You can find meaning and magic in every interaction if you want to.
Grief is a wild, strong emotion- but that only means the love was strong.
Where focus goes, energy flows. Be mindful of the energy you’re calling in.
We’re all ignorant to things and we’re meant to be. No human is meant to know everything.
When you’re feeling intense or extreme in your emotions, it can be hard to try to find the medium- this is when you need to pause and get into your body. Shake. Scream. Dance. Cry. Pause.
What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?
I hope my blog makes people feel seen and heard, whether they see themselves in my writing or it inspires them to start their own blog/journal. I hope it gives people who are struggling with mental health hope and happiness, because I am definitely not the same person I was when I started this blog 5+ years ago. It’s normal for us all to have struggles on our journeys, but what’s important is we keep coming home to ourselves, and I hope my blog helps to remind people of that.
Today was such an incredible day. My family from Iowa came out to visit and take me and my husband out for my birthday. They also blessed us with a very generous gift, and I’m beyond grateful for them. I feel just so grateful and lucky honestly, and I am just happy to be present to it all.
My husband and I also went over to visit his family at the farmer’s market! They have a barbecue business and they’re a vendor at the market every Friday, so we decided to stop by and say hi! When we were leaving the market, another vendor selling cute jewelry caught my eye, and I ended up getting a cute evil eye bracelet, ring, and a pair of snake earrings! It was 3 for $30 and I just happened to have $30 cash in my wallet!
Tomorrow I get to see some of my good friends as we all get together to celebrate my birthday!! We’re gonna go to the local fair and I can’t wait to get a funnel cake as my birthday cake! I’m not a huge cake fan, but I loooveee me some funnel cake so honestly I’m so excited for this! I’m also just excited to see all the people who make me happy and feel loved- it’s just the best feeling.
I also get to take a mini girls trip early next week to go see Glass Animals in concert and I am looking forward to that as well! I’m just feeling so blessed and happy to be living this life. I’ve healed enough that I am actually able to feel the love around me and truly be happy, and I am so grateful for that.
Goodbye to my 20s
I accomplished so much in this past decade
My husband & I bought our home together
We grew in our careers
We got married
I went through a whirlwind of a mental health journey, and I’m still forever learning and evolving (as we all are)
I feel like so much abundance is on the horizon
Like I’m shedding these layers of programming
My inner critic is shrinking
My inner child is happy and growing
My inner compass is aligned
My inner knowing is strong
I always had the strength – I survived through everything in the last 3 decades
I survived when I was too young to know how to- my brain / amygdala knew how to though
I lived a lot of my life in survival mode, and within the last couple years I have finally been able to feel present- I’ve cried tears of joy over just being.
Just being.
And it’s crazy to think that maybe that’s the them of 30s… just being.
No pressure.
No people pleasing.
No perfectionism.
Just authenticity and honesty.
Just being.
My husband and I are on our way home after a fun day playing on a huge water obstacle course! Yesterday my husband suggested that we do something fun, and after looking online for a while, we decided on this! It was a much fun, but boy was it hella exercise LOL! I know we are gonna feel it tomorrow.
I’m so glad we went- not only because it was a fun date day, but also because I need to be prioritizing joy in this season of my life. I noticed yesterday after we booked it, and even this morning that I was having anxiety about it and feeling uneasy. I knew it was mainly because it’s not anything I’ve ever done before, but I still feel like part of me always tried to self-sabotage whenever I am doing something for myself.
The good news is that I noticed it early on today, and my husband was also very aware and making sure to check in on me and reassure me. I always feel bad that I tend to make our good days start out poorly just with my anxiety and control issues. I always feel like everything has to go perfectly, but my rigidness is worse than things just going awry on their own. I know this, and I know I need to give my perfectionist part of me love rather than shame.
