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I don’t like my brain sometimes.

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I don’t like my brain sometimes… well, it seems often lately. I have racing thoughts a lot as of recent and no matter how much I try to push away the negative ones, they keep coming back. It’s mainly work stress/anxiety, but I want to be able to keep work at work and not let it mess with my head. The problem is I’m very overwhelmed as I’m doing the job of at least 2-3 people, but I also have extremely high expectations of myself and am struggling with the fact that I am so stressed.

I’ve made a couple mistakes at work- nothing detrimental but still, mistakes. When I mess up, it takes me such a long time to forgive myself and get over it, even though I am a human being who is bound to make errors. Literally everyone I work with (including my boss) tell me how great I’m doing, but no matter how many times I hear it my self-doubt always seems to creep back into my mind and I let it take over.

Today, I told my boss that I had recently increased my anxiety meds (because we were talking about flu symptoms and nausea and I think my increased dose is making me nauseous), and she asked me why I was feeling anxious. I was honest and told her that I’m way harder on myself than anyone is ever with me and I keep worrying that I’m not doing a good job. She was sympathetic and also reassured me that I’m not as terrible as I think I am because she told me that I am doing an excellent job.

I’ve always been a people pleaser, but even with the external reassurance and praise I am not pleased with myself. I don’t understand why it’s so easy for me to forgive people when they make a mistake, but when I make one I can’t help but constantly obsess over it. Luckily I will be seeing my therapist in a couple weeks (thanks to the connection I have with the scheduler there- otherwise my next appointment wasn’t until April). I also have ink therapy this weekend which is always a nice treat after a stressful week. ♡

Busy

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I’ve been staying busy on the weekends, which has its pros and cons. I love seeing my friends and making new memories, but I am usually missing my boyfriend and feeling guilty for being away knowing that he’s going to be gone for basically a month. I know he isn’t bothered by me having plans with other people- I mean he also has other plans and enjoys playing video games without his girlfriend breathing down his neck (LOL)!

Today we both got a good workout in and we ended up going out to lunch and donating a bunch of clothes. I love doing productive things over the weekend; I always feel like I’m successfully adulting when I’m able to declutter and take care of things around the house. Tomorrow he is off of work and I should hopefully be off early(ish) so we’re going to hang up the new curtains that we bought! When we moved in, we said that we wanted to get rid of the blinds and get curtains… literally three years later and we are just now putting up curtains. Better late than never, right?

I need to sign up for another yoga class. I told myself that I would go once a month and we’re already over halfway done with February! I feel like this year is already flying by and it’s honestly stressing me out. I wanted the office that I work for to be in a better place at this point, but I have to remember that I’m just one person and I’m doing the best that I can. I work hard, I do well, and I am only human.

I’m ready for a good week this week- I have a feeling tomorrow will be a good day. Maybe it’s because my boyfriend and I are putting curtains up after work, but regardless of the reason I want to try to keep up the positive mindset and carry it through this week! ♡

Good weekend, good week (hopefully)

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(Edit: I fell asleep before I finished this yesterday)

I spent the weekend with good company, and I also still made it to the gym, the grocery store, did laundry and cleaned out my closet! Friday night a couple of my friends stayed over; we drank wine and played that “Speak out” game where you have the mouthpiece that makes your mouth stay open really wide! It was hilarious!

When we woke up Saturday morning we all decided to go to Dunkin’ and when we got back to the house we had made the spontaneous decision to go to the WNDR museum in Chicago! One of my friends decided not to come with us because her boyfriend didn’t want to go, and she wanted to spend time with him (which is totally understandable)! My boyfriend also didn’t want to go, but I have been wanting to go for a while now so I felt like this was my chance!

Needless to say, we had an amazing time! I went with my friend, her boyfriend, her mom and her 1 year old son (who had a total blast btw)! My boyfriend had a PT session this morning, so I decided to go to the gym for an hour. I did my treadmill workout, some arms and hips and then went next door to Aldi. I started laundry when I got home and cleaned out my dresser and closet. Tomorrow my boyfriend will do the same thing with his clothes so next weekend we can donate all of our old stuff!

I want to start de-cluttering areas of the house. I feel like this will make me feel better because I’m being productive while also making the space around me more appealing. I have no issue getting rid of things, because I hate when things just take up space. I feel like starting “spring cleaning” early so I can use springtime to spend my extra time outside when I can.

This upcoming week the doctor I work for isn’t going to be in the office on Friday. I’m hoping to be able to get off early and I want to get something for my boyfriend for Valentine’s day! (And yes I plan to do it on Valentine’s day because whenever I get him anything he always wants it right away and I’m not great at keeping secrets all the time). I love buying him little gifts, and Valentine’s day is the perfect time to do it! Honestly, we don’t normally celebrate it, but I was so depressed over Christmas because I didn’t get anyone anything and I just want to do this.

