self love

Happy and Tired

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This weekend has been full of fun events and seeing friends, and honestly I feel like a little kid again except the part where kids have endless amounts of energy and I am feeling wiped the fuck out LOL. On Friday it was my friend’s birthday and we all went to the roller rink and then bowling! We are all definitely nearing thirty, but with the amount of joy and laughter that came from this, you’d think we were all teenagers again. Strapping up those dirty, painful plastic blades brought me back to a place in the body where nothing mattered at all, except rolling around that rink. I got right back in the rink as if I never left! Also, when it came to bowling, I ended up playing pretty well! Honestly I normally suck when I go bowling, but I ended up getting multiple strikes! Maybe it was the good ass food that arrived, or maybe it was the overall vibe of the night, but I had a great time.

On Saturday a few of us from the same group went to see an interesting show: we saw America’s greatest mind-reader, Joe Diamond. I’m not going to lie, there was some shit that he did where all of us just looked at each other like “how???” It was definitely an experience and I am glad we went! Before we went I had a super productive day around the house, and I was proud of myself for taking time to be slow and present in the morning, rather than just rushing to get all of the chores done. I ended up being more efficient when I took my time, and I was in a better mood overall!

This morning I met up with my high school bff for some coffee and brunch, and we also got to go around to some cute little shops. I was excited to catch up with her and just enjoy a nice sunny morning after having these terrible winter/ice storms. Unfortunately, I believe this nice weather has contributed to the cough and sore throat that I am now experiencing. On that note, I am exhausted after this weekend and this day, and I am going to get some rest now so I can be ready for the week ahead. Wishing all of you a great week ahead, and a great March as well since February is just about over!

Proud of Me

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I want to take this time to celebrate myself, because I feel like I haven’t taken time to sit and truly reflect on all of the work I have been doing. For over a year, I have been immersing myself in self-help podcasts and books and I have started to make and keep more promises to myself. I have started to take time to prioritize myself by taking time to move my body, even if somedays it is just ten minutes of stretching. I recently started reading a fiction book from an author I used to read all the time; honestly, it feels good to take a break from the self-help books. I am in the middle of a daily challenge that was at the end of the book I just read :”Disease to Please.” I am doing this at my own pace, as some of the challenges I feel require a bit more time, and I am okay with that. I also am better at reminding myself that prioritizing my health and my rest is essential for growth and healing, and that slow progress is still progress- after all, you can’t rush greatness! I am enjoying living slowly and prioritizing my peace, and I find myself being a lot more present in my interactions with friends and with the world around me. There’s something so freeing in slowing down, rather than constantly feeling like I am racing through life to some imaginary finish line.

I have become more self aware, which has been hard and rewarding at the same time. There was something I read in the people-pleasing book I read that really opened my eyes to why I am the way I am. There was a section in the book that was titled: “Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents,” and although it was only one page, it completely blew my mind. Within the page it discussed how children of alcoholic parents try to maintain control by being “good” and doing “nice” things in order to make parents happy and/or keep the peace. It also said the following: “Avoiding disapproval and criticism by keeping a low profile and not drawing parental attention become the safest means of childhood survival in alcoholic families.” After I read this, I immediately thought of how I hate having attention on me. I’ve never wanted a large wedding, I always say that when I have future baby showers I don’t want to open gifts in front of everyone… I have always hated having all eyes on me. This is probably also why I struggle to celebrate myself or share my wins or accomplishments with others. In life I maintain a low profile, and this is to avoid any unwanted attention, and also any unwanted confrontation.

Although I can appreciate the inner parts of me that are trying to protect me from the world, I also recognize how they are hindering me from stepping into my full potential. I don’t want to go through life trying to be invisible and quiet, instead I would like to be able to speak my mind and share my opinions, even if they differ from someone else’s. I am happy to say I have been more vocal when it comes to speaking out when I am bothered, and I am working on getting better at asking for help when I need it and learning about what my needs are. Since I had abandoned myself for so long, I realized that I don’t even know what I want/need from the relationships in my life outside of mine and my boyfriend’s. I have been lucky enough to grow with him throughout the years and we continue to learn about each other as we grow, but I haven’t had that same experience with my friendships or family relationships. I often would default to being “nice” and people-pleasing, rather than saying “no” to things and saying how I really felt, and that is something I refuse to do going forward.

