I’m pretty sure grief has put me into a freeze state. There are many moments where I just sit and don’t want to do anything, and I don’t feel like moving my body until the anger hits me.
Sometimes I hate how angry/upset I get when people want to discuss politics. I know it comes from the fact that I don’t trust anything on the media/news when it comes to politics, but also because it seems to feed division and chaos.
I feel like I’d be more confident if I actually followed through on my own goals and dreams, yet I still seem to just ignore my own wants and needs. Or do I not know them?
I’m tired and want to go back to bed for the rest of the day, but instead I’ll be leaving for work here in a few minutes.
Just having a seat outside, soaking up the sun and grounding my feet in the grass. The birds have lots to say to one another this morning, and lucky for me, I just get to listen.
My husband and I are going to visit my family in Iowa this afternoon to celebrate my great grandma’s 97th birthday! I’m so grateful that we are able to see her and spend time with her, as well as the rest of the fam bam.
I feel so blessed to be present in this moment. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful home, financial stability, genuine friendships, and inner peace. We’re in good health, and our cats are for the most part as we get Mushu all regulated on her insulin. Overall we have a very good life, and I do not want to take it for granted.
Having a healthy marriage was always a dream of mine, and I’m so happy to have that with my husband. All I ever wanted was to have a home I was excited to come back to after a day away at work or running errands, and I have that. Communication and companionship are huge keys to success in marriage; this is why they always say to marry your best friend. Even when I’m stressed out or having a bad day, I know I have someone who loves me and someone I can lean on, and I know he feels the same.
I’m gonna head inside so we can get ready to go out to breakfast before our drive to see the family, but I just wanted to take a moment to be here and acknowledge how good life is. I am healthy, wealthy and happy, and I am in love with my life. I no longer feel crippling anxiety and emptiness like I did back in my early twenties, and as I approach my 30th birthday, I can’t help but be excited for this new decade ahead!
Went on a solo walk today and really enjoyed my time soaking in the sun and enjoying the peace. I’ve been allowing myself to enjoy this quiet time in my life, and I am just so happy that I’ve been able to feel so present.
I’m at the vet now so my cat Mushu can have her glucose checked again now that she’s been on insulin for a week, so we’re praying for good numbers. There are still more tests after this, but again I’m just grateful for the access to the vet and the fact that we can afford these visits for her.
My husband has a fun couple of days happening this weekend! He is playing AirSoft with some friends this morning, and tomorrow he has his second race in his go-karting league. I’m going to his race tomorrow since I was out of town for his first one, and I plan to go to all of them for the rest of the season! I’m excited that he’s doing something for himself and finally doing something with racing.
My dance class starts back up in a couple weeks, so I’ll be back to that weekly for the summer! I am excited to get back into it and keep moving my body in my fun way! I am hoping to keep working on being loose and flexible when I’m dancing, rather than ridged and stiff. I just want to be in my body and in the moment, and dancing helps to ground me there.
I gotta run to the grocery store and get ready for the week ahead! I want to have ginger shots ready and lunches for my husband and I. I also want to have a couple ideas for dinners during the week so I don’t feel the need to think about it after working all day. I am ending May on a high note, and I’m so excited to see what joy and abundance June brings!
I feel grateful for the beautiful day I have spent with my husband. We’re about to go on a walk together which always makes me happy! Well, we’re actually going to play frisbee golf, which is also a fun time! I just want to get outside in the sun.
This morning we were up pretty early- we have to give our cat her insulin at the same time every day, and the doses are 12 hours apart. Since I was up so early to give her the insulin, I ended up staying up and watching the rest of Secret Lives of Mormon Wives (lol don’t judge me) and my husband woke up about an hour and a half later.
We decided to go for a drive to go get some coffee, and then we went shopping for a little bit before heading back home. We did some cleaning around the house today which feels really good, and I purged my closet which was also needed!
