Focus on the joy, and seek more of it.
See through a lens of love, and accept more of it.
Speak with honesty and kindness, and practice discernment.
Give time and effort to what fuels me and my future, and release the habits that are holding me back.
Be present.
Be mindful.
Be intentional.
Just be.
I’ve been enjoying all of the love that is surrounding me. From the love within these walls that is shared with my fiancé, to the love exchanged in fun facetime calls with friends, to the love that extends beyond miles and reaches family in far places. I have been so blessed to have such great support, and it’s something I am trying to be present to and truly appreciate in the moment.
I have been constantly making lemon ginger immunity shots for a few weeks now, as well as putting together lunches for work and fruit jars as healthy snacks. I’ve been slacking when it comes to movement and getting in a good routine with that, but I’m about to have a schedule that is super consistent and I want to plan workouts around then. Even if it’s just starting with 3x a week, I know this is something that my body will thank me for and my future self will as well.
I am feeling another social media detox coming up, and I know that I need it. I remember how great I felt actually taking time to do the things I wanted and feeling like I had more free time and I deserve to have that again. I waste so much time scrolling and I don’t want to keep abandoning my goals and dreams; I am the only one who is standing in my way.
I am excited for this upcoming break and for my time to myself. I am focusing on spending time and energy on things that truly make me feel fulfilled, and I feel so grateful to have so many good people in my life that I can have great conversations with. I am enjoying this chapter of my life, and I am so excited to see what blessings are to come this year!
Our energy is a form of currency, and it’s important to spend it intentionally. As a recovering people-pleaser, I felt out of touch and out of control of my own energy for years. I was so focused on shoving down my true feelings in order to keep other people comfortable and to avoid any conflict or confrontation. I carried shame around my emotions; I never felt like I was allowed to express my feelings, and I definitely wasn’t taught how to do so in a healthy way.
As I grew older, I noticed resentment building inside. I was feeling so angry about everything because I felt like my life wasn’t mine. I was so focused on other people and how they were able to live their lives for themselves, and I lost myself and my own wants and needs along the way. I was spending all my time and energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than focusing myself, and it completely drained me.
I had to start coming back into my body and paying attention to how I felt around certain people and situations. I had to start being honest with myself about what I actually wanted to spend time doing and what I was doing just to “keep the peace.” Instead of saying “yes” right away out of some feeling of obligation, I started saying “let me think about it” to give myself time to sit and listen to how my mind and body truly feel before committing to anything.
Coming back to myself has been a long journey, and I continue to fall into the ego and find old habits trying to creep back in, but now I am more aware of myself and what I need to do to protect my own energy. sometimes it’s just being selective with who I spend time with, other times it’s taking a break from people in general to recharge, and sometimes it’s talking to the universe/God/source. regardless of how it’s done, it is done with intention. ✨
I know I have mentioned Mel Robbins on this blog before, as she is one of my favorite podcast hosts/authors/self-help influencers. Mel recently released a podcast episode titled: “How To Make 2024 The Best Year: 6 Questions To Ask Yourself.” I am finishing up listening to it now, and although Mel and her team are amazing and have even made a free downloadable workbook to work through, I still wanted to just answer the questions she asks here on my blog. When I started listened to the episode I was driving, so I wasn’t able to write down the questions or really think about my answers, so I plan to do that here.
Before I do, here is the link to the episode: https://www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-131
Here is the link to the free workbook to go along with the episode: https://www.melrobbins.com/bestyear
According to what Mel has been saying on this episode, the workbook is more extensive than just answering each question, as she helps people truly dive deep into each one and helps guide you along the way. Mel and her family answer these questions with her family every single year, and she recommends having your phone by you to be able to look through your camera roll and calendar to truly see how these past 12 months went. The questions are as follows: What were the highlights of your year? What were the hardest aspects of this past yet? What did you learn about yourself over the past 12 months? What are the things you want to stop doing and not bring into 2024? What do you want to continue doing? What do you want to start doing?
As I am writing these down I am getting excited to actually sit down and do a deep reflection on these past 12 months. Before I do the true deep dive with the workbook and extra prompts/guidance, let’s see how much I can get from just simply answering these. I have my phone with me, so let’s roll!
