Does anyone keep anything to themselves anymore? To their closest loved ones?
Does anyone value having anything that is theirs, and only theirs?
Does every envious and evil eye have the right to see your most precious moments?
Does every judgmental person deserve your energy and attention?
Does everyone in your digital friends list meet the requirements to actually be a part of your life? To come into your home? To watch your kids?
Does every horny individual on your feed deserve to see your naked body? To look at you as an object? To assume you did this all for them?
Are the views and the likes worth it? The followers and possibility of going viral?
Does the external validation go far? Could you give yourself that validation without getting it from someone else?
Would you still like your posts if it was only for you and your loved ones? Would you be proud of your children doing and posting the same content?
In the worlds of real life and “reel” life, are you living in your values in both? Are you the same person both on and offline?
Everything in life is temporary, yet the content we post to the internet remains forever. It has become to normal to share every aspect of our lives online to both people we know and complete strangers… but just because something is normal, doesn’t mean it’s good.
In an age of being so “connected” through apps and technology, we are so far disconnected from ourselves.
We’ve become addicted to external validation to feed our unhealed wounds of unworthiness.
We’ve become addicted to the dopamine rush when we get a lot of views or engagement.
We’ve become addicted to our screens and “connecting” with others, while ignoring the real world around us.
And we can run around and say it isn’t our fault and blame everyone else, but it’s our responsibility now. We know now.
So sit with yourself, and ask:
What do you value most in this life? Are you living in your values?
What are you grateful for? Have you thought about how many blessings are around you on a daily basis?
What habits are you wishing to let go of? What habits have you been wanting to develop?
What do you do when you’re avoiding something else? Is this beneficial to you in anyway? Is this something you wish to continue?
We all get a little lost sometimes, but the important part is that we come back home to ourselves over and over again.
None of us get out of here alive. We deserve to live lives that we are proud of. We deserve lives that we will be grateful to look back on when we’re lying peacefully on our deathbeds.
You are in charge of you.
You get to decide who has access to your mind, to your body, and to your soul.
You get one life to live, and you are the one who chooses who and what you give your energy to.
I’ve been enjoying all of the love that is surrounding me. From the love within these walls that is shared with my fiancé, to the love exchanged in fun facetime calls with friends, to the love that extends beyond miles and reaches family in far places. I have been so blessed to have such great support, and it’s something I am trying to be present to and truly appreciate in the moment.
I have been constantly making lemon ginger immunity shots for a few weeks now, as well as putting together lunches for work and fruit jars as healthy snacks. I’ve been slacking when it comes to movement and getting in a good routine with that, but I’m about to have a schedule that is super consistent and I want to plan workouts around then. Even if it’s just starting with 3x a week, I know this is something that my body will thank me for and my future self will as well.
I am feeling another social media detox coming up, and I know that I need it. I remember how great I felt actually taking time to do the things I wanted and feeling like I had more free time and I deserve to have that again. I waste so much time scrolling and I don’t want to keep abandoning my goals and dreams; I am the only one who is standing in my way.
I am excited for this upcoming break and for my time to myself. I am focusing on spending time and energy on things that truly make me feel fulfilled, and I feel so grateful to have so many good people in my life that I can have great conversations with. I am enjoying this chapter of my life, and I am so excited to see what blessings are to come this year!
As we approach the end of 2023, I feel the need to reflect and appreciate all that this year has taught me. I feel so fresh and happy going into the new year with the new beginnings ahead, and I owe that to my own efforts that I have put in throughout this year. I still struggle sometimes to find time or care enough to actually celebrate myself, but I know how important it is to recognize our own strengths and triumphs as they encourage us to keep going and keep growing!
This year was full of love and laughter and so many blessings, and I feel like I was more present this year than ever before. I remember seeing Masego in concert earlier this year and having the best time in the upstairs VIP w/ my good friend and her sister. He put on such a great show and the venue was amazing! I also drove out to Minneapolis to meet up with one of my best friends from high school so we could see Bryce Vine! He also put on a great show with his dope pink hair as he floated across the crowd on a blow up flamingo LOL! I also got to experience the Mall of America for the first time!
