self growth journey

Enjoying Each Season

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On holidays sometimes I find myself thinking about the future; I think about my boyfriend being my husband, and us having children who see the world as a magical place. I think about the traditions we will have and how I intend for my children to look forward to seeing family and celebrating together. As much as I am excited for those days, I still am very grateful for this slow season in life.

Right now I get to live my life; In any moment I can decide to leave the house to go shopping, or grab coffee, and it’s easy. I can book dinner dates with friends without a second thought, hell I can even book trips as long as the bills are paid! I don’t want to focus so much on what I have to look forward to, and miss out on these moments that I will crave one day.

My boyfriend and I got to enjoy a nice breakfast out this morning, and now he is enjoying a nap as I write this. I am listening to some music, watching the cats sunbathe by the sliding glass door, and just enjoying this day and this present moment. I am so grateful to live this life, and I feel blessed to have gotten to a place where I feel comfort in the peace.

In the past when I had free-time, or any moments of boredom, I would feel anxious. I would feel like I needed to get up and start doing chores or leave the house and just make sure I wasn’t just sitting around. Now I can look at these moments and embrace them. I no longer feel the need to run around and get things done, instead I understand that rest and spending time with myself is where a lot of the healing comes from, and it is necessary.

When I find time alone, I have been trying to scroll less, and instead actually take time to do something that brings me joy. I’m not going to lie, sometimes jamming to music and cleaning does feel quite invigorating, but I have found other ways to spend my time as well. One example is the writing I am doing right now! I enjoy getting in touch with my thoughts and getting them out, as well as remembering the progress I’ve made and celebrating myself.

As it gets warmer out, I am excited to get back outside and doing my regular walks, which I am going to go on one here soon. I usually will listen to a podcast of some sort, but this year I also want to take walks where I am just listening to the sounds around me. I know that can be very grounding and honestly I am sure that is somewhat of a meditative experience as well- guess I will have to find out!

Either way, I am enjoying this period of my life. I always feel that it is important to realize how blessed we truly are, and I love taking time for gratitude, because I truly am living a great life. I get to wake up to the love of my life every day in a warm bed, hearing the sounds of loud cat meows and the pitter patter of their paws. Truly, I am living the life I once dreamed about, and as much as I am excited for our future endeavors of marriage and parenting, I am incredibly grateful for the life we have today. I enjoy the times we can just lay in bed and cuddle, I enjoy our breakfast dates, I enjoy when we get to travel together, and I enjoy living each moment. Thank you.

“Where focus goes, energy flows.”

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I absolutely love when I awake in the morning and the sun is blaring in my eyes as our curtains hang just an inch too high above the window sill. I know that probably sounds like sarcasm, but just knowing that the sun is out and seeing how bright it is truly brings a sense of childlike joy to my heart. I’m not going to lie, I felt very exhausted waking up today, but that sunshine definitely brought some motivation.

Last month I spent time doing things I love; I went to a couple of concerts and I prioritized spending time with friends. I still battle with feeling drained after being out and hanging with people, but as long as I take time to be with myself and my thoughts afterwards, I typically end up replenishing that social battery. I absolutely love having conversations with people and just seeing how small the world is and how such different humans can still connect with each other. I truly believe that the art of listening and learning could have a profound impact in this world, which is why I am ready to get serious about my goals.

I keep talking about starting a podcast, but not making any efforts towards achieving that goal. I have most of the equipment that I need, I have endless resources at my fingertips (Google, YouTube, etc.), I have a bunch of scrambled ideas in my head, yet I haven’t put anything to paper… until yesterday! I finally did some bullet points and episode ideas and have been thinking about how to record and that I’d want to make other content out of my episodes. I have other ideas that I don’t want to go too much into detail on just yet, but I am starting to look at the resources I have and have decided I need to stop wasting time.

Last May I connected with a woman on a girls trip with one of my high school best friends, and she recently started a podcast of her own! On her podcast she is incredibly open about sharing her story and diving into her traumas, and she is creating a community of people who are healing together and growing together, which is honestly what I am wanting to do as well! Leading up to me seeing her announce her podcast, I had been getting some interactions with podcasters that I listen to on Instagram, such as Mel Robbins sharing my Instagram story to hers, and even getting a reply back from Jay Shetty in the comments!

Honestly, I had been asking for signs of what I should be putting my efforts towards and focusing on, and I kept receiving signs but still not putting in any effort. I knew that when I got these notifications of these well-known podcasters that I was supposed to explore this idea and see if this dream is what I really want to pursue. Recently I was able to reconnect with that woman from the girls trip on Instagram, and she actually invited me to be on her podcast! We chatted on the phone for a bit and she is going to send me some more information so we can get ready to record at the end of this week!