Overall, I am proud of myself. I am prioritizing my health, both physical and mental. I am prioritizing my inner peace as I continue to regulate my nervous system. I am checking in with myself and setting my intentions, all while allowing myself to rest and reset. I am giving myself the grace I deserve as I continue to work through hard truths and emotions. I am showing up for me, for the first time in my life, and it feels good keeping these small promises to myself. And I know I can appear selfish or conceited to others on the outside, but what other people think of me is none of my business. The only approval I need is my own, the other person I care to impress is myself, and I will continue to progress and heal.

Sending love and healing to all who need it.

Sunday-Tarot Pull

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Happy Sunday! I want to start off by saying that this past week I have felt kind of “off.” I haven’t felt as positive or easy-going as I have been wanting to feel; instead I have been tired, emotional, and it’s definitely been easier to spiral into self-doubt and negative self-talk than it has been to focus on the good. I still am working on re-wiring my brain, and I know that I need to take time to rest and just let myself be in peace, and maybe that is just what I am meant to do at this time.

Today I am doing a mind, body, soul tarot card pull for myself from the Black Cats Tarot deck that a good friend got me for my birthday last year, and I thought I’d pull them and write about them here today. I have my cards pulled so let’s get started:

Mind- The Fool-The White cat represents freedom and purity, manifesting no fear in its gait: he always walks ahead serenely without every glancing back. No link and no attachment can stop it. He knows that the most profound wisdom means remaining humble before the mystery of Creation.

My Interpretation: Although I have these attachments to my old ways of thinking, or links of the past voices telling me I was stupid, or fat, or not good enough…I know that none of that will impact how beautiful my future will be. I also read the “remaining humble before the mystery of Creation,” as me doing what I am doing now, by being open and vulnerable about my mental health and showing everyone that it is not always positive rainbows and sunshine, and you have to feel to heal. It is human nature to have emotions and to have ups and downs, I am embracing the waves, rather than fighting them.

Body- Three of Wands: Ascent– This card represents a constructive path. Working to attain one’s own objectives. Ambition and talent collaborate harmoniously.

My Interpretation: It makes complete sense for my body/health; I am working on listening to my body and seeing what works best for me when it comes to mindful eating and exercise. I have found myself comparing myself to friends recently, some losing weight, some gaining muscle, and I had to take a step back and realize that I was working against myself in those moments. My goal is to listen to myself and my body and do what feels good to me, not doing what I see other people doing.

Soul- Two of Wands: Discussion- This card represents our inner and outer conflicts. There is never progress without a struggle. It is necessary to act, trying to take into consideration the various aspects of a problem.

My Interpretation: This came full circle for me, and I love love looovvee that it is my “soul” card. It is normal to struggle, and I need to take this time to do just that. Let me sit and heal the inner conflicts, and that will help me with the outside ones. Progress comes from hard work and sometimes taking a step back and inwards is the hardest work to do.

2•12•23 Tarot Pull

Monday Morning

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Starting the week off with some gratitude. First I want to say that my intention for this week is to focus on getting my body more aligned with my mind, as I haven’t been eating the best over the weekend or the last few weeks honestly. I’m starting this morning with some yoga at home and lemon/cucumber water, and I am happy to celebrate even that “small” win!

In which case, I’ll start by saying I’m very grateful for that win this morning and the fact that I am up early enough to be able to stretch and even write up this short blog post! I promised myself I’d get up early, and I did!

I am very grateful for this blog. I started this years ago and I have been better and better about writing it in weekly and I am happy that I started this when I did, and I am excited to keep it going!

I am thankful for my boyfriend, as he truly makes my days better. He always makes me laugh and makes me feel loved, and I admire the mutual respect and support we have for one another.

