is who I relate more to: leading with love, empathy, and a nurturing heart. Knowing nothing is perfect, nor is it meant to be. Knowing that it’s not all about “me,” or even my human self, but it’s about all of us together. Humans thrive on connection. We lose ourselves in our ego, but that connection is what our souls need. We need peace. We need love. We need acceptance. We need trust. We are meant to feel all of the beautiful feelings and give so much love to ourselves, that we cannot help but pour love onto others.

Thought Vomit (Random)

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Human beings are complex and are not meant to be labeled and put in boxes. People seem to love putting other people in this boxes and then getting mad when they don’t fit in them. Having conversation and asking questions about another person’s life or experience would help to deepen connection and release the need for labels and boxes. Not everything is black and white, mostly everything lies within the shades of grey.

I struggle with keeping myself in my own box. How can I be someone who is uncomfortable with attention, yet wants to start a podcast and connect with people all over the world? How can I be someone who prefers to spread love and kindness, yet has such judgmental thoughts at times? The same way that someone who is generally kind to others can be in a bad mood sometimes. The same way that those healthy fitness influencers enjoy a sweet treat every so often. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with being contradicting, in fact it is quite normal. For me personally, I think that what matters is that you are always true to the values you hold. But do most people even know what their values are?

I value privacy, especially with anything I find to be intimate. I don’t think there are certain things that are meant to be shared with just anyone and everyone; with that being said, I also truly believe that everyone knows what is best for themselves and what makes them happy, so I don’t think it is “bad” or “wrong” for others to share things with the world that I normally wouldn’t. I struggle with when it is okay to share these opinions, mainly when I am faced with someone sharing how happy it makes them. I am allowed to share how I feel, but it is appropriate if it could offend them? In reality, if the intention is just to be authentic and share how I feel, as a true friend would want me to be, then it isn’t inappropriate to do. I’d never want someone to feel shamed for what they do, so I guess I just fear that stating my own opinion could make them feel upset.

But also, if I am not sharing my true response and I am keeping it inside, is that not just hurting myself and telling myself that my opinion doesn’t matter? Honestly, is it even not hurting them because I am hiding a part of me (my opinion) to make me appear agreeable and likeable? If I share my opinion, I have to remember the intention behind it. If it is to express my own feelings and/or stand up for myself or my belief, then that is worth it. My goal is to be more authentic in all of my relationships, and in any and all content I create in my future. It starts with speaking up for myself and learning how to handle these conversations with different types of people. I can only learn by starting, and truly starting to connect to myself and my intuition.

If I could easily stand up for my friends or family in any situation, why is it to hard to do for myself? Does part of me still feel like I don’t deserve that? Is it because I felt like I never had that? I felt alone in my home at a young age. My emotions were too much, but that is what was modeled to me. I had no one to back me up, and I didn’t feel like anyone was on my side. I had no power or control; I understand that in general, kids don’t need power or control in their household, but when the role models didn’t seem to be in control after 5pm, someone needed to be.

That young girl needed someone to stand up for her, but she was too scared and to shameful to tell anyone who could help. That young girl still lives within me, and she needs to know that today we can stand up for ourselves. Today, we can speak our mind and do so freely without anyone telling us that we can’t. The truth is the truth, and the intention is to heal, but also to help others to see that life can get better and you get to choose your own path in life. It starts with choosing my own path, and choosing myself every step of the way.

Still Shooketh

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I am still kinda shook after reading my old journals and having all these memories flood back. I’m also very proud of myself for writing back then, because I expressed several times that I had to get my emotions out somehow and if I didn’t I would die. The amount of suicide notes I found was alarming, and I clearly blurred a lot of that out.

I was such angry, confused child. I was so overwhelmed by the thoughts I had and the anger that I had no clue how to deal with. I couldn’t talk to my parents about my anger, because they were too busy dealing with their own emotions. When I’d express my feelings or opinions after letting them bottle up, I was met with “stop being so dramatic” and just more rules and control.

I love my parents and know they did the best with what they knew and had, and I know they love me and just wanted to protect me. I have a new appreciation for them as I am in my late twenties, and I do truly believe everything happens for a reason. I am proud of the woman I am today, and I am proud to be breaking cycles, even though it’s quite difficult.

I still have a habit of keeping things inside, as it was a normal thing in my life. It’s hard to speak up for myself as I assume it will end in shame and more conflict, but I know deserve to express my feelings. My inner child deserved to be defended and listened to and cared for, and I am determined to do that for her. If I feel disrespected or bothered, I am allowed to express how I feel, and my intention is never to shame others or make them feel uncomfortable, but I also don’t need to feel shame or discomfort.