This year I actually went to the roller rink twice- once for my friend’s birthday party and then I ended up using that idea as a part of my own 90s themed birthday party months later! My birthday party was honestly one of my favorite days, because I had so many of my closest friends all dressed up in their best 90s gear and we got to rollerblade and then got to chill back at our house listening to my 90s/early 2000s playlist that I spent way too much time curating LOL. The 90s theme was also inspired by a fun 90s night out that I got to attend for another friend of mine’s birthday about a month prior to mine!
This year I was able to reconnect with my childhood best friend and we have spent more time together than we have the last couple years. It’s felt so good to dive back into that authentic friendship and be able to laugh like we did as kids, but also be able to have fun conversations about astrology and the universe and not feel judged! We believe in the magic of the world and encourage each other to recognize it and seek it out! We also have improved our communication which has overall helped our friendship to thrive!
This summer my high school best friend and I went back to the sunflower field that we went to a couple years back and we had wine, walked through the fields and even got to cut our own sunflowers to bring home! Although my dress was making all of my sweat on my back and under-butt completely noticeable, I reminded myself that I didn’t know any of the other people around me, and human bodies sweat in the hot sun and didn’t let it ruin my time! It took me a minute to get out of the anxiety/embarrassment phase, but once I realized how laughable it was, I was able to get present again and enjoy myself.
I got to meet my new baby cousin this year and she is so sweet and adorable, I am excited to see her again for our January Christmas celebration! My fiancé also got to meet her at her “fairy first birthday party” which was so cute! I also enjoyed my annual girls weekend with my mom, grandma and aunts as we explored a small town in WI and stayed in a VRBO that has an amazing deck and view! One of the highlights from that trip is when my aunt and grandma asked me to autograph the poetry book that I was in- it’s still crazy to think I am a published author! I am blessed to have a family that is supportive and excited for me.
Of course, the most exciting part of 2023 for me was definitely when my fiancé asked me to marry him at our favorite breakfast place. The universe told me it was going to happen, and it may not make sense, but even though I felt it deep inside, I was still entirely surprised when that ring came out of my mimosa glass. Part of me feels like it knew that the proposal was coming, but I also was finally at such a sense of peace around waiting for that moment where I didn’t even think about it.
I do want to say, I used to get in my head and obsess over when it was going to happen. This year I recognized that there was no point in wondering and waiting when I knew it was going to happen eventually, so I did my best to release that anxiety around it and just lean into faith and patience. One day one of my friends was telling me how she was thinking and hoping her boyfriend was going to propose soon, and I remember having a moment later where my ego was screaming inside of me: “if she gets engaged before me I’m gonna be so pissed off because I have been waiting way longer than her!”
But after that thought, it’s almost like my soul stepped in to counter and I just had this thought: “The goal is not the engagement, the goal is the lasting relationship.” I paused. I didn’t know where this thought came from, but it completely shifted my mindset- the goal really was the lasting marriage/relationship, and considering we had already grown together and loved each other through 12 years, we technically already were living the goal! This is where I was able to completely let go of my anxiety around getting engaged, and they always say once your surrender is when you receive, and boy do I believe that.
There are so many other wonderful things that happened this year, and I am excited to take these memories and these life lessons into 2024 with me. I am starting a new job this coming year, I am planning a wedding, and my goal is to stay focused on the joy around me. I want to be completely present for my wedding and throughout the planning process, and I will do so by practicing gratitude along the way, and just focusing on all of the love I have in my life. I feel so lucky every day, and I am excited to see what 2024 brings! For now, I am going to finish off these last couple weeks of 2023 strong and with a positive attitude!
This weekend has been full of Christmas parties and good company, which means my social battery is now drained. Today my fiancé and I are having his brother take our engagement photos and then we are meeting up with our moms to discuss wedding/reception planning.
We are planning a small beach destination wedding with less than 40 of our close family and friends, and we are also doing this on our 13 dating anniversary which makes it land on a Wednesday! I have always dreamed of having an intimate ceremony near the ocean, and I am so excited to make this dream come true!