I am grateful for my job. I am lucky to have a job that I don’t hate, that has PTO and insurance, and allows me to pay my bills and still be able to enjoy life. I also don’t work weekends which is something I’ve always wanted!

I am grateful for my three beautiful cats! I always grew up with cats and I’m so happy that we have our babies at home who love us and bring us joy. Kitty purrs and cuddles always put me in a better mood.

There are so many other things I am grateful for, such a podcasts, books, great friends, sunrises/sunsets, days with minimal traffic, iced coffee, the fact that my car has heat so I. can be warm on my way to work when it’s only 14 degrees out. I could go on and on, but instead I’m going to get back to some stretching before I go to work.

Have an incredible Monday and great week ahead!

Grateful Sundays

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For some reason it feels like I haven’t typed up a blog post in a while. That could be the fact that I will often write these posts on my phone, but there is something more satisfying about typing it on my laptop, listening to Anderson .Paak Radio, while sipping on some iced coffee. This year when it starts to get warmer, I want to make time to go to different coffee shops or bookstores so I can have new places to write and maybe spark some more creativity. I absolutely love being home, but I want to make sure I don’t become a total homebody because I also love being outside and exploring new environments.

Yesterday I was thinking about what goals I am currently working on. I had listened to an episode from the Mel Robbins Podcast a few weeks back that talked about narrowing down your goals. She even has a free worksheet available on her site to use (I need to invest in a printer so I can start printing these resources out); although I haven’t even looked at this sheet yet, I did remember that she said to only have one to three goals at a time. The less goals, the more time and effort you have to actually spend on working toward that goal. Overall I have been on a healing journey and been focusing on that, but I wanted to actually list out three goals that I am currently working towards so that I can come back to them and re-focus when I inevitably fall out of it.

My first goal I am working on is being more present. I know I have mentioned this in previous posts, but within the last year it really hit me that I have spent most of my life on autopilot and in a hypervigilant state. According to WebMD, Hypervigilance is defined as: “the elevated state of constantly assessing potential threats around you,” and states that it is often the result of a trauma. Growing up in an unpredictable environment (for me, having alcoholic parents, one of which was an angry drunk), has left my nervous system in a continuous state of dysregulation. Since I spent most of my life planning ahead, coming up with worst-case scenarios so I could be prepared for whatever happened (which btw, is just a lie my anxiety told me), I never was actually in the present moment. I may have been physically there, but mentally I was always elsewhere. I can look back at photos and not even remember that day, which honestly broke my heart when I started realizing how few memories I had. Now I am making a more conscious effort to check in with myself throughout the day so that it becomes more second nature for me to do so. I also decided to start a 2023 memory jar, and whenever I have a fun experience or something brings me joy, I write it on a little piece of paper and fold it up and throw it in the jar! That way at the end of the year, I can remind myself how amazing the year was, and hopefully continue this tradition.

Another important goal of mine is to always find the joy in things, and actively do things that bring me happiness. Now this doesn’t need to be extravagant things like traveling to Caribbean or going on shopping sprees-although those things definitely do bring me joy, but I want to focus on the simple things in life. As I’ve stated multiple times throughout this blog, I absolutely love nature walks and being outside. In the winter I unfortunately let my hatred of the cold win most battles, but I am finding other things that bring me joy within my own home. I love writing, even though I may not always feel like writing, once I start I realize how much I needed it and how great I feel afterwards. I also enjoy reading, listening to podcasts, and of course singing and dancing along to some good jams. I also go in and out of phases of enjoying crafting, which I honestly haven’t done in a while, but I did think about starting to make some crafts again that have to do with mental health and healing! I also still want to start a podcast or at least start streaming again on Twitch, because I honestly love talking and can literally talk to myself for hours, so maybe others will want to listen. I have had multiple friends say we should start a podcast together, so I have thought of just starting one and bringing everyone one as guests. That will require more thought and planning, but either way I will be sure to find the joy in all of it!

