I didn’t record my podcast episode, and I am giving myself grace about it. I will record soon, and I know this is just my brain getting into survival mode and putting me in a freeze state. I am feeling my way through it and I see exactly where all this fear is stemming from.
As a child my father would often tell me that I had no voice. He’d remind me that I had zero power or control in the home, because I was just the child. Also, being a child of alcoholics, I kept that part of my life a secret from everyone outside of the house (except for a couple close friends as I got older). I was always keeping quiet as a way to be safe, so my brain automatically shut down when I went to start recording my podcast episode.
I am working through this feeling, reminding myself that I am allowed to have a voice. All I have to do is speak the truth and remember my intentions. People will judge regardless, and that is not my business or my problem. I know my intentions and I know who I am- that is all that matters. I am not putting a harsh timeline on this, but I am determined to start recording this year!
I recently was going through my OneNote on my computer, and I came across a project of mine from April of last year: the outline for my first season of my podcast. Let me just say this right now: I never started a podcast. I have talked about podcasting for years, and apparently on a random day in April of I wrote an entire outline with episodes and topics to discuss within each episode.
I start looking at the other tabs in my One Note, and in November of 2023 I wrote an outline for my first book. I also have to let you know that I do not have a book. I do have a couple of my poems published in books amongst other poets, but I have not published a book of my own. I also have said I was going to write a book for even more years than I’ve talked about podcasting… yet, here we are.
So this is why I am asking myself the title of this blog post: “Why (the F*CK) do I think I am incapable of doing things?” Also I am curious to know: “Why do I lack the self-worth and/or confidence to put my authentic self out into the world?” For years my excuse was not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings-and honestly, maybe I am still using that today. I don’t want people to think ill of my parents or have other family members judging them- but who am I to think I can control what anyone else thinks or does? If I am speaking the truth and doing so with good intentions, does it even matter what they think anyways? Am I not hurting my own feelings by shoving my dreams away? Does this mean that I am literally still living my life for the comfort of other people over my own? Well f*ck.
Now that I am sitting here, I am wondering…do I really lack the self-worth? Or have I still been seeking approval from the same generation that I am healing from? The whole point of breaking cycles is to do exactly that: break them! If I am trying to heal from people-pleasing and perfectionism, why am I stalling my own dreams to “keep the peace?” Why am I overthinking how or when to share my truth, when all I have to do is be authentic and honest? Until I push past the guilt and pressure I have put on myself and actually pursue these projects I have dreamt about for years, I will remain in the same cycle I am craving to escape.
I now need to take a moment to give myself credit, because it’s not like I haven’t shared some things here on my blog over the past five plus years. I also have been taking actionable steps away from people-pleasing in my life and have noticed the difference in myself. I no longer sign up for things that I don’t want to do, nor do I spend my energy with people who do not reciprocate it. I also just took a massive step out of my comfort zone by taking a hip-hop dance class, and that has already helped me to let go of perfectionism and step into art and expression.
After years of focusing on healing and learning more about myself/my brain, I feel a lot more confident in who I am as a person. I still struggle with self-doubt and sometimes I listen to my fears instead of leaning into faith, but I know I can always come home to myself. I have accomplished so much in my life, and I need to remind myself of that. Coming across my book and podcast projects initially made me frustrated with myself, I am also grateful that I found them, because it has reminded me that I actually am much more capable than I give myself credit for.
What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?
Journaling/writing has always been an outlet for me, even as a child. It allows me to say what I need to say, without doing so out loud. It allows me to slow down and actually process through my thoughts, rather than letting them run wild in my head.
Breathing is definitely another helpful exercise. When I’m feeling physically anxious and overwhelmed, I breathe in for four seconds, hold for one to two seconds, and then exhale for six to eight seconds. The important part is to exhale longer than the inhale, as this puts your nervous system into a parasympathetic state, allowing you to calm down. Another type of breathing I use is called box breathing, and this is where you inhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds, and then repeat that cycle.
I am fortunate to have good health insurance through my husband’s job, and so I have been able to see a therapist to help me learn about myself and coping mechanisms. It’s nice to be able to talk things out with someone who is truly there to help you find solutions, and also to not judge you during the process. Even if I didn’t have my therapist, it’s nice to have my husband and my friends to talk to. I’m fortunate to have good people in my life, and it’s nice to be able to truly connect with others on that deeper level.
In reality, we all have struggles to deal with in this life. Whether big or small, it can weigh on us, so it is important that we learn how to soothe ourselves in these difficult situations. I feel like growing up, it was normal to see parents shoving away their children’s emotions, telling them to just go away until they aren’t crying or upset anymore… this image now breaks my heart.
