perfectionism

Vulnerable Reflection: I’m Angry

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After being away with my family for a weekend, I feel the need to sit and reflect on the triggers that came up. I always feel extra on edge and like I’m a whole child again whenever I am around family. It always feels like all of the healing I’ve done completely disappears, and I’m back to being defensive and overthinking everything.

When I was a child I felt small and dumb. I felt like I always was a “fuck up.” To others, it probably makes zero sense, because I was a good kid, with good grades, who did whatever I was told to do. I may have had some attitude when I didn’t want to do things, but I got it done regardless. I felt like somehow I was simultaneously the one who no one had to worry about, yet everyone was always worrying about me. The helicoptering control and constant contradictions of my childhood really messed up my self-trust, and I’ve been trying to build it back for almost ten years now.

When I am asked about my life plans – mainly family planning- it triggers my lack of self trust, and it sends me into a spiral of defending myself and over explaining myself. Since I’m a 30-year-old childless woman, when family asks when and why it just feels like somehow I am the one fucking up again. When I’m told that being an “old mom” is somehow going to be harder than being a “young mom,” that also pisses me off because I obviously cannot get any younger, so that comment just feels like a push to go get pregnant right now, when that’s not our plan.

In reality, I am very aware that my life timeline is no one’s business, and so long as my husband and I are the ones having the conversations and being on the same page, that is what matters. However, when I am in a triggered state, instead of pausing and remembering who I am, I end up defending myself and getting angry with everyone, rather than just stating the facts. It’s my life, we are not looking to have children at this very moment, and if I am feeling nice, I’ll let you know once we are. If we wait too long, then we wait too long, and that’s how it was meant to be, because regardless, this is all God’s plan.

I was listening to a podcast today, and I heard the guest saying “the more anyone tells me to do something, the less inclined I am to do it,” and that is exactly how I feel when this conversation comes up. If someone tells me to have kids or asks when we’re gonna have them, it makes me literally just not want to have them at all so the conversation can be over. I know it’s out of spite and it’s irrational, but that’s truly what comes up for me.

Another thing I keep thinking about is how bothered I am when I’m offered help or hovered over by my family- mainly my mother. Obviously her intention is to be nice and offer help, but it triggers me because it makes me feel like that dumb kid again who wasn’t trusted no matter how good she was. If I say “I’m good” and then I’m questioned or still offered help, my brain takes that as “she doesn’t trust me, nor does she think I am capable of doing anything on my own.” I know what my mother is doing is people-pleasing, and I know it because I do it too. She is being overly courteous and she’s reading into my emotions and she thinks that I may be slightly off, but that’s not her problem to fix…it’s mine.

I also get triggered by my mom, because she always reading the room and trying to please people/keep everyone happy so conflict and/or tension don’t arise, when she could really just mind her own business. Why is that triggering? Because I do the same thing… and I hate that about me! I let other people’s emotions and lives consume me. I literally do the same shit she does, and seeing her do it made me so angry, because I HATE THAT I’M LIKE THIS!!

I HATE THAT I WAS TRAINED TO ABANDON MYSELF AND MY OWN FEELINGS. I HATE THAT I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM OR WHAT I LIKE BECAUSE I WAS TOO FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE AROUND ME. I HATE THAT I FEEL SO MUCH AND CARE SO MUCH, YET NEVER ENOUGH ABOUT MY OWN HEALTH OR MY OWN THOUGHTS/OPINIONS. I FUCKING HATE THAT I HAVE WORKED SO HARD ON MY MASK THAT I FEEL LIKE A FRAUD. I AM SO ANGRY AND I’VE NEVER LET MYSELF FEEL IT OR SIT IN IT OR RELEASE IT BECAUSE I AM SCARED OF MY OWN ANGER- WHICH ALSO MAKES ME ANGRY!

In reality, I’m scared of all of my emotions, because they’re all so intense and I was never taught how to identify, feel, or release them. Now as an adult, it’s my responsibility to do so, but the anger feels so deep. I’m mad that my parents made me so paranoid about the world around me. I’m mad that I wasn’t given life skills to push through the hard parts in life, instead, I was taught to avoid them. I’m mad that I wasn’t allowed to have big emotions, while my parents screamed angry slurs at one another every other night. I’m mad I didn’t have someone in my childhood home to validate any of my feelings or make me feel like I wasn’t fucking crazy, because I have felt crazy my entire life. It’s confusing to grow up the way I did, and I’m mad that I had to experience it.

