healing

Sunday 8/18

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I feel like I haven’t really sat down to write an actual long blog post in a while. I guess I could go back and look, and maybe this just feels different because I am writing this on my laptop, rather than my phone. Regardless, I am just happy to write and happy with this season of my life. I feel so supported by loved ones around me, and it has been such a beautiful year. It is crazy to think that in just 6 weeks, I will be marrying the love of my life!

Whenever I visualize seeing him at the end of the aisle and up at the alter, I cannot help but feel so warm and full of pure joy. We have been building this foundation for many years- I mean, we’re getting married on our 13th anniversary! I feel so grateful to have such a loving, respectful man as my life partner. I have been seeing so many signs that feel like direct support from the divine, and I am so thankful for all of the love we have received from friends and family.

This year also has felt very transformative for me and for my relationships. I have been able to overcome fears and have difficult conversations that have only strengthened the connections. Me hiding my true feelings or staying quiet when I feel uncomfortable was not good for anyone. I always thought it was better to keep the peace and not try to question anyone’s opinions or actions when I was confused or felt differently, but that was creating inauthenticity within the friendship.

I feel that if you truly want a healthy relationship with another person, whether platonic or romantic, you have to be honest with yourself and each other. For me, leaning into authenticity is one of the best ways to do this. Saying what you need to say with love and good intentions, even if it means feelings could come up, is better than holding in all of your true thoughts and basically pretending to be okay with everything. Any relationship you lose from being authentic isn’t a loss; we deserve to be surrounded with people who love us for who we are.

For years I made sure everyone around me always felt at ease or as comfortable as possible, putting their own needs before my own, and now I vow to live a life where I take into account my own comfort level. I am allowed to speak up when uncomfortable. I am allowed to say “no” when my normal reaction would be to say “yes” out of obligation. I owe it to myself and to my inner child to trust my own instincts and to set boundaries where needed. I am an empathetic person, but I recently read a quote that said: “empathy without boundaries is self-sabotage.”

Honestly, I am feeling quite excited for what the future holds, and I am eager to continue leaning into authenticity and be proud of who I am, as I am. The more I pay attention to my emotions and my triggers, the more I learn about myself and what I need and what aids in my inner peace. Knowing what I need allows me to do those things for myself, but also communicate with loved ones when I need to set certain boundaries. I am the one who is guaranteed to be with me until my soul leaves this Earth, and I deserve to give myself peace and love during this lifetime.

Sunday July 28, 2024

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I have been feeling so present in my life lately, which has also been making me cry a lot LOL. I have been really in my feelings about the wedding, and I find myself visualizing us just beaming at each other at the alter and the tears just start flowing. I’ve dreamt of marrying this man for so many years, and it’s finally coming to fruition. We’re just over two months away from the special day, and I’m just soaking in this lovely time.

I also am about to go on a girls trip with a couple of my close friends from high school! We are seeing the gorgeous, witchy rap goddess herself: Qveen Herby!!! I am so stoked to see her live. I just discovered her music a couple of years ago and I just love listening to an independent artist who shares her healing transformation through her art. She’s not ashamed of who she was or is, she is just filling embracing her truest self; I feel like this concert is going to have the most immaculate energy. We’re also celebrating my birthday on this trip; I’m so excited to start off my last year in my 20s with my best friends!!

Aside from all of the upcoming events, I also recently had a great breakdown/breakthrough within myself and with another close friend of mine. Without going too much into detail, there was an event that triggered me that I could not ignore, and because I had ignored many other triggers throughout the years of our relationship, all of those memories came flooding through. Although the start of the interaction wasn’t how I exactly planned, I am positive that it was all supposed to happen this way, and I am glad that it did.

We were able to sit down in person, not once, but twice for a couple of difficult conversations. We are both people who grew up without seeing healthy conflict resolution, so we both were super anxious going into these discussions, even with our significant others joining us. There were heated moments, but no one got disrespectful or rude, which was honestly relieving and appreciated. I always have to think of worst case scenarios, so I was pleasantly surprised when this all ended on high notes.

Overall, now I feel I can have clear, authentic communication with my friend, when in reality I didn’t always feel that way before. As I’ve talked about many times in this blog, I am a recovering people-pleaser, and with that I have had to realize how much of a disservice I have been giving my friendships by not being open and honest when I’m feeling bothered by something. I swept things under the rug because it felt easier than facing conflict, especially when my mind always goes to the worst possible case scenario- but this only harmed myself and my friendships.