I was honestly honored that she wanted me to to be on her show, and I literally look at this as not even a sign, but as if the universe just put everything right in front of me and has made the opportunity so apparent and available. This is going to be a good test for me to see how I enjoy it and learn from her, and I am honestly just so grateful for this opportunity. Like Tony Robbins said: “Where focus goes, energy flows.” I want to make sure I am taking time to prioritize myself and my hobbies, especially while I am in this season of my life where I have the time and freedom to do so. I am excited for this next chapter, and I am blessed to have such great support around me.

Sending love to all! Have a great Sunday and week ahead. ♡

Thursday Thoughts

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I have been in a bit of a funk these past few days and I am sure it is because I still have a residual cough and am not feeling 100% myself just yet. I feel a lot better than I did, but I am ready to completely kick this thing out of my system. Since I’ve been feeling rough I wanted to take some time for gratitude, as life is still beautiful even if I am seeing it through the lens of a tired, sick person.

I am very grateful for tissues, especially the ones with lotion infused in them. These have been a lifesaver while I’ve been sick, as they keep my nose from getting too red and raw. Compared to the toilet paper I was using originally, these tissues are a Godsend LOL. It’s the little things sometimes!

I am grateful for doctors and medical staff, as they were able to asses my illness and do testing to rule out flu, strep and covid. I am blessed to live somewhere where I can go see a doctor same day at an immediate care.

I am thankful for my boyfriend who is always my biggest support system through everything in life. He ran out to get my more tissues and snacks, he was making sure I was drinking water and bringing me ice packs for my head when I needed them. He hates seeing me sick and is always doing what he can to make me feel better. I am forever blessed to have him by my side in this lifetime.

I am grateful to have a job that offers insurance and PTO. Although I didn’t have any to use for this particular situation, it will renew and I am grateful to have these benefits.

I am thankful to have a reliable vehicle to drive that I’m quite fond of! She (yes, my car is a girl LOL) has such good features and great speakers, and she gets me from place to place safely. I am happy to have her for this road trip I am about to venture on!

There are so many more things I am grateful for, but I have to cut this short so I can get ready to leave for work. Although it’s a couple “bad” days (which aren’t really bad, I just feel off) it doesn’t equate to a bad life. I am giving myself grace and I know that I am going to feel a lot better soon.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sunday-Tarot Pull

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Happy Sunday! I want to start off by saying that this past week I have felt kind of “off.” I haven’t felt as positive or easy-going as I have been wanting to feel; instead I have been tired, emotional, and it’s definitely been easier to spiral into self-doubt and negative self-talk than it has been to focus on the good. I still am working on re-wiring my brain, and I know that I need to take time to rest and just let myself be in peace, and maybe that is just what I am meant to do at this time.

Today I am doing a mind, body, soul tarot card pull for myself from the Black Cats Tarot deck that a good friend got me for my birthday last year, and I thought I’d pull them and write about them here today. I have my cards pulled so let’s get started:

Mind- The Fool-The White cat represents freedom and purity, manifesting no fear in its gait: he always walks ahead serenely without every glancing back. No link and no attachment can stop it. He knows that the most profound wisdom means remaining humble before the mystery of Creation.

My Interpretation: Although I have these attachments to my old ways of thinking, or links of the past voices telling me I was stupid, or fat, or not good enough…I know that none of that will impact how beautiful my future will be. I also read the “remaining humble before the mystery of Creation,” as me doing what I am doing now, by being open and vulnerable about my mental health and showing everyone that it is not always positive rainbows and sunshine, and you have to feel to heal. It is human nature to have emotions and to have ups and downs, I am embracing the waves, rather than fighting them.

Body- Three of Wands: Ascent– This card represents a constructive path. Working to attain one’s own objectives. Ambition and talent collaborate harmoniously.

My Interpretation: It makes complete sense for my body/health; I am working on listening to my body and seeing what works best for me when it comes to mindful eating and exercise. I have found myself comparing myself to friends recently, some losing weight, some gaining muscle, and I had to take a step back and realize that I was working against myself in those moments. My goal is to listen to myself and my body and do what feels good to me, not doing what I see other people doing.

Soul- Two of Wands: Discussion- This card represents our inner and outer conflicts. There is never progress without a struggle. It is necessary to act, trying to take into consideration the various aspects of a problem.