Dear little perfectionist with me, you are allowed to relax. I know you had to make sure that all things were thought through, and I know that control makes you feel safe; the truth is that nothing is ever perfect, and you have not only survived all of those imperfect moments in your life- you thrived. No matter how much you overthink and over plan, all will happen exactly as it should, and you’ll always be able to handle it. You don’t have to be so uptight and rigid, in fact, you deserve rest and joy more than you know- I pray you open up to receive it.
I’ve been struggling a bit lately, and as wild as it may sound, I feel like mercury retrograde has something to do with it. When mercury is in retrograde, the past is brought back up. Whether it’s people from old relationships showing up, old wounds being reactivated, or really anything that is making you feel like “I’ve been here before,” the past is making its way back.
The ideal way to handle mercury retrograde (in my opinion) is to now handle these situations with more wisdom and patience than you had before. In a sense, we want to be able to navigate these circumstances from a higher awareness- a Higher Self. If we’re constantly distracting ourselves from feeling and dealing with these issues, then they will continue to repeat in different areas of our lives.
This time around, I’ve been in a bit of a shame spiral. I’ve been eating horribly lately, and I am actively not doing anything about it. I am thinking about food in an unhealthy way again, yet I don’t even feel worthy of changing to live a heather lifestyle. I feel like I actively sabotage any goal I have for myself (i.e. eating healthy, starting a podcast, writing a book), and I can’t tell if it’s just because I am a lazy POS or I genuinely don’t think I deserve anything of these things.
I have not been giving myself grace lately, and I know that I’m in a bad headspace when I am having such rigid, black and white thinking. I am very “all or nothing” right now, leaning heavy into the nothing part of it. I know that I still have issues with self trust, which stems from growing up in an alcoholic home, but it’s just annoying that I am literally avoiding the things that I could do to build self trust, because I’m scared of becoming obsessive or letting my perfectionism take over.
I had a little conversation with ChatGPT today, which actually kind of helped me just feel more validated in how I have been feeling. I asked it: “How do adult children of alcoholics who grew up as only children of alcoholics learn self worth and self trust?” and it really helped lay out some tools and steps for what to practice. I then ended up asking it: “What if the adult child feels that whenever they do start a routine or working towards self trust that they become obsessed and they fall into perfectionism?” and this is what came up:
I honestly didn’t even have this ah-ha moment until now- my black and white was never really “me”- it was a response to growing up in that extreme environment. It did feel like it was either good/bad or safe/dangerous often, and I also didn’t have any sibling to validate my feelings with- I internalized it all. I live with this in me, but it does not have to define me. I am always healing, and the more I understand how my brain operates, the more grace I give myself which makes room for more love and growth.
Deep down I know these heavy feelings I have right now are temporary and I will feel better again; I do feel it is important for me to actually pay attention to what’s coming up and try to feel and heal through it all. I am enough exactly as I am. We’re all complex humans with different life experiences, and we all could use a little more grace. We’re all here on earth for the first time (that we know of), and we’re all just trying to navigate our way through this chaotic, unpredictable life. Sometimes we’re in survival mode, other times we’re living and thriving, but regardless, we’re always evolving.
Time to check in and count some blessings. Life’s been feeling heavy lately, and I am ready to release this energy and allow good vibes to flow. I know there is so much beauty beyond the pain when we are present enough to see it.
I am grateful for my husband- I’m blessed to have someone in my life who is such a supportive, caring person; truly my rock. I feel like I have a teammate in this lifetime, and I am so happy to see our evolution throughout the years. He makes me feel beautiful every day, and I just feel so lucky to have him in my life.
I am grateful that we both have our jobs. We’re blessed to have jobs that allow us to live our life comfortably, and we’re blessed to not hate our jobs as well. I’m very grateful to be at my current job, and honestly I can’t see myself leaving unless I actually get to be a stay at home mom one day. My husband has climbed up through departments at his job over the last ten years, and I’m just so proud of all of his growth.
I’m grateful for our home. We everything we could ever need in our home. From food and clean water, to appliances and electricity- we’re blessed to have access to all of these things and to be able to afford them.
