I went through a whirlwind of a mental health journey, and I’m still forever learning and evolving (as we all are)
I feel like so much abundance is on the horizon
Like I’m shedding these layers of programming
My inner critic is shrinking
My inner child is happy and growing
My inner compass is aligned
My inner knowing is strong
I always had the strength – I survived through everything in the last 3 decades
I survived when I was too young to know how to- my brain / amygdala knew how to though
I lived a lot of my life in survival mode, and within the last couple years I have finally been able to feel present- I’ve cried tears of joy over just being.
Just being.
And it’s crazy to think that maybe that’s the them of 30s… just being.
I’ve been struggling a bit lately, and as wild as it may sound, I feel like mercury retrograde has something to do with it. When mercury is in retrograde, the past is brought back up. Whether it’s people from old relationships showing up, old wounds being reactivated, or really anything that is making you feel like “I’ve been here before,” the past is making its way back.
The ideal way to handle mercury retrograde (in my opinion) is to now handle these situations with more wisdom and patience than you had before. In a sense, we want to be able to navigate these circumstances from a higher awareness- a Higher Self. If we’re constantly distracting ourselves from feeling and dealing with these issues, then they will continue to repeat in different areas of our lives.
This time around, I’ve been in a bit of a shame spiral. I’ve been eating horribly lately, and I am actively not doing anything about it. I am thinking about food in an unhealthy way again, yet I don’t even feel worthy of changing to live a heather lifestyle. I feel like I actively sabotage any goal I have for myself (i.e. eating healthy, starting a podcast, writing a book), and I can’t tell if it’s just because I am a lazy POS or I genuinely don’t think I deserve anything of these things.
I have not been giving myself grace lately, and I know that I’m in a bad headspace when I am having such rigid, black and white thinking. I am very “all or nothing” right now, leaning heavy into the nothing part of it. I know that I still have issues with self trust, which stems from growing up in an alcoholic home, but it’s just annoying that I am literally avoiding the things that I could do to build self trust, because I’m scared of becoming obsessive or letting my perfectionism take over.
I had a little conversation with ChatGPT today, which actually kind of helped me just feel more validated in how I have been feeling. I asked it: “How do adult children of alcoholics who grew up as only children of alcoholics learn self worth and self trust?” and it really helped lay out some tools and steps for what to practice. I then ended up asking it: “What if the adult child feels that whenever they do start a routine or working towards self trust that they become obsessed and they fall into perfectionism?” and this is what came up:
I honestly didn’t even have this ah-ha moment until now- my black and white was never really “me”- it was a response to growing up in that extreme environment. It did feel like it was either good/bad or safe/dangerous often, and I also didn’t have any sibling to validate my feelings with- I internalized it all. I live with this in me, but it does not have to define me. I am always healing, and the more I understand how my brain operates, the more grace I give myself which makes room for more love and growth.
Deep down I know these heavy feelings I have right now are temporary and I will feel better again; I do feel it is important for me to actually pay attention to what’s coming up and try to feel and heal through it all. I am enough exactly as I am. We’re all complex humans with different life experiences, and we all could use a little more grace. We’re all here on earth for the first time (that we know of), and we’re all just trying to navigate our way through this chaotic, unpredictable life. Sometimes we’re in survival mode, other times we’re living and thriving, but regardless, we’re always evolving.
I saw this post that said something along the lines of “start thinking of people as energy, you’ll spend your time wiser.” There’s just no point in spending time with energy vampires, all they do is suck the light out of you.
High school never ends until you decide it does. No matter where you work or where you further your education, you’ll have people around you who still want to spread lies and drama as a form of their own entertainment. It is up to you if you’re going to feed into that energy.
Gratitude is a magical thing. I find that I am so much more present and happy when I practice daily gratitude.
Success and being “rich” looks different to everyone- get specific with yourself about your dream life. What does it look like?
Love is always the answer, and I believe that no amount of material items could replace the feeling of genuine love and connection.
Time to check in and count some blessings. Life’s been feeling heavy lately, and I am ready to release this energy and allow good vibes to flow. I know there is so much beauty beyond the pain when we are present enough to see it.
I am grateful for my husband- I’m blessed to have someone in my life who is such a supportive, caring person; truly my rock. I feel like I have a teammate in this lifetime, and I am so happy to see our evolution throughout the years. He makes me feel beautiful every day, and I just feel so lucky to have him in my life.
I am grateful that we both have our jobs. We’re blessed to have jobs that allow us to live our life comfortably, and we’re blessed to not hate our jobs as well. I’m very grateful to be at my current job, and honestly I can’t see myself leaving unless I actually get to be a stay at home mom one day. My husband has climbed up through departments at his job over the last ten years, and I’m just so proud of all of his growth.
I’m grateful for our home. We everything we could ever need in our home. From food and clean water, to appliances and electricity- we’re blessed to have access to all of these things and to be able to afford them.
I’m grateful for my genuine friends. I am blessed to have friends who truly love and support me for who I am. I have friends who don’t see me as competition or anything other than a loved one, and that’s how I see them as well. We all just want to see each other thriving and happy.
I am grateful for sunshine and nature. Sitting in the grass and just being still while soaking up the sun has been a way for me to ground myself and kind of let go. I’ve done this a few times during my current grieving, and I will say it feels good to just sit in it all. Being in nature just reminds me of how small we all are in this world, and how blessed we are to just be here.
