healing journey

Happy Moon Day / Monday

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To say I am feeling refreshed would be an understatement. As much as my body is tired and moving slowly today, my heart and my mind feel so full. This weekend one of my best friends from high school flew in town and we had a fun-filled girls’ weekend! On Friday we visited our other high school best friend at her workplace and enjoyed delicious wine. They were hosting a new local food truck called WaffaDilla which was absolutely fantastic! Literally think waffles and quesadillas…. it was heavenly. They had a variety of mouthwatering sauces like zesty ranchero and spinach artichoke; not to mention their signature corn relish?! UGH so good! I am nowhere near a foodie blog, but they deserved the shoutout.

On Saturday I enjoyed a very special day with my closest friends and my mom as I went wedding dress shopping for the first time! When we first got there and I was looking through the showroom, I started feeling slightly overwhelmed and honestly disappointed at what options I was seeing. Everything was so glitz and glam and just overall too big and ballroom like which was not what I envisioned. Luckily we realized there were way more options in a different section and the shopping began! As I had quite a few options picked out I started feeling less overwhelmed and I let the excitement set in.

I was there with my favorite people (minus my fiancé), and I was trying on dresses for my freaking wedding day!!! One of my friends took so many photos for me on my phone and truly captured how I felt about every dress I tried on, and after trying on six different dresses, I said yes to the very first one I tried on!!! Mind you, I had favorited about nine or ten dresses before getting to the shop, and this one was not even on my list. The way that it made me feel and how it literally made every single one of us tear up, it was such an easy decision. I found the perfect veil to match and somehow got the best deal in the world and spent less than $250 total!! I feel so beyond grateful right now, and I am also just so happy that I am feeling so present in all of this.

After making that exciting purchase, me and my high school besties enjoyed a girls night out with good food, dancing, and too many shots LOL. I will say we started the evening very classy with yummy martinis in a quiet cafe bar, and it was fun to transition into the loud bars with dance floors after that. At bar close my fiancé came to pick us up, and we went home to enjoy some pizza rolls and our leftover fries and tots. Well, two out of three of us did LOL! One of us had a little bit too much fun and had to spend some time in the bathroom, but nothing we all haven’t experienced before! I was honestly surprised I didn’t throw up, but I think I saved myself by ordering water at the end when my girls were ordering more seltzers. Overall it was a fun, successful girls night full of honesty and great vibes!

Sunday we took it easy and enjoyed a yummy breakfast out at my favorite place (you know, where the love of my life asked me to marry him), and then went to see the Bob Marley movie! Honestly, it was very good and it tugged my heartstrings nearly the whole way through. Ziggy Marley, Bob’s son, is shown before the movie stating that he was there nearly every day for filming to make sure the story was portrayed as accurately as possible, which was appreciated. After crying for two hours we just chilled the rest of the day and went out for dinner later on. She is currently on her flight home and I am just taking it easy and relaxing before getting back to work tomorrow. I wanted to sit and write about this because it is the weekends like these that will be the memories I look back on when I think about wedding planning and really just looking back at 2024.

Today is a full moon and a lunar eclipse, which is fun for witchy people like myself. According to some spiritual Instagram page (just keeping it real LOL) it says this about lunar eclipses: “Bringing final endings. Emotions are high. They make us aware of the passage of time and make us sentimental. Memories and dreams come up to the surface.” I have definitely been more emotional lately, but it also is that time of month so that definitely doesn’t help. I’ve had lots of rage, and then lots of tears, both of sadness and of happiness.

Full moons are also looked at as competed cycles and as a time to reflect and celebrate the wins and the growth we’ve experience recently. I have been so proud of how I have been communicating and being more present and aware during conversations. I have been very aware of my emotions and allowing myself to feel them and just be, rather than controlling or shaming. I have been great about adding healthier foods to my diet and still taking my ginger shots and vitamins. When it is nice out, I get outside for walks and enjoy the sunshine. I have been working on being more in tune with myself and my body, and I am excited to keep moving forward on this journey. I am so thankful for this beautiful life I live. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Early Sunday Thoughts from my Bed

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As I lie here half asleep in my comfortable, warm bed, I can’t help but feel content. I remember the days where the second my eyes were open, I was immediately up working on household chores or school work or some other task that probably didn’t actually need to be done; I wouldn’t allow myself to rest. I’d always tell myself “I just have to get it all done now so I can relax later,” but later never came. I’d just add more and more tasks, none of which contained any rest or self care.