1. What were the highlights of your year?
Without even looking at my phone, our engagement comes to mind as the top highlight of 2023! My love asked me to marry him and it’s crazy to think that before the end of 2024, I will be able to call him my husband! We also celebrated 12 years together this year and finally got to eat at this nice super club that we had tried to go to before. This was also the year that I became a published author! I have two different poems of mine published in books, and this leads me into another highlight memory when my aunt and grandmother brought copies of the books to our annual girl’s retreat and asked me to sign them. It’s great to know I have family that supports me, along with my friends. I also was invited to be on a podcast that a mutual friend started earlier in the year, and I felt so happy doing the episode! Scrolling through my camera roll I see videos of me rollerblading at my friend’s birthday party back in February, which was the first time I had done that in several years. This even inspired me to have my own birthday party start at the roller rink later on in the year. My 28th birthday party was definitely a highlight from this year; it was so fun to be able to rollerblade with everyone and then end the night at our place just enjoying some drinks and food! Before my birthday I was blessed with the time to be able to travel to MN to meet up with one of my best friends for a Bryce Vine concert, and we even got to go to the mall of America! Which of course this reminds me that I also got to see Masego in concert this year which was a huge highlight! Standing up on the VIP floor with a private bar and good friends was truly an unforgettable experience. From celebrating birthdays with karaoke, to game nights where I actually won poker, to family trips and long overdue baby showers, this year has been full of celebrations and good company. I also recently accepted a new job offer and put in my notice at the place I have been at for the last two years, and I am looking forward to new beginnings!
2. What were the hardest aspects of this past yet?
I’d say one of the hardest aspects was navigating emotions and trying not to take on other people’s stress. I’ve had close friends go through terrible loss and it’s hard when I cannot take away their pain and I feel like I don’t know how to support them. Another hard aspect is feeling like I cannot stay consistent with health or wellness goals. I have been trying to be observant without judging myself, which I feel I have been, but I am still not working out or cooking as consistently as I’d want. I go through phases but it doesn’t stick so that gets discouraging. I also had immense back pain several times that prevented me from being able to bend over and I could barely walk. I had to miss work because of it, I was going to the chiropractor, then immediate care, and then ending with physical therapy. This year got another ultrasound as I thought I had a cyst or endometriosis, but I am happy to report all was normal! One of the worst parts of this year was when I witnessed a horrific accident involving the death of someone’s dog; that was something that shook me for a little bit. I was also honestly upset that Angus Cloud passed away this year, even though I obviously didn’t know him personally, I loved his character on Euphoria.
3. What did you learn about yourself over the past 12 months?
I’ve learned that I am much happier when I am being intentional and focusing on gratitude. I learned that I still struggle with how to let go of other people’s problems, but I am getting better with my communication. I still avoid conflict and times and avoid speaking up, but I am learning and growing. I learned that I am more confident than I used to think, and my empathy and observant behavior can be honed and used for good. I learned that it is always better to trust your gut and stay quiet about certain things with certain people, as not everyone has the best intentions or wishes for you. I learned that how people talk to you/treat you has a lot more to do with them than it does with you- it’s best not to take anything personal or make assumptions. I’ve learned that it’s best to stay out of gossip and drama if you want a more stress-free life. I’ve learned to trust my gut about certain feelings, because it turns out that I know more than I think. I also learned that I do have a relationship with the universe that thrives the more effort I put in, and it gives a sense of peace.
4. What are the things you want to stop doing and not bring into 2024?
Doubting myself. Talking myself out of trying things. Participating in low-vibe conversations: gossip, drama, etc. Putting off my dreams and losing site of my priorities. Caring about what other people think and keeping quiet about things I am passionate about. Dimming my light. Feeling guilty for choosing me. Downplaying my own traumas. I want to stop eating so much fast food and inflammatory foods.
5. What do you want to continue doing?
Looking at life through a lens of love and positivity. Looking for how to learn from situations and hard times, rather than letting them consume me. Focusing on being present, taking social media breaks (I loved the one I took this year), and seeking joy. I want to continue blogging and journaling. I want to continue strengthening my faith in the universe and letting go of what no longer serves me.
6. What do you want to start doing?
I want to start consistently working out and cooking. I want to start my podcast and continue working on my book, but in a consistent way. I want to start saying yes to new things that interest me. I want to go rollerblading more. I want to have a good routine that allows me to truly dive into my self care and leaves me feeling fresh and fulfilled. I want to practice self-discipline and I want to only do nice things for people who treat me with respect. I want to live intentionally every single day, and enjoy the life that I have. I want to let go of any shame or guilt that resides within me, and let it be free, so that I can be free as well. I want to live my best life.
Wow, after going through all of those questions I feel like I’ve learned so much. I still want to go through the workbook as well so I will plan to do that before the end of the year! In the meantime, I am ready to relax and enjoy this time off with my fiancé. I am excited to close the chapter on this current job and move onto bigger and better things. I am ready to get a routine in place and finally start focusing on my health and my happiness. 2023 allowed me to slow down, observe and reflect on who I really am; 2024 is the year that I reclaim my power and completely immerse myself in it – for the good of all. Thank you<3
It’s back for work for me today after a three-day weekend. I am happy that I was able to sleep well and I am feeling a lot better than I did yesterday, so I’m trying to keep that positivity going today.
