work

Fulfilled

blog

In what ways does hard work make you feel fulfilled?

When I think of a hard day of work, I definitely feel satisfied at the end of the day if I feel like I accomplished the goals I wanted to. When I feel like I have been productive and have crossed a lot off my list, I feel fulfilled in the way that I actually followed through on my goal.

It’s a lot easier for me to be productive and goal oriented in a work environment- sometimes I wonder if it’s still feeding a part of my inner child that craves approval and praise. When it comes to my own personal life, if I have a day where I can cross a bunch of chores of the list, I definitely feel fulfilled. I feel like I have taken care of my home and I have rid myself of overwhelming piles of tasks, which is satisfying.

Since moving away from people-pleasing and perfectionism tendencies, I have since recognized that my worth is not defined by how accomplished I am in the workplace or how clean my home is. I am worthy as I am, and as I lean into self love/care, I have also realized how important rest is. Burnout isn’t fun for anyone, nor is it worth it to sacrifice your health and wellbeing all in the name of being productive. As much as I enjoy feeling fulfilled by a hard day’s work, I also enjoy resting and recharging, so that I can feel fulfilled even when I am not doing anything.

2:22 on the clock

blog

The angel number of “alignment” is on the clock as I start this, and today I am feeling it so much. I have been at my current job since the beginning of the year, so just over 4 months, and I have been enjoying it! I still do dental billing, just at a new office and I am so amazed at how great the doctors/owners are with being transparent and appreciative. I have been told multiple times that I am doing a great job and they’re so happy with me, and this is something I never heard from other employers other than that their required yearly reviews.

Well today the doctor who I work with the most pulled me into her office today and again gave me great feedback on how I’m doing, and then she proceeded to say: “We want to give you a $2 raise.” My jaw dropped. I literally felt myself getting emotional and my body felt so light but also weird. I thanked her and told her how much I appreciate her and the other doctors being so open and supportive, and I told her that I’ve never worked anywhere like this and how grateful I am to be there.

I am just feeling so supported and loved this year. I’m blessed that I always feel that from friends and family, but to finally also have a job where I feel appreciated is honestly incredible. I work full time 40 hours a week I am at this office, and for a lot of my life those 40 hours were at incredibly toxic work environments.

I worked in places where the boss would talk shit about other employees right to you, which only has you wondering what they say about you when you’re gone. I worked where you are constantly getting more and more work dumped on you, but no compensation to go with it. I’ve also worked places where you’re told to do something but once you do it they are mad and said they never told you to do that.

I think part of me always chose to stay in these chaotic workplaces because I was used to that type of environment in my childhood. Since I no longer had those issues in my home life, part of me would still seek out toxicity so I’d just find it in abusive work environments. In reality, I want peace in and all around me, and I’m finally at a place where I can allow peace and rest to be a priority. Now that I have a job where I am not constantly on eggshells, I finally feel free enough to speak up and discuss any concerns I have without fear of retaliation.

I feel so grateful for this job, and for this life. I feel even more grateful that I am able to be present to it all.

Blessed Monday

blog

Woke up this morning to a message in our work app that due to extreme low temperatures, for safety of staff and patients they are closing the office today! Snow day part 2! Or part 4 if you count the weekend LOL.

In reality though, I am actually amazed and so glad that I took this position. My last company was still open on Friday when it was a legitimate blizzard outside, and I only know because I messaged my friend who still works there. If you ever called off for anything, you could bet that the boss was asking everyone if they’d seen you posting on snap or instagram or if they heard anything about them looking for jobs. Like damn, can’t someone just be sick or be worried about their safety in peace?

There were so many reasons I left that place, and it mainly came down to their lack of care about their employees, and I am so grateful to be somewhere that is the complete opposite. I love what I am doing at my job, I am getting faster at moving through the system, and I am excited to get everything in a good flow; but today, I get another day of rest!

Everyone be safe out there! Sending extra love to all who need it.

On the Upswing

blog

I am finally feeling about 95% better with my back! I was able to enjoy the 4th with my best friend and her son; we went to the farmers market and then swam at the pool in town for a few hours which honestly felt great on my back! Apparently it was exhausting as well, because my ass fell asleep at 7:30pm! I woke up at 9:30pm to the sound of fireworks, looked out my window and watched them for a couple minutes and knocked back out.

My body has definitely been needing rest, and I am doing my best to give myself that time. I went back to the chiro yesterday and am planning to go tomorrow as well, as I want to get back to 100%! I also am going to make sure I am getting in my walks and stretching at least, as I never want to be in the pain again.

I am happy to say that I had huge weight lifted off my shoulder when it comes to my work life. I had a coworker who was really adding stress to my days at work and it was an everyday struggle with trying to be nice and tolerable at work, but feeling inauthentic because I really wanted to tell them off. This created an internal battle, because I didn’t want to make everyone at work feel uncomfortable, but I was feeling uncomfortable every day.