The last, but certainly not least, goal of mine that I am focusing on my health, which includes my mental health. I want to consistently work on regulating my nervous system with exercise, meditation and journaling. I also want to be more mindful about my food choices and work on eating/drinking less sugar. I am not a person who does well with diets, as I get very obsessive with calorie/carb counting and it becomes unhealthy, so I am just focusing on being mindful in my day to day choices. I also feel that part of focusing on my health includes not holding onto anger or bitterness, so I am actively working on speaking up when things bother me, and also sharing my opinions even if they differ from others. Constantly muting myself in conversations is only depleting my self-worth and building up resentment; I know that everyone has differing opinions and sometimes I may come off offensive, but as long as my intentions are pure and all with love, then I will continue to be okay with myself and with the outcome. As I said before, I love talking…so I am done silencing myself.

As January comes to a slow close, I am looking forward to working towards my goals this year and continuing to check in with myself. I know that life with bring challenges and hiccups as it always does, but as I continue to regulate my nervous system and focus on my mental health, I will become more emotionally mature and more confident in myself along the way. I have made it through all of my worst days, and I am stronger because of it. I am excited to finally see myself in a different, more accepting light; I appreciate my resilience and the empathy I have for myself along the way. In my opinion, love is always going to be the answer; I am choosing to give my inner child the love she deserves, therefore giving my present self that same love.

Wednesday Affirmations

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Lunch break means it’s time for some affirmations! Some I have in my phone as reminders, some just will come as I write. Feel free to write some in the comments or let me know if any resonate with you!

All is well.

Everything always works out in my favor.

I am loved, I am safe, I am at peace.

I release all fear and allow the universe to work her magic.

I trust that all will work out how it should.

I am capable of more than I realize, as I am divinely supported.

I am a confident in myself and my abilities.

I trust myself to navigate what life brings me.

I am strong and resilient; I have survived all of my worst days.

I allow the light within me to shine through.

Looking Forward

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As I write this, I am winding down with my boyfriend after a nice weekend spent with my family. We celebrated our Christmas, and I love that we always do this in January after the holidays are over, because it just feels a lot less stressful. We always do a white elephant exchange and this time we had a fun twist on the game which made it more interesting; my boyfriend and I somehow ended up taking several gifts home, so if there was supposed to be a winner, I feel like it was definitely us LOL.

It was nice to spend time with family, and I know we will all spend more time with each other this year! I definitely want to go visit again when it gets warmer out, and every year we also have our annual girls’ trip, but I want to make an effort to see family more this year, as well as my friends. I also want to make sure I am getting outside as much as I can, as I always feel happy after a walk through nature or a few hours at the beach.

I am happy to say that I already have a mini girls’ trip planned in March. I am going to meet up with a couple friends in Minneapolis so we can shop and go to a concert! I have never been to the Mall of America, and I also have never been to a concert in MN so I am looking forward to that! Then sometime late summer another friend and I are planning a trip to celebrate our birthdays! I love traveling, I love new experiences, and I am making sure to prioritize that where I can, while still being mindful with money and our future goals.

Life is all about balance, and I definitely feel like I have spent most of my life falling off of the balance beam. But as I am learning about myself and how my brain functions, I am able to understand myself more and I am slowly unlearning unhealthy patterns and coping mechanisms. Part of healing includes seeking joy and doing things that bring life back to you, and I am going to do that this year without feeling guilty about it. I deserve joy and I deserve grace and non-judgment from myself as I continue to heal and improve my mental health.

I truly believe that 2023 is the year where I bloom. I will breakthrough my self-doubt and self-defeating patterns, and I will do it all with love. I will do it with small acts of kindness, both for myself and others. I will do this by keeping the promises I make to myself. I will do this by forgiving those who have hurt me, and forgiving myself for the judgment I hold towards myself. I will give myself that same grace and empathy that I give to those I love, because I deserve it.

“This Too Shall Pass”

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I survived Monday! And if you’re reading this, that means you did too! Congratulations! I hope you did something for yourself today, because you deserve it! I am happy to report that I woke up today in less pain than I’ve been in all week, and it really wasn’t a bad Monday! Work was productive, getting adjusted and chatting with the chiropractor’s assistant was pleasant, and doing some stretches in the comfort of my living room while listening to Mel Robbins is honestly quite therapeutic.