I’ve been an angry girl since I was seven, and I don’t know how to get it out of me still. I feel like my muscles and intestines are entangled with anger and frustration built up over the years. I feel it so deep in my body and brain that I have no idea where to even start. Talk therapy clearly isn’t doing it for me, because I can talk and talk and talk, but this is deeper. This anger is in my body- the body I’ve been neglecting/ not caring about. I feel it in my shoulders, my jaw, my hips, my legs… I feel the tension all the time. I sleep in tense positions. I am set off in a panic by the simplest things because deep down, I am just angry.

I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to be one of those bitter old people who hates everyone and hates life. I don’t want to have constantly gut issues and neck/jaw pain. I don’t want to not care about myself, and I’m starting to think it starts with just allowing myself to be angry. It can’t go away if I never let it come up, and shoving it down is clearly taking a toll on me, so I guess it’s time that I just allow myself to just be angry.

Chapter 30

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Another year around the sun, my 30th one

This one feels different; mature. demure.

30 feels more settled and peaceful

30 feels like confidence; like I’m actually more than enough

30 feels how I want it to feel, because I no longer aim to please everyone around me; my only goal is to be authentically myself.

I was never meant to be everyone’s cup of tea

Nor do I actually want to be

In reality, I just want to be me

And so, this is 30

Sunday

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My husband and I are on our way home after a fun day playing on a huge water obstacle course! Yesterday my husband suggested that we do something fun, and after looking online for a while, we decided on this! It was a much fun, but boy was it hella exercise LOL! I know we are gonna feel it tomorrow.

I’m so glad we went- not only because it was a fun date day, but also because I need to be prioritizing joy in this season of my life. I noticed yesterday after we booked it, and even this morning that I was having anxiety about it and feeling uneasy. I knew it was mainly because it’s not anything I’ve ever done before, but I still feel like part of me always tried to self-sabotage whenever I am doing something for myself.

The good news is that I noticed it early on today, and my husband was also very aware and making sure to check in on me and reassure me. I always feel bad that I tend to make our good days start out poorly just with my anxiety and control issues. I always feel like everything has to go perfectly, but my rigidness is worse than things just going awry on their own. I know this, and I know I need to give my perfectionist part of me love rather than shame.

Dear little perfectionist with me, you are allowed to relax. I know you had to make sure that all things were thought through, and I know that control makes you feel safe; the truth is that nothing is ever perfect, and you have not only survived all of those imperfect moments in your life- you thrived. No matter how much you overthink and over plan, all will happen exactly as it should, and you’ll always be able to handle it. You don’t have to be so uptight and rigid, in fact, you deserve rest and joy more than you know- I pray you open up to receive it.

New Moon Release 5-26-25

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Happy New Moon!! 🙌🏼

This new moon, I’m setting the intention of being less in the mindset of “all or nothing.” This comes into play a lot in my life whenever I am trying to reach a new goal or start a new project, and I know it stems from the perfectionism. This mindset has hurt me in the past when it comes to dieting, as well as healing and even starting my podcast.

When I was doing the Ketogenic diet to lose weight years ago, I was all the way in. I ate all the protein I needed, I made sure to never go over 20 net carbs a day, and when I did, I punished myself for it. I’d mentally beat the shit out of myself for going over as if that would change my entire progress. Even if it did, which it did not, I never deserved to treat myself the way I did. That was way more unhealthy than if I had eaten 20 more carbs!

When it comes to my healing journey, along the way I have found that there is so much to heal from, and I was starting to look at myself as this never-ending project. I was just a human full of issues and problems that would never be fully solved, so I either had to try harder or give up entirely- that is literally NOT the solution. I can be aware and mindful in my life, and the only way to truly grow and evolve is to keep living and just keep checking back in with yourself. I am not a project that needs consistent tweaking and fixing- I am an evolving human.

As far as the podcast that I’ve started behind the scenes, I find myself completely delaying and avoiding it, because I care a lot about it. I know that I want it to be good, but I also am actively fighting against my perfectionism while recording, because I already decided to not edit ANY of it. I ultimately decided that because I know that I will edit and edit and edit until there is nothing left, when my real intention with this podcast is to be raw and real. I can be raw and real at anytime, so I can truly record at anytime- but I get on the mindset of “all or nothing.”