This person would constantly talk about everyone in the office, never minding their own business. When they were called out for mistakes, they would point fingers and blame everyone else even though they were the one who made the error. Not only that, but even though I had said multiple times that this was work relationship, they were constantly trying to make me be friends with them and try to hang out outside of work. They never take accountability, they always play the victim, and overall this person was super manipulative— and luckily this is all over now!

Something that opened my eyes when I was dealing with all this was a video my friend sent me that said “sometimes the universe will bring people into your life to simply show you what it would be like if you didn’t heal.” I immediately thought of this person and how I could even see some of past me in them. Definitely not to this extreme, but the people-pleasing and trying to make everyone like me was something I used to struggle with. I didn’t go through lengths of pretending to listen to the same podcasts or have the same interests as people, nor did I try to buy anyone’s friendship with coffee and food, but I used to care a lot about what people thought of me.

I also never went through lengths of reading through someone’s personal email or recording someone’s voice when I’m not in the room, but maybe if I never went on this healing journey I could have become that kind of person (although I seriously doubt it because all of that is crazy as hell). This person also would overshare too much about their sexual life which was completely unwarranted and unwanted, and I probably should have reported it to the boss (considering there’s really no HR), and I never did. Either way, I am glad this is all over and I can finally stop dreading going to interact with this person.

I am so happy it is Friday and I have the ultimate self care day planned for after work, which I am looking forward to! I hope everyone has a great weekend, and that your crazy coworker that you can’t stand finally quits LOL!

Anxiety

blog

I woke up with some anxiety today, and I know where it is stemming from, but I am working hard to ask myself the questions to get myself grounded and calm. It’s all because my coworker called me after work last night and let me know she got two new jobs and she isn’t coming back tomorrow (aka today), and she asked if she could drop off her works keys to me to bring in today, so I am! I didn’t tell the other boss or anything yet because I will this morning and I figured I was off yesterday and would deal with it at work.

Although I haven’t done anything wrong and I cannot get in trouble for bringing in her keys, my anxiety keeps trying to trick me into saying I did something bad. But I know that I am not doing anything wrong by bringing her keys back to work, if anything that’s a great thing for me to do! I can’t get in trouble for not telling them yesterday, because I wasn’t working, nor would it have made a difference for today.

Honestly, even just taking the time to write this short post has calmed my physical anxiety down- it’s just writing it out to remind myself that I am okay and will be okay. No one can hurt me or fire me for doing this, and even if they did, I would figure it out. I can trust myself to navigate what life brings me, because I always make it through.

Friday

blog

So glad it is Friday! This week honestly flew by and it really wasn’t a bad week! Of course I am back to dealing with a late period and negative pregnancy tests so that’s a bit annoying, but I am trying to stay positive and remind myself that there’s no point in worrying because that will only delay it more. I’ve been trying to figure out if I am having some underlying stress that is contributing, but I can’t seem to pinpoint it.

As much as I get frustrated with drama at work, I don’t feel like I am letting it affect me mentally, but maybe I am! I know I was feeling some anxiety about the fact that I’m going to be on a billboard for a few hours in a couple weeks, but it feels like it’s mainly anxiety around my parents in a weird way. I know that my mom will be supportive of my writing and she knows I am healing and it’s my right to share my story and my thoughts, but just knowing how my dad has been my whole life, I just feel like he is gonna shit on it.

What matters is that I am proud of myself and my accomplishments, but maybe that’s my problem. I have such a hard time celebrating myself, it’s almost as if I got this exciting news and felt good about it for a day and then kinda shoved it away. It hasn’t even happened yet, but it’s like mentally I won’t allow myself to be proud or happy. I just keep making excuses about how they just needed a face in my town and it just happened to work out, but they also have enjoyed my writing and have been so encouraging on our zoom meetings and in the community. I guess I just don’t know why it’s so hard for me to celebrate myself, but it’s so easy for me to tear myself down.

Luckily I have therapy after work today, and maybe we can unpack that together. I honestly haven’t seen my therapist since July, so I am very much looking forward to this session. I just have to be conscious of my talking and making sure I’m not just venting so long that I waste the whole session. It’s hard when you only have 50 minutes and it’s been literal months since we’ve talked, but I know we will be able to have a productive session. I’m going to end this will an affirmation for myself- and I hope you all have a great Friday!

Affirming: I am healthy, I am calm and I am at peace. I release all that is not mine to carry, and I focus on what is aligned with my higher self.

Vacation

blog

I’m so ready to leave for vacation on Thursday! I’m going on a girls trip with one of my best friends and then a few of her friends down to North Carolina! We are going to be spending time on the beach, hanging out at the condo, and really just relaxing!

I’m excited to escape work for a bit and just enjoy life and the beach; I always feel so at peace when I am listening to the ocean waves. I would absolutely love to live by the ocean one day, and for just a long weekend I will be, so I’m going to live it up!