I’m trying to stay positive and happy during this upcoming week and I’m hoping that all goes well because lately it’s been really stressful. I just feel like I need to stop being so hard on myself, and hopefully I can make some progress on that this week.

Ups and Downs.

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Today the sun was finally shining which was much needed. I had lunch plans with one of my friends today so I decided I would get up and go to the gym before I showered and did my makeup. I went to the gym yesterday too, and both days I just did a 30 minute treadmill workout (speed of 3, incline of 12). I’m not gonna lie, my inner thighs are feeling it today.

This past Friday I saw my therapist again, and we came to the conclusion that it may be a good idea to increase my medication and/or add in a new one. She also mentioned that although she sees a lot of obvious anxiety in me, she has a small inkling that I may have hypomania. Immediately after our session I went to make an appointment with my PCP since they’re in the same building, and she happened to have a 9am on Saturday. So yesterday we decided to increase my dose another 20mg.

It’s probably a good thing we increased my dose, because Friday night my boyfriend told me that his work asked him if he would be willing to work as a trainer for three weeks… in the Philippines!! Now, obviously I am very excited for him as this is a great opportunity. Not only that. but them asking him to do this just shows how well he’s doing at work and it’s so great to see him be given these opportunities!

My initial reaction (and current feeling) is happiness and excitement for him- but of course the anxiety in me quickly made itself known. I started to panic. I felt the tears coming to my eyes almost immediately, and I felt like I was starting to hyperventilate. I literally told him that I felt like I might throw up. Luckily I didn’t, but I did get dizzy so I had to sit down, and I cried a lot.

I cried because I know I’m going to miss him like crazy. I cried because I know how bad my anxiety gets when I just spend a couple nights away from him and I’m scared of what three weeks will do. I cried because I was upset with myself for how I was reacting when this is a happy time for him. I cried because I was upset with how codependent I am/feel I am. I cried because he comforted me and calmed me down and was so kind the entire time I was panicking. I finally stopped crying and then made a joke about how it’s a good thing that my meds are gonna be increased and we laughed together.

I obviously have some stuff to work on, especially with this happening in a couple months. I’m gonna have to set a good routine for that time that he’s away, so I don’t go crazy and I can avoid getting depressed/anxious. I thought about maybe visiting while he’s there, but I looked at the flights and I’m not sure I’ll be able to afford it. Oh well, I know he’ll be coming home eventually, and for now I’ll enjoy the time I have with him while he’s here. ♡

Flying by.

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I can’t believe that it’s going to be February this upcoming weekend. I remember just a few weeks back, thinking about how “2020 is going to be my year” and how I’m going to work on myself. Today I got a little upset, because I realized that I hadn’t even been to the gym yet and it’s already about to be February. To be fair, the first two weeks of January literally took a shit on me and I nearly went to my doctor to up my medication; but somehow something shifted.

Last week wasn’t too bad, and this weekend my boyfriend and I actually went out together to two separate events which is rare for us- it was nice spending time together and with good company! Today when I got up I knew I needed to be productive, so I got out of bed and immediately started my laundry. Once my clothes were in the wash I decided I had to use that 40 minutes to do other chores around the house. I cleaned the litter boxes (my least favorite chore), emptied the dishwasher, washed the extra dishes, and took out the garbage. Yesterday I cleaned up the bathroom and swept, so that gave me some extra time to get ready.

After the wash cycle was complete I threw my clothes in the dryer and went out to get gas and go shopping. I just went to one store, but I got what I went for: a new purse, new wallet, and workout clothes (ya know, to motivate me). After I was done shopping I grabbed Panda Express for myself and my boyfriend and headed home. After we ate I decided that it was finally time to go to the gym, and I went to Planet Fitness for the first time!

I honestly like the vibe of the gym waaayyy better than my last one aka Anytime Fitness. I’m glad I joined this one, and it’s much cheaper than Anytime. I started off on the treadmill and did this workout that my favorite You-Tuber does (30 minutes on a speed of 3 and an incline of 12)! I’m sure I’ll feel that in my legs tomorrow. I honestly didn’t do too much after that. I walked around the gym to see where everything is, so next time I’ll have a better plan in place and I’ll get a good workout in.

I feel like this year is already flying by, so nows the time to start doing what I planned to do. I’m only hurting myself when I delay starting to work towards my goals. I will say that I did take a yoga class this month already, and my goal was to take at least one a month, so I’m on the right track for that one! I felt quite defeated and exhausted earlier this month, and I know that I don’t want to feel that way for the rest of the year- and I won’t. I will be sure to keep working on myself and taking care of myself, because I deserve it. We all do. ♡

Circles.