This long weekend was much needed, and I’m just feeling so present and so grateful for so many things. I’m happy the weather is getting warmer and the sun is out. I’m happy that we learned how to give our cat her insulin and she will be feeling a lot better soon; I’m also grateful that she can still live for many years with diabetes, and remission is also a possibility!
I’m grateful that my husband and I get to enjoy this long weekend together, and that we can afford this life that we live. We’re so blessed to have our jobs and our skill sets, and I’m so proud of how far we’ve come, both individually and as a couple, over the past 13.5 years. I am so thankful for this life, and thankful to be present here in my body to feel all of the love.
Wow, I can’t believe it’s already May! Getting closer to sunny weather and summertime! I am starting off this month with a girls trip to celebrate my friend’s 30th birthday!! I’m so excited for this month, I can just feel good vibes and energy all heading my way!
I pray that May brings peace and abundance to all of us who are seeking it.
I pray that May is full of love and happiness, and everyone is able to receive it.
I pray that May brings miracles and blessings that leave us so beyond in awe and strengthen our faith in the universe.
I pray that May shows you so many signs and synchronicities; I pray you feel how close your angels and guides are.
Good morning! I’m so happy to see the sun shining on this gorgeous day- a day of rest and resetting. Self care is on the list today- which includes a little bit of spoiling ourselves with some pedicures today. My husband and I haven’t had pedicures since November… LOL so we’re a bit overdue. I also wanted to get one before my girls trip coming up!
I’m also gonna pick up some groceries today and do my best to have a more nutritious week than I have been having lately, because I know my body deserves to be healthy and full of vitamins and nutrients. This part is always harder for me, but I am going to focus on small wins and keep reminding myself why I am doing this.
New moons are time for new intentions, and since we are no longer in eclipse season, the energy is much calmer. Plant those seeds that you wish to grow, and take time to nourish them. No rushing, no pushing- just trusting in the divine timing of it all. I am focusing on my physical and mental health, as well as how I can be more grounded- both in nature and in my own positive energy.
Today was a good day! I had a good day at work, I got to see my therapist, and I watched a couple of episodes of Severance with my husband! I am excited for our weekend as we have a 30th birthday party to go to, we have pedicures booked, and we are getting eye exams/new glasses!
I’m also excited for the new moon on Sunday, which is the same day my husband and I are getting our pedicures. It’ll be a nice day to just relax and have some self care. I’m excited for my girls trip coming up soon, and I am just feeling a greater sense of self lately. I’m so grateful for this life and this beautiful Friday.
I didn’t record my podcast episode, and I am giving myself grace about it. I will record soon, and I know this is just my brain getting into survival mode and putting me in a freeze state. I am feeling my way through it and I see exactly where all this fear is stemming from.
As a child my father would often tell me that I had no voice. He’d remind me that I had zero power or control in the home, because I was just the child. Also, being a child of alcoholics, I kept that part of my life a secret from everyone outside of the house (except for a couple close friends as I got older). I was always keeping quiet as a way to be safe, so my brain automatically shut down when I went to start recording my podcast episode.
I am working through this feeling, reminding myself that I am allowed to have a voice. All I have to do is speak the truth and remember my intentions. People will judge regardless, and that is not my business or my problem. I know my intentions and I know who I am- that is all that matters. I am not putting a harsh timeline on this, but I am determined to start recording this year!
I recently was going through my OneNote on my computer, and I came across a project of mine from April of last year: the outline for my first season of my podcast. Let me just say this right now: I never started a podcast. I have talked about podcasting for years, and apparently on a random day in April of I wrote an entire outline with episodes and topics to discuss within each episode.
I start looking at the other tabs in my One Note, and in November of 2023 I wrote an outline for my first book. I also have to let you know that I do not have a book. I do have a couple of my poems published in books amongst other poets, but I have not published a book of my own. I also have said I was going to write a book for even more years than I’ve talked about podcasting… yet, here we are.
