It’s 9:44pm and I’m off to sleep. Hoping to get a solid 8 hours before work tomorrow. Regardless of how much sleep I get, and regardless of the fact that mother nature paid her visit today giving me insane cramps, I am determined to make tomorrow a great day. Getting some sleep will help with that for sure, and laying on this heating pad is giving me such relief. I am so grateful that I had such a wonderful weekend with my husband, and I know this will be a great week ahead.
I ended up reaching out to my boss and letting her know I cannot come in today. I’ve been so overwhelmed at work lately, and these last seven weeks have been harder than the entire two years I’ve worked there. I’m glad I have understanding bosses, as I really haven’t had that in the past and I could have never asked for just a mental health day; but here I can be honest and just say “I need a day so I don’t burn out,” and they get it! Now I can rest and take this little break for myself and come back on Monday feeling recharged and ready to tackle the world!
Starting the day a little later than usual today because I have to bring my car to the repair shop this morning. Once I drop it off, the rental car people will bring me to Enterprise so I can get my rental for the next couple days, and then I can head to work!
We have our potluck at work today so I am bringing Poppyseed Bread per usual (highly requested family recipe), and we are picking our secret santa’s! I am looking forward to that and trying to keep a positive outlook on this week, as last week felt like a total shit show at work.
Although I am starting the week off a little bit out of routine, maybe that’s exactly what we need for this week. I’m grateful to have my car and my insurance to help pay for this repair, I am grateful for my bosses being so flexible with me while I work through this and my cat’s diabetes (her next vet appointment is this Friday), and I am just grateful to be alive even when times feel stressful.
Sending love to everyone this Monday- cheers to a great week ahead! Even if shitty things happen, we can tune into the fact that we still have many wonderful things to be grateful for.
I remember when I used to hate Sundays, mainly because I’d let the dread of Monday ruin the day for me. Now I absolutely LOVE my Sundays and look at them as days to be soft, slow and full of love. Most Sundays, my husband and I spend a majority of the morning laying in bed. I used to have so much guilt when I’d rest; all I’d think about were the tasks and to-do lists, but now I can let myself lay around and understand that rest is necessary and I am supposed to give myself time to recover from life LOL.
We’re gonna see our friends today, I told her I’d help take photos of her and her family for a little maternity shoot! I love taking photos and I love helping her- she helped us with our engagement photos and they turned out amazing! It’s wild what great photos you can get with an iPhone! I’m excited to see how they all turn out! It’s a chilly day, but the sun it out and the leaves are changing in some places so I’m hopeful we will get some great shots!
Halloween is Friday, which is one of my favorite holidays!! As far as I know, I’m really not doing anything for it this year! I have a couple friends coming over on Saturday night to chill and catch up, so that’s really what I’m looking forward to! I may do a little basic costume for work on Friday with something I have in my closet already- we will see what happens!
I am excited to make this a good week, and I’m just feeling like so much goodness is on the horizon! Sending love and prayers to all who need a little extra right now- may you find peace and clarity where you need it.
I trust in the Universe to keep me protected from all evil, and all things blocking me from my purpose.
I trust my Angels and Guides to keep me on the path to my higher self, loving and supporting me along the way.
I trust in Diving Timing; even when it may not always feel right in the moment, I know there is a bigger and better plan.
There is so much beyond my control, and I no longer wish to hold the weight of the world. I trust that love and light will always prevail. I trust that people are more kind and loving and connected than the media may make it seem. I trust that there is good in this world, and greatness in the divine. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 🤍✨
The way we speak to ourselves really matters.
You’re not supposed to be liked by everyone, and if you’re being authentic, you won’t be liked by everyone.
Adults can handle their own discomfort and disappointment, it’s not your job to make everyone else happy.
Shaming and blaming yourself will never bring the results you want.
Life will always have chaos, we’re meant to prioritize joy.
Fear sells. Fear controls. In a world of fear- have faith.
It’s been a while since I’ve sat and written anything long form on here, and I can’t say I necessarily want to do that right now either, but I have been feeling some shifts this weekend that I feel like articulating and expanding upon for a second.
I am someone who hates disappointing people, but I’m also someone who really has been trying to empower the whole “don’t do want you don’t want to do” mindset. As someone who has been a people-pleaser her whole life, I was basically not living in any sort of authenticity because I always did whatever people wanted even when I didn’t necessarily want to do that.
This weekend we were invited to my husband’s cousin’s graduation ceremony. Now, we are obviously very excited and happy for his cousin for following his dreams and meeting his goals, but this ceremony was 3.5 hours away and we were not trying to pay for a hotel out there, so it was going to be an in and out trip. My husband ultimately decided to not go and that we would take his cousin and his wife out another time, which I felt so relieved about. I was not looking forward to a 7 hour commute and a ceremony.
My default is to feel guilt and shame about this, even though I really have not gone against any of my morals. For me, I would not expect my cousins to drive 3.5 hours for my college graduation… in fact, they didn’t even drive the 2 hours and I have never taken that personally! I do understand my relationship with family can be different than his, and ultimately this was his decision to skip the graduation so I really should be detached from it, yet yesterday I couldn’t help but feel guilty and like we’re the a**holes of the family. In reality though, we haven’t done anything wrong. I can understand 100% if they’re upset, but also I’m sure they can understand where we’re coming from too and it’s not something that will rip the family apart.
We also were asked to help our friends move on that same day and we didn’t go help them even though we didn’t end up going to the graduation. My husband had a project he was working on and I honestly just took a day for myself. I’ve been finally leveling out after a couple weeks of being very stressed and having bad mental health, so I just needed a day for rest and joy. Yesterday we did go to help them finish moving some boxes, but part of me still felt rude for not going to help on Saturday, even though I know I would have been exhausted and overall just not pleasant to be around.
My husband felt no guilt whatsoever for not going to the graduation or helping friends move, and it’s just crazy how differently our brains work. I also am like, maybe I should just embrace the fact that I also didn’t want to go do any of these things, and if that makes me an “a**hole,” then so be it! I think I have such issues with being “rude” or doing anything to upset people, because I really didn’t like how mean my dad was when I grew up.
In reality though, he was typically drunk and would be name-calling/making fun of big emotions. He’d pick on my weight or my intelligence, and that’s not anything I could see myself doing, nor is that what I have done this weekend. It definitely felt that his rudeness was more intentional, and me skipping out on a graduation is not actually comparable to the ways my dad was an a**hole.
I guess this is why I write, and why I need to get back to it. When I actually take time to think through and articulate my thoughts, I realize how illogical I’m being when it comes to how I punish myself or make myself feel guilty all the time. My inner critic gets very loud the instant that I feel I’ve done wrong, and I have to remember that she also is not very logical- she’s part of survival mode. My brain still thinks that being “perfect” and never upsetting anyone is how to stay safe, but that is not feasible, nor is it true. Authenticity is the answer. Love is the answer. I just have to embody those two things, and all will align as it should.
finding light in the dark 