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Life has been rough lately, and music has always been something that helps me through tough times. Mac Miller (RIP ♡) recently had his newest album “Circles” released to the world. Hearing his voice on those tracks after thinking we wouldn’t hear any new music from him has been somewhat surreal. When he passed away it was one of the hardest celebrity deaths for me. I think what made it more difficult was that he had recently released his album “Swimming,” and I had related so much to so many of those songs and wanted to see him perform them live on his upcoming tour. My boyfriend and I were lucky enough to see him live a few years back, at a Lolla after show (definitely one of the best shows we have been to). I’ll never forget his energy in that venue; the love he has for music combined with his insane talent is truly a gift. I’m glad that we were blessed with what is likely to be his last album- and in my opinion, his best one. ♡

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“Well I’m way too young to be getting old.”

“Don’t you put any more stress on yourself, it’s one day at a time.”

“Some people say that want to live forever. That’s way too long, I’ll just get through today.”

“Why can’t it just be easy? Why does everybody need me to stay?”

“I need somebody to save me before I drove myself crazy.”

“I’m busy trippin’ ’bout shit that still ain’t even happened yet.”

“Inside my head is getting pretty cluttered. I’ve tried but can’t clean up this mess I’ve made. Before I start to think about the future, can I just get through a day…”

“Yeah sometimes the going gets so good, but then again it gets pretty rough.”

Malcolm McCormick (Mac Miller.) Circles. Warner Records Inc., 2020.

The Pattern.

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There’s this app called “The Pattern” that one of my coworkers showed me. I don’t look at it very often but I felt the need to look at it this evening, and honestly, it is incredibly relevant. I wanted to share this, as I feel I have been more self-critical than normal lately.

Now.

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I need to start living for the moment. I can feel myself letting my anxiety take over as I obsess over the future and things I have no control over. What is the point of torturing myself? The worst part right now is that my dreams are so realistic and they’re just all anxious/stressful dreams. Even when I’m trying to relax and sleep, I can’t get peace of mind.

I feel like I’ve been distant and selfish lately, but I also don’t even care. As bad as that might sound, I can’t handle anyone else’s shit right now (I’m barely hanging on dealing with my own shit). I also know I’m being hard on myself, but I can’t seem to stop my self-doubt from sneaking into all of my thoughts.

Today my boyfriend and I went out for coffee and this cute place in our town. I got a Gingerbread White Chocolate Latte and he had an Americano with cream and sugar. I told him that I was stating to feel like maybe I am a bad friend or I don’t show enough effort, but he reminded me that I don’t ever need to feel guilty for not doing something that I don’t want to do.

On our coffee date we started talking about our next home being our forever home, even if that means staying in our current townhome for several more years. We want to make sure that the next house is as close to dream house as it gets. I always enjoy planning our future together, but I also need to remember to live for now and enjoy our lives as they are currently.

Speaking of which we’re going to spend some time together now. I’m going to try hard to make this next week the best one of 2020 yet, which honestly shouldn’t be too hard to do.

Stumble

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I can feel myself moving backwards in my progress. The anxiety is back; it has been for a couple weeks and it doesn’t seem to be getting better. I feel so exhausted and defeated. I can see my lack of effort around the house, and it upsets me, I just don’t have the energy to fix it.

I’m overwhelmed at work which has caused me to make a couple mistakes, which isn’t helping with the constant anxiety and self doubt. I mean, I am aware that I’m too hard on myself… I always have been. In 5th grade I remember getting my report card and seeing all A’s and one big, ugly C and being so upset. I went home to my parents in tears and showed them the horror that was my biggest academic failure yet (I mean, it was 5th grade)! But guess what? They weren’t upset at all. They were proud of my A’s and weren’t angry about the C, but I still was.

I’ve always been like this, and I hate it. I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack by the time I’m 30 with the way I stress myself out. I want to learn to live in the present. I need to be at peace.

What is going on with me?

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I’m writing this at work on my lunch because I just feel the need to. I’m very anxious today; I threw up before work and all day I’ve been just “GO GO GO” all day and I need this break.

Last week was rough: I threw up before work, I worked almost 60 hours, and it was also that time of the month so I was already feeling super exhausted and anxious. I figured that this week would be better (because literally how couldn’t it be) and here I am, still very anxious and exhausted.

Last night I fell asleep at 8:30pm, which is very early for me. I have barely any appetite, I’m exhausted and I literally can’t tell if I’m actually ill or if it’s just my anxiety. Lately my anxiety has been sneaking into my dreams as well which is torture because they’re so realistic that I wake up confused and literally don’t know what’s real or not.

My next appt with my therapist isn’t until January 31- I’m always on the cancellation list but my boyfriend is suggesting that I try to talk to her on the phone before my appointment. I’m trying to deal with it on my own because I feel like I should be able to, its just rough right now.