Life is all about balance and growth and as I evolve I will continue to write and check in with myself so I can continue to make progress and focus on my goals. I am an empathetic person and I enjoy connecting with people, and I know the more that I am able to understand myself and my own emotions, the more I will be able to connect with others.

Life’s Guarantee: Death.

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I hate death. I mean, I feel like everyone feels the same way about it (well, other than psychotic serial killers I suppose), but throughout my life, it was something I often feared. I know people have fears of dying, but my fears had to do with the people I love dying. I would find myself having intrusive thoughts about loved ones, especially my boyfriend, dying in horrific accidents. Or sometimes I’d just be thinking about getting those terrifying phone calls from police or a family member. I found myself dreading seeing family names pop up on caller ID, and it was because I always thought there was bad news on the other end of that line.

I can remember the first death that had a large impact on me, and that was my maternal grandfather dying when I was seven years old. It was a tragic accident and due to the severity of the head/facial injury, my family thought it was best that I did not see him in the hospital while he was fighting for his life. I do not blame them at all for this, in fact I am grateful that I remember him as he was, and also he did happen to look very much like himself in the casket. I remember continuously crying at that funeral…the grief and sadness felt heavy on my small body.

Fast-forward to age twelve, when I come home to find out that my 16-year old cousin had passed in a tragic accident. This one hurt like hell, because although we didn’t see each other often, when we did, he was one of my favorite people. He was so authentic and didn’t care what anyone thought, and he was hilarious as f*ck! I remember constantly laughing and just having a great time when we were together. Going to that memorial service was really rough for me, and seeing everyone else, knowing we all felt that pain but with different levels of severity…it all felt so heavy again.

Jump a couple years ahead and one of the neighbors at the apartments I was growing up in also suddenly passed. She had been the one who hosted annual Luau each year, as well as the Halloween and Christmas parties. She was always so fun to be around and her nephew was a good friend of mine as he also was my neighbor. Her death was hard to deal with, but for me, I was older and had dealt with death before, but for some of my friends/neighbors, they hadn’t dealt with anything like this before. I saw how hard it was for a few of them, and it hurt knowing too that there was nothing I could do to make that pain go away.

At age 20, I found out that one of my best friends from middle school and freshman year had unfortunately taken her life. This death really shook me and made me feel guilty for numerous reasons. We had never really had a falling out, we just slowly grew apart as our interests and lives changed, but of course I felt guilty that I hadn’t been there for her and that we hadn’t talked in so long. It is easy to spiral and get into the “what ifs,” but after obsessing and ruminating for too long, I realized all of that was pointless. It was hard to let go, especially with the lack of closure and the questions that still were running through many peoples’ minds, but I had to move on with my life.

Less than two years ago, someone else who I had known and recently seen had also suddenly passed. Although some people on the outside who didn’t really know her feel that they would have seen this coming, this was shocking to her close friends who were still in touch with her. I am closer with her best friend, but seeing her go through this loss and hearing about all of the questions still unanswered and all of the uncertainty, it started bringing me back to when my friend had passed. I realized that I would become physically ill whenever we would talk about the recent death of her friend, and I had to take a step back even though I felt like a terrible friend for doing so. I am blessed that she understood and was not upset, and still had other friends who she could lean on for support.

Today I went to a memorial service for a family friend. A couple of the neighbors I grew up with recently lost their uncle. Growing up with them, I also knew their cousins as well (the ones who just lost their father), and my parents and I went to pay our respects. I was reluctant to go at first, because I hate death. I know that the energy is heavy, and it is easy for me to feel those emotions and put myself in their shoes, but that is also why I had to go. I wanted to be there to support my childhood friends and their family, and I also know how hard it is to deal with loss. People need to be around those who love and care about them during these times.

Unfortunately, death is an inevitable part of life; but that love that we have for people during the time we have alive…that is what makes the grief so rough. So when thinking about it that way, grief truly is a powerful form of love. The fact that you have so much adoration and love for another person, and that fact that you physically ache and feel something detach when they leave shows how truly connected we are. For me, instead of fearing death and grief, I want it to serve as a reminder to love now, and be present. It’s important to appreciate what we have right now in this moment, because life is too short, and we never know how short it is.

Death brings a form of heartache that can be hard to describe, but at the same time, if that person was here for one more day, you know you would spend every moment with them. Loving them, breathing in their scent, admiring their features…you wouldn’t shy away and distance yourself in hopes to make the pain easier, you would embrace all of the love that is present and appreciate it, even if that makes it harder when its time to let go. And when the inevitable happens, and the pain is at its worst, you can still lean into that love. Lean into the positive memories. Lean into supportive family and friends. Lean into that power of love that has brought so much joy into your life. Feel that grief move through you; cry it out and don’t feel guilty about it. Sending love to all who need it, and make sure you tell your loved ones how important they are to you.