I remember struggling with big emotions when I was younger and then especially moving into middle and high school where I had zero clue what to do with my anger and anxiety. I never knew how to pause to stop and breathe; I never knew how to calm my body down when I felt like I was about to implode. Although I did write a lot, the emotions had built up for so long, I felt like they were taking over- unfortunately this did lead to some self-harm when I was a teenager.
I feel like if I had someone who was empathizing with my sensitivities and emotions and helping me to breathe/talk through them, it would have made it a lot easier to get through life. Basically it felt like my emotions were completely disregarded. Unless I was angry or upset, then I was called “dramatic” and basically mocked.
I understand now that my parents were going through their own life struggles, and I know they loved me and were doing their best, but as an only child to functioning alcoholic parents, and I often felt like I was going crazy. They were anxious and controlling, yet also completely out of control. They would shelter me from the world, yet expose me to their loud, drunken slurs. They would make me feel like shit for having big emotions, while they’d erupt in a fit of rage every other night.
I walked around knowing my life at home wasn’t normal, yet I also never told anyone. I was already the kid who smelled like cigarette smoke for elementary and middle school, why would I want anyone to know that my parents also drank every night? Instead I’d just lose myself in being overly observant, so I’d find the flaws in other people’s parents and lives so I could tell myself that mine wasn’t so bad. I think it was actually to manipulate myself into thinking this was normal or okay.
Even now I feel the need to say that I wasn’t hit or beat- most of the abuse was verbal. Physically I was slapped across the face once. My dad also pulled my towel off my head which had my hair all wrapped in it because I “showered too late at night” (mind you, it had to be before 10pm). I also remember him putting me in a headlock because he broke my chain on my necklace and my mom felt bad and bought me a new one. It always scared me when he’d get in my mom’s face, because I never knew if he’d snap further.
There was one night he cornered me in the bathroom. I actually fell into the tub and the entire shower curtain ripped off- I remember staring past my dad at my mom who was behind him in the doorframe and saying “are you going to do something?!?!” She called the cops… it got worse after that. For weeks, maybe even months, he was referring to my mom as a traitor for calling the police. Instead of taking any accountability for the fact that he was so belligerent that we were scared of what he would do, he put all the blame back on her (well, it felt like us to me).
I am realizing this daily prompt here has got me fully journaling again; I guess I needed to release some things! Needless to say, my childhood was a big chaotic and stressful, and at the time I did not have many coping skills, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve dedicated time to learning how to manage my emotions. I don’t want to go through life projecting all of my troubles and traumas onto the people around me. I’d much rather live a present life, focused on the blessings and prioritizing inner peace… so thats what I’m doing!
It’s dark this morning since we just had daylight savings, and this makes me just want to stay home and sleep! I’m not though, I’m heading out to work here soon and I have a nail appointment after work I am looking forward to!
Today will be a great start to the week, and I am excited for the nice weather and for it to be lighter out later!
I’ve been purposely ignoring the news and the internet, and I am aware that is a privilege to be able to just turn it all off. My mental health deteriorates when I constantly focus on negativity and fear-based content, and lately that’s all the news seems to be (at least from what I am hearing from people around me).
People feel the need to watch the news to stay informed and society tells them they’re a bad citizen if they aren’t paying attention, but are we even getting correct information? How can one news channel have such different perspectives and views than the other? Where are just the facts and the resources?
This is why I don’t participate, and instead I am focusing on my own health and well-being. I can’t very well help anyone in this world if my own cup isn’t even full- and that’s a common problem I’m seeing. Everyone is stressed and scared, so they’re on a constant loop of scrolling and watching in the name of “being informed,” but it’s mentally exhausting and crippling everyone from actually being able to use a rational headspace to just pause and think.
Making yourself physically ill from consuming traumatic images and videos constantly is NOT helping the world or society. Scaring yourself into a panic attack or any impulsive decisions is NOT helping the world or society. Society may be pressuring you to consume, but remember who is benefiting from that. Fear sells, but love wins.
We need to pause and regroup back into love and light. Recognize the blessings and come together with compassion and curiosity. Open your mind and hearts to a new and better future, one where humans care for one another and we no longer equate money to power. I’m calling on the universe to show us that love truly does conquer all, and I am leaning into faith over fear.
I took a quick pause from making our lunches for the week to post in here. I’ve been feeling pretty bleh lately, but luckily I am aware that this feeling isn’t going to last forever. Today I’m still doing what I need to do to set myself up for the week, and for that I am proud.