I’m grateful for my genuine friends. I am blessed to have friends who truly love and support me for who I am. I have friends who don’t see me as competition or anything other than a loved one, and that’s how I see them as well. We all just want to see each other thriving and happy.
I am grateful for sunshine and nature. Sitting in the grass and just being still while soaking up the sun has been a way for me to ground myself and kind of let go. I’ve done this a few times during my current grieving, and I will say it feels good to just sit in it all. Being in nature just reminds me of how small we all are in this world, and how blessed we are to just be here.
More than honorable mentions: my cats, iced coffee, music, my car, slippers, yoga pants, my comfy bed, shampoo, youtube… there are truly so many things I could list, and for that I am also grateful. I live an incredible, abundant life, and although it feels heavy and dark at times, I know how lucky I am, and I know how important it is to check in and count our blessings.
Do you remember life before the internet?
I don’t really remember life before the internet considering my parents got a computer when I was seven years old. Actually, I was apparently gifted this computer on my birthday by my dad’s cousin, but my dad lied and said it was for him and that he’d let me play games on it.
I did get to play games and use Word Paint LOL, but ultimately I don’t remember a lot of my childhood so I can’t say I remember life before the internet. I will say that I’m sure my dad was a lot more present as a parent without the computer, because a lot of my childhood that I do remember, he was sitting there in front of the computer screen.
It reminds me of how I use my phone now. I don’t have children currently, but I’ve always been mindful to the fact that when I have children, I don’t want them to feel like I’m always on my phone. I honestly think I’d just get off social media completely once I have a child, mainly because I also don’t want my future child(ren) on social media.
I am someone who uses the internet a lot. Most of us have to use it in some way for our jobs, we’re connected to it on our phones, we use it to order things of Amazon or groceries- it kind of seems like a basic necessity in our current society. However, I do feel that somehow the more “connected” we are online and/or to our devices, the less we are actually connecting with one another. We’re trading genuine conversations for likes and views from people on the internet.
Have you ever had an experience where you are out with family or friends and someone or some people start scrolling on their phones or start texting? Has that happened when you were directly talking with them? I understand we all have to be able to have our phones to check incase of emergencies, to be in contact with family/friends/babysitters etc- but to be interrupted from a genuine conversation for a random snapchat or an IG notification?
In that moment, in real life, that feels like a loss of connection. Another example that can feel like a disconnection: finding out important news about your close family and friends on social media, instead of from them directly. I value my friendships and I personally would rather talk to my friend in person and share a celebratory moment with them privately than to post to random strangers internet about something near and dear to my heart.
Maybe I’m old school, but I kind of feel like I would have enjoyed life before the internet. I’ll be 30 in July, so most of my life really did involve being on the internet. I feel like I’m definitely dependent on it now, but I also know that humans have lived without the internet for centuries, and they all survived. In fact, they probably thrived with less mental health issues and more genuine connections! LOL
Happy New Moon!! 🙌🏼
This new moon, I’m setting the intention of being less in the mindset of “all or nothing.” This comes into play a lot in my life whenever I am trying to reach a new goal or start a new project, and I know it stems from the perfectionism. This mindset has hurt me in the past when it comes to dieting, as well as healing and even starting my podcast.
When I was doing the Ketogenic diet to lose weight years ago, I was all the way in. I ate all the protein I needed, I made sure to never go over 20 net carbs a day, and when I did, I punished myself for it. I’d mentally beat the shit out of myself for going over as if that would change my entire progress. Even if it did, which it did not, I never deserved to treat myself the way I did. That was way more unhealthy than if I had eaten 20 more carbs!
When it comes to my healing journey, along the way I have found that there is so much to heal from, and I was starting to look at myself as this never-ending project. I was just a human full of issues and problems that would never be fully solved, so I either had to try harder or give up entirely- that is literally NOT the solution. I can be aware and mindful in my life, and the only way to truly grow and evolve is to keep living and just keep checking back in with yourself. I am not a project that needs consistent tweaking and fixing- I am an evolving human.