We have a bunch of ideas planned, but nothing is set in stone just yet and I am working on surrendering all that is beyond my control to the universe. I know that things don’t go as planned, and I know that is usually because something better is coming, so I am going to work hard to stay in that mindset throughout our planning process.
I’ve been in a few weddings and been to even more and more often than not the bride is always very stressed before the wedding. I am determined to focus on the joy and gratitude along this journey and eliminate any stress where I can, and I am so excited to see how everything unfolds. I want to be so present throughout this process, because this is the only wedding I plan to have and I do not want to let myself get carried away with unnecessary stress and anxiety.
This is going to be the ultimate people-pleasing test for me, because I know what I want and I know some family may have some different opinions. I will not let anyone guilt me out of my dream of getting married on our anniversary, even though it may be super inconvenient for most people. I will be strong with my boundaries and as long as my fiancé and I are communicating well and on the same page, that is what matters.
This wedding is for us to celebrate our love and set the foundation for our future life and family, it has nothing to do with anyone else. I am so grateful and excited to marry my best friend, so I am going to keep this same energy throughout the process. Here’s to a great week ahead!
It’s 11:11am as I start this post, just after we celebrated the date 11/11 yesterday! I’ve been seeing that number a lot lately, even prior to this weekend we just had, and I see it as a good sign. A couple weeks ago I listened to an episode of the House of Herby podcast where Qveen Herby (Amy) and her cohost/husband Nick talked about the concept of happiness. Within the episode they discussed Aristotle’s levels of happiness, and it keeps popping into my head so I decided to look back into it for myself. I added sources to the bottom of this blog, but all of this information (other than my own insight/experiences) is from the articles listed at the end. Now let’s dive in!
According to Aristotle there are only four levels of happiness: Laetus, Felix, Beatitudo, Sublime Beatitudo. Laetus is happiness from material objects, Felix is Ego gratification, Beatitudo is the happiness from doing good for others and making the world a better place, and Sublime Beatitudo is ultimate, perfect happiness. I’d say it is important to note that the first two levels focus more on ego, while levels three and four focus more on soul. As human beings, we all have an ego, so make sure to give yourself grace as you reflect on these levels. I can admit fully that I definitely get happy after making purchases or getting my nails done, which is happiness you find in the Laetus phase. This level’s happiness comes from external sources and is short and fleeting. In this article from The World Counts, it mentions how people who only focus on this level of happiness often see life as shallow or without meaning, because all of your happiness comes from things/external sources. I could definitely see how that could be a problem in life. If all of my happiness came from the clothes I purchases or the dip manicures I get, I would be constantly spending money and seeking out more dopamine hits, while simultaneously creating a financial burden for myself. I’d also probably get bored of spending money on the same few items, so I may start to add in bigger purchases like vacations or designer bags. Considering this would definitely feed parts of my ego, this could technically lead into that second level of happiness: Felix.
Felix focuses on ego gratification, where one’s happiness comes from appearing to be “better” or more admired than others. Sometimes when we are proud of a purchase or are excited about a nice vacation, we like to post pictures to our social media accounts for everyone to see. This isn’t necessarily “good” or “bad,” but it does produce some sort of result. One may feel more happy when they notice they are getting a lot of likes or views on their post, and they may feel supported or validated from these external opinions. This again isn’t “good” or “bad,” but for some, this dopamine hit can start to create an addictive pattern where they may start to seek this external validation more often, which in turn does feed the ego. According to a 2023 article from Forbes, when humans achieve a short-term goal and feel a sense of accomplishment, that is when we experience Felix. This happiness can come from a promotion, raise or some sort of recognition/praise, and this can be beneficial to the human experience. I personally see this as a good thing, as I have received raises and promotions in my lifetime, and experiencing those achievements makes me feel even more motivated to work harder and keep moving forward. In my personal life, having reached certain goals with my mental and emotional health, it makes me eager to learn more and I personally wish to help others grow and see their own potential for creating more happiness. This type of mindset of helping others to succeed leads into level three: Beatitudo.