I just wanted to write for a second, because I was reflecting on my generally good mood today, and it truly is insane how different my mood was when I was in pain. I mean it makes total sense! Not only was I irritable because of the pain I felt and how slowly I had to move when doing literally anything, but I felt myself getting anxious about the house chores piling up, and of course starting the worst case scenarios: “what if I am in this horrific pain forever?” But when I found myself sobbing softly in the kitchen (because a hard sob would hurt too much) my brain did something different. Instead of letting myself go down that dark rabbit hole of guilt and negative self-talk, during the very worst of the pain I found myself saying, out loud too myself: “This is temporary, I am okay.”

I knew the back pain was temporary, because I had this same pain a month prior. I knew that I’d continue to see the chiropractor and actually start wearing the back brace (so maybe I didn’t wear the brace and maybe I skipped out on my therapies…I wonder why the pain started. LOL) and that I could get help myself out of this pain. I knew the pain wasn’t going to be there forever, and that I would feel myself again… so why not apply this to all of life’s hard times?

If I wanted to relive my past, which quite frankly I am actively trying to live in the present so that doesn’t sound very appealing, I would wish that I could have thought this way in so many moments. To be able to remind yourself that heavy emotions are temporary, the physical pain is temporary, the need for more rest is temporary, that stressful job is temporary…that can ease so much of the weight in those hard times. It’s easy for me to spiral into negative thought patterns and turn on the self-loathing soundboard, so to be able to stop the downward spiral with the simple reminder that “this too shall pass” is honestly a game-changer. I know, I know… I’ve heard that phrase a million times over in my twenty-seven years of life, but this is when it clicked for me.

As I move through the week and face challenges as they come (including hormonal ones, because sometimes I think mother nature f*cking hates me), I will continue to remind myself that everything is temporary. I get to choose what I focus on, and I am choosing to focus on my happiness. And no matter how heavy things may feel, I’ll just remind myself that this too shall pass.

Low

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I believe my last post had to do with my back pain, and I am happy to say that I have had much improvement over the week, but I do still have some pain. I went to my chiropractor and got some new x-rays done, and basically I am making progress which is kind of causing the pain. My hips are off-center because of the 10-degree curve in my spine, and as we are making progress on the curve, my hips are realigning. The way he explained it is that the joint in my hip doesn’t want to continue making progress and it is fighting back, but as we continue with adjustments and my therapies that it will continue to get better.

I am excited to get back in the gym and get back to being active, as I’ve been laying pretty low since having this pain. I have been stretching and still running errands and what not as I want to stay moving, but I can’t wait to be back to 100%! I have a feeling I’ll be feeling that way by the end of this week, considering I’ll be seeing my chiropractor Mon-Wed!

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a little rough for me not to start getting down on myself or anxious. I hate “falling behind” on house chores and I was also super motivated for this new year and to feel like I’ve been spending most of it in pain makes me upset. I have to make sure I take time to remember all of the beautiful things that have already happened this year.

For example, I got to make vision boards with my best friend! We are going to make this a yearly tradition to make vision boards for the new year, and I am so happy with how mine turned out! I also got to hang out with my childhood bff, and just laughing and chilling with her felt healing in and of itself. We’re excited to hang out more this year, and overall I am very excited for this year ahead.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I went to Portillo’s, which was such a yummy treat. I literally was craving their cheese fries for three days leading up to that lunch date, so to say I was excited was an understatement. After that we traveled out to the Dick’s Warehouse Sale, and after sifting through some very interesting products, we each found a pair of shoes we liked! Once we were home I went to hang out with a friend of mine, and just enjoyed a pretty chill night.

This year hasn’t been bad, I am just learning to live slower and more mindfully. I also feel that this pain has taught me that I need to keep moving and take care of myself, which is something I’ve been saying for a long time, but haven’t been doing. I deserve to be healthy and enjoy life, and I am the only one who can give myself that. As I continue to heal, I will remember to keep tuning into gratitude and being present. Happy Sunday!

2023 vision board