As far as the podcast that I’ve started behind the scenes, I find myself completely delaying and avoiding it, because I care a lot about it. I know that I want it to be good, but I also am actively fighting against my perfectionism while recording, because I already decided to not edit ANY of it. I ultimately decided that because I know that I will edit and edit and edit until there is nothing left, when my real intention with this podcast is to be raw and real. I can be raw and real at anytime, so I can truly record at anytime- but I get on the mindset of “all or nothing.”
I’m not pouring all of my effort and trying to make this the best (which also applies to everything in my life) my mind then goes: “well, then I shouldn’t do anything at all”- but that is my anxiety and perfectionism taking over. I know in my heart and soul that the black and white thinking is not how we’re meant to be in this world; it’s truly all gray. We’re allowed to be creative and flexible- in fact, it’s encouraged over being rigid.
I am releasing these rigid thoughts and feelings, and I am tuning into the creative flow of life. I welcome all love, abundance, and happiness to flow into my life, and may I be present enough to feel it all. Thank you, thank you, thank you! ✨
The energy of today was chaotic as f*ck if you ask me. Work was wild, it felt like emotions were at an all time high, and I’m PMS-ing on top of it which doesn’t help. A couple of my friends I talked to today also felt this wild ass energy today, so I’m just trying to frame it positively like we are all about to level up by remembering where we need to set our boundaries and enforce them. I am not going to continue to let other people mess up my mood or how I am feeling about my day. How other people act is not my problem or my responsibility, I am only responsible for my own reactions and responses. Can you tell I’ve been reading “The Let Them Theory” by Mel Robbins? LOL!
Honestly though, this “Let Them” thing is harder than it sounds, but I am glad that this is on the forefront of my mind right now. I have definitely let other people’s lack of care and competence at work bother me, but literally it is not my problem. I am good at what I do, and I am not responsible for anyone else’s job or work ethic- I am only responsible for my own. I love the owners I work for, I love what I do even if it is stressful some days (I mean it’s fighting against insurance companies… so it’s just going going to be stressful somedays LOL) and I can be proud of my own work and focus on all of the positive aspects of my job.
It is important to feel and release the frustration from the day, but I can also choose to do that in a positive way. Instead of dwelling on the negative and continuing to talk about it, I can choose to do an activity to help ground me and bring me back to center. Sometimes that is dancing around my house, other times it is writing in my journal or here on my blog, and sometimes it is singing my heart out in the shower- all of these things are enjoyable to me, and they allow me release the tension from the day.
I definitely gave away a lot of my energy today. I got caught up being upset about things that are beyond my control, and I know that going forward, I do not want to waste my time on negative people or situations. I sometimes get mad at myself for caring too much when it feels like other people don’t care at all, but at the same time, I love that I care. I love that I am someone who takes pride in their work and work ethic. The reason I was able to move out and buy a home when I did is because: 1. I have an incredible husband who has been my rock through the entire journey and 2. I have always worked hard at every job I had, working towards promotions, being recognized for my skills/work ethic, and I am proud of myself for that. I do not need to waste time on negativity when there are so many blessings around me. I am grateful for this life I live, and I have worked hard to get here.
With that being said, thank you Universe and Angels for protecting me and helping me stay grounded in my own peaceful energy. Thank you for the fact that my husband and I can afford our bills, have access to food and water, have working vehicles and good jobs. Thank you for watching over us and supporting our love, and thank you for this beautiful life. I am so thankful to be at a place in my life where I am not in a constant state of anxiety, and I refuse to allow irrelevant things to knock me off my path to my higher self. I love the fact that I am a sensitive soul who cares, and in reality, I appreciate ever soul I meet. I say that, because no matter what the interaction is, I know I am learning from everyone that I cross paths with, and I with that knowledge I can only evolve.
From Dark to Light 