relationship

Sunday, November 9th – Money Triggers/Reflection

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Today I woke up to snow and honestly I am not happy about it. Luckily the roads are clean and it’s aesthetically pleasing, but it just reminds me of how much I hate driving in it when it’s bad. I always get so much anxiety around it, even though I’ve survived every year of winter thus far. I guess the odds are are in my favor so I will just try to keep that in mind this year. I likely need to get some new tires which is fine, but it is also slightly inconvenient timing. Someone recently hit my car door with their car door and didn’t leave a note, so I also have to file a claim with my insurance to get it repaired. It is a leased vehicle, and the estimate was just shy of $1,500.00 because of where they hit it and how the dent it (literally why tf is car shit always soooo expensive)! To be fair, I do plan to buy the car in May once the lease is up, I just don’t want the car to rust and have more damage since it went down to the metal.

Regardless, the stuff has to get fixed, and we just put winter tires on my husband’s car yesterday. I tend to get triggered around money. I had a lot of control issues around money as a child, as I looked as money as a means to freedom. I knew that the more money I had saved, the more likely I would be able to move out as soon as I turned 18 (turns out, life is expensive and I ended up moving out a couple months before my 20th birthday). Although my husband and I have always been able to figure things out, I still find myself having moments of lack mentality and just being worried about expenses. Once we sit down and go through the budget again, I usually feel better, but I want to get to a point where I don’t constantly need to look at the budget every time a life expense arises. I know that means building an emergency fund, which luckily we are almost at a place where we can start doing that.

I need to take time to recognize that we will always be able to figure things out though-we have been for 10 years! We are very blessed to have good credit, but we also worked hard for that and we make sure our bills are paid on time/in full. We have also goals and plans to get rid of as many monthly payments as possible, and ideally that means getting rid my car payment next. We do still enjoy life though, and that is where I end up feeling guilty when bigger expenses come up. I have to challenge this guilt though, because I am not doing anything against my morals or actually wrong when I am buying an iced coffee or going out to breakfast with my husband; it’s not like we’re out here spending thousands of dollars on vacations or fancy bags. When expenses come up, we limit our spending and cut things out so that we can prioritize the bills and avoid any interest or fees. We are responsible, we work hard, and we communicate well, so I can trust that we will make it through any obstacles together.

Life looks a lot different now than it did back when I was a teenager saving money without having any expenses. I think where I find myself still feeling shame is the fact that it feels like I had way more money saved up when I was a kid compared to what I have now. Again, I was a kid, so I had no monthly payments or expenses, and I was saving for my future. I used that money to pay for my Associate’s Degree, as well as help with the closing costs of our home, and just overall life expenses that came up with home-ownership and adulting. If you really think about it, that savings went exactly where it was supposed to, and the bills we pay are bills we want to pay, because we enjoy the amenities that come from those payments.

We enjoy having clean, warm water to shower in, as well as having electricity so we don’t have to do so in the dark. We are happy the garbage man takes our trash so we don’t have to go lug it around to some dump across town. We enjoy a warm, cozy home as the temperatures and snowflakes drop outside. We like having newer, reliable vehicles with good insurance coverage so that I only have to pay a deductible when someone decides to whack my car door. So maybe I don’t have the same amount of savings that I had before, but I also live the life that I want, with the person I love. I have a life partner who is on my team and together we make and meet our goals, no matter what obstacles show up along the way. It may not always look like how we wanted it to, but we always figure it out together. I feel very blessed and a lot more calm now about everything. Writing definitely helps to slow the racing thoughts, and I am grateful to have the time and space to share these thoughts.

Life Before the Internet (prompt)

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Do you remember life before the internet?

I don’t really remember life before the internet considering my parents got a computer when I was seven years old. Actually, I was apparently gifted this computer on my birthday by my dad’s cousin, but my dad lied and said it was for him and that he’d let me play games on it.