I’m not pouring all of my effort and trying to make this the best (which also applies to everything in my life) my mind then goes: “well, then I shouldn’t do anything at all”- but that is my anxiety and perfectionism taking over. I know in my heart and soul that the black and white thinking is not how we’re meant to be in this world; it’s truly all gray. We’re allowed to be creative and flexible- in fact, it’s encouraged over being rigid.

I am releasing these rigid thoughts and feelings, and I am tuning into the creative flow of life. I welcome all love, abundance, and happiness to flow into my life, and may I be present enough to feel it all. Thank you, thank you, thank you! ✨

Wednesday Wisdom

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Just thought I’d start the day with some quotes that I have found to be helpful for myself in breaking free from people-pleasing, anxiety and perfectionism!

• You will inspire some and trigger others; both are medicine.

• There’s no reason to be a people-pleaser- people are never pleased.

• Accept people as they are, but place them where they belong.

• Peace that costs you your power isn’t peace- it’s performance. You’re not here to perform.

• Worrying doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles, it just takes away today’s peace.

Why Do I Think I Am Incapable Of Doing Things?

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I recently was going through my OneNote on my computer, and I came across a project of mine from April of last year: the outline for my first season of my podcast. Let me just say this right now: I never started a podcast. I have talked about podcasting for years, and apparently on a random day in April of I wrote an entire outline with episodes and topics to discuss within each episode.

I start looking at the other tabs in my One Note, and in November of 2023 I wrote an outline for my first book. I also have to let you know that I do not have a book. I do have a couple of my poems published in books amongst other poets, but I have not published a book of my own. I also have said I was going to write a book for even more years than I’ve talked about podcasting… yet, here we are.

So this is why I am asking myself the title of this blog post: “Why (the F*CK) do I think I am incapable of doing things?” Also I am curious to know: “Why do I lack the self-worth and/or confidence to put my authentic self out into the world?” For years my excuse was not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings-and honestly, maybe I am still using that today. I don’t want people to think ill of my parents or have other family members judging them- but who am I to think I can control what anyone else thinks or does? If I am speaking the truth and doing so with good intentions, does it even matter what they think anyways? Am I not hurting my own feelings by shoving my dreams away? Does this mean that I am literally still living my life for the comfort of other people over my own? Well f*ck.

Now that I am sitting here, I am wondering…do I really lack the self-worth? Or have I still been seeking approval from the same generation that I am healing from? The whole point of breaking cycles is to do exactly that: break them! If I am trying to heal from people-pleasing and perfectionism, why am I stalling my own dreams to “keep the peace?” Why am I overthinking how or when to share my truth, when all I have to do is be authentic and honest? Until I push past the guilt and pressure I have put on myself and actually pursue these projects I have dreamt about for years, I will remain in the same cycle I am craving to escape.

I now need to take a moment to give myself credit, because it’s not like I haven’t shared some things here on my blog over the past five plus years. I also have been taking actionable steps away from people-pleasing in my life and have noticed the difference in myself. I no longer sign up for things that I don’t want to do, nor do I spend my energy with people who do not reciprocate it. I also just took a massive step out of my comfort zone by taking a hip-hop dance class, and that has already helped me to let go of perfectionism and step into art and expression.

After years of focusing on healing and learning more about myself/my brain, I feel a lot more confident in who I am as a person. I still struggle with self-doubt and sometimes I listen to my fears instead of leaning into faith, but I know I can always come home to myself. I have accomplished so much in my life, and I need to remind myself of that. Coming across my book and podcast projects initially made me frustrated with myself, I am also grateful that I found them, because it has reminded me that I actually am much more capable than I give myself credit for.

Letting Go (1-3-25)

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I am letting go of my worries and anxieties about the future, and instead I am trusting that I can handle anything that comes my way.

I am letting go of the need for perfectionism, and instead I am embracing mistakes and failures, as I know they only allow me to evolve.

I am letting go of shame and embarrassment, and instead I am leaning into self-love and confidence in myself and my uniqueness.

Most Happy (prompt)

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When are you most happy?