They had no clue I was bothered, I built up resentment that I could easily push away, but in reality we will end up getting triggered again and then all of the things we “pushed away,” just resurface. Until we address and resolve our issues, the cycles will continue to repeat. This time around, I did not want that to continue. No matter how difficult a conversation may be, I have to stay true to myself. I deserve to feel authentic and comfortable in my life and my relationships, so it’s up to me to be honest with myself and with those I love.

I am feeling so good this season. Astrologically it makes sense considering it is now Leo season and your girl here is a Leo herself! Leo sun, and rising here, and I am finally leaning into my confidence and my authenticity. I am so proud of myself for all of the work I’ve been doing for my mental health, and I am excited to see how much I grow over this next year. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 🤍✨

How Would I Describe Myself to Someone?

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How would you describe yourself to someone?

I’m a complex human woman who feels everything very deeply: the pains and the joys all hit my brain, body and heart intensely.

I’m someone who craves genuine connection and gets overjoyed by the smallest synchronicities in life; yet I’m also someone who craves alone time, just chilling in my home in the presence of my fiancé and my cats.

I’m someone who cares deeply and is always rooting for everyone to be well-loved and happy. I want the best for everyone, including myself.

I’m a sensitive person with a variety of opinions that I cannot attach myself to as I am aware that we are ever evolving. I am someone who feels that living with an open mind and being empathetic is what humanity truly needs.

I laugh a lot. I cry a lot, luckily lately it has been tears of joy. I love the idea of healing and growing into the person I’ve always needed, and supporting others on their own journeys.

Full Moon Post

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I am so proud of myself for having hard conversations and speaking up even when it was uncomfortable. I am proud of putting my healing and goals ahead of my feelings, and actually stepping into my authentic self. I am proud of how dedicated I have been to the things I care most about: my relationship with my life partner, and my mental health. I can trust myself to follow through, and I can trust that I can get through anything. I choose faith over fear and I prioritize peace and love.

This full moon, I release any negative thoughts and self doubt that is limiting me from reaching my goals. I release the fears and worries that reside in my mind, as they were never mind to hold onto. I release the need for approval and for perfection, as I have had everything I’ve needed within me all along. I release what is no longer serving me or my authentic self, and I step into the person I am meant to be.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you 🌕✨

Choose Wisely

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What is sacred anymore?

What is intimate?

What is worth keeping in private?

Where is the discernment?

Does anyone keep anything to themselves anymore? To their closest loved ones?

Does anyone value having anything that is theirs, and only theirs?

Does every envious and evil eye have the right to see your most precious moments?

Does every judgmental person deserve your energy and attention?

Does everyone in your digital friends list meet the requirements to actually be a part of your life? To come into your home? To watch your kids?

Does every horny individual on your feed deserve to see your naked body? To look at you as an object? To assume you did this all for them?

Are the views and the likes worth it? The followers and possibility of going viral?

Does the external validation go far? Could you give yourself that validation without getting it from someone else?

Would you still like your posts if it was only for you and your loved ones? Would you be proud of your children doing and posting the same content?

In the worlds of real life and “reel” life, are you living in your values in both? Are you the same person both on and offline?

Everything in life is temporary, yet the content we post to the internet remains forever. It has become to normal to share every aspect of our lives online to both people we know and complete strangers… but just because something is normal, doesn’t mean it’s good.

In an age of being so “connected” through apps and technology, we are so far disconnected from ourselves.

We’ve become addicted to external validation to feed our unhealed wounds of unworthiness.

We’ve become addicted to the dopamine rush when we get a lot of views or engagement.

We’ve become addicted to our screens and “connecting” with others, while ignoring the real world around us.

And we can run around and say it isn’t our fault and blame everyone else, but it’s our responsibility now. We know now.

So sit with yourself, and ask:

What do you value most in this life? Are you living in your values?

What are you grateful for? Have you thought about how many blessings are around you on a daily basis?

What habits are you wishing to let go of? What habits have you been wanting to develop?

What do you do when you’re avoiding something else? Is this beneficial to you in anyway? Is this something you wish to continue?

We all get a little lost sometimes, but the important part is that we come back home to ourselves over and over again.

None of us get out of here alive. We deserve to live lives that we are proud of. We deserve lives that we will be grateful to look back on when we’re lying peacefully on our deathbeds.

You are in charge of you.

You get to decide who has access to your mind, to your body, and to your soul.

You get one life to live, and you are the one who chooses who and what you give your energy to.

Choose wisely.

Harmony=Letting Go

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What could you let go of, for the sake of harmony?