I did get to play games and use Word Paint LOL, but ultimately I don’t remember a lot of my childhood so I can’t say I remember life before the internet. I will say that I’m sure my dad was a lot more present as a parent without the computer, because a lot of my childhood that I do remember, he was sitting there in front of the computer screen.

It reminds me of how I use my phone now. I don’t have children currently, but I’ve always been mindful to the fact that when I have children, I don’t want them to feel like I’m always on my phone. I honestly think I’d just get off social media completely once I have a child, mainly because I also don’t want my future child(ren) on social media.

I am someone who uses the internet a lot. Most of us have to use it in some way for our jobs, we’re connected to it on our phones, we use it to order things of Amazon or groceries- it kind of seems like a basic necessity in our current society. However, I do feel that somehow the more “connected” we are online and/or to our devices, the less we are actually connecting with one another. We’re trading genuine conversations for likes and views from people on the internet.

Have you ever had an experience where you are out with family or friends and someone or some people start scrolling on their phones or start texting? Has that happened when you were directly talking with them? I understand we all have to be able to have our phones to check incase of emergencies, to be in contact with family/friends/babysitters etc- but to be interrupted from a genuine conversation for a random snapchat or an IG notification?

In that moment, in real life, that feels like a loss of connection. Another example that can feel like a disconnection: finding out important news about your close family and friends on social media, instead of from them directly. I value my friendships and I personally would rather talk to my friend in person and share a celebratory moment with them privately than to post to random strangers internet about something near and dear to my heart.

Maybe I’m old school, but I kind of feel like I would have enjoyed life before the internet. I’ll be 30 in July, so most of my life really did involve being on the internet. I feel like I’m definitely dependent on it now, but I also know that humans have lived without the internet for centuries, and they all survived. In fact, they probably thrived with less mental health issues and more genuine connections! LOL

May 2, 2025

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It’s actually wild to me that my husband and I have been married for seven months already- I feel like our wedding wasn’t that long ago! The years are always flying by, and I’m just so grateful to be able to wake up next to him every day. I also can’t believe that on our one year anniversary, we will really be celebrating 14 years together! I can’t wait for our 3rd/16th anniversary, because then we will have been with each other for half of our lives! I feel so blessed with the life we built, and I’m excited to see what our future holds.

my forever love

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for years we’ve heard the same questions over and over again: everyone was always wondering why we weren’t engaged or married after being together for so long. people will always have their views, and most of the time you’ll find that it often has to do with society. it’s funny how people complain about “society’s standards” and then simultaneously push them upon one another, when in reality, society isn’t even meant to be in your relationship- so why let it dictate your timeline?

as I’ve been healing and growing throughout my life, I’ve recognized the importance of blocking out noise. people will always have an opinion or something to say, but they are NOT in your partnership. I feel it is important to hear people out if those are people who truly love and support you, but when it comes down to it, your relationship is about you and your partner. it’s important to pay attention to who is giving you advice and who is projecting their own issues and opinions. you wouldn’t ask someone who is thrice divorced for marriage advice, just like you wouldn’t ask someone who has never purchased a home for homeowner advice- so why let that outside noise affect your relationship?

when Cameron and I started dating, we were 16 years old. we told each other we loved each other after eleven days of dating. he wrote me a letter after a couple months where he told me that he understood why people would meet and get married within six months. if we would have gotten married in a rush at that age, I can’t tell you where we would be, but I can tell you that society and others around us would have disapproved. when we were buying a home at age 21, we had people asking why were we rushing to do that, while simultaneously asking us when we would be getting married. to us, it never mattered what people told us.

we have always listened to what we wanted and needed, and I am so blessed that we have been able to grow along side each other for the past 13 years. marriage is a lifelong commitment, even though society may not see it that way any longer, but it is to us. I’m glad we spent time building our foundation and I am so excited to spend forever with my husband.

Monday Morning

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It was just 5:55 on the clock, which is the angel number for “change.” Well, in two short days I get to marry the love of my life! I’m so grateful that we may it to our destination safely, and I also already had some family arrive as well! The rest of our friends and family arrive tomorrow, and then Wednesday is the big day!