My Interpretation: This came full circle for me, and I love love looovvee that it is my “soul” card. It is normal to struggle, and I need to take this time to do just that. Let me sit and heal the inner conflicts, and that will help me with the outside ones. Progress comes from hard work and sometimes taking a step back and inwards is the hardest work to do.

2•12•23 Tarot Pull

Monday Morning

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Starting the week off with some gratitude. First I want to say that my intention for this week is to focus on getting my body more aligned with my mind, as I haven’t been eating the best over the weekend or the last few weeks honestly. I’m starting this morning with some yoga at home and lemon/cucumber water, and I am happy to celebrate even that “small” win!

In which case, I’ll start by saying I’m very grateful for that win this morning and the fact that I am up early enough to be able to stretch and even write up this short blog post! I promised myself I’d get up early, and I did!

I am very grateful for this blog. I started this years ago and I have been better and better about writing it in weekly and I am happy that I started this when I did, and I am excited to keep it going!

I am thankful for my boyfriend, as he truly makes my days better. He always makes me laugh and makes me feel loved, and I admire the mutual respect and support we have for one another.

I am grateful for my job. I am lucky to have a job that I don’t hate, that has PTO and insurance, and allows me to pay my bills and still be able to enjoy life. I also don’t work weekends which is something I’ve always wanted!

I am grateful for my three beautiful cats! I always grew up with cats and I’m so happy that we have our babies at home who love us and bring us joy. Kitty purrs and cuddles always put me in a better mood.

There are so many other things I am grateful for, such a podcasts, books, great friends, sunrises/sunsets, days with minimal traffic, iced coffee, the fact that my car has heat so I. can be warm on my way to work when it’s only 14 degrees out. I could go on and on, but instead I’m going to get back to some stretching before I go to work.

Have an incredible Monday and great week ahead!

“This Too Shall Pass”

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I survived Monday! And if you’re reading this, that means you did too! Congratulations! I hope you did something for yourself today, because you deserve it! I am happy to report that I woke up today in less pain than I’ve been in all week, and it really wasn’t a bad Monday! Work was productive, getting adjusted and chatting with the chiropractor’s assistant was pleasant, and doing some stretches in the comfort of my living room while listening to Mel Robbins is honestly quite therapeutic.

I just wanted to write for a second, because I was reflecting on my generally good mood today, and it truly is insane how different my mood was when I was in pain. I mean it makes total sense! Not only was I irritable because of the pain I felt and how slowly I had to move when doing literally anything, but I felt myself getting anxious about the house chores piling up, and of course starting the worst case scenarios: “what if I am in this horrific pain forever?” But when I found myself sobbing softly in the kitchen (because a hard sob would hurt too much) my brain did something different. Instead of letting myself go down that dark rabbit hole of guilt and negative self-talk, during the very worst of the pain I found myself saying, out loud too myself: “This is temporary, I am okay.”

I knew the back pain was temporary, because I had this same pain a month prior. I knew that I’d continue to see the chiropractor and actually start wearing the back brace (so maybe I didn’t wear the brace and maybe I skipped out on my therapies…I wonder why the pain started. LOL) and that I could get help myself out of this pain. I knew the pain wasn’t going to be there forever, and that I would feel myself again… so why not apply this to all of life’s hard times?

If I wanted to relive my past, which quite frankly I am actively trying to live in the present so that doesn’t sound very appealing, I would wish that I could have thought this way in so many moments. To be able to remind yourself that heavy emotions are temporary, the physical pain is temporary, the need for more rest is temporary, that stressful job is temporary…that can ease so much of the weight in those hard times. It’s easy for me to spiral into negative thought patterns and turn on the self-loathing soundboard, so to be able to stop the downward spiral with the simple reminder that “this too shall pass” is honestly a game-changer. I know, I know… I’ve heard that phrase a million times over in my twenty-seven years of life, but this is when it clicked for me.

As I move through the week and face challenges as they come (including hormonal ones, because sometimes I think mother nature f*cking hates me), I will continue to remind myself that everything is temporary. I get to choose what I focus on, and I am choosing to focus on my happiness. And no matter how heavy things may feel, I’ll just remind myself that this too shall pass.

Low

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I believe my last post had to do with my back pain, and I am happy to say that I have had much improvement over the week, but I do still have some pain. I went to my chiropractor and got some new x-rays done, and basically I am making progress which is kind of causing the pain. My hips are off-center because of the 10-degree curve in my spine, and as we are making progress on the curve, my hips are realigning. The way he explained it is that the joint in my hip doesn’t want to continue making progress and it is fighting back, but as we continue with adjustments and my therapies that it will continue to get better.