“Where focus goes, energy flows.”

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I absolutely love when I awake in the morning and the sun is blaring in my eyes as our curtains hang just an inch too high above the window sill. I know that probably sounds like sarcasm, but just knowing that the sun is out and seeing how bright it is truly brings a sense of childlike joy to my heart. I’m not going to lie, I felt very exhausted waking up today, but that sunshine definitely brought some motivation.

Last month I spent time doing things I love; I went to a couple of concerts and I prioritized spending time with friends. I still battle with feeling drained after being out and hanging with people, but as long as I take time to be with myself and my thoughts afterwards, I typically end up replenishing that social battery. I absolutely love having conversations with people and just seeing how small the world is and how such different humans can still connect with each other. I truly believe that the art of listening and learning could have a profound impact in this world, which is why I am ready to get serious about my goals.

I keep talking about starting a podcast, but not making any efforts towards achieving that goal. I have most of the equipment that I need, I have endless resources at my fingertips (Google, YouTube, etc.), I have a bunch of scrambled ideas in my head, yet I haven’t put anything to paper… until yesterday! I finally did some bullet points and episode ideas and have been thinking about how to record and that I’d want to make other content out of my episodes. I have other ideas that I don’t want to go too much into detail on just yet, but I am starting to look at the resources I have and have decided I need to stop wasting time.

Last May I connected with a woman on a girls trip with one of my high school best friends, and she recently started a podcast of her own! On her podcast she is incredibly open about sharing her story and diving into her traumas, and she is creating a community of people who are healing together and growing together, which is honestly what I am wanting to do as well! Leading up to me seeing her announce her podcast, I had been getting some interactions with podcasters that I listen to on Instagram, such as Mel Robbins sharing my Instagram story to hers, and even getting a reply back from Jay Shetty in the comments!

Honestly, I had been asking for signs of what I should be putting my efforts towards and focusing on, and I kept receiving signs but still not putting in any effort. I knew that when I got these notifications of these well-known podcasters that I was supposed to explore this idea and see if this dream is what I really want to pursue. Recently I was able to reconnect with that woman from the girls trip on Instagram, and she actually invited me to be on her podcast! We chatted on the phone for a bit and she is going to send me some more information so we can get ready to record at the end of this week!

I was honestly honored that she wanted me to to be on her show, and I literally look at this as not even a sign, but as if the universe just put everything right in front of me and has made the opportunity so apparent and available. This is going to be a good test for me to see how I enjoy it and learn from her, and I am honestly just so grateful for this opportunity. Like Tony Robbins said: “Where focus goes, energy flows.” I want to make sure I am taking time to prioritize myself and my hobbies, especially while I am in this season of my life where I have the time and freedom to do so. I am excited for this next chapter, and I am blessed to have such great support around me.

Sending love to all! Have a great Sunday and week ahead. ♡

Chill Sunday- Reflecting

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I am so glad to be spending today at home with my love. I am finally getting over this virus, but unfortunately he has the beginning symptoms of it now. I keep encouraging vitamins and hydration, and today’s important task of rest. Although I will say it definitely is a beautiful day outside, and it wouldn’t hurt to go out and get some fresh air. Vitamin D is a necessity anyways, and I always feel better after a nice walk in nature. Next weekend I am going on a mini vacation and I am super excited to hang with my good friend! We are going to a concert and going to do some shopping, and I am happy that I will be feeling 100% by then!

I keep finding myself feeling upset about the fact that I haven’t been feeing 100% really much this year. I feel like I am either in some sort of pain or I am battling with an illness or allergies, and it has had me feeling pretty down considering I keep wanting to get into a good gym routine and work on my health. To be fair, these ailments have been requiring me to rest and to focus on my health, so I guess that’s what they mean when they say “be careful what you wish for” LOL! I will say I am appreciating the lesson of needing to rest, and I as I said last post I have seen progress in myself as far as not being so hard on myself about falling behind on certain chores. The tasks will always be there, but those aren’t what I want my focus to be on. Yes, I still will be responsible and maintain a decent home, however I refuse to punish myself and make myself avoid pleasure until all chores are done, as that is not how I want to live.

I always tell my boyfriend that once we are married and have children, I don’t want to be so focused on the house being a mess or the laundry needing to be done, but instead on enjoying time with our kids. We only have so much time in this life, why would I want to rob myself of precious moments with my babies to be angry about house chores? I feel like I am learning important lessons now that I will be able to apply to my future self, and I am happy to be present to it. I know that thinking about my future may seem like I am not being present, but I truly feel the difference between when I used to fixate on my future life vs. having these brief, fleeting thoughts about it.