Beatitudo starts the shift from ego to soul, as this level focuses on the happiness from helping others and making the world a better place to be. This level is about moving away from doing things just for yourself, and making intention decisions and actions that benefit those around you. It is important to note that people can get lost in this level and forget the importance of still tending to one’s own needs. According to this post from cbttherapies.org.uk it is important that we do not define ourselves as unworthy if we don’t always give love. We are still human beings with egos, emotions, flaws, and we are not meant to be perfect. It is essential to one’s own health that we are still tending to our own happiness and making sure we are at our best in order to have the capacity to act in service of love. This level is based on the desire humans have for compassion, connection and meaning, and this level leads to more lasting happiness and it feels deeper than levels one and two. I have a goal to help others, but am still finding the balance so I do not lose myself in other people’s emotions and lives. I always have been a sensitive person and I often feel I physically take on other people’s worries and pain, so it is important that I do not drain myself or lose myself in the process of helping others, as that will ultimately defeat the purpose. I have to be at my best to give my best, I have to be in a state of love to spread love- it is important that you take care of your own needs first.
Level four, a.k.a Sublime Beatitudo is a level that most would see as being in a spiritual realm. This happiness is akin to enlightenment or transcendent, and psychologists label this desire for ultimate happiness as a call for connection to source. This level seems impossible to achieve, but in reality this level has no definitive answer, as each human has to discover their own purpose in this lifetime. Some will fulfill this desire through religion or spirituality, while others through art or science… the choice is up to you and what you feel called to do. Just as level three is basically leaning into “love,” I’d say level four is also “love,” but actively and consistently showing love to all others and one’s self. I’d say this is when we release the ego and start to fulfil our soul’s purpose and desires for the greater good. In this state, and I’d even say in level three, one does not feel “better” than another person, one sees themselves in everyone. We are all humans, and we are all mirrors of each other. The good you can see in others is within your own soul. The ugly you see in others is often something you can see within your own ego. Living in a state of grey, recognizing that it is not just all black and white, this is where (I believe) true peace is achieved. Not being attached to fears, but being free from the pressures that the ego feels.
Overall, happiness is an emotion that us humans are lucky to feel. Sometimes happiness can be short and fleeting, but in other regards it can be lasting and satisfying. I do ultimately feel like the choice is up to us, but I also feel like many people are stuck in survival mode and dealing with unhealed trauma that can hinder their mental processes in different ways. Becoming self-aware and having knowledge about your own brain and how it works can open doors to new perspectives and ways of thinking, and doing so from a place of love and compassion is absolutely crucial. The ego is delicate and often can feel threatened when confronted with the fact that it may be toxic in some ways, but in reality all humans have toxic traits. The only way we can deal with them is actually sitting and reflecting on our own responses and habits, rather than avoiding them. Becoming self-aware has helped me tremendously in my growth and my healing journey, even if some stuff wasn’t easy to hear. I believe that in order to achieve perfect, absolute happiness, we need to fully lean into love and the desire for overall peace. It is crazy to see how Aristotle’s ancient philosophy applies to the modern world, and overall interesting how he looked at humans and their happiness on this four-level scale. Thank you to House of Herby for mentioning this scale, and thank you to the below articles/sources for providing me with more information/insight on the topic. Wishing everyone a happy Sunday, make it as happy as you want it to be!
Today is my birthday, and I have made it 28 years around the sun. In the best way, I still feel very young. Sometimes I wonder how I am able to find balance between being a responsible adult and still enjoying the magic of the world as a child would, but then I think about how this seems like a natural state to me. I have always been highly sensitive, and I believe that allows me to experience those same levels of joy and excitement that young children do over seemingly “small” joys. Seeing cows or horses out of my window while driving still brings me the same level of happiness that it did when I was younger, and I even feel the same childlike joy that arises when I get an M&M Blizzard. Today I was excited to have a free drink from Starbucks and was able to treat myself to my newest guilty pleasure, and this honestly already made my whole day! Being present and aware of my happiness has been important for me, as I used to focus on my anxiety and despair, and I truly believe that mindset shift has changed my life for the better.