I am excited to get back in the gym and get back to being active, as I’ve been laying pretty low since having this pain. I have been stretching and still running errands and what not as I want to stay moving, but I can’t wait to be back to 100%! I have a feeling I’ll be feeling that way by the end of this week, considering I’ll be seeing my chiropractor Mon-Wed!

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a little rough for me not to start getting down on myself or anxious. I hate “falling behind” on house chores and I was also super motivated for this new year and to feel like I’ve been spending most of it in pain makes me upset. I have to make sure I take time to remember all of the beautiful things that have already happened this year.

For example, I got to make vision boards with my best friend! We are going to make this a yearly tradition to make vision boards for the new year, and I am so happy with how mine turned out! I also got to hang out with my childhood bff, and just laughing and chilling with her felt healing in and of itself. We’re excited to hang out more this year, and overall I am very excited for this year ahead.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I went to Portillo’s, which was such a yummy treat. I literally was craving their cheese fries for three days leading up to that lunch date, so to say I was excited was an understatement. After that we traveled out to the Dick’s Warehouse Sale, and after sifting through some very interesting products, we each found a pair of shoes we liked! Once we were home I went to hang out with a friend of mine, and just enjoyed a pretty chill night.

This year hasn’t been bad, I am just learning to live slower and more mindfully. I also feel that this pain has taught me that I need to keep moving and take care of myself, which is something I’ve been saying for a long time, but haven’t been doing. I deserve to be healthy and enjoy life, and I am the only one who can give myself that. As I continue to heal, I will remember to keep tuning into gratitude and being present. Happy Sunday!

2023 vision board

Gratitude Check

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On a quick break and that calls for some gratitude! Feel free to list what you’re grateful for today in the comments 🙂 Let’s make the rest of the day a good one!

1- I am grateful for my health. It is a blessing to be able to walk, eat, talk, use the restroom, and complete daily tasks without the need of assistance.

2- I am grateful for my boyfriend/our relationship. I’m blessed to have a life partner who is hard-working, respectful, caring, and overall an incredible person to be around. I feel so safe and loved, and I’m happy we have great communication skills and have continued to grow together throughout the years.

3- I am grateful for our home. I am blessed to have a roof over my head and have everything I could ever need within the walls. Clean running water, heat/AC, appliances, a bed… truly we are so lucky to have all of these things and they’re easy to take for granted.

4- I am grateful for my job. I am lucky to have a job that allows me to pay my bills and live life as I’d like. I am happy to have insurance and PTO, and I am also so grateful to not work weekends!

5- I am grateful for books and podcasts! It’s so amazing to me when people can take their ideas and thoughts and organize them in such a way that leaves an incredible impact. I love when I read something or hear something that just blows my mind and changes my whole perspective on things. Also the fact that people write/podcast to help others is truly beautiful!

I have to get back to work, but I just wanted to take a few minutes to check in and remind myself how great life is! Hope everyone has a great day!

First Monday of 2022: Complete

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Happy 2023! Yesterday was 1/1/23 and I was blessed enough to be able to spend time with some family. My aunt and her friend made it back from from Thailand yesterday and we got to see her before she drove back to Iowa which was nice. Soon enough we will all be going out there for our Family Christmas and I’m looking forward to seeing my Grandma and the rest of the family.

Other than that I pretty much laid low yesterday. My boyfriend and I re-did our budget for the new year and I took some time to journal a bit. My coworker started listening to Gabby Bernstein and joined her 21 day manifesting challenge, and she shared the PDF with me with the journal prompts for each day. Yesterday I created my “desire statement,” and I am excited to see what todays prompt brings.

As far as manifesting goes, I know it’s all the work you put in. You cannot wish for things to happen and they happen, you cannot control things beyond your control, but although it isn’t magic, to some it can feel like it is. I definitely love feeling the “magic” of the world… and ironically it happened as I was writing this.

If I’m going to be completely honest, I started writing this blog post on the toilet this morning (LOL, sorry for the TMI). Once I was done I washed my hands and I went into my bedroom. I started doing yoga and as I was breathing, all I could smell was the cat litter. So I decided to get up and clean that, and then I took out the garbage, and when I came back to my phone I decided to check my email. It was 9:14am and my email was from Gabby Bernstein and it said “Dear Gabby Live 10:15am EST.” I’m like OH SHIT ONE MINUTE!!! and quickly grabbed my laptop and jumped on zoom.

