Another year around the sun, my 30th one
This one feels different; mature. demure.
30 feels more settled and peaceful
30 feels like confidence; like I’m actually more than enough
30 feels how I want it to feel, because I no longer aim to please everyone around me; my only goal is to be authentically myself.
I was never meant to be everyone’s cup of tea
Nor do I actually want to be
In reality, I just want to be me
And so, this is 30
Goodbye to my 20s
I accomplished so much in this past decade
My husband & I bought our home together
We grew in our careers
We got married
I went through a whirlwind of a mental health journey, and I’m still forever learning and evolving (as we all are)
I feel like so much abundance is on the horizon
Like I’m shedding these layers of programming
My inner critic is shrinking
My inner child is happy and growing
My inner compass is aligned
My inner knowing is strong
I always had the strength – I survived through everything in the last 3 decades
I survived when I was too young to know how to- my brain / amygdala knew how to though
I lived a lot of my life in survival mode, and within the last couple years I have finally been able to feel present- I’ve cried tears of joy over just being.
Just being.
And it’s crazy to think that maybe that’s the them of 30s… just being.
No pressure.
No people pleasing.
No perfectionism.
Just authenticity and honesty.
Just being.
Today some are crying tears of joy
While others tears are ones of sorrow
Anger and hatred proudly shared
Is this the future we want for tomorrow?
When emotions are high
When we are in a triggered state
When we don’t feel at peace inside
We will struggle to have any rational debate
It makes it hard to see the other side
It makes it hard to lean into empathy
But this is why we need to take a step back
So we can focus on light, love and unity
We all will endure these next years together
All with different pasts and upbringings
When we recognize similarities in each other
We can truly discuss the important things
We can see how much we have in common
We can ask each other questions to understand
We can see where our fears and goals line up
And we can lend each other a hand
We can accomplish a lot more together
Than we can when we are divided
We the people have the freedom of speech
With strength in numbers we can stand united
We can stand for our rights and our freedoms
We can stand for access to great education
We can stand for a healthier future
We can stand for what we want in this nation
Together we can harness the power of unity
Together we can make sure the future is bright
Together we can lean into faith over fear
Together we can show the darkness our light
Do you ever look back at old poems you wrote?
Wondering if you really did that on your own?
Do you admire your work and embrace it with awe?
Do you scroll on past it like you do on your phone?
When you read words you wrote in your teenage years
Does it feel so distant and far away?
Does it feel like you could feel that pain again?
Could you step back in that headspace today?
If you could then would you?
Just to see how it would feel?
To be able to pull yourself out of it
Now that you’re grown and healed?
Would you rescue your inner child?
Tell her that she is safe in your arms?
Would you tell her of all the good things
While shielding her from the world’s harms?
Would you tell her to keep writing?
Would you encourage her to follow her dreams?
Would you give her unconditional love?
Protect and care for her by any means?
Would you give that love to her freely,
Without expecting anything in return?
Would you be happy as she grew older?
Would you inspire her to learn?
You’d give your full heart to her,
Without any question or doubt.
So as you sit here as the grown inner child,
Thinking of something to write about,
You were able to answer your question.
Did you deserve the bad things that happened to you?
Are you responsible for unhealed people’s actions?
Are all of the things your parents said true?
No, no and no.
Your life may have been unfair,
But your life is now yours to live,
So please do so with care.
Please give yourself that same love and grace
That you’d give to your younger self.
Please allow yourself to accept love from others
While also focusing on your mental health.
Focus on the peace and blessings
Feel deeply into the joy and warmth life brings
As life is known to have challenges
But you’ll be able to handle these things
You have your intuition to guide you
As well as your angels and the divine;
You know deep down that no matter what,
Everything will be just fine.
Let go of that control,
Breathe into that inner peace;
Hand over your worries
So all tension can be released.
Lean into faith and self trust,
Relax your shoulders and jaw.
Allow yourself to embrace life;
Just sit back and admire in awe.
You didn’t come this far just to come this far,
Where you are in life is only beginning.
It will get better than you can even imagine,
Just lean into faith and stop over-thinking.
Hey little girl,
How are you doing today?
Did you have a good day at school?
Did you go outside and play?