I’d let go of my initial judgements towards the lives and opinions I don’t understand. I’d let go of the stereotypical beliefs that were passed onto me from previous generations and i healed caregivers. Instead, I’d lean in with curiosity and empathy, as that is where connection is born and resolutions can be found. This is something I am working on, and likely will be for my entire life considering humans come with egos- but we also come with souls.

Friday Feels

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Today I’m off while my fiancé is at work. I’m using today to take care of my car, the groceries, and ending the afternoon with a nail appointment. Maybe I’ll finally get over my anxiety about birds swooping at me and I’ll actually take a walk in the park!

I have definitely been avoiding walks since the cicadas were all over the place, which then made the birds fly crazy all over the place… but I miss my me time just connecting with myself and nature. I know I need to get my body moving again and soak up some sunshine. I did spend a little time laying in the sun on my balcony yesterday which was much needed.

It’s so crazy to think that my fiancé and I will be husband and wife in just under three months! I’m looking forward to relaxing on our vacation together, saying our “I do’s,” and just enjoying pure, present time together away from work and regular life. We haven’t had a vacation in so long, and I just know we’re gonna have the best time.

I’ve been feeling so grateful and just going with the flow of life. Letting everything happen, making observations without attaching any feelings, and just being thankful for the genuine love around me and in my life. It’s incredible to look back and see how much both I and my fiancé have evolved over time, and that only brings me more confidence and assurance as we transition into marriage life together.

The more I move through life, the more I recognize just how important it is to follow your gut and to forget about the unavoidable, irrelevant opinions. You know you better than anyone else, which is why it is so important that we all reconnect and come home to ourselves. Constant distractions and comparisons just keep us from our own intuition, so take time to remove them and sit in the stillness with yourself.

Sit with yourself and your feelings.

Count your blessings.

Release the worries that you truly have no control over.

Be here, in the now.

Be love. Send love.

Tired, Happy, Present

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Yesterday my fiancé and I had our joint bach/engagement party with our friends! We went go-karting and had some friends back to the house after for some drinks and yummy mini bundt cakes! Everyone who couldn’t make it had told me to take pictures and have fun, and I definitely only did one of those things!

I only got a couple photos at the racetrack, and none had me in it LOL, but I’m happy with how everything turned out. My fiancé won first place, which I honestly expected with how much racing he does in VR and with set up he has in his office. I did not place overall which was expected LOL but I had a such a fun time and I am definitely sore as hell this morning.

Part of me wishes I got more photos, but the rest of me is so happy that I was just immersed in the experience and in the conversations with all of our friends there. It was nice to see everyone and just have some laughs and good food! I am so happy we were able to organize this event for us and our friends to celebrate before we get married in October!

To My Younger Self (6•23•24)

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Hey little girl,
How are you doing today?
Did you have a good day at school?
Did you go outside and play?

I hope you had your time to escape
From the anger and chaos within the walls
Of the apartment on that second floor
Where dingy carpet lines the eerily long halls

You often weren’t aware of how bad it was
Not in the younger years that is
Because you watched all your friends in their own struggles
You were more worried about her pain and his

You were good at removing yourself from the suffering
You were always able to see the good and humor in things
Sometimes that humor could be looked at as dark
But it helped get through the bitter words and stings

You were so observant and smart
Too grown up for your young age
You could sense when things were off
Even when they tried to keep you in your cage

You knew that life wasn’t normal
Even if it seemed better than others you saw
You started your plans on how you would free yourself
And looking back at your diligence, I admire in awe

You got to work as soon as you could
Working multiple jobs and saving away
You knew the environment you grew up in
Was not where you were destined to stay

You planned and you prayed 
Staying both focused and hopeful
You trusted your gut when others had doubt
And along the way, you found someone very special

A partner, a lover; someone who loved you for you
You both fell so hard and so fast
You knew deep in your heart, that he was the one
And even at such a young age, you knew it would last

You have always followed your intuition
You listened to the knowing within your soul
I am so proud and happy for you, sweet child
For you both took on and released control

You knew what was within your power
You are the reason I am here today, happy and healing
You did everything you could to build your ideal life
One full of peaceful, lovely feelings

You are so strong and resilient
Even today, you reside within my heart and bones
Together, we get to live our favorite lives
And we get to create a happy, healthy home

Thank you for your empathetic nature
Thank you for your strength and determination
Thank you for your playfulness and sensitivities
Thank you for your love and admiration

Thank you for your open mind
Thank you for your appreciation of the little things
Thank you for showing me the beautiful parts of life
Thank you for showing me what trusting myself brings