I purposely made zero plans this weekend just to use it as a reset, and it has been exactly that. Yesterday my husband and I went out for a breakfast date and grabbed a few necessities from Walmart, but we spent our Saturday night in hanging out together. This morning we slept in and then went out and grabbed some Starbucks!
Spending time with my husband and just being in our home is such a blessing, and I am grateful for this life of ours. Wishing everyone a happy Sunday filled with blessings and love! 🤍✨
I have been on a social media break since the beginning of December. One of the accounts I really liked on Instagram has an email signup where they send daily affirmations, so I had signed up over a year ago and I continue to get them. Todays affirmation from Moon Omens was as follows:
“I trust that what is meant
for me is on its way. I am in
alignment with my life path.
I embrace the unknown.
I choose love over fear.”
I definitely needed this today, as I have just been in a little funk with this winter season. I also have been dealing with different health conditions like flu, uti and possible tonsillitis. We also had to take one of our cats to the vet yesterday, so today we will get results from her blood and urine. I’ve just been feeling a bit overwhelmed and when I read this I resonated with it. I figured I also can take this and put my own personal twist on it:
I trust that what is meant for me is on its way; I am allowed to release all of my worries and let go of control.
I am in alignment with my life path, even when I am not feeling 100% myself, I can trust this is all happening for me and a higher plan.
I embrace the unknown, and lean in with curiosity. This had me immediately think of another other quote I stumbled upon recently that says “The only true wisdom is knowing you know nothing.” I am allowed to dive into the unknown and let go of the need to appear smart or perfect.
I choose love over fear. I think we’ve all heard the phrase “the only thing to fear is fear itself,” and that is because if you let it, fear can completely take you over. I’d much prefer to live a life where I see through a lens of love and compassion rather than fear and hatred.
I’m using this weekend as a reset. I want to get back in a good headspace and focus on my goals- I am honestly very excited for it. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! Sending extra love and positive vibes to everyone!
If you could un-invent something, what would it be?
When I read this, I definitely want to say smart phones and social media, because I feel that although they were both made for people to stay more “connected,” it actually has made us more disconnected with ourselves and each other.
Smart phones definitely keep us connected when we can call, text and/or facetime friends and family members. We are able to communicate and share photos and videos with each other, but also sometimes we do this when we are in the presence of other people.
How many times have you been out with a friend or a group and suddenly other people are just texting on their phone, or having a full blown conversation with someone else? Don’t get me wrong, there are situations where people need to be checking in or asking for something, but I’m talking about those times where it isn’t necessary and it actually just has you feeling like no one is present in the moment with you.
Social media was also made to stay in touch and see updates of people’s lives, but it has simultaneously created a lot more of comparison culture and this pressure to always post your best moments and memories for the world to see. People are always sharing the highlights and the best parts of life, and it can make people start to think that everyone has to live some extravagant life and be very rich in order to have happiness.
There are people that go into debt to have fancy events just for the social media pictures, or they put name brand bags on their credit cards just to be able to post and make it seem like they live a lavish life. Not to mention all of the emphasis on having the “perfect body” or “perfect face” which leads to the botox and fillers and surgeries that also cost hundreds to thousands of dollars.
And what is all of this for? To look good for other people? To have a better selfie? To feel as pretty as that one influencer looks in her post? Does she even look like that or did she use a filter or face-tune? Do the likes, views and followers actually fulfill your soul? Or are you craving deeper, authentic connections?
I feel like smart phones and social media have become more important to people than genuine conversation and communication. Some people post pictures with “friends” they don’t even like just because the collab gives more views (ex: Mom Tok/ Secret Lives of Mormon Wives). Some people post their “perfect relationship” when there’s actually abuse going on off screen (Gabby Petito, Shannan Watts). I know luckily that is not how everyone uses it, but it’s crazy how quick we are to believe false things, and social media perpetuates that culture.
I also understand the benefit of social media when it comes to business promotion, as it can help push products and business ideas. I also understand there are authentic people on social media as well, but overall I think we’d benefit as a society if social media was never invented. I think with social media, we’d be more connected to ourselves and one another, and I think in general humanity would be more authentic.
I get really reactive when I mess something up. It triggers the perfectionism in me- like I am not allowed to make mistakes, like all of my work was for nothing, like I’m a failure. Sometimes I feel the spiral coming and I just let it. Instead of using my tools or pausing to breathe, sometimes I just let it overtake me.
Am I too tired to use my tools, or am I punishing myself because I feel like I deserve it? I know I’m not too lazy to change and do the work, because I’ve made so much noticeable progress over the years- so is it self-sabotage? Is it just being a fucking human being with an ego? Is it hormones? Did I eat enough today? No.