When my husband and I are both feeling healthy and we don’t have any set plans for an entire weekend, that makes me happy. I love not feeling rushed or like I’m restricted to any schedule, and I enjoy the peace of it all- even if some find that peace to be boring.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that my nervous system was so dysregulated for so long, and I used to be extremely uncomfortable when it was time to be calm.

I’d never allow myself to relax, I looked at rest as a privilege rather than a necessity, and I just constantly burned myself out with never-ending to-do lists. Now that I have recognized the importance of rest and I have become more regulated, I absolutely love “boring” weekends.

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love connecting and conversing with good friends as well. I find that Face-timing or spending times with friends fills my heart with love and typically boosts my energy-there’s just something about a weekend at home with my life-partner that allows for a full re-charge, and just keeps my heart so full.

yesterday evening

Eggshells (walking through my thoughts)

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I get really reactive when I mess something up. It triggers the perfectionism in me- like I am not allowed to make mistakes, like all of my work was for nothing, like I’m a failure. Sometimes I feel the spiral coming and I just let it. Instead of using my tools or pausing to breathe, sometimes I just let it overtake me.

Am I too tired to use my tools, or am I punishing myself because I feel like I deserve it? I know I’m not too lazy to change and do the work, because I’ve made so much noticeable progress over the years- so is it self-sabotage? Is it just being a fucking human being with an ego? Is it hormones? Did I eat enough today? No.

Today was just annoying in and of itself, I was over all of it. Today feels like a regression, but I am now recognizing as I type this that this is part of the journey to becoming emotionally mature. Paying attention to these things that get me so bothered and actually trying to understand them.

Like I am very aware that I grew up in a reactive household. I also am aware that I had a verbally abusive father who often told me I was a dumbass, and even told me that I’d fail when I moved out on my own and I’d be crying to come back there. So failure just never feels like the option- but who is here to “punish me” when I fail? No one… so I do it. But why? Would I scream at a friend or my husband for making a simple mistake like dropping an eggshell in batter? Absolutely not! But that is 100% what sent me on a spiral this evening.

Granted again, I had a rough day as it is just getting triggered about people and their lack of work ethic, but why does that bother me? Likely, because I have been working for what feels like most of my life and always have put pride into what I do. I have also worked for shitty employers who did not appreciate my work, and I am blessed to say I don’t have that problem anymore- so that’s why I get triggered when I can see good bosses being taken advantage of. However, I can focus on myself and stay in my line and keep doing my job, and that is definitely what is best for myself and my mental health.

Back to the whole thing where I feel like I’m stupid when I fuck up- I am very much aware that I hold myself to insane standards that I don’t expect from anyone else… I just struggle to let it go. I struggle because I feel that my high standards are what got me to where I am today. Moving out at 19, buying a house at 21, working upwards in my career, having a stable relationship- weren’t my high standards for myself the reason I could do all of this?

When I actually think about that… no they aren’t. Me being me and being able to reach out for help and use resources is the reason I’m able to do the things I do. Holding myself to insane expectations only allows me to feel rigid and anxious when things aren’t going right- but failure is just an opportunity to learn and pivot.

Failure is an inevitable thing in life- I hear it in so many self-help podcast interviews with successful people. They always say that failure is basically step one- we all have to fail to be able to learn and grow for the next experience. Today I learned that I will always crack eggs in a separate container before mixing them in batter so it is easier to remove the shell. I wouldn’t have learned that without dropping the shells in.

The best part of all of this stupid eggshell story is that I got the eggshells out of the batter eventually anyways! So I had an entire spiral of negativity for no reason; but also since I believe that everything happens for a reason- I guess this was it. I honestly am proud of myself that I even took time to sit and journal myself out of the triggered state.

I really do want to stop punishing myself and holding myself to such high standards, and now I can refer back to this post where I literally show myself how doing those things aren’t necessary or helpful at all. This one thing won’t fix it all, this will be a repetitive process until I build a strong habit, and I am very much willing to do the work. Guess I’ll start with giving myself grace and celebrating this little win of slowing down and dissecting my thoughts with curiosity.

Toxic Traits: See them, love them, then let them go.

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Today I purposely made no plans and I am very grateful for that. I have been spending a lot of my weekends with friends and I enjoy seeing them and having those connections, but I also am the type to feel very drained afterwards. I have talked about this plenty of times on here, but I am just proud of myself for finding ways to still be able to have these great friendships and maintain my own mental health. I used to feel so anxious and resentful and burnt out because of my own lack of boundaries, and now that I am taking accountability and actual steps to keeping this balance in my life, it feels so much easier.