More than honorable mentions: my cats, iced coffee, music, my car, slippers, yoga pants, my comfy bed, shampoo, youtube… there are truly so many things I could list, and for that I am also grateful. I live an incredible, abundant life, and although it feels heavy and dark at times, I know how lucky I am, and I know how important it is to check in and count our blessings.
Just having a seat outside, soaking up the sun and grounding my feet in the grass. The birds have lots to say to one another this morning, and lucky for me, I just get to listen.
My husband and I are going to visit my family in Iowa this afternoon to celebrate my great grandma’s 97th birthday! I’m so grateful that we are able to see her and spend time with her, as well as the rest of the fam bam.
I feel so blessed to be present in this moment. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful home, financial stability, genuine friendships, and inner peace. We’re in good health, and our cats are for the most part as we get Mushu all regulated on her insulin. Overall we have a very good life, and I do not want to take it for granted.
Having a healthy marriage was always a dream of mine, and I’m so happy to have that with my husband. All I ever wanted was to have a home I was excited to come back to after a day away at work or running errands, and I have that. Communication and companionship are huge keys to success in marriage; this is why they always say to marry your best friend. Even when I’m stressed out or having a bad day, I know I have someone who loves me and someone I can lean on, and I know he feels the same.
I’m gonna head inside so we can get ready to go out to breakfast before our drive to see the family, but I just wanted to take a moment to be here and acknowledge how good life is. I am healthy, wealthy and happy, and I am in love with my life. I no longer feel crippling anxiety and emptiness like I did back in my early twenties, and as I approach my 30th birthday, I can’t help but be excited for this new decade ahead!
Went on a solo walk today and really enjoyed my time soaking in the sun and enjoying the peace. I’ve been allowing myself to enjoy this quiet time in my life, and I am just so happy that I’ve been able to feel so present.
I’m at the vet now so my cat Mushu can have her glucose checked again now that she’s been on insulin for a week, so we’re praying for good numbers. There are still more tests after this, but again I’m just grateful for the access to the vet and the fact that we can afford these visits for her.
My husband has a fun couple of days happening this weekend! He is playing AirSoft with some friends this morning, and tomorrow he has his second race in his go-karting league. I’m going to his race tomorrow since I was out of town for his first one, and I plan to go to all of them for the rest of the season! I’m excited that he’s doing something for himself and finally doing something with racing.
My dance class starts back up in a couple weeks, so I’ll be back to that weekly for the summer! I am excited to get back into it and keep moving my body in my fun way! I am hoping to keep working on being loose and flexible when I’m dancing, rather than ridged and stiff. I just want to be in my body and in the moment, and dancing helps to ground me there.
I gotta run to the grocery store and get ready for the week ahead! I want to have ginger shots ready and lunches for my husband and I. I also want to have a couple ideas for dinners during the week so I don’t feel the need to think about it after working all day. I am ending May on a high note, and I’m so excited to see what joy and abundance June brings!
I’m tired and in bed before I have to get up for work, and just wanted to take a moment to jot down some random thoughts I’ve had recently:
peace and calmness can feel odd or off to someone who has experienced a lot of anxiety and hyper-vigilance
if you’re taught that everything is scary and is the end of the world, that makes sense why you’d think that. however, we can still unlearn / de-program those concepts that aren’t actually helping us
sometimes it feels like our brains are actively working against our healing journeys and that’s because they’re wired for survival.
I don’t need apologies from those who have hurt me- I apologize to myself for not speaking up and setting boundaries when needed.
we judge people we love because we want better for them, yet we get mad when people judge us or tell us how to live our lives because we know what’s best for ourselves. (plot twist: they already know, it’s just hard to change and develop new habits)
life on earth includes oceans, sunsets and sunflower fields, friendships, true love and hugs: it’s not all bad here
It’s actually wild to me that my husband and I have been married for seven months already- I feel like our wedding wasn’t that long ago! The years are always flying by, and I’m just so grateful to be able to wake up next to him every day. I also can’t believe that on our one year anniversary, we will really be celebrating 14 years together! I can’t wait for our 3rd/16th anniversary, because then we will have been with each other for half of our lives! I feel so blessed with the life we built, and I’m excited to see what our future holds.
Wow, I can’t believe it’s already May! Getting closer to sunny weather and summertime! I am starting off this month with a girls trip to celebrate my friend’s 30th birthday!! I’m so excited for this month, I can just feel good vibes and energy all heading my way!
I pray that May brings peace and abundance to all of us who are seeking it.
I pray that May is full of love and happiness, and everyone is able to receive it.
I pray that May brings miracles and blessings that leave us so beyond in awe and strengthen our faith in the universe.
I pray that May shows you so many signs and synchronicities; I pray you feel how close your angels and guides are.
Good morning! I’m so happy to see the sun shining on this gorgeous day- a day of rest and resetting. Self care is on the list today- which includes a little bit of spoiling ourselves with some pedicures today. My husband and I haven’t had pedicures since November… LOL so we’re a bit overdue. I also wanted to get one before my girls trip coming up!
I’m also gonna pick up some groceries today and do my best to have a more nutritious week than I have been having lately, because I know my body deserves to be healthy and full of vitamins and nutrients. This part is always harder for me, but I am going to focus on small wins and keep reminding myself why I am doing this.
New moons are time for new intentions, and since we are no longer in eclipse season, the energy is much calmer. Plant those seeds that you wish to grow, and take time to nourish them. No rushing, no pushing- just trusting in the divine timing of it all. I am focusing on my physical and mental health, as well as how I can be more grounded- both in nature and in my own positive energy.
From Dark to Light 