I used to feel chronically guilty and shameful when I’d rest or spend any time (or money) on myself. I felt shame around resting because it felt like laziness. I felt shame around spending money on myself because it felt like a waste- like whatever I had just purchased was stupid or completely unnecessary. If something unexpected came up and we needed money, I’d immediately think of how much I spent on myself and feel guilty and like everything was my fault. I always felt like everything was my fault.

I now live a life where I have unlearned some unhealthy patterns and I have released such shameful, guilty feelings for the most part. As a human, sometimes I will get triggered again, but it’s easier to acknowledge and give myself grace as I am aware of where these issues stem from. I feel so blessed to be able to just lay in bed next to the love of my life and relax for hours and not feel an ounce of guilt. Tasks will get done, life will go on, and it’s important to think about which memories are the ones I’ll want to bask in when I’m an old lady.

I’ll never regret cuddles with my fiancé or with my cats. I won’t regret the iced coffees or trips to cute downtown areas. I won’t regret the times I spent writing or being creative. I won’t regret taking the time to count my blessings. I won’t regret nice phone calls with friends. I won’t regret the fact that I decided to focus on my mental health and my own well-being, as it has allowed me to be more present in my life and truly soak in the love that surrounds me. More importantly, it allows me give that love to myself.

New Moon Intentions

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Focus on the joy, and seek more of it.

See through a lens of love, and accept more of it.

Speak with honesty and kindness, and practice discernment.

Give time and effort to what fuels me and my future, and release the habits that are holding me back.

Be present.

Be mindful.

Be intentional.

Just be.

I cry

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I cry when I listen to people who are brave enough to release their truth- being completely vulnerable and open in front of such a chaotic, loud world.

I cry when I hear someone talking about the progress they’ve made and celebrating their successes.

I cry when I hear about devastating loss, and when I think about the strength that each human has to be able to continue through life after such tragedy.

I cry when I listen to people talk about true, pure love and when I can see it beaming from their eyes- seeing the wave of emotion take over and wash away all fears.

I cry when I feel, which is often. I used to hate crying but now I love it. It’s a release, but it’s also a reminder of how deeply we can connect to ourselves and each other.

My heart is full

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I had such a wonderful weekend hanging out with great people and just having fun! On saturday I celebrated one of my best friends’ birthdays and we went roller blading and then made cute cocktails and played a hilarious game back at her place. Today I hung out with one of my other best friends and we had a successful shopping day after enjoying some delicious coffee and matcha early this afternoon!

Now I get to relax and spend time with the love of my life before I get some rest. I am looking forward to this week ahead, focusing more on my health and taking another social media break. I am excited to get focused again and see how much I can do! I am so grateful for this life and for all of the people in it. I am looking forward to a great week ahead!

Sunday Night Thoughts

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I’ve been enjoying all of the love that is surrounding me. From the love within these walls that is shared with my fiancé, to the love exchanged in fun facetime calls with friends, to the love that extends beyond miles and reaches family in far places. I have been so blessed to have such great support, and it’s something I am trying to be present to and truly appreciate in the moment.

I have been constantly making lemon ginger immunity shots for a few weeks now, as well as putting together lunches for work and fruit jars as healthy snacks. I’ve been slacking when it comes to movement and getting in a good routine with that, but I’m about to have a schedule that is super consistent and I want to plan workouts around then. Even if it’s just starting with 3x a week, I know this is something that my body will thank me for and my future self will as well.

I am feeling another social media detox coming up, and I know that I need it. I remember how great I felt actually taking time to do the things I wanted and feeling like I had more free time and I deserve to have that again. I waste so much time scrolling and I don’t want to keep abandoning my goals and dreams; I am the only one who is standing in my way.

I am excited for this upcoming break and for my time to myself. I am focusing on spending time and energy on things that truly make me feel fulfilled, and I feel so grateful to have so many good people in my life that I can have great conversations with. I am enjoying this chapter of my life, and I am so excited to see what blessings are to come this year!

Protect Your Energy

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Our energy is a form of currency, and it’s important to spend it intentionally. As a recovering people-pleaser, I felt out of touch and out of control of my own energy for years. I was so focused on shoving down my true feelings in order to keep other people comfortable and to avoid any conflict or confrontation. I carried shame around my emotions; I never felt like I was allowed to express my feelings, and I definitely wasn’t taught how to do so in a healthy way.