So this is why I am asking myself the title of this blog post: “Why (the F*CK) do I think I am incapable of doing things?” Also I am curious to know: “Why do I lack the self-worth and/or confidence to put my authentic self out into the world?” For years my excuse was not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings-and honestly, maybe I am still using that today. I don’t want people to think ill of my parents or have other family members judging them- but who am I to think I can control what anyone else thinks or does? If I am speaking the truth and doing so with good intentions, does it even matter what they think anyways? Am I not hurting my own feelings by shoving my dreams away? Does this mean that I am literally still living my life for the comfort of other people over my own? Well f*ck.
Now that I am sitting here, I am wondering…do I really lack the self-worth? Or have I still been seeking approval from the same generation that I am healing from? The whole point of breaking cycles is to do exactly that: break them! If I am trying to heal from people-pleasing and perfectionism, why am I stalling my own dreams to “keep the peace?” Why am I overthinking how or when to share my truth, when all I have to do is be authentic and honest? Until I push past the guilt and pressure I have put on myself and actually pursue these projects I have dreamt about for years, I will remain in the same cycle I am craving to escape.
I now need to take a moment to give myself credit, because it’s not like I haven’t shared some things here on my blog over the past five plus years. I also have been taking actionable steps away from people-pleasing in my life and have noticed the difference in myself. I no longer sign up for things that I don’t want to do, nor do I spend my energy with people who do not reciprocate it. I also just took a massive step out of my comfort zone by taking a hip-hop dance class, and that has already helped me to let go of perfectionism and step into art and expression.
After years of focusing on healing and learning more about myself/my brain, I feel a lot more confident in who I am as a person. I still struggle with self-doubt and sometimes I listen to my fears instead of leaning into faith, but I know I can always come home to myself. I have accomplished so much in my life, and I need to remind myself of that. Coming across my book and podcast projects initially made me frustrated with myself, I am also grateful that I found them, because it has reminded me that I actually am much more capable than I give myself credit for.
I felt like I was getting so much sleep this morning that I actually slept through the entire day and I was going to wake up to my Monday morning alarm for work. Needless to say, that did not happen and for that I am thankful. It did feel nice to get a lot of sleep-I’ve been feeling the need to rest and reset lately so I am embracing this slow weekend and season in my life.
I decided to make myself a new Tumblr page yesterday. When I was younger, Tumblr was my first blog. It is mainly photos and you can post your own and/or “re-blog” from others, but it always felt so therapeutic to me. I had been messing around with a few settings here on WordPress and just kept thinking about how much I missed having a photo-blog (aka Tumblr)-so I decided to sign up and create a new one! If you want to check it out you can at https://themagicshecreates.tumblr.com/
I have this thought that comes back every now and again about how us humans feel the need to be in the loop on every tragedy happening around the globe, yet we aren’t even present to our own health and financial goals. How are we going to save the world or solve any problems when we are struggling to survive ourselves?
People scream at other people on the internet calling them privileged for ignoring the horrific news, when there are tons of people who are informed but aren’t doing anything about it. For example, my mom is always complaining about politics and whatever but she doesn’t write letters to representatives or do anything productive with that information. Also, how informed is anyone when the news/media is profiting of your anxieties and fears?
The only reason to be on the internet is to spread true authentic love and light. I have such a love/hate relationship with Instagram, which is why I am happy I signed back up for tumblr, where people aren’t commenting and going back and forth-we are all just sharing art. I also like the app Lapse for this reason as well. I am going to end up taking time back off Instagram again, which always makes me feel better mentally.
Today is going to be a peaceful Sunday, and I am just soaking in all of the blessings around me. I am grateful to have a warm home and roof over my head. I am grateful to have an incredible life partner who loves and respects me. I am grateful to have friends who encourage me and are rooting for me. I am grateful that my husband and I have our jobs so we are able to pay our bills and have fun in this life we have built together. Finally, I am thankful for my angels and guides who keep me divinely protected and blessed- thank you, thank you, thank you!
finding light in the dark 