We get to spend the next few days in our lovely suite with the ocean view! Although we may already miss our cats, it will be nice to be away from work and chores for a little while and just be able to focus on each other and all the love that surrounds us. 🤍

New Moon in Taurus: A Love Letter To Myself.

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It’s been amazing to watch you grow into the woman you are today. A woman who is no longer afraid of her emotions. Once upon a time you wanted to completely rid herself of them, and with just a few months of Zoloft that goal was achieved. It didn’t take long for you to recognize how lost you were without them, without your powers.

The sensitivity you have to others and to the world around you is a gift when you learn how to use it, and it’s amazing to see you catching on. I see you allowing yourself to feel that childlike joy and also allowing yourself to feel the anger that you’ve been shoving away for too long. Far too long. See how the world has shifted now that you accept and embrace these feelings? No wonder you want to share this with the world.

You care so deeply for others, for humanity as a whole actually. You’ve seen and felt what pain and trauma does to one’s mental health and well being, which makes it easy to have empathy for those who are struggling. You know what it’s like to not be able to feel the true love and joys around you, and now that you can feel them, you want everyone else to be able to feel them too.

You used to let this empathy consume you; losing yourself in everyone else’s worries that they all endlessly dumped on you. You absorbed the anxieties they had and abandoned yourself for too long, completely losing track of what was yours and what wasn’t. You did all of this while trying to keep up a perfect appearance to literally everyone around you- never releasing your own problems or feelings, because they all had enough to worry about.

You always felt like a burden, which is why you made sure to always put everyone else’s happiness before your own. If other people were happy, then there was less likely to be any conflict, thus giving a feeling of safety. You were in survival mode for most of your childhood and early 20s, and I am proud of the transformation you have made through your healing journey.

You allow yourself to rest without shaming yourself about it; instead you now realize it is necessary to recharge your own battery. You are present in your life, making new memories and taking time to enjoy the time with loved ones. You no longer talk about yourself negatively, but instead with the same empathy and grace you’ve always given to others. You have recognized the importance of speaking up and being authentic, and you openly and kindly share your thoughts and opinions with those who you’re close to. You prioritize spending your time and energy with the right people, and you aren’t afraid to say “no.”

You have grown so much throughout the years, and I am so proud of who you are. You deserve peace and love, and you have it all around you and within you. You are a magical woman with a strong intuition, and you’re a magnet for miracles. I love you so much, and I’m so happy to finally be here with you in this beautiful and crazy world. I am here. I am home.

Falling in Love at 16

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Describe a risk you took that you do not regret.

I fell in love my junior year of high school, and I went full send. I completely opened my heart to him; I was honest about my insecurities and also expressed what I was not willing to put up with. I said “I love you too” after only 11 days of us being together, and to this day, we are still in love.

In October we will celebrate our 13th anniversary together, and on that same day we will be eloping! We moved out together at 19, bought our townhome at 21, and this year at age 29 we will finally be husband and wife.

It’s insane for me to think about how much we have gone through together, and how we literally have grown together for over a decade. Our communication skills have improved immensely over the years, which has a lot to do with my own personal work in therapy.

It’s been so fun to see how we have grown together, but also how we have grown individually. I used to be extremely codependent, which could have resulted in some horrific situations, but I was truly blessed to find such a respectful, supportive life partner.

Falling in love is a risk, and doing so at such a young age is also terrifying, especially because we barely even know ourselves as teenagers. I am so happy that I trusted my gut and allowed myself to fall so deeply in love. Together we put in work to keep our relationship thriving, and I am so blessed to have him in my life. 🫶🏼

I hated getting asked this:

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What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.

“When are you guys getting married?” “When is he gonna propose?” “What’s taking so long?”

In one way, I get it- we were together for 12 years before we got engaged, and in this society that is “not normal.” In another way, I am like fuck society and these fake timelines that we love to project onto everyone.