As I grew older, I noticed resentment building inside. I was feeling so angry about everything because I felt like my life wasn’t mine. I was so focused on other people and how they were able to live their lives for themselves, and I lost myself and my own wants and needs along the way. I was spending all my time and energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than focusing myself, and it completely drained me.

I had to start coming back into my body and paying attention to how I felt around certain people and situations. I had to start being honest with myself about what I actually wanted to spend time doing and what I was doing just to “keep the peace.” Instead of saying “yes” right away out of some feeling of obligation, I started saying “let me think about it” to give myself time to sit and listen to how my mind and body truly feel before committing to anything.

Coming back to myself has been a long journey, and I continue to fall into the ego and find old habits trying to creep back in, but now I am more aware of myself and what I need to do to protect my own energy. sometimes it’s just being selective with who I spend time with, other times it’s taking a break from people in general to recharge, and sometimes it’s talking to the universe/God/source. regardless of how it’s done, it is done with intention. ✨

Wednesday Wisdom

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Just like that, January is over! if you didn’t start a new resolution or you fell out of the one you had, DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT! you’re a human, you are unlearning years worth of habits, and things take time! give yourself the same grace and love that you give to your best friends, and step into your power 💕✨

Authenticity Only

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I was a people-pleaser for too long, and this year I am actively working against it. I have ignored red flags and disrespectful behavior all in the name of “keeping the peace.” I was keeping quiet to keep others happy. I was agreeing when I didn’t, just to avoid conflict/confrontation. I never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings, but in reality I still did, because I have been lying. People-pleasing is manipulative; going along with things or saying “yes” when you actually mean “no” is just presenting yourself in a false light. I have been doing this my entire life- avoiding conflict, keeping quiet, and making sure everyone else is comfortable while sitting in my own discomfort. I’m done.

I deserve peace and comfort. I deserve friends who love the real me, and who are real with me. I deserve honesty and to unleash my true feelings, and in reality, anyone you lose from being honest and setting your boundaries is not a loss, it is a blessing. This makes more room for your true friends and support system to come in, and there is no reason to hold onto people who aren’t truly happy for you or manipulate you out of your own boundaries. Now, it is 100% on you to enforce your boundaries, but also it is important to watch who is actively pushing against them and take proper action.

What bothers me or makes me uncomfortable is valid, I will no longer let my mind manipulate me into settling for less than what I deserve. What is mine is mine and I am not required to share everything with anyone; I value my privacy. I deserve to speak my mind and I refuse to build up any resentment or hard feelings when I can just have a conversation. Like Glennon Doyle’s podcast says: “We can do hard things.” I am doing this hard thing this year, because I know it is necessary and will free me in so many ways.

Morning Gratitude

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This morning I want to just lay in bed and sleep, but instead of hitting snooze I am still laying here but decided to start the day here with some good vibes and gratitude.

-I am so grateful I get to wake up next to the love of my life every morning, as it makes me feel safe, loved, and comforted.

-I am grateful to be waking up in a warm, cozy bed that is so comfortable it makes it hard to want to get out of it.

-I am grateful that I have a job where I am appreciated, I enjoy what I do, and I still have freedom to listen to headphones and work at my pace.

-I am grateful to still have both of my parents in my life, even if it may be a bit estranged with my dad, I am still blessed to have contact with both of them and I am happy I have a good relationship with my mother.

-I am grateful for this blog, as it was easy to start, it’s easy for me to post from my phone or laptop, and it’s a nice outlet for me, and also a way to inspire others.

-I am grateful to have supportive, loving friends in my life who are truly rooting for me and want the best for me. I am happy I have friends I can be my full self around.

-I am grateful to have heat in our home, as well as the AC during the summer. We are blessed that we can afford and have these luxuries.

-I am grateful for car, as she is sleek and beautiful but also very reliable and safe. I am happy we can both afford nice cars.

Overall there are so many things in this lifetime to be grateful for, and sometimes it’s important to just take a moment and think about it. Whenever I am feeling lost or overwhelmed, I have found that when I turn to the mindset of gratitude, it makes a big difference. It’s not always an easy task when emotions are running high, but like anything, it’ll just get easier with time and practice. Your life has a lot of beauty in it, take a moment to think about it.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Monday and week ahead.