I understand why people don’t want to self-reflect or do the deeper work, it is very hard to come to terms with the toxic parts of yourself. But if we’re being completely honest, that is the only way to truly learn to love every part of yourself. Now I am not saying it’s good to be toxic or that we should just accept the fact that we are that way and continue to be that way, although technically you are able to do as you please. What I am saying is, you can dig into where those toxic traits come from and get a better understanding of why you behave in certain ways. As you learn about yourself and gain clarity, you can then practice healthier behaviors and create more productive habits, rather than just shaming yourself for having toxic traits and then continuing to live in that toxic cycle.

I know that I used to live in a continuous shame cycle, and it honestly made me feel like I was going crazy. I would “argue with myself” in my head all day, and I would constantly be angry with the way that my brain worked. I was upset that all I had in my head was chaos, yet to everyone outside of my home, I made it seem like everything was together. My worth was wrapped up in my achievements, so I got my apartment with my boyfriend, got that associate’s degree, kept a clean home, and I just made sure it all looked great from the outside. I would let friends vent to me, and I would never tell them what I was going through. To be fair, I did feel that they all had their own struggles to deal with and that I didn’t want to burden them with mine, but sometimes I think it was because I was trying to keep up this act like everything was perfect.

I then grew to become very resentful of the fact that I felt that no one actually cared about what I was going through, and that I had friends venting to me but I didn’t feel I could do the same with them… but was that really ever the case? I likely could have vented to them in the same way, but I always kept everything inside. How were they to suspect anything was wrong when I made it seem like my life was just easy and “perfect.” And to be honest, life has always been good, but when my anxiety and intrusive, ruminating thoughts were out of control, I just felt like that was life, because that was life in my head.

I was blessed enough to have my boyfriend by my side as I went through everything, but because my and my anger were so out of control, and he was the person I was around the most and also felt the most comfortable with, I often ended up taking out my issues on him. I’d snap over small things like the dishes being in the sink instead of the dishwasher, or the fact that that garbage was full. I’d get angry because sometimes I would feel like he didn’t help with chores, but I also never even asked for help. It’s nice to wish that people would just know that you need help, but also everyone is going through their own stuff and also likely not communicating it.

So I’d just snap on him, we’d argue about it, and then I always ended up crying and feeling guilty because I hated how I was behaving and didn’t understand why I couldn’t just communicate like a normal person. This cycle continued until I finally realized that I was pushing away someone who was so being so patient and loving with me, and that I truly didn’t want to continue living like this. I didn’t want to get angry over the smallest inconvenience. I didn’t want to feel constantly drained and burnt out because of me constantly over-extending myself. I didn’t want to keep crying every day or feeling like a rage was always sitting inside of me… so I finally got help.

I am grateful that was the decision I made. Although it has taken a lot of therapy, a lot of different medications, and a lot of time and effort, it has been 100% worth it. If someone told me at age twenty that it would take about seven years for me to feel more regulated and at peace, I probably would have looked at that timeline and decided to just give up right then, but honestly, although it has been a lot of time, it has been the most rewarding work I have done. This is why they say to focus on the step in front of you, not the entire staircase. When we look at how far we have to go, we can cripple ourselves and scare us into staying where we are.

The fact that I can now alleviate my ruminating thoughts within a few minutes is incredible, and honestly is something I didn’t know was possible. The fact that I can communicate my needs and ask for help instead of getting to the point where I am boiling over has been a game-changer for my relationship with my boyfriend, as well as my relationships with friends and family. The fact that I no longer look at myself with hatred or keep myself in a loop of shame/negative self-talk has had such a profound impact on my overall look at myself and at life. I now focus on finding the good and finding reasons to be grateful, rather than letting the negative weigh me down.

I am learning balance and I am taking care of myself, which is helping my to show up more authentically and present in every area of my life. I am so grateful that I was able to get help, and that I have had supportive people in my circle who love and care about me. I believe that people can change, but only if they truly want to. I wanted to change for the better, and I am proud of the work I have done. I am excited to continue learning on this healing journey, and I hope I can help some others along the way.