Today at work I am going to focus on getting my tasks done and getting ahead since I have an appointment to go to in the morning tomorrow. I am grateful we are able to wear our headphones at work again so I will be listening to some positive podcasts and learning while I work.
The intention for today is staying grateful and positive, and not letting other people’s stress or worries interfere with my own happy day! I am in control of my own emotions, and I am choosing to make it a great day.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Tuesday!
Take what’s for you, leave what isn’t.
I don’t need what doesn’t need me.
What goes around always comes back around.
Intentions matter.
Finding comfort in the chaos will help you go far; change is the only thing promised in life.
Let it go, let it flow, and you will glow.
No need to worry about things that you literally have zero control over. Worrying only takes away from the peace of the moment, and you deserve peace.
Protected. Guided. Aligned.
Love is always the answer. We don’t have all of the answers, but if we have love, that’s all that matters.
What triggers you is what inspires you. Anger comes from passion- what are you passionate about? What brings that anger out of you? Feeling unheard? Unseen? Feeling as if someone is being selfish? Closed-mindedness? Dishonesty? You are passionate about expression, about selflessness, openness, and authenticity!
Grey days are great days for resting, recharging, releasing. Nothing is black and white, it’s all grey. (LOL I just realized I’m also wearing all grey)
Connected, not attached- nothing is permanent, therefore nothing is worth losing your peace over.
The new moon is upon us, and according to the fun astrology Instagram accounts I follow, it is time to turn inward and release blocks that are stopping me from my dreams. I know there is still deeper healing to do, and I maybe have been avoiding it, but I know that this will be beneficial for my in the long run. I am a sensitive person and I feel emotions very deeply; my mom and aunt always said growing up that we are “Empaths,” for those who believe in those sort of things. I am learning to embrace the idea of being sensitive and having heightened emotions/feelings, while also trying to overcome a childhood where I was shamed for being these things.
A lot of the chaos and internal battles likely stem from the confusing messages that I received as a child. As my brain was developing along with my self-esteem, I had one parent who was trying to be encouraging and empathetic towards certain feelings, and I had another one who would tell me I was “dramatic” or I was always “overreacting” to certain situations. It definitely didn’t help that I was quite sheltered and felt overly-monitored, but also I was being controlled by adults who seemed to be out of control.
I know that all parents are doing their best with what they know, and I know that my parents love me dearly and felt they were doing everything they needed in order to keep me safe. I do appreciate the fact that I had two-parents in the home, and although they both worked, they were also home most of the rest of the time, so I did have time with them. Unfortunately, I don’t have many childhood memories (likely due to hypervigilance) and currently in my life I can tell I am still holding onto some anger and resentment, which is likely causing some of my blocks.
I feel angry for the younger part of me that didn’t feel protected, while also being over-protected. She felt like the emotional punching bag for her father, that is whenever he decided to participate in the family. At age seven, the family got a computer, and it felt like she lost her dad at that point. If he wasn’t sleeping or at work, he was sitting in front of the screen. Looking back now, I know that my mother was doing the same thing, but with the television. Part of the difference was that her and I could at least talk and bond over some shows, while it felt like my father drifted further away from any bonding. It felt like he only wanted to participate in conversation when it had to do with judging my life or my choices, or giving criticism to how I handled my emotions.
Looking at this now, I know it is because both of my parents had no clue how to handle or deal with their own big emotions in a healthy way, so they had no clue how to model or teach me something they didn’t even know. Although my younger, sensitive self would have appreciated some gentle parenting or emotional support, I know that I can give that to myself now. I can validate my own emotions, and I can admire that I feel emotions very fully and deeply. The fact that I can listen to and step into how someone may feel in their own situation is a gift, as I can empathize with and validate how they may feel, and it also allows for a deeper human connection.
Many people just want to feel seen and heard and understood, or at least have someone be open to listen to their perspective…I would love to be able to give that to others, and I know now that is because that I what I needed as a child. I want to put forth effort to acknowledge and show compassion to my own emotions, as that is what I need and deserve. Honestly, I get sad when I think about that I cannot express certain things or feelings to family and those who should be closest to me, but at the same time, it was never really their validation or support that I needed… I needed my own. Maybe I did need certain emotional support as a child, and I can take that information into my future life as a parent (hopefully), but for now it is important that I heal my own wounds and issues so that I am less likely to pass them to the next generation.