Until then I’m just trying to get ahead at work so it’s easy for the rest of my team when I leave. Since I have a higher workload than some of the other coworkers, luckily my boss understands if I can’t get super far ahead and she will work on my stuff while I’m gone! I don’t plan to think about work at all while I’m gone, but I definitely will be missing my boyfriend who will be at home with the cats!

I used to have a real hard time being away from my boyfriend for even a couple days, but after taking a few short vacations without him, it luckily isn’t as unbearable. I usually send him photos that I take on vacation and we will try to call/FaceTime every night or every other night; but overall I get to enjoy my time with my friends and he gets to enjoy his video games and coding without me bothering him (LOL).

I’m just praying for a safe flight without any delays, because this is my first time flying solo with layovers, and it’s not in my plans to miss any connecting flights! I keep reminding myself that things will happen as they should, and everything will be okay. I’m planning to read and listen to podcasts while on flights/waiting in the airport, which should help make the time go by fast! Overall I’m excited and can’t wait to see my bff!

Late/Tired

blog

It’s late, but I didn’t want to not write at all. I had a good weekend, seeing friends and enjoying time with my boyfriend. I have been watching trash tv (LOL my guilty pleasure is Are You The One on MTV), and it’s honestly been so relaxing.

I have been still practicing the art of gratitude daily and really focusing on the positive side of things, and I can tell an overall difference in my mood. It may we a weird way to describe it, but I feel lighter. Like I just feel as if I am carrying less worry and less stress, and it makes me want to continue on this path.

For now I am going to rest as I have to work early tomorrow- I hope everyone has a great week ahead!

Relief.

blog

I let my friend know that I was struggling to hear about her friends death, and honestly the conversion went so well it almost left me feeling angry with myself; instead I reminded myself that I am still growing and I can take this as a lesson and move forward. I found myself hesitating to put myself first out of fear of coming off like a selfish asshole, when in reality that’s the exact opposite of what I am trying to do.

It’s okay to be overwhelmed and it’s okay if certain things are triggering; what’s not okay is expecting people to understand when you haven’t communicated with them. I was avoiding an important conversation out of fear of confrontation, but having the conversation felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. And now I can also take time to heal and see what boundaries work for me.

I ordered a couple more books off amazon today. After reading “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success,” I feel the need to dive more into learning about being aware and present, as well as the law of attraction. I have always believed in and been interested in Karma, but I never focused so much on what I was giving to the universe each day. I am excited to go on this inward, spiritual journey and learn more about myself.

Yesterday was the first time in several months, if not a year, that I had inspiration to write a poem. I sat down and wrote the first two lines that I had sitting in my head, and the rest just seemed to pour right out of me. Although it’s probably not my best work (I’ll have to go back and re-read it), I am just happy that I had that sudden feeling to write!

I’m excited for the week ahead, and excited to see my best friend this upcoming weekend for us to finally celebrate our Christmas together LOL. I hope everyone has a great week!

Appreciate.

blog

I always make sure that the ones closest to me are appreciated. My boyfriend is the person who does the most for me, and I tell him every day how much I appreciate him and make sure he feels loved. We’ve been together since we were 16, and I’m 26 now. We always make sure we are supporting one another and caring for one another. I am grateful everyday that I have him in my life, and I make him a top priority as this benefits both of us in our life together.

As we grow older, we tend to grow away from people. I see myself growing away from friendships; I am seeing which friendships are healthy and which ones aren’t. I go through a battle in my head where I debate bringing up my observations to friends in fear of offending them, but at the same time, I feel like a bad friend if I am observing a friend display some unhealthy behaviors and I never bring it to their attention.

I also know I am not a doctor or expert on mental health, but there are truly some things that are just obvious. People also love to share their lives on the internet so more people can observe these behaviors. I honestly truly feel that everyone can benefit from therapy, and especially when you have a known mental illness and/or diagnosis. I mean, why wouldn’t you want to work on yourself so you can have a better life for yourself?

As I’ve stated in previous posts, I understand that therapy isn’t something everyone can afford, but there are things we can do on our own that can help make our daily lives better. One of those things is practicing gratitude: focus on what you have and appreciate your blessings! You tend to forget how good you have it when you don’t take the time to acknowledge and appreciate.

Another good way to take care of yourself is to take social media breaks; I saw that Lush Cosmetics recently deleted all social media platforms in lieu of information that came out about how terrible instagram is for young teens’ mental health. The constant comparing yourself to others, seeing how others are “better” or “prettier” is a sure way to feel unsatisfied in your current life.

I am glad that I have been able to go to therapy and learn to practice better habits in my life. I am so blessed to have a wonderful man in my life, supportive friends/family, and my three beautiful kitties! My boyfriend and I are blessed to have good jobs, a spacious townhome, and reliable cars that we enjoy. Of course we all have struggles and tough times that come about, but it’s so important to count your blessings whenever you can.