I had heard the saying “energy goes where focus flows,” and then after learning about the Reticular Activating System (RAS) in our brains, it made complete sense. Our RAS is a magical tool, as it works based on what we are feeding it. For example, when you are shopping around for a new car, typically you start seeing the car you’re interested in everywhere you go. Or when you are trying to conceive, you may feel like you are seeing pregnant women everywhere, but in reality there aren’t really more pregnant people, instead your RAS is just focused on that right now. When I was first struggling with my panic attacks and severe anxiety, all I could think about is how “horrible” my brain was and how “crazy” I was, and that was really all I could see. It didn’t matter when my boyfriend or my friends told me I wasn’t, I had told my mind that it was true, and now it was doing everything to focus on what made that true. Once I was able to recognize this (which was several years into my therapy/healing journey) my life changed for the better, and gratitude ended up being a huge help.
I recently listened to an episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast where she discussed the difference between being thankful and grateful. What I took away from this episode was that feeling gratitude is much more powerful than just being thankful, because in the gratitude you truly feel it. As I sit here at my kitchen table, I am thankful that I have a laptop to type this on and that I can afford my WordPress subscription, but it is not until I truly pause and focus on the true magic within these privileges that I have that I can step into gratitude. I also had a close friend tell me about what her therapist taught her, and she said that when practicing gratitude to think about events or specific memories where you felt overwhelmed with happiness so that you can easily step into that feeling. It is when we step into the joy and love that we get aligned with ourselves and we can access that magic in the world. Now when I see my signs such as repeating numbers or bunnies, I can feel the ping of joy in my heart, and I allow myself to feel grateful in those moments.
This year I plan to continue on this healing and self-love journey, as I can see the progress I have made. I know when I need to isolate and take time for myself, and I no longer feel guilty for it. I am better at speaking up when I am bothered, but I am also recognizing when it is not necessary to share an opinion. It all comes down to not only how I feel, but if it directly impacts me or my life. I am actively working on practicing non-judgement with myself, and this will inevitably spill out to the world around me. I deserve to feel happy, and I deserve to do what makes me feel good as long as it is not harmful to myself or my dreams. I honestly believe that everyone deserves to feel good, and although it may mean working through the traumas and toxic traits, I promise the end result is worth it. We deserve love and happiness in this lifetime, so I intend to seek it and be it. Cheers to 28 years!
I am taking this time to actually practice what I preach, as I feel like I have been out of my element for a bit. I am going to take this blog post as time to acknowledge my growth and progress, as a way to remind myself that I have not regressed, and healing is not linear. What is important is that I continue to come back to myself, and so I am.
I used to never allow myself to rest. I remember I’d wake up on Sunday mornings and immediately hop out of bed and start doing chores. Whether that was washing/putting away dishes, or taking out garbage, or reorganizing the closet… no matter how many tasks I scratched off the list, I always made more for myself. I would not allow myself the luxury of lying down next to the love of my life and just enjoying his warm embrace for a few minutes. I wouldn’t allow myself to have time to think about my intention for the day, or take time to do something for myself, because I always said that I would relax or reward myself after the (never-ending) chores were done.
Now I have a better mindset about relaxing and self care, and I allow myself to do something for myself prior to starting any to-do lists there may be. I understand the importance of setting yourself up for the day and taking time for yourself right in the morning, as I have heard in a podcast before: it’s like putting on your armor for the day. When you don’t start your morning off right, the day can easily get out of control, and it can feel more overwhelming. Although I do not have a set morning routine, I find that on the days that I do wake up early enough to stretch or even do a 5-10 minute meditation, I just feel calmer throughout the day. On my weekends when I can cuddle with my love for a bit, I now look forward to and enjoy those moments. Whether its taking time to read a chapter of a good book, having a cup of coffee or tea in silence, or taking a walk around the neighborhood, taking time to participate in self care is important. I am happy to say that this is the new mindset I live by, and I am glad I recognized that self care isn’t selfish, it is necessary.
I often remember feeling trapped in the endless chaos in my brain. I felt like I was constantly in a battle with what I previously called “rational me” and “irrational me,” and I could never feel at peace or confident in any of my decisions or emotions. I was keeping myself busy with working full time, doing school part time, and constantly over-extending myself in my social life in order to avoid my own issues and try to keep up with my dysregulated nervous system. I also remember feeling very insecure in my relationship; I felt like I was a burden who was always crying and worrying about “what ifs,” I assumed I was awful to be around because it sure felt awful in my head. I felt stupid, confused, full of rage and I didn’t even understand why I felt these things, but now I do.