My focuses for now are on regulating my nervous system and focusing on inner peace. Having inner peace is something that I do have, but I want to become more emotionally mature and make it so that no one can ever take that peace away from me. I often get agitated by others and find myself easily annoyed, and that is something I am continuing to work through. For example, I have been sick, so I have been more irritable than usual, and the other day I felt myself becoming so bothered by what someone next to me was doing. Honestly, it was a dumb reason to be annoyed, and instead of fixating on it and allowing myself to let the anger build, I started talking to myself in my head.

I reminded myself that I am ill and that everything feels amplified in that moment, and that what other people do does not have an effect on my life. I sat and told myself that all I can do is what I am supposed to do in the way that I want to, and just as I wouldn’t want others to tell me how to do it, I have no business to comment on what someone else is doing. I do not know what is best for anyone, nor do I need to know; my focus is on myself and how I am handling situations in life. Even if I have shared stories and information with others to help them understand me and my situation, they still have never walked in my shoes or lived through my traumas the way I did, therefore they do not know what is best for me or my life.

Now let’s flip that that the other way around: just because someone has told me about their traumas and stories does not mean I know how they felt or truly understand the impact it had on them or in what ways. It is not my place to ever tell someone how to live their life. However, that does not mean I am not allowed to share my opinion from my own point of view, but it is important to me that I am mindful of other people’s feelings. I also feel that minding my own business tends to be an easier, less emotional approach, although I am trying to practice the art of listening to others’ traumas without taking them on. I have felt a huge difference in this over the past couple of years, and I am extremely grateful for that. A quote that someone I know likes to live by is “be connected to everything, but attached to nothing,” and I feel that completely.

I love human connection and seeing how similar we all truly are, but I cannot become attached to others based on having comparable walks of life. This is how trauma-bonds start forming and it can be a toxic situation to be in. I don’t want to attach myself to anything, as everything is temporary-whether we are talking about feelings or people, nothing is forever. This doesn’t mean I don’t love the people around me or that I don’t seek connection in conversation, it just means that I won’t allow an attachment to distract me from my path. I used to let other people’s problems weigh me down and become my focus, which in turn allowed me to abandon myself and become lost. I didn’t know what I was feeling was my own, or if I was letting others have an influence on me, and ultimately that was to my own demise.

I have come quite far on my self-love journey, and I can see why people say you cannot love someone else until you love yourself. I still disagree in some ways, because I know that I fell in love with my boyfriend at 16 years old and we have spent the last 11+ years growing together and continuing to build this love. However, I also am very blessed to have a partner who has been both patient and respectful throughout the entire relationship. I know that I got lucky, and if I had dated someone who had more malicious intentions or narcissistic tendencies, that I would have easily fallen into a toxic, likely anxious attachment style. I was fortunate enough to be able to have someone who has been supportive, and even encouraging of my healing, and I think that connection has assisted in my progress. However, I also know that I am the one is putting in the hard work, and I am the one who can get myself through anything in life. I am connecting to my inner peace and my healing, and detaching from the outside noise; I am dedicated to being my best self, for myself.

Happy and Tired

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This weekend has been full of fun events and seeing friends, and honestly I feel like a little kid again except the part where kids have endless amounts of energy and I am feeling wiped the fuck out LOL. On Friday it was my friend’s birthday and we all went to the roller rink and then bowling! We are all definitely nearing thirty, but with the amount of joy and laughter that came from this, you’d think we were all teenagers again. Strapping up those dirty, painful plastic blades brought me back to a place in the body where nothing mattered at all, except rolling around that rink. I got right back in the rink as if I never left! Also, when it came to bowling, I ended up playing pretty well! Honestly I normally suck when I go bowling, but I ended up getting multiple strikes! Maybe it was the good ass food that arrived, or maybe it was the overall vibe of the night, but I had a great time.

On Saturday a few of us from the same group went to see an interesting show: we saw America’s greatest mind-reader, Joe Diamond. I’m not going to lie, there was some shit that he did where all of us just looked at each other like “how???” It was definitely an experience and I am glad we went! Before we went I had a super productive day around the house, and I was proud of myself for taking time to be slow and present in the morning, rather than just rushing to get all of the chores done. I ended up being more efficient when I took my time, and I was in a better mood overall!

This morning I met up with my high school bff for some coffee and brunch, and we also got to go around to some cute little shops. I was excited to catch up with her and just enjoy a nice sunny morning after having these terrible winter/ice storms. Unfortunately, I believe this nice weather has contributed to the cough and sore throat that I am now experiencing. On that note, I am exhausted after this weekend and this day, and I am going to get some rest now so I can be ready for the week ahead. Wishing all of you a great week ahead, and a great March as well since February is just about over!