I personally am very happy with my fiancé and our relationship, and I was happy prior to having a ring. I also am a more private person and especially when it comes to things that I find to be very precious or intimate, so it can be easy to assume things when there aren’t a lot of details given. But we all know what happens when we make assumptions… lol.

I am happy with this timeline of my life, and I am excited to be able to tell our future children about our love story and show them how healthy, true love can look. I am happy to have this foundation built prior to jumping into marriage, as we are both so confident in our relationship and we know the best and worst parts of each other.

If we would have gotten married right at 18 or 19 before we moved out, we would have been judged for that. At the same time, we had judgment from family about us moving in together so young, and a couple years after that we even had judgment thrown at us when we decided to buy a house.

I have my own views, as does my fiancé, and considering we are the only people in our relationship, our opinions are the only relevant ones when it comes to us. In general, people are always going to have opinions, but what is important is that you stay true to your own beliefs and values, despite all of the outside noise.

Thoughts on Thots on Thoughts

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I am a big believer in karma: what you give is what you get. The energy you emit into the world is what will return back to you. What you present yourself as is what you will attract. Karma is real; it is not good or bad, it just is. It is important to be intentional with yourself and your actions.

I was called a slut-shamer in high school because of a facebook post. I can’t even remember what my post was about- likely something like “finding love isn’t easy, but being easy won’t find you love.” Looking at that now, I can see how that could offend people, however I do believe that how you present yourself will attract certain people. For be fair, growing up I was taught that boys just want to have sex with you and once they do they’ll either leave or just use you for that.

With that being said, I was never person who dressed in super revealing clothing, because I knew that would bring certain attention. No, I don’t think it’s right that girls are taught to cover up, while boys aren’t taught how to be respectful- but this is the society and reality we live in. I know 100% if I were to post pictures of myself in more revealing clothing that I’d get more likes. This is not to sound cocky, this is the reality for any woman, because sex sells and the are literal horn-dogs everywhere. However, I also know that me putting those images out there will attract the men / people who are looking for that- and that was never something I wanted.

I never wanted one-night stands or flings or to be known as the girl who was “easy,” so I didn’t present myself that way. I never wanted a man who just wanted me for my body or sex, I wanted something real. I knew I wanted a respectful man who wasn’t going to use me or my body; I wanted someone who loved me for me, because my my body will inevitably change over the years, and there will always be someone younger / hotter. I knew that if someone wanted me based on my body or based on just sex, there’s a higher chance they’d leave me for a body better than mine, or be entertaining another body.

I don’t have anything against woman / people who show off their bodies or do SW or anything like that, because that really doesn’t have any effect on my life. I will say I have seen videos of p-stars / S-workers crying online saying how it’s a lonely life, and that people only look at you as an object and not as a person- which is 100% wrong, but it’s also an unfortunate consequence when that is what is advertised. I can imagine it is hard for a man to be out with his woman and guys just keep coming up saying how they’ve seen your girl naked and watched her get her back blown out by someone else- I definitely would be uncomfortable if the roles were reversed.

In reality that is all it comes down to- what are you comfortable with? What are you looking for? Are you in alignment with the values you are seeking in a relationship? What do you consider to be faithful / loyal? Do you care about loyalty? I think the easiest question to use in any sort of relationship is: If your significant other did what you were doing, would you be comfortable with that? That will prevent many conflicts.

Now again this may be offensive and that’s not the intention, I just am an old soul and more conservative in that way than almost everyone I know and I felt the need to write through it. There definitely are people who are doing SW that have found love and have relationships, and they absolutely deserve healthy love! There are men and women who are completely okay with their significant others doing SW, and regardless, in any relationship, there just has to be open communication and understanding between each other in order to keep everyone safe, healthy and happy.

Overall, what other people do is none of your business, but what you do and how you present yourself attracts the life you’re seeking. Be intentional with the energy and frequency you emit into the world, as you get to make that choice. Live a life where you are aligned with your own values, goals and purpose.