Now that I have gone through years of trying different anxiety medications, working with a couple different therapists, and dedicating myself to reading and listening to self-help material, I have a much better understanding of my brain and why I am the way that I am. Being able to understand that the environment I grew up in while my brain was developing had a large impact on my reasoning, coping skills, and habits has allowed me to have more compassion towards myself, rather than continuing with the self-loathing and negative self-talk. I am able to make mistakes without scolding myself or calling myself stupid. I am able to recognize that my thoughts are not me, I can choose which ones I want to connect with and I can release the ones that are not serving me. I also am able to recognize when I am in a state of anxiety, and I have breathing exercises and grounding exercises that allow me to bring myself back to the present, and calm my mind and body.
I still have a lot of work to do, and I am comfortable with the fact that healing isn’t linear, but it is forever. Life will continue to bring new blessings, as well as challenges, but the more I know myself and how I respond to certain triggers and events, I can continue to learn how to better handle stressful situations. There is freedom in the awareness, as hard as it can be to see at first. Seeing the toxic habits, acknowledging the choices that hinder growth, once you can see how you’re holding yourself back, you can set yourself free. I know I silence myself out of fear of disappointing and hurting others, and I still have to work on more self-love and self-trust. I need to dedicate myself to healthier habits and pay attention to what makes me feel whole, and continue to show up for myself and my dreams. This blog is part of it all, so I guess I can celebrate that. ♡
I am finally feeling about 95% better with my back! I was able to enjoy the 4th with my best friend and her son; we went to the farmers market and then swam at the pool in town for a few hours which honestly felt great on my back! Apparently it was exhausting as well, because my ass fell asleep at 7:30pm! I woke up at 9:30pm to the sound of fireworks, looked out my window and watched them for a couple minutes and knocked back out.
My body has definitely been needing rest, and I am doing my best to give myself that time. I went back to the chiro yesterday and am planning to go tomorrow as well, as I want to get back to 100%! I also am going to make sure I am getting in my walks and stretching at least, as I never want to be in the pain again.
I am happy to say that I had huge weight lifted off my shoulder when it comes to my work life. I had a coworker who was really adding stress to my days at work and it was an everyday struggle with trying to be nice and tolerable at work, but feeling inauthentic because I really wanted to tell them off. This created an internal battle, because I didn’t want to make everyone at work feel uncomfortable, but I was feeling uncomfortable every day.
This person would constantly talk about everyone in the office, never minding their own business. When they were called out for mistakes, they would point fingers and blame everyone else even though they were the one who made the error. Not only that, but even though I had said multiple times that this was work relationship, they were constantly trying to make me be friends with them and try to hang out outside of work. They never take accountability, they always play the victim, and overall this person was super manipulative— and luckily this is all over now!
Something that opened my eyes when I was dealing with all this was a video my friend sent me that said “sometimes the universe will bring people into your life to simply show you what it would be like if you didn’t heal.” I immediately thought of this person and how I could even see some of past me in them. Definitely not to this extreme, but the people-pleasing and trying to make everyone like me was something I used to struggle with. I didn’t go through lengths of pretending to listen to the same podcasts or have the same interests as people, nor did I try to buy anyone’s friendship with coffee and food, but I used to care a lot about what people thought of me.
I also never went through lengths of reading through someone’s personal email or recording someone’s voice when I’m not in the room, but maybe if I never went on this healing journey I could have become that kind of person (although I seriously doubt it because all of that is crazy as hell). This person also would overshare too much about their sexual life which was completely unwarranted and unwanted, and I probably should have reported it to the boss (considering there’s really no HR), and I never did. Either way, I am glad this is all over and I can finally stop dreading going to interact with this person.
I am so happy it is Friday and I have the ultimate self care day planned for after work, which I am looking forward to! I hope everyone has a great weekend, and that your crazy coworker that you can’t stand finally quits LOL!
From Dark to Light 