Today was just annoying in and of itself, I was over all of it. Today feels like a regression, but I am now recognizing as I type this that this is part of the journey to becoming emotionally mature. Paying attention to these things that get me so bothered and actually trying to understand them.
Like I am very aware that I grew up in a reactive household. I also am aware that I had a verbally abusive father who often told me I was a dumbass, and even told me that I’d fail when I moved out on my own and I’d be crying to come back there. So failure just never feels like the option- but who is here to “punish me” when I fail? No one… so I do it. But why? Would I scream at a friend or my husband for making a simple mistake like dropping an eggshell in batter? Absolutely not! But that is 100% what sent me on a spiral this evening.
Granted again, I had a rough day as it is just getting triggered about people and their lack of work ethic, but why does that bother me? Likely, because I have been working for what feels like most of my life and always have put pride into what I do. I have also worked for shitty employers who did not appreciate my work, and I am blessed to say I don’t have that problem anymore- so that’s why I get triggered when I can see good bosses being taken advantage of. However, I can focus on myself and stay in my line and keep doing my job, and that is definitely what is best for myself and my mental health.
Back to the whole thing where I feel like I’m stupid when I fuck up- I am very much aware that I hold myself to insane standards that I don’t expect from anyone else… I just struggle to let it go. I struggle because I feel that my high standards are what got me to where I am today. Moving out at 19, buying a house at 21, working upwards in my career, having a stable relationship- weren’t my high standards for myself the reason I could do all of this?
When I actually think about that… no they aren’t. Me being me and being able to reach out for help and use resources is the reason I’m able to do the things I do. Holding myself to insane expectations only allows me to feel rigid and anxious when things aren’t going right- but failure is just an opportunity to learn and pivot.
Failure is an inevitable thing in life- I hear it in so many self-help podcast interviews with successful people. They always say that failure is basically step one- we all have to fail to be able to learn and grow for the next experience. Today I learned that I will always crack eggs in a separate container before mixing them in batter so it is easier to remove the shell. I wouldn’t have learned that without dropping the shells in.
The best part of all of this stupid eggshell story is that I got the eggshells out of the batter eventually anyways! So I had an entire spiral of negativity for no reason; but also since I believe that everything happens for a reason- I guess this was it. I honestly am proud of myself that I even took time to sit and journal myself out of the triggered state.
I really do want to stop punishing myself and holding myself to such high standards, and now I can refer back to this post where I literally show myself how doing those things aren’t necessary or helpful at all. This one thing won’t fix it all, this will be a repetitive process until I build a strong habit, and I am very much willing to do the work. Guess I’ll start with giving myself grace and celebrating this little win of slowing down and dissecting my thoughts with curiosity.
I decided to take December off of social media, so I deleted Instagram off of my phone. I already had Facebook deleted as I barely go on there, but I did go on once I had our wedding photos and that’s when I found myself back in a cycle of constantly checking on my posts.
Yesterday my phone widget told me that the full moon was arriving today, so I had decided to re-download Instagram for the purpose of going to a specific astrology Instagram page I follow (Sisters Village- I know I’ve mentioned them before) for the full moons tasks/prompts. Luckily it was easy to just go on and get off- literally I just logged in, got my screenshots of her page, and re-deleted the app.
Below is the checklist she posted for the full moon, and as you’ll see, I was already checking #2 off the list! I love when things like this happen, because it feels like a sign that I am in alignment. I’ve been trying to be very mindful and present these past few weeks, and I have been feeling good mentally, and I want to keep up with this especially during this winter season.
Ironically enough, when I went to screenshot her post, I had just finished cleaning the bathroom, which included decluttering the linen closet and getting rid of old towels. I recently had decluttered our kitchen and downstairs closet as well, and honestly it feels so good to just get rid of things that we don’t use. So now I just have to work on bullet points 3 and 4!
I did recently get to connect with my family in Iowa since I took a trip out there last weekend to see Wicked with my Grandma! I’ve been kind of connecting more with myself than with friends though, but it is purposeful for this short period of time. I take a while to recharge and get back in tune with myself, and since this entire year was so busy with friends and family with the whole wedding happening, I’m really enjoying this quiet time with just myself and my husband.
I do want to connect with friends soon, and I have plans these next couple weekends to have fun, creative times with friends, but until then I’m gonna enjoy this weekend of peace and reconnecting with myself during this full moon. Below are the prompts that also came from that Instagram page, incase anyone else wants to join in with this time of reconnecting. Sending love to everyone this Sunday!
From Dark to Light 