I hope you had your time to escape
From the anger and chaos within the walls
Of the apartment on that second floor
Where dingy carpet lines the eerily long halls
You often weren’t aware of how bad it was
Not in the younger years that is
Because you watched all your friends in their own struggles
You were more worried about her pain and his
You were good at removing yourself from the suffering
You were always able to see the good and humor in things
Sometimes that humor could be looked at as dark
But it helped get through the bitter words and stings
You were so observant and smart
Too grown up for your young age
You could sense when things were off
Even when they tried to keep you in your cage
You knew that life wasn’t normal
Even if it seemed better than others you saw
You started your plans on how you would free yourself
And looking back at your diligence, I admire in awe
You got to work as soon as you could
Working multiple jobs and saving away
You knew the environment you grew up in
Was not where you were destined to stay
You planned and you prayed
Staying both focused and hopeful
You trusted your gut when others had doubt
And along the way, you found someone very special
A partner, a lover; someone who loved you for you
You both fell so hard and so fast
You knew deep in your heart, that he was the one
And even at such a young age, you knew it would last
You have always followed your intuition
You listened to the knowing within your soul
I am so proud and happy for you, sweet child
For you both took on and released control
You knew what was within your power
You are the reason I am here today, happy and healing
You did everything you could to build your ideal life
One full of peaceful, lovely feelings
You are so strong and resilient
Even today, you reside within my heart and bones
Together, we get to live our favorite lives
And we get to create a happy, healthy home
Thank you for your empathetic nature
Thank you for your strength and determination
Thank you for your playfulness and sensitivities
Thank you for your love and admiration
Thank you for your open mind
Thank you for your appreciation of the little things
Thank you for showing me the beautiful parts of life
Thank you for showing me what trusting myself brings
Who am I? A mere mortal; a body of flesh and bones that moves amongst earth until it’s buried beneath it? Am I more than the blood in my veins or the organs within my vessel?
Who am I? A glistening sphere of light; a soul that brings joy and peace to others lives? Am I more than my empathy or the love within my heart?
Who am I? A deck of cards; the many faces that bring luck and abundance to some, but fateful defeat to others? Am I more than the value that others put on me?
Who am I? The Earth’s moon; the phases of darkness and illumination that pierce the cracks of my shadow? Am I more than the waves and chaos that I create?
Who am I? What is my purpose? To accept the fact that everything is temporary and attachments are unnecessary? To bring a sense of comfort and calmness to my inner and outer world? To show others that they all have a bright light within them, even if it may have been dimmed or distorted along the journey?
Who am I to judge anyone, including myself, when I am just a human being like you? Who am I to shame anyone, including myself, when we’re all guessing and learning along the way? Who am I to know what’s best for anyone, when the only shoes I’ve walked in are my own?
Who am I?
I am me. I am a person full of anger and sadness that weighs heavy on my body. I am a human full of flaws and imperfections that make me unique. I am a woman full of strength and kindness that pours from within. I am a soul full of empathy and compassion that overflows from the depths of my heart.
I am light, even with the shadow.
I am love, even with the heaviness.
I am peace, even with the chaos.
I love slowly waking up on Sunday mornings with you; taking what feels like hours to get out of bed and start the day. Feeling your warm hands reach out for me, then giving in to your warm embrace. That feeling of complete calmness overwhelming my body, giving me a sense of peace.
You make it so easy to be in love, and you make it seem so easy to love me. You see the beauty underneath the roughness, and you admire every part of me. It doesn’t matter the day or time, you always make sure I am aware of your love for me. I often sit and wonder how I got so fortunate to be loved by such an incredible man.
We’ve grown together over the years, making our connection stronger and stronger. Every day we laugh together, making each day more enjoyable. You kiss my cheek every night when you come to bed, and I kiss yours every morning when I leave for work. Our love is my favorite, and I am so blessed to have your love forever.
I’m thinking about writing more in my blog. I don’t want to jump into daily writing right away, but even though overall I’m more busy with my job and life right now, I feel like writing daily could actually help me- reflecting on the day and focusing on positivity can really only benefit you, right?
I haven’t been writing any poetry, and when I say that I get upset with myself as that’s something I used to do often, and I was also proud of my work. Maybe I have a fear that I’ve lost my “touch” when it comes to poetry, or maybe even my emotions in a way. Writing poetry helped me a lot when I was younger and dealing with my childhood trauma, and once I finally was able to escape I feel like I just stopped writing.
I feel like my poetry used to be more “dark,” and I loved it that way, I just feel like I’ve been in such a better place now that I don’t want to go back and try to feel those emotions, just in order to write. I guess I should just start dabbling in some positive/inspirational poetry since that’s what people really need right now anyways!
If anyone reading this has any suggestions as to writing more in blogs, writing poetry, or just wants to share your thoughts, I am open to any and all suggestions! I hope you all enjoy your upcoming week.
From Dark to Light 