I know another block I have has to deal with attention. I find myself judging certain posts that people make online and literally see it as “they are just looking for attention,” and even if that is the case, why does it matter? This was something that was drilled into my head as a kid: attention-seeking is bad. Although I can 100% see how it can be bad, especially for those with low self-esteem or unstable mental health, it also can be something beneficial. The fact that Jay Shetty and Mel Robbins have captured the attention of millions is incredible! They encourage self-help/self-improvement and they help by looking at the science behind certain habits and ideas! People may have judged them or shamed them for the videos and posts they made, and if they had listened to them then we may not have their best-selling books or their podcast episodes… but instead they knew their intentions and listened to their intuitions.
I know that being an adult child of alcoholics, being quiet and “off the radar” was something I was basically trained to do. Daily drinking would be a concern to certain school counselors or teachers, or really any other adults around me…if that secret had gotten out, my parents could have been in trouble. If the police had seen the relatively fresh cuts on my arms after someone called them to our apartment, I would have been removed and my parents would be questioned. When I look back at things now, I feel like I can understand why I wasn’t allowed to do certain things, and it really had nothing to do with me. My guess is I couldn’t have sleepovers, because if I needed a parent to come and get me, they wouldn’t be able to since they were drunk every night. It could also be the fact that I would see how other families lived and operated that was more healthy or functional than what I had been living in. I’m sure they also didn’t want me to have attention drawn to me in any way, as depending on what that attention was for, it could lead back to my parents and their behavior.
I also don’t really know if I would get answers to these questions, as it is hard to approach most topics with my parents. My mom feels forever guilty about my childhood, my relationship with my dad is definitely estranged, although I doubt he even sees it that way. They are still together too which makes it difficult for me as I still sometimes feel a bit of guilt when I am making plans with one parent and not the other. My dad always made me feel guilty for the relationship with my mom, saying we were “ganging up on him,” and he felt like I hated him…yet he doesn’t seem to understand why I felt the way I did. Even after all of the mental work and reflection I have done, I honestly don’t even think any conversation would go well because I am sure my reality would be denied as it always was. It’s hard because they could really not remember due to the amount of alcohol consumed, or they also could be in denial-either way this will not result in any sort of productive conversation.
This is something that clearly still brings some anger, and I am still working to release this block of needing my parents validation. The truth is I never really needed it, again, I just needed my own. Now that I am an adult and am capable of listening to my own thoughts and intuition, I know that I am a good person, and my sensitivity is a gift. Me being open to sharing my story and how I came out of crippling anxiety is something I feel the need to do. There are many ACA/ACOA’s in the world, and we have many blocks and issues that we need to work through, and as we do, we are able to take back our own lives. It may look to some like I am seeking out the attention and validation that I didn’t get as a child, but I know my intentions and my own validation is the only validation I need. I feel proud of the work I have done, and I know that others who have similar struggles can also do this work and feel satisfied and full in their own lives. Although I have plenty of work to still do, I am happy with where I am, and I am looking forward to the journey.
Human beings are complex and are not meant to be labeled and put in boxes. People seem to love putting other people in this boxes and then getting mad when they don’t fit in them. Having conversation and asking questions about another person’s life or experience would help to deepen connection and release the need for labels and boxes. Not everything is black and white, mostly everything lies within the shades of grey.
I struggle with keeping myself in my own box. How can I be someone who is uncomfortable with attention, yet wants to start a podcast and connect with people all over the world? How can I be someone who prefers to spread love and kindness, yet has such judgmental thoughts at times? The same way that someone who is generally kind to others can be in a bad mood sometimes. The same way that those healthy fitness influencers enjoy a sweet treat every so often. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with being contradicting, in fact it is quite normal. For me personally, I think that what matters is that you are always true to the values you hold. But do most people even know what their values are?
I value privacy, especially with anything I find to be intimate. I don’t think there are certain things that are meant to be shared with just anyone and everyone; with that being said, I also truly believe that everyone knows what is best for themselves and what makes them happy, so I don’t think it is “bad” or “wrong” for others to share things with the world that I normally wouldn’t. I struggle with when it is okay to share these opinions, mainly when I am faced with someone sharing how happy it makes them. I am allowed to share how I feel, but it is appropriate if it could offend them? In reality, if the intention is just to be authentic and share how I feel, as a true friend would want me to be, then it isn’t inappropriate to do. I’d never want someone to feel shamed for what they do, so I guess I just fear that stating my own opinion could make them feel upset.