I have only ever been in one other “Dear Gabby Podcast” Zoom, and I am so grateful that I was able to do it again. Ironically enough it’s something that I have been reflecting about over the past couple of days as I was looking at the positive parts of 2022. Today I was just in there to listen, I didn’t raise my hand to try to get picked to ask anything, I just decided to be grateful for the experience and listen to the others call in and listen to Gabby’s insight.

When she is recording these, it is for future episodes and it’s fun to see the behind-the-scenes of her podcast. She will re-record certain parts and do different exits for a show and it’s fun to see the time and effort that goes into making a project seem so perfect and effortless. It also reminded me that perfection isn’t real, and it’s completely normal to “mess up.”

I feel like I already knew that, but I needed just a little push or refresher because I feel like I still strive for perfection, which is stopping me from starting anything new. I also feel like I have so many different ideas and things I want to try, but I can’t decide on which to focus on. After listening to one of the shows that was being recorded, it was brought up to focus on the one bringing the most joy.

When I started the manifesting challenge, my goal is to manifest a healthier lifestyle for myself. I have been on a healing/self-love journey for years now, but I know that deep down I need to have my mind and body in alignment, and I always feel better when I take care of myself. From what I’ve been listening to on the self-help podcast, it actually helps you rebuild your sense of trust with yourself when you do what you say you’re going to do. I have always felt a distrust towards myself, and that’s likely because I don’t always follow through with my self-care, but the thought of truly being able to be disciplined for the sake of self-love brings me so much joy.

I used to want to be fit and/or skinny so that I didn’t feel insecure out in crowds or on social media, but I didn’t actually care about my health at that time. As I am growing older, I am realizing that good health, both physical and mental, is the true wealth. If I know that and I truly do care about myself, I deserve to give myself that healthier life. I deserve to move my body and fuel it with the foods it needs. I also deserve to not restrict myself or shame myself for eating the cookies that I am baking right now.

I am excited to continue on this journey of self love and discovery, and I am happy to be taking it one day at a time. I want to continue working on being present and mindful, and learning to love myself unconditionally.

2022 Progress Report: Proud and Grateful

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As the year slowly comes to a close, I am looking forward to continue my healing into 2023. I have learned so much about myself over this year, and I am honestly very proud of my growth. I think back to when my mother had her stroke in February, and how instead of sitting and worrying about if or when she would have another one, I instead turned to gratitude. I was grateful that she is still here, and she can function normally and on her own; she is truly blessed, and I feel the same way. If this were to have happened a few years ago, I would have spiraled for probably months, just riddled with anxiety. I am proud of the fact that I find it easier to turn to gratitude during tough times.

I also am grateful that I am getting better at communicating when I am bothered by something. A few months ago, I was able to have a conversation with a close friend about something that I felt like could have been confrontational or maybe even hurtful. Although I was anxious about it, I was able to clearly communicate my intentions and thoughts, and because she is a good friend, I felt heard and understood during that conversation! I am proud that instead of just being quiet about it and building up resentment, I decided to speak up for myself and discuss my feelings. As someone who has avoided conflict and kept quiet her whole life, that one single act felt like it broke a huge barrier for me, and for that I am proud of myself.

Throughout the year I’ve struggled with judgment; truly it’s been me judging myself for judging others, and then realizing that those judgments I had towards others were actually the judgments I had towards myself. I had read about that in a book, and I’ve also heard it on podcasts before, but it really clicked this year. Although there have been a lot of hard truths to swallow, it has also been calming in a way to release that urge to control or “rescue” others. In reality, I only have the power to control or “rescue” myself, and that is what I will continue to focus on.

I am so grateful to have access to therapy and to have found such amazing podcasts that I enjoy listening to. I also am happy that I started reading more books again this year, and I plan to read even more in 2023. I plan to dedicate time to myself each day, even if only for one minute on some days, because I deserve that love and attention from myself. I plan to be authentic and honest and speak up for myself whenever needed, and I plan to be unapologetic about setting healthy boundaries. I am planning to be less busy and live calmer and slower; after living with a dysregulated nervous system for most of my life, I want to do my absolute best to try to regulate it.

2023: More connecting with nature, less connecting with technology. More reading books, less scrolling through Instagram. More time doing what I love, less wasting time doing things that don’t align with me. More pausing and slowing down, less rushing and stressing. More focusing on my values and goals, less judging and doubting myself. I am doing only what I feel is best for me, and I won’t feel guilty about it.