But also, if I am not sharing my true response and I am keeping it inside, is that not just hurting myself and telling myself that my opinion doesn’t matter? Honestly, is it even not hurting them because I am hiding a part of me (my opinion) to make me appear agreeable and likeable? If I share my opinion, I have to remember the intention behind it. If it is to express my own feelings and/or stand up for myself or my belief, then that is worth it. My goal is to be more authentic in all of my relationships, and in any and all content I create in my future. It starts with speaking up for myself and learning how to handle these conversations with different types of people. I can only learn by starting, and truly starting to connect to myself and my intuition.
If I could easily stand up for my friends or family in any situation, why is it to hard to do for myself? Does part of me still feel like I don’t deserve that? Is it because I felt like I never had that? I felt alone in my home at a young age. My emotions were too much, but that is what was modeled to me. I had no one to back me up, and I didn’t feel like anyone was on my side. I had no power or control; I understand that in general, kids don’t need power or control in their household, but when the role models didn’t seem to be in control after 5pm, someone needed to be.
That young girl needed someone to stand up for her, but she was too scared and to shameful to tell anyone who could help. That young girl still lives within me, and she needs to know that today we can stand up for ourselves. Today, we can speak our mind and do so freely without anyone telling us that we can’t. The truth is the truth, and the intention is to heal, but also to help others to see that life can get better and you get to choose your own path in life. It starts with choosing my own path, and choosing myself every step of the way.
On a quick break and that calls for some gratitude! Feel free to list what you’re grateful for today in the comments 🙂 Let’s make the rest of the day a good one!
1- I am grateful for my health. It is a blessing to be able to walk, eat, talk, use the restroom, and complete daily tasks without the need of assistance.
2- I am grateful for my boyfriend/our relationship. I’m blessed to have a life partner who is hard-working, respectful, caring, and overall an incredible person to be around. I feel so safe and loved, and I’m happy we have great communication skills and have continued to grow together throughout the years.
3- I am grateful for our home. I am blessed to have a roof over my head and have everything I could ever need within the walls. Clean running water, heat/AC, appliances, a bed… truly we are so lucky to have all of these things and they’re easy to take for granted.
4- I am grateful for my job. I am lucky to have a job that allows me to pay my bills and live life as I’d like. I am happy to have insurance and PTO, and I am also so grateful to not work weekends!
5- I am grateful for books and podcasts! It’s so amazing to me when people can take their ideas and thoughts and organize them in such a way that leaves an incredible impact. I love when I read something or hear something that just blows my mind and changes my whole perspective on things. Also the fact that people write/podcast to help others is truly beautiful!
I have to get back to work, but I just wanted to take a few minutes to check in and remind myself how great life is! Hope everyone has a great day!
I woke up this morning feeling pretty rested and relieved when I remembered it is Saturday. Having Thanksgiving off and then working in the office on Friday kind of threw me off a bit, but I’m definitely glad it’s the weekend and I am grateful not to work retail. That being said, make sure you’re being kind to all of the people who are working during the holidays! And while you’re at it, be kind after the holidays are over as well!
I still find it so crazy how the brain focuses so easily on the negative, yet not the positive. I am working hard focusing on gratitude and changing my perspective to a more positive frame of mind, but as a human I also know that we should feel through our emotions and not ignore them. It’s definitely a balance, and it’s always a struggle during this wonderful time or the month, but I owe it to myself to continue working on my healing and mental health journey.
What I have been struggling with the most is letting go. As of this morning, I feel the best I have about a recent situation that has been bothering me, which makes me feel happy. I need to re-read The Four Agreements, and in the meantime I need to practice those four principles: be impeccable with my word, don’t make assumptions, don’t take anything personally, and do my best.
Truly what anyone thinks about me doesn’t matter, because I know what I think of me. Although I have times where I talk myself into feeling bad about myself, I also know that I am a human who is ever-evolving and changing. It’s okay to let go of those who no longer serve your growth and journey, or even just having some distance. It’s definitely hard when you have love for someone, yet now you can see red flags and it’s impossible to unsee.
I understand two things can be true at once: someone can be jealous of you and proud of you, but what if the jealousy outweighs the love? It’s not their fault as they have their own insecurities, but at the same time, they’re the only one who can work through those feelings. It is not my job to fix anyone, it is my job to heal myself and work on being the person I want to be in life. It is important to meet people where they are, and at the same time, sometimes it’s okay to leave them there.
I have to remember that I will not always please everybody, and I will hurt people and their feelings in setting boundaries. It is not in my control how others react or live their lives, but how I live mine and how I act is in my control. I no longer wish to interact with those who aren’t truly happy for me, and although I will continue to be nice, I will be putting myself first, because I deserve it.
finding light in the dark 